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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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30 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I feel the same way at times. When I think I may have forgotten something it always comes back to my mind.

Today is so difficult. We should be together with her kids and my son at her parents’ home for celebration. I am not welcome there so I’ll see her kids after Christmas. This all just hurts so much. 

Today, Christmas eve has been tough.   The whole thing is just so sad.   I just keeping saying FML.

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3 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Today, Christmas eve has been tough.   The whole thing is just so sad.   I just keeping saying FML.

Totally agree.

Paluka  and Azipod,   Hugs and prayers to you both.  These 2 days will pass and we will survive them. It is all we can do.

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On 12/24/2017 at 11:21 AM, Djh0901kc said:

As someone who has been doing this for so long does that happen? Do you forget things?

No, I haven't forgotten anything about him, our time together, it's all indelibly etched into my brain.  But in the early days I had grief fog so no telling what I knew or didn't know then.

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On 12/25/2017 at 6:38 AM, Azipod said:

Today, Christmas eve has been tough.   The whole thing is just so sad.   I just keeping saying FML.

Hugs for you, from me and My Goli.

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Tomorrow I enter a new part of this grief journey -- it has been a month and I'll be spending the night at his twin sister's house before moving on to his parents' house. We haven't seen each other in a bit-- I last saw his sister at her wedding in September, and his parents stayed with us for a weekend, just two weeks before he passed. I feel the emotions welling up as I haven't yet had the opportunity to grieve with people who knew him the way I did. We knew nobody as we'd just moved across the country to our new home, and our respective friends were work related and not yet at all integrated. I am already anxious about going to sleep tonight because it means I have to face the other people who loved him most, and they'll have to see me -- the last person (besides the medics) to ever see him alive.

I didn't really understand that grief comes in waves things until tonight. My emotions are out of whack. The service is this weekend, and I have something prepared to say, but now I'm anxious that I won't be able to -- I feel like he gave me the strength to write it. I think I channeled him to write what he would have wanted me to write and say, and to try and bring joy to others in a moment of such intense grief.

Again, I feel like my life is over. I've lost the will to go on without him...I was getting better, and it just got worse.

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lovingstill,

Ask him to give you strength to say the words he helped you write, he'll come to you and strengthen you, I've felt that happen countless times since George died.

I hope your visit with his sister and with his parents goes well for you and brings you some comfort in knowing you all love and miss the same person.

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14 hours ago, lovingstill said:

I didn't really understand that grief comes in waves things until tonight. My emotions are out of whack.

Again, I feel like my life is over. I've lost the will to go on without him...I was getting better, and it just got worse.

The waves and come and go.  Each wave is different from the prior.   Things will get worse before it gets better.  I didn't really know what this meant until I experienced it myself.  You feel worse because grief is cyclical -- it comes in waves as you said.  So the fact that you are sometimes feeling the waves, and sometimes bigger waves, is the evidence that you are progressing along the grief journey.  You are not stuck.  Yes.  It does get painful, but there's no way out of it.   There will be very rough days, and that's just how it's going to be.  One of the things that can be helpful is know that you would be able to deal with it... because you have already been dealing with it.  So no matter what kind of waves come, you know you've went through it before and you would just have to ride it out.

The other day, I read a response from another grief blog. The person said something about how grief will come and revisit us during certain times of our life.  The grief revisits us so that we can face it again.  We don't face the grief as the person we did when our partners died.  We don't face the grief as the person we are today.  We face the grief as the person we've developed ourselves to be over time (may that be months of years).   So going through grief isn't goign to be a one time event.  It will be a lifetime challenge.  The grief monster will visit us throughout our lifetime and we would have to face it again.   We will be tested, over and over again.  Think of it as having to re-take your SATs every few years (or months!) for the rest of your life.

That's just what grief is... and nothing is going to change that.

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One of the reasons we mention the waves is so you don't get caught off guard and think it will always feel as it does at that moment.  I've learned to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and get through it, not fight it, nor be frightened by it, it won't stay in this level of intensity forever.  Little by little you will begin to adjust to your altered life, I know it seems hard to believe, but our bodies are pretty amazing and resilient.  I never would have believed it if anyone would have told me, when I was new in my grief I wanted to died, I didn't think I could handle it, but here I am 12 years later.  One day at a time...none of us may feel we can do the "whole rest of our lives" but we can do this day.  Then we get up and do it all over again.  Hang in there!

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21 minutes ago, KayC said:

One of the reasons we mention the waves is so you don't get caught off guard and think it will always feel as it does at that moment.  I've learned to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and get through it, not fight it, nor be frightened by it, it won't stay in this level of intensity forever.  Little by little you will begin to adjust to your altered life, I know it seems hard to believe, but our bodies are pretty amazing and resilient.  

KayC is absolutely correct about this.  The waves will come, but they will always go too.   I still get hit with waves a number of times each week, but I've always been able to manage it.  They are painful.  But the duration of the waves are much shorter than what I've expreienced in the past.   As we evolve through our grief, sometimes it's not so much of the waves that bother us anymore. For me, I'm currently working on changing my mindset ---  my mindset that my life is worthless and that it's not worth continuing if I have to do this without my wife.   While I know that with time, i can be happy again.... but the challenge is that I don't really want to be happy, at least not without my wife.   And that's what I'm working on.   It's really not so much of the waves of grief --- it's still there.  It's readily appearant.  But it's not my primary challenge --- at least not this week!

Dont worry about the waves too much.   It will change with time.  You focus and healing may shift to other aspects down the road.

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19 hours ago, Azipod said:

While I know that with time, i can be happy again.... but the challenge is that I don't really want to be happy, at least not without my wife. 

It's amazing how much we have to process, and this is another of those things we need to fully process...the realization that it's not only okay to be happy without them but to be coveted.  Somehow we feel in our minds that if we're happy, it means we aren't doing justice by them.  But there comes a time to realize that it is not our grief that holds us to them, but our love, and our love continues whether we are happy or sad.  We are going to have times of being extremely sad, but we'll also have happy moments, it's good to learn to embrace them.  It means we're proceeding as best as we can.  I know they wouldn't want us to be sad all the time, but I am just as certain they would understand our sadness.  Even though they didn't have to go through this themselves, they know us well and somehow I think they're going through this right by our side.

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I thought if I got through the holidays somehow life would magically get easier. Now they’re gone but nothing is better at all. I wish I could be like some of you that seem so positive and can find happiness in small things. I feel like I’m falling deeper into this hole. More tired. More sad. More lonely.

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34 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I thought if I got through the holidays somehow life would magically get easier. Now they’re gone but nothing is better at all. I wish I could be like some of you that seem so positive and can find happiness in small things. I feel like I’m falling deeper into this hole. More tired. More sad. More lonely.

I had expected the same as well.  With the holidays over and now into 2018, it just feels like crap to get into a new year without my wife.  Does life get easier?  Possibly.  But I don't think it gets better.... For me, life will never be better without my wife.  Better is all relative.

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Being positive and finding joy in the little things is not due to our personalities or something we're born with, it's a choice, a determination, it's something anyone can practice, you just decide to do so and then look over your day and try to find something good in it.  In time this practice comes easier, like anything, it takes discipline and effort.  Some days it's a struggle to find anything good, then we just have to look harder and embrace even smaller "good".  You can call it joy, happiness, good, whatever, basically it's just something good in our life, no matter how small...good is never too trivial to count.  It develops the art of appreciation and gratefulness and living in the present.  This is so important to grievers because it's easy to miss what good there is *wallowing in what "isn't" anymore.  It's harmful to compare our life with what we lost, it's obvious, we can't escape seeing it, but to dwell on or focus on our loss is self-destructive to our present state of mind and living situation.  Believe me when I say this is easier said than done.  That's why I call it "practice".  There's times we suck at it.  Keep trying anyway!  ;)


*and we've all "wallowed", that's what comes naturally!  Not that we can 100% escape it, there's days that are harder, like around the holidays, but it's up to us to pull ourselves out of it...no one else will or can do this for us!  (and I'm not speaking of any of you, I'm remembering my experience...)

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On 1/5/2018 at 11:15 AM, Azipod said:

I had expected the same as well.  With the holidays over and now into 2018, it just feels like crap to get into a new year without my wife.  Does life get easier?  Possibly.  But I don't think it gets better.... For me, life will never be better without my wife.  Better is all relative.

How do you go on, knowing that? 

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I don’t think any of us here would agree that life gets ‘better’.  The best I can say is that life has got a ‘little easier’ - only in the fact that over two years I have got used to living alone and I no longer expect to see my darling in any of the places I used to see him and I can go to the shop without feeling his absence.  I can socialise with friends and neighbours now’n again for ‘short periods’ ok,  but am still overcome with grief upon returning home.  

I do have less acute grief attacks and cry less often, but all other aspects of my life are still very, very much harder to cope with.   

What gets me out of bed in the morning ? The ongoing fight for justice for my darlings death, handing back shame to the sloppy professionals in the legal world who did not represent my darling or myself in the way they should have and supporting others who are new to widowhood. 

None of my old interests have returned.  It’s a sad old life I lead now but am fortunate to have the support of great friends, most who live out of the area, but who come and stay a couple of nights now’n again and ph often.

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I'd have to say it is better than it was at first, but like Azipod said, it's all relative.  Nothing could be as horrendous to me as those early days, the shock, the pain was so great I don't know how I lived through it quite honestly.  I think in feeling it's better it doesn't mean it's all well, it doesn't mean it's great, it will never be like it was, but it's more bearable and I'm more used to it.  I've learned tips to helps me do life.  It's been hard, not sure it gets any easier, it's a struggle, but I keep going.  Maybe we all view words differently.

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I have been thinking about starting to take antidepressants. I know a lot of people say not to while grieving so I was just curious if anyone had any opinions.

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It’s well worth discussing medication with your GP, Djh.  Consults with a GP are part of practising self care.  

Before our court case, my GP prescribed Propranolol which is supposed to help with anxiety,  but it didn’t work for me.  I’ve recently had a change of sleeping tablet, which thank god, is helping me get more sleep. 

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On 12/24/2017 at 10:25 AM, KayC said:

 

You're braver than me, I've avoid shopping malls like the plague.  I buy on line or send money.  I can't handle the large crowds, traffic, hype, George would have hated it.  I guess he rubbed off on me!

I was prescribed Citalopram soon after his death. I was in the deepest stages of grief. What I found was that when it "wore off," I just burst into a ball of tears all over again. I'm all for mental health support and help, but I also wanted to...as crazy as it sounds...feel what I was feeling all the time, if I had to feel it at all. I didn't give it much time at all, to be honest with you -- maybe two weeks. I stopped soon after.

I don't like crowds or traffic or hype. I never have. And I still don't really go out, but I'm more functional now, with the help of meditation and some self-help books. I will never be cured. When you lose the love of your life, I don't think anything can really help you besides them coming back... :(

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1 minute ago, lovingstill said:

I was prescribed Citalopram soon after his death. I was in the deepest stages of grief. What I found was that when it "wore off," I just burst into a ball of tears all over again. I'm all for mental health support and help, but I also wanted to...as crazy as it sounds...feel what I was feeling all the time, if I had to feel it at all. I didn't give it much time at all, to be honest with you -- maybe two weeks. I stopped soon after.

I don't like crowds or traffic or hype. I never have. And I still don't really go out, but I'm more functional now, with the help of meditation and some self-help books. I will never be cured. When you lose the love of your life, I don't think anything can really help you besides them coming back... :(

I don’t think I will ever be cured as well.  It’s Friday night and I hopped into bed at 7:30pm.  What’s the point for me to stay up? There’s nothing to live for.

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1 minute ago, Azipod said:

I don’t think I will ever be cured as well.  It’s Friday night and I hopped into bed at 7:30pm.  What’s the point for me to stay up? There’s nothing to live for.

Just noticed the quote in your signature and wanted to tell you it resonated with me. I cling on to the possibility that he exists elsewhere and that we'll be reunited. Am I crazy? I talk to him every day, I ask him for guidance, I tell him I love him. He's dead. I know he's dead, but I also think he's with me. In the very, very beginning, I couldn't sleep. Then all I could do was sleep because when I was asleep was the only time I didn't know that he was gone.

I meditate now -- and I need to share -- I'm hyperactive, diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, very functional as both child and adult but went to be a non-ADHD control for a clinical trial and didn't qualify because of the ADHD I didn't even know I had. I try to meditate and find guided meditations to "meet spirit loved ones." I've done everything to try to be connected. In short, I can't even meditate because I'm too hyperactive...but I'm trying because I'm dying to have at least one other moment with him. :(

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Lovingstill, you’re not crazy at all for thinking your partner exists elsewhere and is giving you guidance. Hold tight to those beliefs.  I’m sorry  you have ADHD.  That would make meditation difficult, but I’m glad you can sleep OK.  Perhaps look for shorter meditation videos. 

I nearly always nod off whilst listening to hypno and meditation videos,  but the silence when they finish wakes me up. Today a friend suggested I look for a setting so it keeps replaying.  Don’t know why I hadn’t thought of doing that! 

We so need our minds to have frequent breaks from continue stress and ruminating.  

Azipod, no we will never be cured from our loss, we will carry our hurt and our love for our partners forever in our hearts, but hopefully one day find some pleasure in life again. 

Although I have a purpose in the wake of my darlings death and this purpose gets me out of bed each morning, the enthusiasm of a new day, died with him.  Grief is very demanding.  Everything I do takes great effort and energy and I don’t imagine it being any different for any other member of our wee grief family, here on the forum. 

But, there does come a time when we need to make an effort to take notice of our lives, our surroundings and acknowledge anything that may even slightly lighten our day - our empty, day to day existence.  I’ve seen a couple of glorious sunrises lately and remembered with love times when my darling would wake me if he saw good colour in the dawn sky, so I could go to one of my pre-planned possies to photograph it.  More often than not he’d have coffee in my thermos ready to grab on my way out the door.  When we renovated we had a window placed to best see the dawn sky from our bed.  Maybe one day I will chase the light again, or perhaps the interest will never return. Either way, I am again marvelling at the beauty of the sky.

 Hang in there guys.  Life gets a little easier to bear so very gradually that we don’t recognise it’s happening.  

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

I don’t think I will ever be cured as well.  It’s Friday night and I hopped into bed at 7:30pm.  What’s the point for me to stay up? There’s nothing to live for.

I was on bed since 6pm on Friday evening and had little drink. I was thinking to start drinks but I was stopping myself, I don't like drinks not its taste but  don't know why i drank last night, I just wanted to take revenge but no idea from whom. Sometime i just wants to spoil my self, my life , everything around me. 

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20 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I have been thinking about starting to take antidepressants. I know a lot of people say not to while grieving so I was just curious if anyone had any opinions.

I regret not taking my doctor up on his offer of sleep medication because I got very little sleep, it was hard to function because of it.  I didn't want to take something temporary for a permanent problem, but what I didn't realize was that in the early months especially we might need extra help getting through it and give ourselves time to adjust to our new life.

I'm on anti-anxiety medicine for my GAD, which grief worsened, but it's the lowest dose and I probably could stand something stronger.

As for anti-depressants, the counselor who is my mentor says grief isn't the same as being clinically depressed and it's like masking the real problem, that we need to deal with the grief.  True enough, but as claribassist13 pointed out once, sometimes our brain can be altered with grief so that we might benefit from antidepressants.  These articles shed a little light on the subject:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/06/using-medication-to-manage-grief.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/interview-are-we-medicating-normal.html

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/03/bereavement-and-snorting-seaweed.html

 

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8 hours ago, M88 said:

But, there does come a time when we need to make an effort to take notice of our lives, our surroundings and acknowledge anything that may even slightly lighten our day - our empty, day to day existence.  I’ve seen a couple of glorious sunrises lately and remembered with love times when my darling would wake me if he saw good colour in the dawn sky, so I could go to one of my pre-planned possies to photograph it.  More often than not he’d have coffee in my thermos ready to grab on my way out the door.  When we renovated we had a window placed to best see the dawn sky from our bed.  Maybe one day I will chase the light again, or perhaps the interest will never return. Either way, I am again marvelling at the beauty of the sky.

 Hang in there guys.  Life gets a little easier to bear so very gradually that we don’t recognise it’s happening.  

I couldn't say Amen to this enough!

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