PineappleGirl

New world without mom

6 posts in this topic

My mother died 4 weeks ago today.  My mother died.  How is that a thing that actually happened?

She was fine.  And then she wasn't feeling that great, and we thought it was just bad allergies and maybe the flu.  And then she being taken to the hospital in an ambulance.  And then she was sedated and on a ventilator.  And they were saying things like double pneumonia and COPD and stage 3 septic shock and organ failure and stroke and unresponsive. And then me, my brother and my father were having to make the decision to take her off of life support because she NEVER wanted to live like that.  And then the kindest nurse was grabbing my hand and looking me in the eye and telling me she was gone.  

I'm not sure how to live in this new world where my mom, my best friend and rock, isn't here any more.  I think I may still be in shock?  And I just can't stop thinking about those 2 and a half weeks when she first let on that she wasn't feeling well and the 10 days she was in the hospital.  It feels like every awful second of it, every moment of guilt and regret and horror are stuck on repeat in my head.  I'm trying so hard to think of good things, but I just can't. All those memories are out of reach right now.  Beaten back by the ugly ones.  I fear not being able to remember anything else...

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I'm sorry for your loss. Like you, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that my mom is gone. It pains me just to write that sentence. I can't offer much that will lessen your grief other than you're not alone. I've read most of the posts here and it does give me a sense of community. Knowing that what I'm going through is normal. Night time is hardest for me, when I'm alone with my thoughts. Do take care of yourself.

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Dear PineappleGirl,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the loss of your beloved mother. I'm very sorry for your loss. It is a terrible shock. Everything you are thinking and feeling is normal and natural part of grief. Please know you are not alone.  Our minds cannot help but replay every moment. We are not prepared for what happened. Why? I couldn't stop myself from thinking like this and its been 9 months. I still want to know why can't my dad be alive?

It is very hard. I have tried counselling, grief support group, reading different websites and leaning on friends. So many people have told me to give myself more time. Right now, just take it moment by moment.  Be kind to yourself. And please know we are all here to listen and support you.

Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

 

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Dear PineappleGirl,

i too know your pain...I lost my mom on June 29th... it was the hardest thing I have ever been through.. it kind of happened the same way.. my mom had copd and kept having falls for about two weeks, I took her to the hospital and they said she was just becoming "hypoxic" and that she would be fine.. then one day I woke up and she was having severe complications trying to breathe, I called the ambulance and a few hours later I had to put her on a ventilator, on the way to icu her heart stopped beating.. an hour later she was brain dead and in a coma and I had to make the decision to take her off of life support.. I'm trying so hard to get through this but it is without a doubt a heartbreaking process.. I talk out loud to her and sometimes it puts me at peace, I've always written a letter to her about how I felt when it was happening, how I felt after, and how I feel now... I then turned the page and wrote down questions I had "did I do the right thing" etc.. and then I thought about what her answer would have been.. you should try that

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Dear Pineapple girl,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Such a painful and devastating loss and having to make that decision.  What else could you have done?  Nothing.  I know you keep going over it in your mind, all the details.  I do too with my mother.  The hospital.  The several weeks in the hospital, the complications, the improvements, then the plans of her coming home and then she died.  Nothing prepares you.  Nothing prepares you for life after.  I am not young.  I had my mother for 50 yrs and yet I feel like a child again, lost and alone in the world.  So I know your pain.  You are still in shock.  Shock lasts a while.  My shock has worn off after 6 months but pain and grief seems worse.  I don't know why?  If it has just manifested into a deep depression now.  I wish I knew when it would get better?  I don't.  Maybe in time we all just learn to live with our loss?  Grief stays but we get used to the grief?  

 

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Hi Pineapple Girl, 

I am sorry sorry for your loss. I know it is hard to think clearly and remember the beautiful times, but you will. I would invite you to start mediating for a few minutes a day. Get to a quiet place where you can just breath and watch your breath. Start to let go of the past with your breath. Allow yourself to feel the presence of this moment. Right now you are being haunted by the past, but the past is only in your mind. Your mother is in spirit form now, which means you can contact her and feel her essence. This can only be done if you are in the present moment though. I know it feels so hard right now but your mother wants you to know that she is more than okay, she is in heaven :) One day you will be reunited again and she wants nothing more than for you to enjoy Earth till that day comes. You are stronger than you know. You will feel lightness again and your heart will feel peace. 

Blessings, 

Julie

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