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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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Kay you're obviously very religious and have strong Christian beliefs. Can I ask what you think about stuff like visitation dreams? Sometimes I wonder how the two mix. If someone is in Heaven do they just pop down for something like this? I'm genuinely curious what someone of faith thinks.

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KayC   

I really have no idea how it works, I just accept it as a possibility.  

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Eagle-96   

I wish I knew how it works because I have had a few dreams about Lori where she was briefly in them. I had one where it was all about her and I and I could feel her when I held her. We talked to each other. It was amazing. I am a Christian and my thought is that I simply don't know(there are many things my finite mind can't comprehend) if it is Lori coming to my dreams or God sending the images to me as a comfort. Either way doesn't matter to me. Just as long as she is there.

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Azipod   
16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Kay you're obviously very religious and have strong Christian beliefs. Can I ask what you think about stuff like visitation dreams? Sometimes I wonder how the two mix. If someone is in Heaven do they just pop down for something like this? I'm genuinely curious what someone of faith thinks.

Visitation dreams are a common way for the spirit people to communicate with us because that is when our mind is at ease.  When we are awake, we are constantly distracted with things that are going on in our life and our thoughts are distracted with sadness, depression, etc.  During these "hectic periods," we miss all the signs.   In order for us to see the signs, we need to be relaxed.  That's why communicating with the spirit people usually starts with some sort of meditation.   When we sleep, our souls leave the body.  It is in a relaxed state.   This makes it easier for the other side to communicate with us.    I'm not sure if this was your question, but I hope it helps.

I have not yet received a visitation dream.  However, my wife has been communicating with me by moving objects around the house.  

There are two photos of a shed we have in our backyard for gardening tools.  In the ROCK1 photo, notice that there is a small rock laying in front of the left door.   I now live alone. No one has access to my backyard.   I'm not sure where that rock came from.   It suddenly appeared about 1.5 weeks ago.  The rock is likely 2 lbs.   Then, last night (about a week since the rock first appeared), the rock suddenly moved over to the left corner of the shed base (ROCK2 photo).   I spent a few hours in the backyard yesterday morning for gardening work.  The rock WAS NOT at the corner until I got home from my in-laws after 9pm last night.

The "Bottle" pic contains some sort of alcohol.  I have an informal memorial on my kitchen table which was setup by my mother in law for my wife.  It consists of her portrait, flowers, incense, fruit, and this sealed bottle of alcohol.  Initially, the white sticker label containing the Chinese words were on the top 1/3 of the bottle.  Around the same time when I noticed the appearance of the first rock, I also noticed that the label "was moved" to the bottom 3rd of the bottle.   I checked the label. And although the edges of the sticker adhesive are raised, the center is still stuck on the bottle tight.      I'm not sure how the label moved.

Again, I live alone, and no one has access to my house.   I might be sad, but I am not crazy.  That I know for sure.

 

 

rock1.jpg

rock2.jpg

bottle.jpg

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KMB   

Azipod, Remarkable! I would definitely take those things as signs.Spirits operate on energy and anything is possible.

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KMB   
14 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

You guys are so positive. I feel like something is wrong with me. You're all awesome people

Trust me, there is nothing wrong with you. You miss your wife, you miss the life you had with her. You miss what could have been. I miss my husband every second. This is a tough road we are on. It is so hard to have any thoughts that are positive. We are so focused on our grieving that everything else about life is in a cloudy haze. When someone posts about experiencing signs, it gives you pause to take some moments to be happy for them. Signs are a positive that give us hope that our loved ones are trying to communicate that they are still with us. Of course,our loved ones are not in the physical life here as we are,but have moved on ahead of us into the next dimension of our souls existence. We are just not able to see or hear them in that other dimension. I guess I would compare it to those mirrors used in interrogation rooms. Our loved ones can see and hear us, but we are on the other side of the mirror with not the same access.

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Azipod   

Well, I may have finally had my 1st visitation dream last night.   I'm not sure, but I know it's different, and it brought me a lot of comfort.  It's been 7-weeks since my wife has transitioned.  I've been a mess emotionally.  But I have been very calm in the last few days.

Early this morning, I remember waking up and realizing how cold my bed was.  That is of course, due to no longer having my wife next to me.   Then, I fell asleep.  For background, note that I rarely dream.  And if I do dream, it's usually about nothing significant.

This morning, the dream took place in a hotel room where we had been vacationing (she passed during our vacation).  I vividly recall seeing my wife in good spirit, in good health, and moving around in a new body. She was not sick, like how she was during the last days.   I remember questioning myself why, despite the medical issues the night before, that the doctors did not set up a follow-up appointment for her.   Then, I was reminded that my wife had already passed.

The scene quickly jumps to a church.  We are not religious so I'm not sure where the church setting comes from.   There, again, my wife was completely free.  She was well, she was completely mobile, free of any limitations, and she was happy.  We were sitting there.  We were having a conversation.  The context was that she had already passed, but we were still talking with me understanding that she had already transitioned.  At some point, I was able to feel her.  I can touch her.  I can physically hug and kiss her.  It was really intense, and this was happening to me as an "active 1st person" in the dream as oppose to a passive experience.  We were both very happy.     I recall telling her that I had to put her 9 feet under (double depth burial plot).  She said, No silly, it's only 6.5 feet.  That's what my energy is telling me.  I said, Nooo, it's 9-feet, because I'm planning to be at the 6-feet level.

Then I had an aching question.  I said this has really been bothering me, and I wanted to ask you to see how you would feel.  I told her that I felt left behind, and because I'm only 39, I cautiously told her that there may be opportunities where I might run into other people.   And asked if that was OK with her?   She responded happily and quickly and said, "Of course it was ok, silly.  You can't just sit around and do nothing!"  The dream suddenly ended.

Earlier today, I was still questioning whether this was a visitation dream?   Now, a few hours later, I truly believe it was.  I did find it very comforting.   I do not ever recall ever having a dream where I could feel, sense, and touch someone, let a lone a dream where I had an active 1st person role in it.  The dream was very detailed, the images are vivid, and there were no "non sense" things such as a flying rubber ducky in the sky .... everything was real, just like how it could play out in real life.   The comfort this dream has given me is hard to describe. It was very real.  The purpose was clear, and the details were not drawn out but very succinct. 

The timing of this dream was great.  Over the last 5 days, I've been really calm.  Even though I have been sad, I have been able to manage my emotions and have had very little emotional breakdowns.   Also,  you may recall that I posted a message yesterday (scroll up above), where I accepted that I have been receiving "signs" from my wife -- she had been moving objects around my house.    Now that my mind is at ease (I'm sure this is temporary), and I have accepted her signs, perhaps now I reached a point where it was capable for my wife to communicate with me in a dream.

It feels great.  The dream also had a message -- the message where she clearly showed me that she's fine where she is.  The dream also allowed me ask an aching question.    In all, it felt great being able to re-live a moment with my wife.... someone who I've missed dearly.

 

 

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KMB   
12 hours ago, Azipod said:

Well, I may have finally had my 1st visitation dream last night.   I'm not sure, but I know it's different, and it brought me a lot of comfort

i am happy for you! Hold tight to that comfort. Write down everything you can remember, keep a dream notebook. Something to look back on during the low times. Trying to remain calm, relaxed, is the secret to seeing signs and receiving dream visitations. Takes a lot of energy for spirit to to do those things. It is hard for them to break through the negative energy we give off when we are intensely grieving.

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Eagle-96   

I'm so very happy for you Azipod. Those tactile dreams feel so real. It's as if they never left. I had that kind of dream about Lori last month. I could feel her when we hugged and kissed. It was very similar to yours in that we both knew she was gone but we went about our daily tasks. We were living our life again just as we always had. At the end of the dream I knew I had to go to work. I asked her if she could stay and if she would be there when I got home. She got up, stuck her tongue out at me and walked out of the room. 

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KayC   

Azipod,

I'm glad you have some comfort from the dream, it sounds very real and significant.  

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Today is 9 weeks. I feel like everyone is over it and wants me to be as well. No one wants to hear me talk about it anymore. Not that I'm around people very much at all. But even the few people I talk to every few days just want to change the subject. She's still all I want to talk about. She's still all I think about. I went to the Barnes and Noble the other day and just sat and read books on grieving for almost three hours. Bawling your eyes out in the middle of a store is a great way to be left alone by employees. Even the books say that certain "symptoms" shouldn't last longer than 4-6 weeks. Like "feeling an intense longing for the departed." Seems ridiculous.

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

. Even the books say that certain "symptoms" shouldn't last longer than 4-6 weeks

Please do not compare your grieving to what the books say. Books are good with giving info on coping skills,etc., but we are individuals and our grieving is unique to each of us. Books and online articles have their place, but we each need to find what works for us.

It isn't easy coping with with others who think we should be "over it". There is no such thing. We just learn to adapt and carry our grieving with us. I am sorry you are finding that out. I was shocked and angry when a few people were telling me to move on, 4 weeks in. Depending on the level of relationship I had with them, I either avoided them or told them exactly how I felt about their insensitivity.

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KayC   
14 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Even the books say that certain "symptoms" shouldn't last longer than 4-6 weeks. Like "feeling an intense longing for the departed." Seems ridiculous.

Not all the books say that.  Seems ridiculous because it IS ridiculous!  Good Lord, they think it should last 4-6 weeks?!  Crazy wrong!

Read some better books on grief, those ones don't sound like they know what they're talking about.  

I fell 2 1/2 months ago and I still feel pain with a light touch, my bones are bruised, they say it can take up to 16 months to heal.  To think of healing my heart from the greatest soulmate that ever was, in less time than a bruised bone, well that is ridiculous!

I have been under the tutelage of Marty Tousley, a professional grief counselor and webmaster of griefhealing.com for 12 years, taking in her wise words on grief.  She says grief is forever (not a mere matter of weeks).  It does not stay the same, it evolves, we get better at coping with it and we adjust little by little.  It takes much time to even process such a profound grief as this, it took me about three years to!  This is more mind-boggling than anything we can imagine!  It takes what it takes.  

I would not want anyone to get the impression that they are abnormal if they take longer than some think they ought to.  I feel angry when I hear stuff like that!  No one should put on us a time limit or expectation, they have no clue the connection we had, no clue how devastating this has been!  It takes much strength and perseverance to make it through this journey, not for the faint hearted.  And by the way, in the beginning, it IS enough just to get out of bed in the morning.  It is good to remember to breathe, to remember to feed ourselves, drink some water, take a walk...and make our house payment.  The basics are enough in the early days, we can't handle much more than that.

There are those that have complicated grief that makes it harder for them to function.  If that's the case, do please get help from a professional grief counselor...not all counselors are the same, not all are trained in grief.

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Thank you guys.

No one has come out and told me I need to get over it yet. It's more that when I bring my wife up I can see their eyes glaze over. Like "ok dude you miss your wife. We get it." But it's all I think about so it's all I want to talk about.

One of the worst parts is that it always seemed like people noticed our marriage was special. The fact that we had been together since we were 17 and decided not to have kids was pretty well known. We took tons of trips and had these aweso,e adventures together. We went on dates all the time and my wife loved to take/post pictures. When she first passed away I got a bunch of FB messages that people would miss seeing our romantic adventures. But now 9 weeks later people want me to be over it. Or least not talk about it anymore. I'm so incredibly lonely.

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KayC   
19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I'm so incredibly lonely.

:(  We know all too well...

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Azipod   

I agree.  We all feel the same.

For over a week now, I've been, surprisingly, doing pretty well.  I no longer have uncontrollable emotional breakdowns.  I no longer feel that life is over.  I no longer feel that I am incapable of carrying on without my wife.

I am however, terribly sad. I miss her so much, so much that I'm having a stream of tears running down my face as I'm writing this.  It's is very lonely.... it's a very empty feeling.

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KMB   

This journey we are on is indeed very sad, lonely and empty. All those feelings are internal. No one and nothing, can fix those feelings. We adjust to functioning as well as we can. We can be with other people and do things that are seemingly normal. But, underneath it all, we are still sad, lonely and empty.

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10 weeks today. I feel true despair and hopelessness. I'm sleeping less and less. Why can some people get better and others get worse?

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KayC   

Oh Djh,

Ten weeks seems a lifetime to you but it's really a drop in the bucket, it's such a long journey with so many ups and downs, so much to learn and go through.  Of course you feel despair and hopelessness, you are in the early days/months, it is so much to adjust to, you're even now just beginning to take it in, still in the "processing" your grief, it's hard!  And when it does start to get the least bit better, it's such slow progress as to seem imperceptible to you as you're in it.  It FEELS worse often even as you are making progress in your journey, that may not make sense to you now.  I promise you that it won't always feel as intense as it does today.  You will learn how to deal with this new life, I can't say when, just hang in there, it's a long ride.  I didn't think I could live through this but I have.  We were SO CLOSE, loved each other more than anything in the world, ours was a true love story, I didn't see how I could ever live without him.  But I've learned to carry him differently, inside of me instead of beside me, softly and quietly instead of the big presence he was...

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I think part of what hurts the most is knowing that no one will ever really know me again. We started dating when I was 17 years old. Now I'm 32. Kayla watched me grow from a boy into the man I am today. She met my grandfather in the last couple years of his life so she knew how important he was to me. No one will ever truly understand how I became who I am because they will never be along for that journey like she was. And likewise, I'll never know another person like I did her. It such a lonely feeling to realize that.

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KMB   

Djh,  My heart goes out to you. My husband knew me better than I knew myself. I also knew him better. I was the only one that he confided in. He appreciated me in that I "got him".  You are right. A hard part of this grieving is the constant hurt that we won't have that same type of relationship in this life time. It was one of a kind.I don't have anything against the ones who find another relationship. But, I know it is not for me. I would not be able to give 100% of myself to another.

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KayC   
15 hours ago, KMB said:

A hard part of this grieving is the constant hurt that we won't have that same type of relationship in this life time. It was one of a kind.

Yes, very hard.  No one else will ever know me when I was young, sexy, attractive.  No one else will see me at work in my job setting.  Now I'm retired and I've aged greatly since he died.  No one else will see me raising kids.  The list goes on and on.

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35 minutes ago, KayC said:

Yes, very hard.  No one else will ever know me when I was young, sexy, attractive.  No one else will see me at work in my job setting.  Now I'm retired and I've aged greatly since he died.  No one else will see me raising kids.  The list goes on and on.

Like you guys said, nothing against people that do find another relationship but it seems so impossible to me. I can't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else. It would be like trying to read by candlelight after having electric lights.

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