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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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I just wanted to say thank you to you guys. Even on here, like it real life, it seems like most people pop in and post a few times then disappear. Or when you first make a post people comment but then after awhile no one has anything left to say to you. I appreciate you guys who are always there with a kind word when I'm really feeling down. In all honesty, I probably would have killed myself a couple times by now if not for the few of you who are always there. I can't say thank you enough.

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Djh,  This forum has become my life line. Like you, I don't know where I would be without this resource and the warm, compassionate fellow grievers here. I have thought many times of giving up. In some ways, I have. I do not care about the things I used to. Taking care of the house and yard, etc., is all done by automation. A way of filling time. I feel that I am only still here to take care of our pets. I could not betray and abandon them because of my misery. They miss my husband too, and I am the only one they have left to care for them.

Every day is like a prison sentence in a way. No early release into the place where my husband is. I know this is negative thinking, but I can't help my feelings. The longer this separation goes on, the harder it gets for me to go on from day to day. I get more tired and frustrated. I swear I've aged at least 10 years in the last year.

We just have to somehow keep plugging away and see how the future unfolds.

I like the pic of you and your wife. You both radiate love and happiness.

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It is a prison indeed.  My emotions have settled down in the last few weeks, but overall I am still very sad.  I have a hard time at home, looking at all the stuff we've created together and now it's only for me to enjoy.  It's so sad.

An area of my gums have been swollen for the last 3 weeks and it's been very tender.  I'm hoping It gets serious enough for me to seek medical attention. It would be great if they told me I have terminal cancer.  That way, I'm able to leave this world and be with my wife.

I'm no longer afraid of death.  It would be great if someone would just take me away.

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I don't go home really. Every few days I'll stay there. I stay at my moms if I can stand it or I keep a pillow and blanket in my car. Going home is a nightmare. Sleeping in the car is preferable to going there.

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Some of us are really sad cases, aren't we? I thought about sleeping in one of our 2 vehicles also. I couldn't. We shared those vehicles and they have their memories too. We shared everything and did everything together. No escape except the one that is a sin to do. I smoke. Have tried to quit many times over the years. I wanted to stay healthy for my my husband. I used to tease him that I would be the one to leave first, because of that nasty habit. Now, due to the missing him and the constant stress, I'm smoking more than ever. But, the doctor says my heart is good, my lungs are clear. No escape-----

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I don't smoke but bought a pack a week after my wife died. Couldn't stick with it because it made me sick. I drive 200 miles a day for work so, like you, we always thought that I would die waaaay before her. This isn't how it was supposed to happen...

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Life certainly doesn't go according to how we have it in our minds. We plan, we think we have it all under control. It has the last laugh on us.

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5 hours ago, KMB said:

Life certainly doesn't go according to how we have it in our minds. We plan, we think we have it all under control. It has the last laugh on us.

Plan, I hate this word now. A week before when my Goli left me, he was all good and we were planning to buy home and discussing about the locations. I was super excited and planing about the home then babies and fast forward baby's creches , fast forward up-down from office to home location then in between Goli told me that don't you think you are planning too much, don't plan too much and just flow with time. The very next week he left me and his words continuously coming in my mind like he knew that he is going to leave me very soon and that is why suggesting me not to plan so much.

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

It is a prison indeed.  My emotions have settled down in the last few weeks, but overall I am still very sad.  I have a hard time at home, looking at all the stuff we've created together and now it's only for me to enjoy.  It's so sad.

An area of my gums have been swollen for the last 3 weeks and it's been very tender.  I'm hoping It gets serious enough for me to seek medical attention. It would be great if they told me I have terminal cancer.  That way, I'm able to leave this world and be with my wife.

I'm no longer afraid of death.  It would be great if someone would just take me away.

Even after all the "signs" I have had from Bruce, I am in between believing and or believing in an afterlife for who knows...maybe I have gone crazy...

But I feel definitely the same as you Azipod. Regardless of there being an afterlife or not, I just wanna be dead. If there is, then I'll meet with him. If not, then at least I'll be free from this pain.

I have had a heart problem related to this stress diagnosed as arrythmia and was prescribed to take tablets daily which I dont.

Now I feel my kidneys started hurting (I guess because I dont drink as much water as I used to). 

I used to eat only healthy stuff and drink ten glasses of water a day. Now I drink alcohol almost everyday plus soda coke etc. I eat junkfood fastfood etc. although I dont enjoy the taste of any of those! I lost a lot of weight and am still losing. Everyone used to say I have a gorgeous hair and its been falling off loads as well. Not that I care about my looks anymore...

I just am waiting for a terminal illness to hit me so I can finally make sense of what has happened. 

An area of my gums has also been swollen for a while and is very sensitive. With any luck, maybe we will both find out what we would like soon. Look at how cheerful our new reality is!..

Sorry for the gloomy post. I just cant be positive having just received Bruce's ashes. 

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20 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I probably would have killed myself a couple times by now if not for the few of you who are always there.

This is the one place I can come to where I know I'll be with others that understand.  My family loves me but they don't get what this is like, there's no way they can...not until you're there yourself.

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

I feel that I am only still here to take care of our pets.

To be quite honest, I'd be almost afraid to NOT have pets to be responsible for...they are my incentive for going on.  Oh I can do all kinds of things for people, like being Church Treasurer, but that's not reason enough to keep going...my pets are.  

And KMB, I'm glad you're here, you've helped a lot of people, so has Janice.  I appreciate you both.  We're all helping each other through this journey.

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17 hours ago, Azipod said:

It would be great if they told me I have terminal cancer.

That's not the way to go, trust me.  I took care of my MIL nearly three years while she was bedridden with cancer.  I hope you call the dentist for an appt. today.

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8 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

The very next week he left me and his words continuously coming in my mind like he knew that he is going to leave me very soon and that is why suggesting me not to plan so much.

I am a planner.  It runs in my family, super organized planners.  My little sister carries it to an extreme...I used to be like her, planning my life away until there was no room in my crowded calendar for spontaneity, every moment accounted for ahead of time.  When George came along, that changed.  He was my spontaneous one, and I wanted nothing more than room in my life for him.  Now it seems not to matter what plans I have, they may be carried out or they may crash and burn.

I had plans for this upcoming weekend, every day.  Now my son is coming and bringing my two year old granddaughter...all my plans out the window.  That's how it seems with plans sometimes.  We make them but only God knows if we'll carry them out.  I've been hearing a lot about resilience lately...how important it is to the survival of grievers.  Learning to go with the flow, roll with the punches, allowing our plans to change.  Not letting ourselves become unduly upset by the changes.  Death gives that thought whole new meaning.  Of course we're upset!  We wouldn't be human if we weren't!  Yet somehow we have to adjust, muddle on... 

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Now I drink alcohol almost everyday

A glass of wine relaxes some people...just a word of caution...alcohol is a depressant, most of us don't need help getting more depressed so it's kind of the last thing we need.  Exercise, on the other hand, stimulates good feelings, so a brisk walk can elevate our mood.

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To all in this thread that are posting of wanting God to just take them so the pain will end. I feel the same. Before 04/01/17 I always feared a new pain or a twinge or tweak. I would go to the doctor and get checked because I wanted to be healthy. To be here for Lori. We were gonna grow old together and sit in our rocking chairs on the porch. I feared terminal illness and death because I was living for Lori. Now I don't fear death. I don't think many of us on the forum fear it anymore. It's is quite a striking 180 degree turn for us. A massive shift in our thinking and in our habits. Now most of the things I do and the characteristics I exhibit are met with the phrase, "I just don't care" under my breath. I know if I died that there would be people who cared. People who would be sad. Those that would shed tears. But there would be nobody on Earth that would be devastated for me the way that I am devastated at Lori's death. That is a striking thought that brings clarity to the pain I endure and the lack of pain that would be felt at my passing.

 

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53 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

To all in this thread that are posting of wanting God to just take them so the pain will end.

I think ALL of us have felt that way, especially in the first year or two.  Even now it has gotten old, being alone without him all these years, I'm more than done with it, yet I have no choice, and I won't end my life.  Wishing it was over and actually doing something to bring that about are two different things.

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55 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

I know if I died that there would be people who cared. People who would be sad. Those that would shed tears. But there would be nobody on Earth that would be devastated for me the way that I am devastated at Lori's death.

Oh boy, do I know what you mean!  It is hard continuing, knowing no one feels about us like we do our loved one...we feel very alone with our thoughts and feelings.

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13 minutes ago, KayC said:

Oh boy, do I know what you mean!  It is hard continuing, knowing no one feels about us like we do our loved one...we feel very alone with our thoughts and feelings.

In an experience that is FILLED with massive and daunting realizations. This thought is possibly the most haunting. That nobody on Earth cares for me the way Lori did. Nobody has my back like she did. Nobody gets butterflies just thinking about me. Nobody will grieve for me as I grieve for her. It's a very lonely feeling.

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I'm experiencing a bit of a relapse of the anger phase.  I'm upset that my wife left.  It's so difficult for those that are left behind.  It's going to be a lifetime of sadness.  In the past, I've always been afraid of death.  We're not taught about these things.  There's the uncertainty, perhaps pain, and you worry for those that you leave behind.  Frankly, I don't really care.  I live alone, I have no children.   I know my family will be sad, but their life is not dependent on me, they don't need me per se.       

I just want to go.  I wish something something will just come and naturally take me away.   Funny thing is that while I'm writing this, I'm having my breakfast oatmeal.  I eat this to to increase my fiber intake due to having high cholesterol.    Maybe I should just stop eating it all together.   Dying from having clogged arteries doesn't sound that bad right now.

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Our anniversary is in 3 days. How am I going to get through this. I won't spend it with her for the first time in 15 years. I was still in high school the last time we didn't do something together on 9/1

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

Our anniversary is in 3 days. How am I going to get through this. I won't spend it with her for the first time in 15 years. I was still in high school the last time we didn't do something together on 9/1

Those days are so very tough. I will be thinking of you with the hope that you will have strength on Friday to make it through. Lori and I would always write in our anniversary cards something to the effect of "here's to 50 more anniversaries with you" or "looking forward to the rest of our lives together". We always had more time. More milestones. More memories to make. October is her birthday. November our anniversary and Thanksgiving. December is Christmas and New Years Eve. It will be a very daunting few months.

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I appreciate that. The thought has crossed my mind that it would be a poetic day to leave this world and end the nightmare. I've been digging for all the cards she gave me over the years. She liked to fill them up. I always teased her about it but now I'm glad she did. I hope you find your own strength in the months to come. That's a tough set of milestones to cross.

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8 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I appreciate that. The thought has crossed my mind that it would be a poetic day to leave this world and end the nightmare. I've been digging for all the cards she gave me over the years. She liked to fill them up. I always teased her about it but now I'm glad she did. I hope you find your own strength in the months to come. That's a tough set of milestones to cross.

Just know that if you get too down and are considering suicide, I hope you will contact one of the the suicide hotlines at http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. We ALL care about you and your well being but we are not equipped to provide the help you may need to get through a tough time.  

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On 8/28/2017 at 9:45 AM, Eagle-96 said:

In an experience that is FILLED with massive and daunting realizations. This thought is possibly the most haunting. That nobody on Earth cares for me the way Lori did. Nobody has my back like she did. Nobody gets butterflies just thinking about me. Nobody will grieve for me as I grieve for her. It's a very lonely feeling.

Very well said, Sean. I have been trying to explain my feelings to my daughter, who is currently living back at home. She hasn't been married yet or been in a long term close relationship. So, she just doesn't understand the depth of love that two people can share and how the grieving can really make you feel and think when you lose that person to a death. She is upset with me right now, but it is mostly because she has been searching for a man for herself,  comparable to her stepdad, and hasn't experienced what I have. Of course, she doesn't have the experience with loss either .Life can be so complex, and she is still learning.

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Djh, I will keep you in my thoughts on Friday. Those special days can be tougher than any other. Please, keep in mind Sean's advice about the suicide hotline if you feel yourself sinking to that point. It was either in December or January when I sunk so low and had to make that call. I tried calling a family member and a friend and both were unavailable. I needed someone desperately to talk to, to listen. I am glad I made that call.

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