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Hi .. hope we all are well , I just found this one Google and I'm glad because I feel like I'm going out my mind :( this is so long and might not make sense but hopefully it will .. so I was bought up in the care system all my life .. I met my mom once when I was 16 .. my relationship with her and her side of the family and my dad all went out of the window when I told them I was gay they all froze me out and never spoke to me again 

On the 5th July 2017 my mother passed away , I was told this by a Facebook status and only found out because my mind friend had messaged me and told me . All these feelings started to overwhelm me .. so anyway I sat there thinking what can I do as all my family literally blocked me on Facebook..  so I called the hospital late that night just wanting to know if they still had her body there which they did .. so basically the next day I drove 4 hrs to go to the hospital to the mourge to see my mom .. I got there and spoke to her nurse who told me she had been in there for a couple of months not all bad days .. just the day she died she went down hill rapidly .. the nurse even told me that she asked my mom's sister to tell me to come down to say my goodbye but clearly she didn't..i was told months ago about her being I'll by the same friend but she was at home as I was aware otherwise I would have gone ..so I went to see her .. she looked so peaceful all I could do is rub her head and tell her how much I love her and kissed her head a few times .. if I'm honest I just wanted to lay down next to her and cuddle her..i didn't want her to be alone in there .. I literally saw her about 17 hrs after she died so it was pretty soon after .. I'm devastated and heartbroken ..i miss her .. I wanna be able to tell her I love her and see her smile .. the reason I had to go because I knew once she left the hospital her sister wouldn't tell me anything about what funeral home she was at .. the nurse already told me she isn't inviting me to the funeral.. so that's why I went .. I really can't get out my head what I saw .. I miss her and can't sleep .. I don't care that she hated me forme being gay .. but I just want to hold her ..  sorry if I've repeated bits or it makes little sense I'm heartbroken and deverstatex feel sad and lost :( also my this is personal but my brother was with her and he's been in prison since the age of 13 till 35 and he was there with her when she died .. I feel he didn't deserve to be I did ..and then yesterday he posted a picture of him leaning over her kissing her on her head minutes after she died to he's snap chat .. told by the same friend and sent the picture.. I hate him even more then I did because he got the chance that he didn't deserve and all I did was come out as gay 


I'm sorry there personal bits in there but I'm so angry and overridden with grief and sadness and angry 

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@Deanatron. My condolences for your loss of your mother.   All your feelings are very natural. I'm sorry your family is not accepting of your orientation, but that doesn't mean your feelings of love for them stops.  Although your feelings are very natural and understandable, try not to be too angry with your brother. Be thankful that your mother had someone with her, even though you wish it could have been you.  I wish I had adequate words to help you in your grief.  It will take time to work through all the emotions grief brings to us, but just know everything you are feeling is normal.

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