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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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Eagle-96   
9 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I feel so sorry for you, I also have 3 small videos of my husband and I try to avoid them but still sometime I watch them knowing it will hurt me but its our heart who doesn't listen to our mind.

You are right, this is not what we called life, it is prison and we have to finish our punishment here, I am taking life like this now. I think I have done something really bad in past life and that is why I am getting this punishment and I have to finish my punishment in this life. if we finish our life then this punishment will not over and will follow us in next life and  again we have to suffer from same pain, so its better to complete punishment in this life.

You, me, nobody here did anything wrong. We did nothing to deserve this. We don't have a character flaw or a physical shortcoming that caused any of this. Death just happens as plain and simplistic as that sounds. It's not our fault. It's not our doing. Are we serving a life sentence for a crime we didn't commit? Yes we are. Is this sentence hard labor? Yes it is. There is no parole. No hope of getting out on good behavior. No visits from the one person we want to see. BUT. It's not our fault.

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KayC   

Djh,

I am so sorry.  He just doesn't get it, does he.  It's like they fail to put themselves in your shoes and see from your perspective.

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KayC   

Azipod,

I haven't had videos to view of my husband so I don't know what that's like, but I wish I had one, just to see him in action, to realize he really was here, we really were a family, he really existed.  It's been so long you question your sanity.  :(

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Azipod   
14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

You are right, this is not what we called life, it is prison and we have to finish our punishment here, I am taking life like this now. I think I have done something really bad in past life and that is why I am getting this punishment and I have to finish my punishment in this life. if we finish our life then this punishment will not over and will follow us in next life and  again we have to suffer from same pain, so its better to complete punishment in this life.

If you believe in the afterlife, they say that we are spirits occupying a physical body on earth for lessons.  What we are put through to endure here is suppose to make us stronger when we return home to the spirit world.  There, we can use our lessons learned to help others.     Its a good thought.    But it is very painful.

These last few days have been terribly difficult.   I miss my wife like crazy.   I know it's normal to miss a loved one.  But the pain is unbearable.   I can't deal with the thought of never ever being able to see and be with them physically ever again.

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Azipod   
5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

You, me, nobody here did anything wrong. We did nothing to deserve this. We don't have a character flaw or a physical shortcoming that caused any of this. Death just happens as plain and simplistic as that sounds. It's not our fault. It's not our doing. Are we serving a life sentence for a crime we didn't commit? Yes we are. Is this sentence hard labor? Yes it is. There is no parole. No hope of getting out on good behavior. No visits from the one person we want to see. BUT. It's not our fault.

It hurts me so much to know that I will never ever be able to be with my wife again.  That is my current problem.

 

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Azipod   
4 hours ago, KayC said:

Azipod,

I haven't had videos to view of my husband so I don't know what that's like, but I wish I had one, just to see him in action, to realize he really was here, we really were a family, he really existed.  It's been so long you question your sanity.  :(

Kay,

I don't know how you do it.  I feel bad that you've endured this for 12-years.  But I also know that all of us who had recent losses will have to endure this for 12-years as well.  Then another 12 and another 12 again until we go.     It's really nothing to look forward to.    I'm so scared.

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New here and sorry to join... I found you all in a google search of some of my feelings. This thread is echoing a lot of my thoughts. :( I lost my husband three weeks ago today and I feel no desire to live another day without him. It was just one month after his 31st birthday.  We had been together 7.5 years. Married for 5 on the 22nd of this month. He had been ill, but I never thought that this would be us. Everyone else seems to be returning to their full lives, but he was my life.  We never got the chance to have the family we wanted, or the ever after together. If it weren't for my two dogs, I'm not sure what I would do. Every morning I wake up and hope that he's there next to me and that it was all a dream. 

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Azipod   
14 minutes ago, waitingtowakeup said:

New here and sorry to join... I found you all in a google search of some of my feelings. This thread is echoing a lot of my thoughts. :( I lost my husband three weeks ago today and I feel no desire to live another day without him. It was just one month after his 31st birthday.  We had been together 7.5 years. Married for 5 on the 22nd of this month. He had been ill, but I never thought that this would be us. Everyone else seems to be returning to their full lives, but he was my life.  We never got the chance to have the family we wanted, or the ever after together. If it weren't for my two dogs, I'm not sure what I would do. Every morning I wake up and hope that he's there next to me and that it was all a dream. 

Waitingtowakeup,

It hurts me so much to see another new member joining this club.   Three weeks is very soon.  I remember vividly how it felt for me at that time.   Now, going into the 10th week, it is not necessarily better, it's just different.  

The length of your relationship and marriage is very similiar to mine, although you're husband is about 8 years younger than my wife and I.   You may already know, but having a partner loss at our age group creates a very unique challenge.  I've met a lot of widow/widowers ... but most of them are older.   I have yet to meet one in-person in their 30s.

Do you have a support system?   Things will get rough.  People will move on.   You will at times, feel like you're in this alone.    Please come back here and post as often as you like.  When you hit your rough days, know that we're all here and we will be there to grieve with you.

Btw, nice username.    Indeed we all, in some ways, are waiting to wake up.

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1 minute ago, Azipod said:

Waitingtowakeup,

It hurts me so much to see another new member joining this club.   Three weeks is very soon.  I remember vividly how it felt for me at that time.   Now, going into the 10th week, it is not necessarily better, it's just different.  

The length of your relationship and marriage is very similiar to mine, although you're husband is about 8 years younger than my wife and I.   You may already know, but having a partner loss at our age group creates a very unique challenge.  I've met a lot of widow/widowers ... but most of them are older.   I have yet to meet one in-person in their 30s.

Do you have a support system?   Things will get rough.  People will move on.   You will at times, feel like you're in this alone.    Please come back here and post as often as you like.  When you hit your rough days, know that we're all here and we will be there to grieve with you.

I think the hard part is that any "support" system I have can't possible understand. And many of our friends have young families/busy lives. I've had people say the oddest things to me. :(

- "You should feel relieved, he's not suffering."

- "It'll take a little while to get over this."

- "So-and-so went through something similar, but it was harder for her because they were married 40 years."

- "You'll meet someone again."

My marriage didn't end. I'll never take off my rings. I just get more and more sad thinking how long life is going to feel without him. I'm so sorry you are going through this too.

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Eagle-96   
15 minutes ago, waitingtowakeup said:

New here and sorry to join... I found you all in a google search of some of my feelings. This thread is echoing a lot of my thoughts. :( I lost my husband three weeks ago today and I feel no desire to live another day without him. It was just one month after his 31st birthday.  We had been together 7.5 years. Married for 5 on the 22nd of this month. He had been ill, but I never thought that this would be us. Everyone else seems to be returning to their full lives, but he was my life.  We never got the chance to have the family we wanted, or the ever after together. If it weren't for my two dogs, I'm not sure what I would do. Every morning I wake up and hope that he's there next to me and that it was all a dream. 

I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish you had no reason to join this forum but I am glad you found us as we will listen with no pre-conceived notions and no judgement. You have probably already experienced the range of emotions from sadness, anger, despair, regret, 2nd guessing, fear. These are all normal and to be expected and they can come singularly or several at once. I try to not avoid the emotions when they come because they tend to find me anyway. I try to just endure the wave as best I can until it subsides. You may also still be experiencing the fog and numbness that can accompany the early days and weeks. If you have close friends and family, try to lean on them for help and assistance as even the most mundane everyday tasks can seem daunting right now. I had to be reminded to pay bills, eat, do the laundry, etc.... Even simple tasks can be hard right now. It's ok to ask for help when you need it. 

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21 minutes ago, waitingtowakeup said:

I think the hard part is that any "support" system I have can't possible understand. And many of our friends have young families/busy lives. I've had people say the oddest things to me. :(

- "You should feel relieved, he's not suffering."

- "It'll take a little while to get over this."

- "So-and-so went through something similar, but it was harder for her because they were married 40 years."

- "You'll meet someone again."

My marriage didn't end. I'll never take off my rings. I just get more and more sad thinking how long life is going to feel without him. I'm so sorry you are going through this too.

Nope. They wont have a clue about how youre feeling. Its been two months for me. And honestly, I think I was feeling better at 3 weeks. The more the shock wear off, the more it hurts. The realisation that they are completely gone from our lives, that the things we wanted to say to them will remain unsaid, the plans and dreams we had are all gone with them.. That slaps you in the face. 

I hope you have friends and family that are nice and understanding. It's hard to tolarate people's ignorance about our situation with this pain. Consider starting therapy and joining in a grief support group. Hugs X

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Azipod   
58 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

 I had to be reminded to pay bills, eat, do the laundry, etc.... Even simple tasks can be hard right now. It's ok to ask for help when you need it. 

This is really good advice.

You will quickly see that a lot of people will avoid you, or avoid bringing up the issue during conversations because they don't know what to say.  Sometimes, they think they will revive bad memories by bringing it up (trust me, you'll carry this with you and you will NEVER forget).   

My point is that if you need help, you will need to ask for it.  Even though people will always say "Let me know if you need help," they will not follow-up and come knocking on your door.   So if you really do need help, just reach out to someone you can trust and someone you will feel safe with and ask.

 

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Azipod   
1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

 And honestly, I think I was feeling better at 3 weeks. The more the shock wear off, the more it hurts.

The demanding grief attacks us in all different angles, directions, and levels.

I've had my ups and downs.  I can't really say any of my weeks were better or worst than others.  They are all very diffrent.

During the earlier period, I was in a completely fog, scared, and had trouble adjusting to the new days without my wife.  It was very scary, and shocking at the same time.   It was really difficult.

Now, things still remain difficult.  But like how you said, as the shock wears off, you get hit in the face with a different type of fear..... the fear relating that you will never see them again and adjusting to the new life without them.

I presume over a long period of time, it does get better.  Better in the sense that you have a better grip in coping with the new life.  But it's not better because you will never have your love one with you again.   It will always be painful, tearful, and we will always feel empty  It can never be better, only worst.

 

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Azipod   
1 hour ago, waitingtowakeup said:

 

- "You should feel relieved, he's not suffering."

- "It'll take a little while to get over this."

- "So-and-so went through something similar, but it was harder for her because they were married 40 years."

- "You'll meet someone again."

 

It looks like you've seen a lot of the typical B.S. already.

These days, I always say..... "People just don't get it!"

 

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5 hours ago, waitingtowakeup said:

New here and sorry to join... I found you all in a google search of some of my feelings. This thread is echoing a lot of my thoughts. :( I lost my husband three weeks ago today and I feel no desire to live another day without him. It was just one month after his 31st birthday.  We had been together 7.5 years. Married for 5 on the 22nd of this month. He had been ill, but I never thought that this would be us. Everyone else seems to be returning to their full lives, but he was my life.  We never got the chance to have the family we wanted, or the ever after together. If it weren't for my two dogs, I'm not sure what I would do. Every morning I wake up and hope that he's there next to me and that it was all a dream. 

You're the same age and my wife and I. She died 13 weeks ago tomorrow. Like the others have said, I think it's worse now than it was at 3 weeks. At that point I still had the unrealistic belief that somehow I could get my wife back. I would figure out how to "solve" this problem. Now that's mostly gone and all that's left is the crushing realization that she's gone and I'm without my best friend forever. Also like you, most of our friends have young children and have mostly disappeared. It's always so sad to see a new person. Especially one my age since I know what a nightmare it is and how few people can relate. Keep posting. I won't say it helps but at least we understand. Hang in there

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LoveGoli   
7 hours ago, Azipod said:

If you believe in the afterlife, they say that we are spirits occupying a physical body on earth for lessons.  What we are put through to endure here is suppose to make us stronger when we return home to the spirit world.  There, we can use our lessons learned to help others.

I do believe in afterlife but sometime I don't and If we sent here to learn lesson then I don't understand what lesson my husband learnt at age of 30. What  was his purpose here and why he left earth so soon.

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LoveGoli   
1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

You're the same age and my wife and I. She died 13 weeks ago tomorrow. Like the others have said, I think it's worse now than it was at 3 weeks. At that point I still had the unrealistic belief that somehow I could get my wife back. I would figure out how to "solve" this problem. Now that's mostly gone and all that's left is the crushing realization that she's gone and I'm without my best friend forever. Also like you, most of our friends have young children and have mostly disappeared. It's always so sad to see a new person. Especially one my age since I know what a nightmare it is and how few people can relate. Keep posting. I won't say it helps but at least we understand. Hang in there

Completely agree with you, I also think about somehow I could get my husband back, its more than 2 months and still I imagine what would be life with him. What would be our plans for festival and new year, all dream are now gone with him. All friends disappeared bcs they have their family and I am all alone, no one to discus anything. I am tired of this repeating schedule, nothing happening around me or if it does I am not part of it. 

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14 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I do believe in afterlife but sometime I don't and If we sent here to learn lesson then I don't understand what lesson my husband learnt at age of 30. What  was his purpose here and why he left earth so soon.

I don't believe there's any lessons we are here to learn or that there's some greater purpose behind life. IF there's a God and an afterlife, I think the only purpose is to do good things and help people as much as we can while we're here.

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I hear terms like spirit world and my eyes glaze over. 95% chance that we die and it's just nothingness. I know that's pessimistic but I can't shake it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions though. I'm sure the idea that there's something else is very comforting

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LoveGoli   
1 minute ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't believe there's any lessons we are here to learn or that there's some greater purpose behind life. IF there's a God and an afterlife, I think the only purpose is to do good things and help people as much as we can while we're here.

Why we are the only one who is suffering this pain, does God don't know how much we love our partner, don't he has any mercy that he is taking so many young life. At-least he could give us some more years together so that we can fulfill our dream, create family, at least spend few more years together.  I know, no matter how old we get together that is not enough for us but still loosing some one at young age is different kind of trauma. We have so many years which we have to spend alone and being alone till the end, this feeling scares me. 

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I wish I had the answers. I can't say I'm mad at God or blame him. I don't even know if he exists so it's hard to blame him for what happened. I just think the world is a cruel and savage place and we are the ones that have gotten caught in it. Like when you see the wildebeasts crossing the river on the Discovery Channel. Only a few get taken by the crocodiles. Most of them make it across. We're those unlucky ones.

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LoveGoli   
4 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Like when you see the wildebeasts crossing the river on the Discovery Channel. Only a few get taken by the crocodiles. Most of them make it across. We're those unlucky ones.

Your these lines remind me when I used to watch the same in TV and feel sorry for those poor wildebeast who caught by crocodile. But what if , father and child both  caught by crocodile and rest other crossed the river, doesn't it unfair that only one family suffered and rest other are so far from this pain. I am sorry if its doesn't make any sense, its just my life story now.

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It's all of our life stories now. And it's not fair. It's unlucky and unfortunate to be one of the few that are caught. But it's not the wildebeast's fault the crocodile got him. 

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KMB   
23 hours ago, Azipod said:

It is awful.  It is awful.   It hurts so much, after knowing that you've missed your loved one like crazy, to see them again moving in the videos as if they were still here!   I tell you.  It's one thing looking at photos .... but it's another seeing them moving around as if they were just here.   It is sad.   It makes you feel so empty.   It makes you feel that we've all been hit with the biggest punishment in our lives.   But only us.  Why is it just us that have to go through this lifetime of misery?

I totally get that. I have a video of my husband that I cannot bring myself to watch. It was taken at an event we went to where he was interviewed. I was there and a first hand witness. it is all in my memories. But, to actually watch the video, I cannot do it. To see him moving, talking, hearing his voice, I am so afraid of the meltdown and not coming out of it.

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KMB   
1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

I don't understand what lesson my husband learnt at age of 30. What  was his purpose here and why he left earth so soon.

I guess some people fulfill their life plan and learn their lessons sooner. They graduated from earth school into the next life. Those of us left behind obviously still have some things to do and learn yet. Maybe for us, one of the lessons we wanted to learn was grieving the loss of our soul mates. Who knows, maybe in a past life, we crossed over first and our soul mate was dealing with our loss.

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