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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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Djh,

I hope you will stop and consider that you have not been at this grieving/loss thing very long in the relative scheme of things, and you have not had time to adjust or see any hope for living a life without her in your life.  It's pretty hard to explain it to someone fresh in their loss, because they just don't see it, but with the grief work we put in over a long period of time, we can find purpose and build a life for ourselves.  I know you'll likely question anything I say so I don't know how to point you to hope but it does exist, if only you can hold on until you find it.

I am wondering how to handle my daughter's anniversary coming up 9/9...she was with her husband 17 years, it will be their 8th anniversary...following their loss of their baby he left her.  I'm afraid if I send her flowers she'll think they're from him and her heart will sink if she sees they're from me, I don't want to bring her that letdown.  Maybe send her a card?  She usually only checks her mail once a week so she might not get it on the right day.  It's hard to know what to say, I know the pain and grief she bears.  How do you comfort someone whose husband wanted to leave them?

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I know my loss is new and is very fresh.  But can I really be happy in the future?  Being happy is all relative.   Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much down the road.  Maybe I can learn how to cope with my feelings and carry on with my life.   But will I truly be happy?   To me, I can only see that being happy means being able to be with my wife again. Learning how to cope with my wife not being around, but be able to cherish the memories we had in the past, does not equate to happiness to me.   That's just learning how to accept the loss.   This does not equate to being happy to me.

Maybe in time, someday, I will become happy and find new romance with someone new, but that seems like a chapter #2, where I have to turn the page on my 1st wife.  I don't want that.

So with that said, are we truly capable to be "happy" again???

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5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know my loss is new and is very fresh.  But can I really be happy in the future?  Being happy is all relative.   Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much down the road.  Maybe I can learn how to cope with my feelings and carry on with my life.   But will I truly be happy?   To me, I can only see that being happy means being able to be with my wife again. Learning how to cope with my wife not being around, but be able to cherish the memories we had in the past, does not equate to happiness to me.   That's just learning how to accept the loss.   This does not equate to being happy to me.

Maybe in time, someday, I will become happy and find new romance with someone new, but that seems like a chapter #2, where I have to turn the page on my 1st wife.  I don't want that.

So with that said, are we truly capable to be "happy" again???

Happy is a relative term. One person's average day is utter bliss for someone else. My cousin who is almost three years into her journey as a widow says she hopes for "something approaching joy". I understand her point of view. I like to think of it as; Can we ever be as happy as we were before we lost our soulmates? I honestly don't know if I can achieve that. Five months into this and my best days now are a far cry from my former average days. We're changed. We're different. The things that brought us happiness before barely register now. And when I AM happy, I find myself thinking that I wish Lori was here to share it. 

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I drive 200 miles a day for work. I fill that time by listening to dozens and dozens of podcasts. I would beg my wife to listen to them and while she tried, she just simply didn't have the time to listen that I did. Today, I had the thought that finally she could hear everything I did. She finally would be able to hear every single pod that I listened to at work. This gave me possibly my first sense of happiness since she died. It was followed almost immediate by the realization that we would never be able to talk about them like I always wanted. It's scary to think that any joy or happiness I am able to find now will always have that downside. Wish Kayla were here to share it with.

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

I know my loss is new and is very fresh.  But can I really be happy in the future?  Being happy is all relative.   Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much down the road.  Maybe I can learn how to cope with my feelings and carry on with my life.   But will I truly be happy?   To me, I can only see that being happy means being able to be with my wife again. Learning how to cope with my wife not being around, but be able to cherish the memories we had in the past, does not equate to happiness to me.   That's just learning how to accept the loss.   This does not equate to being happy to me.

Maybe in time, someday, I will become happy and find new romance with someone new, but that seems like a chapter #2, where I have to turn the page on my 1st wife.  I don't want that.

So with that said, are we truly capable to be "happy" again???

In my office when my friends try to make me happy they crack stupid jokes and sometime I actually smiled but smile only not laughter which I used to give. How happy I was that time when my husband was here, I used to laugh every silly jokes and office silly problems gives me tension but now I don't care about office work or pleasing my boss or colleagues . All those problems I thought now was not a problem it was just part of our live daily routine you can say but the reality I am facing right now is just cruel. I wish all those problem come to me even big problems but my husband stay here.

Sometime I feel how sometime I was so tensed for silly things and now this happened with me and I am still living, how stupid I was. Those problems were nothing I was just overreacting and also giving tension to my husband but now no one is here to listen my daily life incidents.

 

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56 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

but now no one is here to listen my daily life incidents.

 

Our loss certainly changes us and our outlook on life itself. Besides the loss of our special person, we also find plenty of other losses over time. Grieving for our loved one has a very large ripple effect. I do not like it. I was quite happy and content "before". There is no going back.

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3 minutes ago, KMB said:

Our loss certainly changes us and our outlook on life itself. Besides the loss of our special person, we also find plenty of other losses over time. Grieving for our loved one has a very large ripple effect. I do not like it. I was quite happy and content "before". There is no going back.

Then how would I survive, at age of 29 I am not suppose to see all these. Other friends of mine enjoying their life with their partners and I am alone here. How long I have to survive this, when I will be normal or at-least okay.

Yesterday I was so upset,  we have wedding in our home in 23 Sept and everyone is so excited, even my sister and mother was trying their clothes for wedding and I was crying alone that time. When my husband was here, we were also planning about our clothes and now he is gone and I am not interested in wedding. In India, wedding is big family function and we were so excited for this and now all other are excited except me. Why I am suffering this pain, my husband should be here to enjoy these moments with me, now no one is here whom I can show my stuff or look into his eyes and ask him, how am I looking, no will ever say to me that wow baby you are looking gorgeous, why me , why. I am so tensed from yesterday, these occasion makes me feel more empty and lonely, I hate this life.

I was shouting on my husband yesterday night, I was so angry on him, why you hold my hand if you are not going to complete this journey with me, you left me in starting of the journey not even middle. My husband was not so rich but I did not care about this much, all I wanted him, I knew that one day we will make money by our hard work but now everything is lost. I did not ask god for money or car or other stuff, I just wanted long life for my husband , every time I go to temple I asked god to give long life to my husband that all I want but he did not listen, I hate you God, for me you do not exist anymore. 

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14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

In my office when my friends try to make me happy they crack stupid jokes and sometime I actually smiled but smile only not laughter which I used to give. How happy I was that time when my husband was here, I used to laugh every silly jokes and office silly problems gives me tension but now I don't care about office work or pleasing my boss or colleagues . All those problems I thought now was not a problem it was just part of our live daily routine you can say but the reality I am facing right now is just cruel. I wish all those problem come to me even big problems but my husband stay here.

Sometime I feel how sometime I was so tensed for silly things and now this happened with me and I am still living, how stupid I was. Those problems were nothing I was just overreacting and also giving tension to my husband but now no one is here to listen my daily life incidents.

 

Everything we thought were problems before seem so very small now. I think about the things I thought were difficult or tough to deal with before and I just laugh at them now. Losing our soulmates changes our perspective on life and what we can and can't handle. 

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For me I try not to compare or expect life to ever be anything close to what it was before...it never will be, I've accepted that.  I appreciate even moments of joy, no matter how small,no matter how fleeting.  I have learned to live in the present, fully appreciating what is rather than merely focusing on what isn't.  That is how I've learned to do this.

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Today I found a scrapbook Kayla made for me in Valentine's Day in 2006. It had been inexplicably put out for the garbage by the people my mother hired to do some cleaning in our house since I haven't been able to stay at home. She saw it and rescued it but not before it was rained on and mostly destroyed. Even though it's a wreck I was able to save a few things out of it including four letters she had written to me over the years. Does anyone know of any way to preserve paper that has been damaged by water and in one case mildew?

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

Today I found a scrapbook Kayla made for me in Valentine's Day in 2006. It had been inexplicably put out for the garbage by the people my mother hired to do some cleaning in our house since I haven't been able to stay at home. She saw it and rescued it but not before it was rained on and mostly destroyed. Even though it's a wreck I was able to save a few things out of it including four letters she had written to me over the years. Does anyone know of any way to preserve paper that has been damaged by water and in one case mildew?

https://www.belfor.com/en/us/recovery-services/document-restoration

http://www.emptymirrorbooks.com/collecting/recovering-water-damaged-books-and-paper-is-it-possible.html

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19 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Then how would I survive, at age of 29 I am not suppose to see all these. Other friends of mine enjoying their life with their partners and I am alone here. How long I have to survive this, when I will be normal or at-least okay.

Yesterday I was so upset,  we have wedding in our home in 23 Sept and everyone is so excited, even my sister and mother was trying their clothes for wedding and I was crying alone that time. When my husband was here, we were also planning about our clothes and now he is gone and I am not interested in wedding. In India, wedding is big family function and we were so excited for this and now all other are excited except me. Why I am suffering this pain, my husband should be here to enjoy these moments with me, now no one is here whom I can show my stuff or look into his eyes and ask him, how am I looking, no will ever say to me that wow baby you are looking gorgeous, why me , why. I am so tensed from yesterday, these occasion makes me feel more empty and lonely, I hate this life.

I was shouting on my husband yesterday night, I was so angry on him, why you hold my hand if you are not going to complete this journey with me, you left me in starting of the journey not even middle. My husband was not so rich but I did not care about this much, all I wanted him, I knew that one day we will make money by our hard work but now everything is lost. I did not ask god for money or car or other stuff, I just wanted long life for my husband , every time I go to temple I asked god to give long life to my husband that all I want but he did not listen, I hate you God, for me you do not exist anymore. 

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is beyond tough for all of us. My heart is with you, because I can understand why an upcoming family wedding is causing you such agony. I have no advice for you on how to get through it. We learn to adapt and do the best we can with social events, even though we don't feel like it. We cannot hurt the ones we love. Have you talked to your family about how you are feeling about the wedding? Do you have to have an active role in it? Maybe you can be in attendance for a certain part of it? I do not know what your culture expects from these events. Hopefully, you can excuse yourself and go to a rest room or somewhere to cry and compose yourself when you need to.

It takes a very long time to get ourselves through the hardest parts of the grieving process. I've been in it for a little over a year and I am still finding my way through. I have been having a little more decent days and then there are still the bad days. There is no time frame for anyone. I just go with the flow of it.:wub:

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Djh, I'm so sorry about your scrapbook. Hopefully, Sean's links will be helpful to you.

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

Have you talked to your family about how you are feeling about the wedding? Do you have to have an active role in it? Maybe you can be in attendance for a certain part of it? I do not know what your culture expects from these events. Hopefully, you can excuse yourself and go to a rest room or somewhere to cry and compose yourself when you need to.

KMB, thanks for writing, I did not share my feeling with my family because I don't want to spoil their happiness, however they know what I am going through and they don't discuss with me for the dresses and plannings also I am not going to this wedding because its impossible for me to stop crying while watching all wedding rituals again and I don't want to spoil other fun time. I started writing journal but sometime only not daily because once I reach home I don't want to write, I just want to lay down and miss my Goli and cry cry cry. 

Yesterday I was thinking to leave my job and live with my mother but they want me to work because they are afraid if I do not work then I wont be able to move on but I am not sure. Why I am working , I don't have my husband, baby no one then for whom I am earning, I don't know I am so confused I wish I can die so that all problems end automatically.

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

For me I try not to compare or expect life to ever be anything close to what it was before...it never will be, I've accepted that.  I appreciate even moments of joy, no matter how small,no matter how fleeting.  I have learned to live in the present, fully appreciating what is rather than merely focusing on what isn't.  That is how I've learned to do this.

You are so strong KayC, but may be I am not that strong. I can't stop my mind thinking about him or comparison between my past life and my current life. What could have happen that night, what ,if, questions  continuously coming into my mind and I can't stop these questions. I am not strong mentally, I am unable to focus on other things , totally blank or full of thoughts about him. Its almost 2 months and no progress at all. 

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16 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Waking up without her this morning was one of the worst things I've ever had to do

I'm really sorry. You are not alone.  Today is 2 months for me.  Life feels ugly.

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1 minute ago, Djh0901kc said:

15 years together. 11 years married. 11 weeks since the day she died. All today

Thinking about you today as you go through it without her. 

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Thank you. I took the day off work. Didn't think I would be able to handle it. Just sitting around being sad basically. Looking at pictures and shedding a river of tears. Appreciate all of you

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

Waking up without her this morning was one of the worst things I've ever had to do

This the worst thingh I have to face everday. Then I see his photograph and torture myself.

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12 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

You are so strong KayC, but may be I am not that strong.

No, I'm 12 years out, you're fresh in this.  At your time period I wanted to kill myself, but I realized I didn't really want to die, I just didn't want to go through what I knew I'd have to go through.  I've done a LOT of grief work in the years since...seen a grief counselor, been on a grief forum for 12 years, been mentored by Marty Tousley, did art therapy, wrote letters to my husband, journaled, made mistakes and learned from them, read countless articles and books, and started my own grief support group.  With every bit of grief work we put into this, it helps. 

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Yeah I can't have days with nothing planned. I have a few nights free each week and they are though.

Can you go out for a drive?  Sometimes I do that. Or drive to a scenic place and just sit in your car.  Go get some groceries?  Just find a place to go.  Every now and then, I will take the long route going out and go to a farther store just to eat up some time.

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6 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I wish I had gone to work. This may be the longest day of all time

Thinking of you today. The "firsts" are really hard to get through. My birthday came 3 weeks after my husband passed. It wasn't until that night, that I remembered what the day was. I spent the rest of the night crying.  People have told me that the 2nd year is worse. How can anything be worse than the 1st year? But, I am going into my 2nd year and I feel the same as I always have. Lost, lonely, despondent, empty.   Hang in there the best you can. We are here for each other.

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