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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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KayC   

My husband wasn't into football, he was into car shows.  Whenever I see a car show listed, I feel that pinch inside my heart, knowing if he was alive we would be going.  :(  It has to be hard to be hit every Sunday or whenever football is on...

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Eagle-96   
19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Football Sunday just doesn't feel the same. It used to be a day full of games and grilling and fantasy smack talk. This year I was replaced in my league and I'm all alone. Used to be some of my favorite days of the year. Now it's one of the loneliest 

I stopped playing this season too. I just told my friends that my heart wasn't into it this year.

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5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I stopped playing this season too. I just told my friends that my heart wasn't into it this year.

When my wife passed, I completely abandoned my fantasy baseball team. I figured I wouldn't feel like doing football either. But then midway through August I thought maybe it would help me have something to do so I hit up my league commissioner to ask when and where the draft would be. He replied that they had found someone to replace me because he called once and couldn't get ahold of me. I know it's silly but this is a long time keeper league with some of my best friends. We do the draft in person. It's an all day affair. Not to mention I'm the reigning league champ and have our traveling trophy. How could they just replace me like that? I feel like it's because no one would know what to say to me and they were afraid I would ruin the whole day. When it happened a few weeks ago it really crushed me but I didn't post about it because I figured everyone would think it was just a dumb fantasy league.

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I've been having a really rough few days. Not that I was dancing in the streets before but the last few days I've been so lonely. Everything seems to be going wrong and I miss my girl so much. Everything is reminding me of her with all the Halloween decorations coming out. Even going into the dollar tree today sent me into a sobbing fit. I feel so pathetic and broken and like I'm bumming out everyone I have contact with. I can't believe I'll never see Kayla again or hear her voice. I'm sorry to be so depressing everyone

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Eagle-96   
1 minute ago, Djh0901kc said:

When my wife passed, I completely abandoned my fantasy baseball team. I figured I wouldn't feel like doing football either. But then midway through August I thought maybe it would help me have something to do so I hit up my league commissioner to ask when and where the draft would be. He replied that they had found someone to replace me because he called once and couldn't get ahold of me. I know it's silly but this is a long time keeper league with some of my best friends. We do the draft in person. It's an all day affair. Not to mention I'm the reigning league champ and have our traveling trophy. How could they just replace me like that? I feel like it's because no one would know what to say to me and they were afraid I would ruin the whole day. When it happened a few weeks ago it really crushed me but I didn't post about it because I figured everyone would think it was just a dumb fantasy league.

Sometimes it feels like we're being thrown out with the trash. When people don't know how to act around us or might feel uncomfortable around us it's easier to just rid themselves of us. Out of sight out of mind. It's those people saying, "I am uncomfortable around Sean because he reminds me of death so I will choose to disassociate with him to make myself more comfortable" or "You are always sad and I don't want to be sad too so everyone gets invited to the party but you". It sort of then turns into the self-fulfilling prophesy because it further isolates us and makes us even sadder. Aint grief wonderful!

BTW: Fantasy sports leagues are not dumb at all. Besides, there is no judgement on this board.

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Azipod   
7 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I've been having a really rough few days. Not that I was dancing in the streets before but the last few days I've been so lonely. Everything seems to be going wrong and I miss my girl so much. Everything is reminding me of her with all the Halloween decorations coming out. Even going into the dollar tree today sent me into a sobbing fit. I feel so pathetic and broken and like I'm bumming out everyone I have contact with. I can't believe I'll never see Kayla again or hear her voice. I'm sorry to be so depressing everyone

It's OK to feel this way.  You are not alone and I feel the same way too.   I hate Fridays because of an upcoming weekend without my wife.  Then, I hate the start of the week because it's another beginning of time without my wife.   I hate waking up each day for the same reason.  I hate going to sleep every night for the same reason as well!  I hate every minute of the day.

I feel useless, purposeless, and have nothing to work towards.   Everyday is a repeat.  It is painful, grueling, and so emotional.

I am a ball of negative energy.  Frankly, there''s just so much out there that I don't care about at the moment.

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I know no one that plays fantasy thinks it's dumb but I gave a presentation of fantasy sports for a college speech class. Trust me, A LOT of people think it's dumb. Lol. Just another way Kayla was awesome. She loved it as much as I did. She had won her own league two years running. She had never let me live down that she predicted Jimmy Graham's huge breakout season with the Saints and I told her she had wasted a draft pick.

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LoveGoli   
10 hours ago, Azipod said:

I am a ball of negative energy.

Trust me this me right now and I am so afraid that I am going to be a bitter women in every single passing day. I don't like people laughing, enjoying their life.

I see couples in my office laughing and caring for each other, I see pregnant ladies and I hate to see them. They all are so happy, having plan for future, I am so blank, each day just passing not living, nothing makes me happy, I am depressed and always sad. 

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Azipod   

Is it wrong for me to have thoughts about leaving this world so I can be with my wife?   Why is it wrong?  What's so wrong about wanting to be with my wife?  Why should I endure this grueling pain just so I can cope with the loss? Why should I even continue and wait for life to be 'better?'

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LoveGoli   
25 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Is it wrong for me to have thoughts about leaving this world so I can be with my wife?   Why is it wrong?  What's so wrong about wanting to be with my wife?  Why should I endure this grueling pain just so I can cope with the loss? Why should I even continue and wait for life to be 'better?'

I also think about this but then I am afraid, what if I stuck between heaven and earth. Then I wont be able to meet my husband and not be with my family and I am sure that will be painful again. 

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

Is it wrong for me to have thoughts about leaving this world so I can be with my wife?   Why is it wrong?  What's so wrong about wanting to be with my wife?  Why should I endure this grueling pain just so I can cope with the loss? Why should I even continue and wait for life to be 'better?'

I have felt thus way for so long and I keep feeling it. But from the spiritual books I have read since my baby died, I learned that people who take their lives are sent back to earth to endure a similar pain/test. I cant have this pain all over again!

I know my boyfriend has fulfilled whatever his life purpose was. He was an amazing man. So he is not being sent back. I need to keep going and do good deeds until my death so I can be with him for eternity. 

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KayC   

Azipod,

It's nothing that hasn't occurred to us in the beginning, but for many reasons we've hung in there, not wanting to hurt our loved ones and put them through what we're going through, our beliefs not allowing us to take our own lives, and holding on to give ourselves time to feel any measure of hope, to feel any bit of life again.  Merely waiting alone does nothing to help, it's important to do our grief work!  Seeing a professional grief counselor, attending grief support group meetings, journaling, coming here, being willing to learn, reading articles and books on grief, I even did art therapy and found it helpful.  Everything we put into this helps us form a better state of mind that helps us through this.  I pray you'll hold on and give yourself the time you need and seek help in working through this.

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Azipod   
9 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I have felt thus way for so long and I keep feeling it. But from the spiritual books I have read since my baby died, I learned that people who take their lives are sent back to earth to endure a similar pain/test. I cant have this pain all over again!

I know my boyfriend has fulfilled whatever his life purpose was. He was an amazing man. So he is not being sent back. I need to keep going and do good deeds until my death so I can be with him for eternity. 

I have explored the spiritual afterlife after this tragedy.  I have similar beliefs about not committing suicide as a way to "exit."   They say that the souls may get stuck between the earth and spiritual plane, or like you said, you get sent back to earth because you have not completed the lessons that you were sent here to learn.  Either way, the experience is suppose to be bad -- not better than what we are going through now.

This brings it to the point about us saying that our days feel like we're in prison.   We can't leave.  Yet, staying here is so difficult.  The pain is so immense.

I can't "force myself" to exit this world.  That is why I wish something would come and just take away.  For the first time in my life, I am not afraid of dying.  In fact, I am ready to die.   I would love to fall asleep and not wake up ever again.

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Azipod   
9 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I know my boyfriend has fulfilled whatever his life purpose was. He was an amazing man. So he is not being sent back. I need to keep going and do good deeds until my death so I can be with him for eternity. 

Same for my wife.   

Bad things happen to good people.  

I wish they took me instead.  I deserve to go, but not my wife.  

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Azipod   
1 hour ago, KayC said:

Azipod,

It's nothing that hasn't occurred to us in the beginning, but for many reasons we've hung in there, not wanting to hurt our loved ones and put them through what we're going through, our beliefs not allowing us to take our own lives, and holding on to give ourselves time to feel any measure of hope, to feel any bit of life again.  Merely waiting alone does nothing to help, it's important to do our grief work!  Seeing a professional grief counselor, attending grief support group meetings, journaling, coming here, being willing to learn, reading articles and books on grief, I even did art therapy and found it helpful.  Everything we put into this helps us form a better state of mind that helps us through this.  I pray you'll hold on and give yourself the time you need and seek help in working through this.

 

Kay, thank you for taking the time to write to me and for your kind thoughts.   I am processing this grief.  I belong to:

- Weekly informal drop-in grief support group

- Monthly informal drop-in grief support group

- Starting a 8-week spouse loss support group at the end of the month

- Starting an Grief Art workshop next month

- Read 4 books on the spiritual afterlife

- Reading Option #B (book)

- Attending private psycho-therapy with THREE separate therapists on a weekly basis

- Spend Saturdays with my family

- Spend Sundays with in laws

- Begun a cycling as a form of exercise

- Haven't missed a single day of work since my wife's funeral

- AND MUCH MORE!

As you can see.  I'm not sitting at home doing nothing.  I am terribly BUSY.   Has these activities help?   Probably.  They all play a role.   But life still sucks.  I still want to go.  The pain is too great knowing that my wife is no longer here.

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Azipod   
31 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I just had to order new checks and they made me take my wife's name off them. Wasn't ready for that

 

Yes, that totally stinks.

I hate going to the doctors.  Now my "emergency contact" is no longer my wife.

Now, my marital status is SINGLE.

My joint bank accounts will soon be an individual account.

There is nothing out there that doesn't remind us of our loss.  People just don't get it!

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I went to the movies alone tonight to see It. We both love the original and Kayla had been waiting for this to come out forever. Now I just want to talk to her about it. Ask her what she thought. Ask her what she liked and what she hated. God I miss her so much

 

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LoveGoli   
8 hours ago, Azipod said:

For the first time in my life, I am not afraid of dying.  In fact, I am ready to die.   I would love to fall asleep and not wake up ever again.

 

7 hours ago, Azipod said:

 I'm not sitting at home doing nothing.  I am terribly BUSY.   Has these activities help?   Probably.  They all play a role.   But life still sucks.  I still want to go.

 

7 hours ago, Azipod said:

Now my "emergency contact" is no longer my wife.

 

7 hours ago, Azipod said:

My joint bank accounts will soon be an individual account.

It feels like you read my mind. Everything around me reminding me about him, watching old man reminds me, I see old couple together its remind me, I see fathers with their kids its remind me, everything just everything reminds me  about him and my loss.

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Eagle-96   

The strangest things are now reminders of our grief. Of our loneliness. Of our singular existence. So many reminders in our daily lives that our soulmates are not coming back. That no matter how badly wish, the scenario stays the same. The movies still ends the same way. 

 - Table for one, three, five. Never an even number.

 - Certain favorite restaurants I can't go to because of the pain and others that I am drawn to.

 - Seeing her microwave popcorn maker(A STUPID PIECE OF PLASTIC) in the cabinet and balling like a baby.

 - Watching our favorite show and wanting to talk to her about it(I don't watch it anymore now).

 - Opening the garage door and seeing her car and getting excited for a second that she beat me home.

 - Keeping her brush on the counter because maybe, just maybe, she'll need it.

 - Texting her phone every now and again just like I did every morning when I made it safely to work.

 

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KayC   
20 hours ago, Azipod said:

As you can see.  I'm not sitting at home doing nothing.  I am terribly BUSY.   Has these activities help?   Probably.  They all play a role.   But life still sucks.  I still want to go.  The pain is too great knowing that my wife is no longer here.

I know.  It's hard, damned hard.  I get that.  Trust me, 12 years living without my George has been very hard.  Facing old age alone, without him, this was not the plan.  But I keep on trying.  It's all I can do.

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I got on FB for the first time today since a few days after my wife died. In the 15 minutes I was on, her brother saw me and sent me a message calling me a name I won't repeat and asked why I don't talk to anyone in her family. Like I have said, these people have broken into our house, stole things from it, and harassed my own family on social media and in person. Even with all that, what he said broke my heart all over again. It hurts that they all hate me so much. I took care of Kayla through all her bouts of depression when no one else was there for her. And now that she's gone I have nothing. And these people just make it worse. Why would I want to talk to them when I can barely talk to people who are kind to me?

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21 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I got on FB for the first time today since a few days after my wife died. In the 15 minutes I was on, her brother saw me and sent me a message calling me a name I won't repeat and asked why I don't talk to anyone in her family. Like I have said, these people have broken into our house, stole things from it, and harassed my own family on social media and in person. Even with all that, what he said broke my heart all over again. It hurts that they all hate me so much. I took care of Kayla through all her bouts of depression when no one else was there for her. And now that she's gone I have nothing. And these people just make it worse. Why would I want to talk to them when I can barely talk to people who are kind to me?

Bruce's family has been 'nice' to me. Thats to say they were formal and I had to be OK with everything they decided to do. Afterall, I am only a girlfriend. They are selling his house he put so much time and effort to renew. His mum denied my request of even a scoop of his ashes. His sister wont let me take in his pet. 

It would be 5 years since we have been a couple the 15th of this month. All that time, they werent close to him. They never cared about his problems. I get how they see it though. They are his family. And im not (Ironically, Bruce used to say I was the only family he had!). It hurts that they emphasise this with their every act. 

I dont think they understand or even try to understand what we are going through. I havent been called names but youre not alone.

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Azipod   

Today was not a good day.  I was not feeling good.   For the first time ever since my wife's passing, I couldn't wait to get home from work.   Work was grueling, but I've used up a lot of mental energy.   I decided to go home and do nothing tonight.

Well, the nothing turned into getting on the computer, surfing around looking for things to amuse me.   Then, I saw a folder on my desktop labeled "Amy Videos."   These are the videos I downloaded from our security camera after my wife left.   I downloaded all of them knowing that they are the last videos I'll ever have of her.

Well, I think you guys know what's next.  I told myself not to look at them.  I remembered vividly how difficult it was viewing them for the first time when I downloaded them.    I told myself that it couldn't be that bad.  I had a bad day already, I feel awful, so it wouldn't be that bad.    Then I decided to click on a random video.   BIG MISTAKE!

It is awful.  It is awful.   It hurts so much, after knowing that you've missed your loved one like crazy, to see them again moving in the videos as if they were still here!   I tell you.  It's one thing looking at photos .... but it's another seeing them moving around as if they were just here.   It is sad.   It makes you feel so empty.   It makes you feel that we've all been hit with the biggest punishment in our lives.   But only us.  Why is it just us that have to go through this lifetime of misery?

Then, I decided to watch the LAST recorded video.   It is the video showing us leaving for our trip to Europe.   Watching the video, it was crystal clear.   Little that she knew.  Little that I knew, at that time when we were leaving the house........... was my wife leaving this house for the VERY LAST TIME.    She never returned home.

How awful!     Is this what we call life?    This isn't life.  This is a prison!  and it's not fair!

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LoveGoli   
22 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Today was not a good day.  I was not feeling good.   For the first time ever since my wife's passing, I couldn't wait to get home from work.   Work was grueling, but I've used up a lot of mental energy.   I decided to go home and do nothing tonight.

Well, the nothing turned into getting on the computer, surfing around looking for things to amuse me.   Then, I saw a folder on my desktop labeled "Amy Videos."   These are the videos I downloaded from our security camera after my wife left.   I downloaded all of them knowing that they are the last videos I'll ever have of her.

Well, I think you guys know what's next.  I told myself not to look at them.  I remembered vividly how difficult it was viewing them for the first time when I downloaded them.    I told myself that it couldn't be that bad.  I had a bad day already, I feel awful, so it wouldn't be that bad.    Then I decided to click on a random video.   BIG MISTAKE!

It is awful.  It is awful.   It hurts so much, after knowing that you've missed your loved one like crazy, to see them again moving in the videos as if they were still here!   I tell you.  It's one thing looking at photos .... but it's another seeing them moving around as if they were just here.   It is sad.   It makes you feel so empty.   It makes you feel that we've all been hit with the biggest punishment in our lives.   But only us.  Why is it just us that have to go through this lifetime of misery?

Then, I decided to watch the LAST recorded video.   It is the video showing us leaving for our trip to Europe.   Watching the video, it was crystal clear.   Little that she knew.  Little that I knew, at that time when we were leaving the house........... was my wife leaving this house for the VERY LAST TIME.    She never returned home.

How awful!     Is this what we call life?    This isn't life.  This is a prison!  and it's not fair!

I feel so sorry for you, I also have 3 small videos of my husband and I try to avoid them but still sometime I watch them knowing it will hurt me but its our heart who doesn't listen to our mind.

You are right, this is not what we called life, it is prison and we have to finish our punishment here, I am taking life like this now. I think I have done something really bad in past life and that is why I am getting this punishment and I have to finish my punishment in this life. if we finish our life then this punishment will not over and will follow us in next life and  again we have to suffer from same pain, so its better to complete punishment in this life.

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