PineappleGirl

New world without mom

3 posts in this topic

My mother died 4 weeks ago today.  My mother died.  How is that a thing that actually happened?

She was fine.  And then she wasn't feeling that great, and we thought it was just bad allergies and maybe the flu.  And then she being taken to the hospital in an ambulance.  And then she was sedated and on a ventilator.  And they were saying things like double pneumonia and COPD and stage 3 septic shock and organ failure and stroke and unresponsive. And then me, my brother and my father were having to make the decision to take her off of life support because she NEVER wanted to live like that.  And then the kindest nurse was grabbing my hand and looking me in the eye and telling me she was gone.  

I'm not sure how to live in this new world where my mom, my best friend and rock, isn't here any more.  I think I may still be in shock?  And I just can't stop thinking about those 2 and a half weeks when she first let on that she wasn't feeling well and the 10 days she was in the hospital.  It feels like every awful second of it, every moment of guilt and regret and horror are stuck on repeat in my head.  I'm trying so hard to think of good things, but I just can't. All those memories are out of reach right now.  Beaten back by the ugly ones.  I fear not being able to remember anything else...

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I'm sorry for your loss. Like you, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that my mom is gone. It pains me just to write that sentence. I can't offer much that will lessen your grief other than you're not alone. I've read most of the posts here and it does give me a sense of community. Knowing that what I'm going through is normal. Night time is hardest for me, when I'm alone with my thoughts. Do take care of yourself.

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Dear PineappleGirl,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the loss of your beloved mother. I'm very sorry for your loss. It is a terrible shock. Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal and natural part of grief. Please know you are not alone.  Our minds cannot help but replay every moment. We are not prepared for what happened. Why? I couldn't stop myself from thinking like this and its been 9 months. I still want to know why can't my dad be alive?

It is very hard. I have tried counselling, grief support group, reading different websites and leaning on friends. So many people have told me to give myself more time. Right now, just take it moment by moment.  Be kind to yourself. And please know we are all here to listen and support you.

Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

 

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