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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I use to sleep at 11 pm each night.   Lately, I've been starting to hop into bed at around 9:30 - 10:00 pm.... and it's getting a bit earlier each week.   This week, I'm feeling the itch to move my bed time up to 9:00 am.   I just don't have any reason to stay up longer.   Going to bed/sleep (which surprisingly I can do without any problems), takes me away from my daily misery.

I know exactly what you mean.  Early nights are the norm now.  I'm usually in bed by around 8, watch something stupid on the tablet for 45 minutes or so and then go straight to sleep.  I don't feel the pain when I'm asleep so I try and do it much as possible.   It's quite strange how sleep is coming easier to me now than it ever has before - as long as I make sure I put pillows all down the length of Clive's side of the bed so it feels as I he's still there.

I remember being a kid and hating early bedtimes. Now I'd sleep 24/7 if I could.

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7 hours ago, Azipod said:

Going to bed/sleep (which surprisingly I can do without any problems), takes me away from my daily misery.

This is totally me, I can sleep without any problem , its my way to away from this sadness, loneliness. Before this we used to sleep around 9:30 pm to 10 pm but now I go to bed around 7pm and try to sleep. I just wants to avoid thoughts, loneliness because it kills me inside.

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19 hours ago, Azipod said:

It would be great if I can take up some of that time by working.

And yet...if we try to keep so busy that we avoid our grief...well that doesn't work either.  It's stored up and there's no escaping it, it will find us, it will seep in to those still moments at a red light, or our commute home from work, it will hit us during the night, it will still be reckoned with, it's still there for us to contend with.  I met someone who avoided grieving the death of his fiance, and 17 years later, he was married with kids, and guess what?  His grief hit him like a bolt of lightening.  It doesn't disappear because we don't make time for it, it stores up with a vengeance.  No avoiding it.  But we feel better when we're keeping busy, when our minds aren't on it, so that's what we have a tendency to do.  We want to feel better.  We don't want to do what we have to do to make our way through this, it's painful.  But damned if it doesn't find us anyway!

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19 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

This is totally me, I can sleep without any problem , its my way to away from this sadness, loneliness. Before this we used to sleep around 9:30 pm to 10 pm but now I go to bed around 7pm and try to sleep. I just wants to avoid thoughts, loneliness because it kills me inside.

Going to bed at 7pm is quite early!   Are you an early riser?

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

And yet...if we try to keep so busy that we avoid our grief...well that doesn't work either.  It's stored up and there's no escaping it, it will find us, it will seep in to those still moments at a red light, or our commute home from work, it will hit us during the night, it will still be reckoned with, it's still there for us to contend with.  I met someone who avoided grieving the death of his fiance, and 17 years later, he was married with kids, and guess what?  His grief hit him like a bolt of lightening.  It doesn't disappear because we don't make time for it, it stores up with a vengeance.  No avoiding it.  But we feel better when we're keeping busy, when our minds aren't on it, so that's what we have a tendency to do.  We want to feel better.  We don't want to do what we have to do to make our way through this, it's painful.  But damned if it doesn't find us anyway!

I totally agree with you avoiding our grief is not a solution I did and felt quite painful when i realized what I did. Please ensure to take out some time for your grief too and let it get processed.

Good you all are able to sleep at 7,8, or 9. I tried but still can't sleep more than 5 yours so decided to sleep around 2:30-3 at night as I wake up around 7:30. Earlier when she was here I could sleep 12 hours straight provided I can touch her. Damn this widowhood.

 

 

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On 12/10/2017 at 2:53 PM, Skywise said:

I know exactly what you mean.  Early nights are the norm now.  I'm usually in bed by around 8, watch something stupid on the tablet for 45 minutes or so and then go straight to sleep.  I don't feel the pain when I'm asleep so I try and do it much as possible.   It's quite strange how sleep is coming easier to me now than it ever has before - as long as I make sure I put pillows all down the length of Clive's side of the bed so it feels as I he's still there.

I remember being a kid and hating early bedtimes. Now I'd sleep 24/7 if I could.

THIS is me. But then I wake up and remember he's gone and that's very painful.

Just wondering what those of you that took an extended bereavement leave from work did to feel like you were ready to go back. It'll be four weeks this Friday and I can't think about going back, now, or ever. It would mean returning to the place where he passed and reliving past trauma.

Also, I've spoken to a few mediums and they have been helpful. I believe in the afterlife, but I also believe in God -- not strictly religious (raised Catholic), more spiritual since his passing now. He was really special and the message they all gave me was to stop worrying about him and start worrying about me because I'm the one who's in pain right now. 

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4 hours ago, lovingstill said:

THIS is me. But then I wake up and remember he's gone and that's very painful.

Just wondering what those of you that took an extended bereavement leave from work did to feel like you were ready to go back. It'll be four weeks this Friday and I can't think about going back, now, or ever. It would mean returning to the place where he passed and reliving past trauma.

Also, I've spoken to a few mediums and they have been helpful. I believe in the afterlife, but I also believe in God -- not strictly religious (raised Catholic), more spiritual since his passing now. He was really special and the message they all gave me was to stop worrying about him and start worrying about me because I'm the one who's in pain right now. 

Going back to work is a big, but positive step for your recovery.  Having structure, responsibilities, and other things to temporarily allow your mind to shift to other thoughts will be helpful.  Whenever you feel ready, I would suggest that you take the step to do it.  It will be painful.  It will somewhat odd to face other co-workers, because most of them will say something stupid or otherwise unhelpful.   But going back to work will help you take one of thousands of steps to try to go back to one aspect of your life.

When we experience a profound loss such as losing a partner, there are "portals" from the other side that opens up.  The veil between our world is thin at times, and certainly when we suffer a loss of someone important.   Unfortunately, not all can recognize these portals.   I was never spiritual or believed in the afterlife in the past.  However, since my wife's passing, I've had a number of unusual experiences which confirms for me of her existence, and that she is still around to comfort me.   It helps me cope, but it is far from a solution to this life crisis.

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20 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Going back to work is a big, but positive step for your recovery.  Having structure, responsibilities, and other things to temporarily allow your mind to shift to other thoughts will be helpful.  Whenever you feel ready, I would suggest that you take the step to do it.  It will be painful.  It will somewhat odd to face other co-workers, because most of them will say something stupid or otherwise unhelpful.   But going back to work will help you take one of thousands of steps to try to go back to one aspect of your life.

When we experience a profound loss such as losing a partner, there are "portals" from the other side that opens up.  The veil between our world is thin at times, and certainly when we suffer a loss of someone important.   Unfortunately, not all can recognize these portals.   I was never spiritual or believed in the afterlife in the past.  However, since my wife's passing, I've had a number of unusual experiences which confirms for me of her existence, and that she is still around to comfort me.   It helps me cope, but it is far from a solution to this life crisis.

Understood, but I have no family or friends out there. We’d just moved, this summer,  across the country for his job, so I left my job, in part, because I needed to be with “my people.” Any suggestions? 

I believe in the afterlife and have read a couple of books that have helped me realize he’s around. I’ve also been participating in Craig Hogan’s communication research to try and connect, which has helped. 

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7 hours ago, Azipod said:

Going to bed at 7pm is quite early!   Are you an early riser?

Yes its too early but this is the only way to avoid thoughts.  I woke up at 5:30 am for office , my shift starts at 7 am.

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I think the only way through is to not avoid those thoughts.  I know that they hurt, a lot.  Mine do too.  If you avoid it's eventually going to get a lot worse. :(

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Avoidance is not a solution, it will catch up with us.  I have heard of a technique about meting out our grief.  That is, allowing ourselves to ponder them and cry at a certain time of day, say 7:30 to 8:00 pm.  I never had to do this, my grief hit me pretty much all the time.  I had to try to shelve it as much as I could while at work, but even so, it hit me and I'd have to go to the bathroom and cry.  Fortunately, my boss was understanding.  But for the most part, I pushed through and tried to do my job.  When I was home, I was frantic, I needed to talk to someone, I needed someone to listen, but no one was there, my friends all disappeared on me early on, so did his.  My sisters would listen but they had their husbands and their lives, I knew I couldn't overly impose on them.  It's very hard.

My problem wasn't going to sleep too early or sleeping too much, I had the opposite problem, I couldn't sleep.  It wasn't unheard of for me to get one, two hours sleep a night.  If anyone is going through that, I would recommend seeing your doctor and getting sleeping pills.  It's very hard to go to work and do an effective job when you haven't had enough sleep!  I tried toughing it out too much, I should have gotten help and I can see that looking back.

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I don't know how to describe this but I woke up today feeling good.  I have no sorrow, no overwhelming grief. No nothing really.  I still have, as Bob Dylan called it, that 'corkscrew to my heart' feeling, but thats become such an integral part of me now that I don't remember ever being without it and I think it'll be there for the rest of my life.

But the rest of me feels, I don't know, just good and peaceful.  And that's making me feel so guilty.  Am I already getting over Clive? How can that possibly be right?  Does it make me a sociopath - someone who's incapable of feeling normal emotions?  It's only been 45 days, I shouldn't be feeling like this should I?

In a twisted sort of way, feeling 'normal' is making me feel worse than when I'm helpless with grief.  I feel like such a bad and callous person.

 

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9 minutes ago, Skywise said:

I don't know how to describe this but I woke up today feeling good.  I have no sorrow, no overwhelming grief. No nothing really.  I still have, as Bob Dylan called it, that 'corkscrew to my heart' feeling, but thats become such an integral part of me now that I don't remember ever being without it and I think it'll be there for the rest of my life.

But the rest of me feels, I don't know, just good and peaceful.  And that's making me feel so guilty.  Am I already getting over Clive? How can that possibly be right?  Does it make me a sociopath - someone who's incapable of feeling normal emotions?  It's only been 45 days, I shouldn't be feeling like this should I?

In a twisted sort of way, feeling 'normal' is making me feel worse than when I'm helpless with grief.  I feel like such a bad and callous person.

 

I've had a few episodes of this.  The unrelenting grief sometimes will decide to give you a "breather" -- and usually it happens for reason at all.   It was a very welcoming feeling when it was the first time I had this.  I had been beaten and battered for what seems like eternity that it felt so nice to finally be able to walk without having to carry 50-lbs on grief on my shoulder.    

Grief though, comes and goes.  There is no pattern to it.  It will go up and down.  Don't worry about feeling guilty -- you should not.   The grief will return.  The positive side is that you're getting a break... and when the next wave of grief comes, you'll be ready because you've already been through the initial wave.

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Thanks Azipod. It's a relief to know that I haven't completely lost it!  I suppose I'll just have a glass of wine then and cuddle our cat and try to relax while I still feel like this - it sounds like the weight will be back soon enough.  Good night, Hun.  I hope you sleep well.  

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On ‎12‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 3:57 PM, KavitaHubby said:

I totally agree with you avoiding our grief is not a solution I did and felt quite painful when i realized what I did. Please ensure to take out some time for your grief too and let it get processed.

Good you all are able to sleep at 7,8, or 9. I tried but still can't sleep more than 5 yours so decided to sleep around 2:30-3 at night as I wake up around 7:30. Earlier when she was here I could sleep 12 hours straight provided I can touch her. Damn this widowhood.

 

 

Mirror image here KavitaHubby. This is me. I can feel exhausted and still lay in the bed awake. I used to feel happy and content when we were snuggled up together. Now, I can't get comfortable; not without Lauri and I snuggled up together.  

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2 hours ago, Skywise said:

I don't know how to describe this but I woke up today feeling good.  I have no sorrow, no overwhelming grief. No nothing really.  I still have, as Bob Dylan called it, that 'corkscrew to my heart' feeling, but thats become such an integral part of me now that I don't remember ever being without it and I think it'll be there for the rest of my life.

But the rest of me feels, I don't know, just good and peaceful.  And that's making me feel so guilty.  Am I already getting over Clive? How can that possibly be right?  Does it make me a sociopath - someone who's incapable of feeling normal emotions?  It's only been 45 days, I shouldn't be feeling like this should I?

In a twisted sort of way, feeling 'normal' is making me feel worse than when I'm helpless with grief.  I feel like such a bad and callous person.

 

Hi sky,

That feeling is very normal to us.your very lucky if it becomes permanent but I doubt it..been there, done that.your grief is giving you some time to take a break on this journey..this is the time that you can do something productive or fun. Or you can also start to do a possible long term project that you can anytime you feel like doing it. Cherish and remember this moment so everytime you feel very down, you can say to yourself that "its not always like this forever"...

I'm aproaching the 4th month.I'm still lonely and no direction and still cry almost everyday..but I'm starting to be functional. There are also time that I find myself smiling to some conversations and then suddenly feel bad and guilty..

It's a long and very different journey that we are traveling right now..sending you lots of strength..

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On 07/12/2017 at 1:55 AM, Djh0901kc said:

I can’t stop thinking about Sally and how jealous I am of her that she’s free

I know exactly how you feel mate..mine is approaching the 4th month..we never stop thinking about the love of our life.never..

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4 hours ago, Freewill said:

I know exactly how you feel mate..mine is approaching the 4th month..we never stop thinking about the love of our life.never..

You are correct.  As much healing, comfort, or otherwise recovery we gain, we will still miss them like crazy. There will forever be emptiness and a void inside our hearts.   I always thought the initial months would be the brunt of the pain.  Now I realize that it actually gets more difficult (albeit different) as time goes on.   I'm literally dying slowly as the initial shock/denial wears off.

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15 hours ago, Skywise said:

I don't know how to describe this but I woke up today feeling good.  I have no sorrow, no overwhelming grief. No nothing really.  I still have, as Bob Dylan called it, that 'corkscrew to my heart' feeling, but thats become such an integral part of me now that I don't remember ever being without it and I think it'll be there for the rest of my life.

But the rest of me feels, I don't know, just good and peaceful.  And that's making me feel so guilty.  Am I already getting over Clive? How can that possibly be right?  Does it make me a sociopath - someone who's incapable of feeling normal emotions?  It's only been 45 days, I shouldn't be feeling like this should I?

In a twisted sort of way, feeling 'normal' is making me feel worse than when I'm helpless with grief.  I feel like such a bad and callous person.

 

No, you're not "over him", not by any means.  Once in a while our body gives us a break.  No need to feel guilty, we NEED a respite, no matter how short lived!  I learned to accept it, embrace it for however long it lasts before the next wave knocks you down again.

You are not callous or bad.  Apparently your body felt you needed a break.

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I can’t believe it’s Christmas. The 17th was six months since Kayla died and it still doesn’t feel quite real. Despite my utter terror of what it would do to me, I’ve gone to shopping malls a couple times in the last week. I thought if I could throw myself into the deep end as it were maybe it would help. All the people, the music, the Christmas energy. I’ve never felt so much like an alien. All these people going about their lives and looking forward to something I’ll never enjoy again. I hope everyone has the best holiday possible.

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Djh,

You're braver than me, I've avoid shopping malls like the plague.  I buy on line or send money.  I can't handle the large crowds, traffic, hype, George would have hated it.  I guess he rubbed off on me!

I wish everyone the best possible day tomorrow.  If you're traveling, drive safe and careful!

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We liked the hustle and bustle. I miss her so much. Lately I’ve been consumed with the fear that I’ll start forgetting things. Our little inside jokes or songs or just anything. I’ve been keeping a file open on my phone and writing down everything that comes into my mind. As someone who has been doing this for so long does that happen? Do you forget things?

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I don’t want to let any part of her go. If there’s something only she and I knew and I forget it then it’s gone forever and so is another part of her. I think I might be losing my mind but I’m so afraid to forget anything.

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Djh,  You are not losing your mind. There are times I think I am too. This world is getting crazier all the time with the hate, political nonsense and crime. If us grievers were totally losing it, we would be in jail for contributing to those other crimes. Instead, we are stuck inside our own sadness and agony. Our own little bubble existence of pain that we keep to ourselves.

I don't feel we are going to forget the good memories. They are tucked away in our brains and hearts forever. Our grieving is just temporarily blocking some of those memories.  Writing things down does help. I keep a note book for memories, even the tiniest moment that flickers in my mind.

Take care and I hope Kayla sends you a special feeling of love,warmth and comfort, tonight and tomorrow.

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5 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don’t want to let any part of her go. If there’s something only she and I knew and I forget it then it’s gone forever and so is another part of her. I think I might be losing my mind but I’m so afraid to forget anything.

I feel the same way at times. When I think I may have forgotten something it always comes back to my mind.

Today is so difficult. We should be together with her kids and my son at her parents’ home for celebration. I am not welcome there so I’ll see her kids after Christmas. This all just hurts so much. 

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