12hannah12

Dad died yesterday. Struggling

11 posts in this topic

Hello

I came across this site when my dad passed away yesterday and I just need some support. Reading that people are going through the same thing helps enormously. 

I just can't get my head around it. I'm 25 and my dad was only 59. It just doesn't seem fair. The thing I am finding so hard right now is how sad I feel for my dad, like how he will never get to do or see any of the things he loved any more. He was a poet and a massive book lover, and yet he'll never get to write a poem again, read a book, browse a book shop, eat his favorite food, cuddle our dog, listen to his radio... I just feel so sad for him. I've always had a fear of death and watching my dad die has heightened it massively. 

I know every one says this but he really was the best man I knew, he was so kind and caring and selfless, always wanting to do whatever was best for my mum and I and putting us first. I just don't understand how this can happen to someone like him at so young an age when he still had so many things left to do. 

I'm heartbroken for my mum. They had the perfect marriage, never argued, they just understood each other and were kindred spirits. And now she has to face the rest of her live without him. I'm meant to be moving away in September to start a teacher training course but there's just no way I can leave my mum now on her own with me living four hours away. 

I just wish that I knew where he was right now, I'm not very religious, but I like to think that he's still around and can somehow hear me when I talk to him. I feel so guilty that I didn't tell him that I loved him enough. He was so good to me and sometimes I think I wasn't as good in return. 

Thank you for reading, any replies would be very appreciated. 

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I am so very sorry about the loss of your father. He sounds like a wonderful man and father. It will be very tough for your mom, but she has a wonderful support in you. 

Right now, just mourn and grieve. Cry all you want. Try to just get through a little at a time; don't look too far ahead. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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Dear Hannah,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your cherished dad. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is deep. I think losing a parent is one of the hardest moments in life to cope with. Everything you are feeling and thinking is natural and normal.

Its been 9 months since my dad passed and I still struggle with the same thoughts and feelings. I, too, wish he could still be here to enjoy life. Enjoy his smokes and whiskey and coffee with friends. My greatest wish for my dad was to see his granddaughter grow up a bit. Another regret of mine is also not telling him how much he meant to me as a dad. People said he probably knew, but I don't know.

I have tried almost everything and anything to try and cope with this loss. Grief counselling, grief support groups, reading different websites and books. I can't seem to wrap my brain around this part of life.

Good of you to support your mum during this very difficult time. I hope you can lean on each other and close friends and family. Moment by moment for now. Please know we are all here for you.

Thinking of you and your mum. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Thank you both for your very kind words. I'm finding it hard to get anything out at the moment,  even typing a reply is hard. But reading your words gives me comfort as does reading other posts on here. At the moment, having the belief that my dad is somehow still around and being able to feel or hear us is giving me comfort. I just cannot comprehend that he has completely dissappeared, he has to still be around in some form. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. 

Thank you again xx 

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Hello Hannah,

I just stumbled across this website whilst looking for a bit of support myself, and your message has really struck a chord with me. I'm 24 and my dad was 56 - he passed away 2 weeks ago now after a 2 week battle on life support following a sudden cycling accident. I feel thankful that I got to hold his hand when life support was switched off, but I think I'm still in utter shock that this has even happened to such an incredible person.

Like you, I feel unbelievably sad FOR my dad, and I was struggling to explain that feeling to my friend the other day. Like you said about the things your dad loved doing that he can no longer do, I can't stop thinking about what a zest for life and the outdoors my dad had. He couldn't wait to retire and spend his days traveling, camping and cycling and it feels so unbelievably unfair that he's been robbed of that.

Like yourself and your dad, I had an exceptional relationship with him. He was quite frankly my best friend, so it feels like a loss on 2 levels. It's always the best people that go young by the sounds of it.

The only thing 2 weeks on that is making me feel a little bit better and giving me some comfort is that he really did live life to the absolute maximum and indulged in the things he loved and surrounded himself with amazing people - it sounds as if your dad did exactly that too. My dad had cancer a few years back and survived to live another 8 years before this accident and I remember asking him if he was scared of dying back then and he said "I'm not scared of dying at all, I'm scared of leaving all of you behind". Your dad would be incredibly proud of you for the way you're handling this, I have no doubt. If he's as similar to my dad as he sounds, he'd want you to keep thinking of all the awesome memories you had together and reflect on all the things he DID do, not the things he won't get to.

A lot of people have been telling me that it won't get any easier for a while, you just learn to live with it. Surround yourself with people that truly care and make sure you and your mum get some time outdoors over summer - go for a walk and laugh and cry together. There is is no shame at all in going with the flow depending on how you are feeling. Don't feel guilty for laughing and having good days, and equally don't feel guilty for not wanting to get out of bed on other days.

Big, big hug - this f**king sucks, but I think our dads would want us to become stronger people as a result. If I end up half the person my dad was when I'm his age, i'll be bloody proud - you should aspire to the same :)

xx Lindsay

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Dear Lindsay 

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry about your dad. It does give me comfort to know that I'm not the only one going through this, but at the same time I wouldn't wish this on anybody. I can't imagine how it must have felt to have your dad fit and well one minute and then on life support the next. It is still a huge shock that my dad has gone from us, but he has been ill the past two years so in a way we were prepared (if that's even possible), although we never spoke about it because I think we were all just hoping that it wouldn't happen. I certainly never thought that it would happen so soon, I thought that we would have a few more years together. 

I'm glad I'm not the only one with these strange feelings. My thoughts are almost constantly on how sad I feel for my dad, even when I just do something tiny like have something nice to eat or look up at the sky I feel so sad that my dad will never get to do that again. It just doesn't seem fair and I can't get past that. Before my dad was ill and even during he really loved life and had so many passions, just like your dad, and you're right it does bring comfort to think that. 

The last few days I feel like my brain is blocking me from thinking and feeling too much, some of the time I feel numb and almost dead inside, and then occasionally it slips up and I get upset and let it all out. Then I go back to feeling numb. It's the strangest feeling. 

I feel unbelievably sad for my mum. I don't even know how she is managing to get out of bed. I think we are trying to be strong for eachother and I feel so thankful that I have such a close relationship with her. I hope that you too have people to lean on and be supported by. Just reading your reply has helped so thank you.  

Hannah xx

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Hi Hannah, 

Im so sorry for your loss :(

Im 25 & lost my dad almost 5 months ago, he was 54.

I wont sit here preaching that it will hurt any less, but I will tell you that each day that passes, you will learn how to live with it a little better. You will find the ways that help you to cope & deal with this huge change in your life. Maybe purchasing a diary would be a good idea, I've found it helps when things get too much, just to have somewhere to project my thoughts, kind of a release? 

It is completely 100% ok to cry, break down & be absolutely hysterical if thats what makes you feel better! But also dont feel guilty for blocking it out other times. (this is something I currently struggle with - but need to keep reminding myself that both of these things are absolutely ok!) Everyone deals with grief differently, so just do whatever you need to do!

Sorry for the essay, but I just want to tell you that it will be ok. Live your life to the full & do anything and everything that makes you happy. 

M x

 

 

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Hi Hannah, 

I'm sorry that you lost your dad. I'm 24 and I lost my dad last year at age 53, coming up on the one year anniversary this month. I wish I could tell you it gets easier to live without them, but it really doesn't. You just learn to live with the circumstances. I still listen to old voicemails from my dad just so I can hear his voice. 

As for as being sad for him, don't be. From what you said it sounds like he led an amazing life. All any of us can hope for is to live a happy life before we die, even though it's unfair that some lives get cut short, you have to be happy about all of the moments you spent with them. I can't help but feel cheated that my dad won't get to walk me down the aisle or see me have kids and that's a normal feeling for a lot of us who lose a parent younger than we expected. That's why it's nice to have people to talk to who can somewhat relate to what you're going through. 

The best thing I can tell you right now is that it's okay to cry. It's never easy to lose someone especially a parent at a young age and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Live your life in a manner that would make him proud, that's the best I can do for my dad.

-K

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I too have just recently lost my dad my dad passed away two months ago it is one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through it doesn't get easier over time everyone tells me that over and over again it gets easier over time it doesn't just being honest you find your own ways to cope with it take your memories that you have of him in your head and write it down write a story put it on paper that everybody else here all your memories that are so special to you it helps me a lot and I cry I laugh as I write them and I'm going to attach a poem to the bottom of this and I want you to read it and then let your mom read it it helps me everyday I wish you the best of luck

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Thank you all so much. I really appreciate your replies. Is it possible to feel worse now than I did when it first happened (about a week and a half ago)? And I feel like I'm getting more and more tired even though I'm getting enough sleep. The tiredness is making it really hard to cope. I have severe anxiety and have had it all my life and now my little worries that I had before all this happened just seem 10 times worse. That and the tiredness and the never ending sadness is just unbearable and I feel like I'll never be happy or enjoy life again. Just so grateful I have my mum, she is such a comfort. 

Thank you for listening xx 

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On ‎7‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 1:56 AM, 12hannah12 said:

I just wish that I knew where he was right now, I'm not very religious, but I like to think that he's still around and can somehow hear me when I talk to him. I feel so guilty that I didn't tell him that I loved him enough. He was so good to me and sometimes I think I wasn't as good in return. 

Hello 12hannah12,

I am sorry for your loss.

I have experienced the loss of my boyfriend Alfred, who died this week, but saw that you posted about the loss of a parent. I felt the need to let you know my experience to maybe help you with your pain. I lost both parents by the age of 27 and can imagine the pain you're going through today. I too wondered where my parents went when they died. I found some relief at milestones in my life that let me know they were by my side. I gave birth to a beautiful daughter, and graduated college, and have lost a beautiful child to death. And through the good and bad times, I felt my parents' kind words in my head, like they offered when I was younger. I felt a hand on my shoulder to comfort me at my lowest point in my life. I've felt a hug in my sleep to soothe my heart break. I've felt a pat on my shoulders when I got my diploma. Both of my parents died twenty years ago, but they are beside me every day. I wanted you to know your father is with you wherever you go in life. It seems we never get to tell the people we, love that we love them enough. Remember the good times you had with him, and his smile. Those are the moments you can see for yourself that he knew that you loved him. 

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