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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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Azipod   
On 8/4/2017 at 0:04 PM, Djh0901kc said:

Today is 7 weeks since my wife passed. She actually died slightly after midnight so it's technically tomorrow but since Friday was our last day together so I consider it today. I notice I keep posting on the anniversary of it. That's not deliberate. I guess it's just when I'm feeling lowest. Today was rough. My wife always cut my hair so I had been trying to go as long as possible before I had to get a haircut but I finally had to get it done. It's been hot where I am and today was a cool day in the 50s. Very autumn type day. Such a silly thing but as soon as I went outside and felt the air I broke down in tears. Autumn was our favorite season. We loved to go to orchards and pumpkin patches and harvest festivals when fall rolled around. We both are Halloween nuts and started decorating as soon as October hit. We watched a scary movie every night of the month and took turns picking them out. I realized today how much worse things are still going to get. I'm so lost. 

I know what you mean.  It's about 5 weeks for me and I'm sinking deeper by the day.  I expected this, but realistically I know it's going to get worst.  I'm experiencing a bunch of mini crying episodes.  I don't really know what phase of grief I am in.  I'm still somewhat shocked, but in some ways have accepted reality, yet I am a bit angry too.  I guess you can say I'm lost too.

someone mentioned cruel and unusual earlier on his thread.  I agree.  

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Azipod   
11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Our anniversary is also coming up on the first of September. I'm dreading it

Same here.  I know our anniversary means a lot to my wife.  I thought about picking up lunch for us and having it at the grave site.  It feels right to me.   Do you guys think this will be OK?

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Ka9219   

If it feels good for you I think is perfect, if you ask me I think is romantic.

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KayC   
On 8/4/2017 at 0:04 PM, Djh0901kc said:

I realized today how much worse things are still going to get. I'm so lost. 

I don't know that things can get "worse" than the moment we find out they died.  How much worse can it get than that?  But it's a process, this is a long journey that's just begun.  You will get through this.  I remember doubting that in the beginning, I didn't think I could live without him, but I have, and if I can, I know it's possible for anyone.  We were soulmates, best friends, always together, so in love...when we met, we found our "other half", we got each other.  The only thing that's changed is his physical body is gone, we can't talk, hold each other...well actually I talk to him, all the time, I just can't get an audible answer.  But I do know what he would say if he could.  I continue on faith, I know we'll be together again, and I hold on for that day.  I know he'd be proud of me, it's been so hard, having to make decisions, etc. on my own, but he'd be proud, I've tried so hard.  Sometimes I feel so tired and I imagine him holding me, it brings me comfort to think about it.

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KMB   
12 hours ago, Azipod said:

 I know our anniversary means a lot to my wife.  I thought about picking up lunch for us and having it at the grave site.  It feels right to me.   Do you guys think this will be OK?

It is perfectly OK. Always do what you need to do for yourself and what feels right. Your wife will be there with you.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't know that things can get "worse" than the moment we find out they died.  How much worse can it get than that?  

As terrible as the initial few days were they were covered by shock and disbelief that this was real. Although I still feel disbelief I know now how truly alone I am and that I will never be with her again. And it is going to get worse and worse as the times come when we would do things we loved and I realize more and more what was stolen from me. I also logged into Facebook for the first time today and found that because I've retreated from life, several of my wife's family members have been posting terrible things on our pages. So that's not ideal. I don't understand why it's hard for others to understand that it's hard to be around people. Especially people that were never a part of our lives.

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't understand why it's hard for others to understand that it's hard to be around people. Especially people that were never a part of our lives.

Until they lose their significant other and experience the agony, they will never understand. If certain people were not a part of your lives, don't waste a second of worry about them. We are learning so many things connected with loss. Some bad, some good.

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Eagle-96   
19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I also logged into Facebook for the first time today and found that because I've retreated from life, several of my wife's family members have been posting terrible things on our pages. So that's not ideal. I don't understand why it's hard for others to understand that it's hard to be around people. Especially people that were never a part of our lives.

We are changed beings and people just don't get it. We are a bundle of emotions and they can change at a moments notice. We are all over the place. Crying one minute and smiling the next. As the saying goes about how our friends and family react to this, "The ones that mind don't matter. The ones that matter don't mind".

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KayC   

That moment I saw the doctors coming toward me, that was the worst moment of my life.  I remember thinking, so this is how it feels when a military wife sees two military men at her door.  They didn't need to say a word, I knew.  They said, "I'm sorry, we tried everything."  I know they did.  You are right that we go into shock, it protects us until we can handle it little by little as it seeps in, those dosages of reality crashing in on us are very hard.  I wouldn't say "worse" so much as it's different.  Maybe we all feel different, I still feel that initial moment was the worst...shock kicked in after that.  Voices got faint, I couldn't hear/comprehend.  

You don't need to give in to what others want, you need to do what feels best for YOU.  This is about YOU, not them.  To hell with what they want, it's YOU going through this!

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I've always heard the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what if your problems ARE permanent. My wife is never coming back. Our life is never coming back. Why wouldn't it be best to just end this nightmare now instead of having to live it for another 30-50 years. I can't do this. I don't want to be without her anymore. Even if this life is all there is, nothingness would be preferable to this

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Eagle-96   
10 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I've always heard the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what if your problems ARE permanent. My wife is never coming back. Our life is never coming back. Why wouldn't it be best to just end this nightmare now instead of having to live it for another 30-50 years. I can't do this. I don't want to be without her anymore. Even if this life is all there is, nothingness would be preferable to this

If you feel like the suicidal urges are getting to be too much please call 1-800-273-8255.

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Azipod   
1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

I've always heard the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what if your problems ARE permanent. My wife is never coming back. Our life is never coming back. Why wouldn't it be best to just end this nightmare now instead of having to live it for another 30-50 years. I can't do this. I don't want to be without her anymore. Even if this life is all there is, nothingness would be preferable to this

Committing suicide will not solve your problems.  You will create more grief for your family and friends you leave behind.  I also read that your soul will get trapped between earth and heaven.   It sounds bad to me.  I want to restore my life to the happiness that I once had when my wife was here.   However I do this and whether its even possible I don't know.   I am hoping that it's possible.   I want to be resilient.  But it does really suck to be here in my current state.     I have been looking into contacting a medium.  Perhaps if I can hear and talk to my wife, it would give me some level of closure.   I just want to hear that she's still here and that she is doing fine.

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I don't believe that my soul will be trapped between heaven and hell and I don't really have any family or friends left. I hope you are able to restore your happiness. I can't do that.

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KMB   
3 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I can't do that.

Please, call the suicide hotline, call anyone who will just listen. That is what we need the most, someone who listens and gives a darn.

Stay logged on here, post, someone is usually here at least reading and will respond to you. We are your grief family, we know your feelings, we have been there and still fall in that dark place from time to time.

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Azipod   
8 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I've always heard the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what if your problems ARE permanent. My wife is never coming back. Our life is never coming back. Why wouldn't it be best to just end this nightmare now instead of having to live it for another 30-50 years. I can't do this. I don't want to be without her anymore. Even if this life is all there is, nothingness would be preferable to this

I am here for you if you need to talk.  We both share a lot in common.  We're both in our 30s and we both lost our wife within 2 weeks of each other.  I also do not have children because we only wanted to share our love with each other.

I know I'm a stranger but you can lean on me if you want.  We are both in a similar situation.  You are welcome to email, text, or we can talk on the phone.  We can do it one time or we do it when u are down. Just let me know.  

We have to survive this.  Our significant other wouldn't want us to stay like this.

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Ka9219   
12 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I've always heard the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what if your problems ARE permanent. My wife is never coming back. Our life is never coming back. Why wouldn't it be best to just end this nightmare now instead of having to live it for another 30-50 years. I can't do this. I don't want to be without her anymore. Even if this life is all there is, nothingness would be preferable to this

I think since I was 15 years old I've found myself thinking about suicide, because I always felt to tired, I didn't fit it, with time I learn that I was a bit different, I didn't enjoy the same things that most of the kids of the same age enjoyed, and with time, those thoughts came only in really bad times, even before I met Mario I thought I wasn't deserved to be loved, I felt I wasn't worth it and those thoughts came back again as an old friend waiting for me. I can say the same day I met Mario those thoughts vanished, he did so much good on me, he gave me the will of live, I wanted to live every single of my days next to him.

Since Mario passed away, those thoughts hit me one more time, harder than any time before, and I am a scientific I know how to do it fast and painless, but I found myself thinking, yes I DO WANT TO DIE, everyday I hope this is my last day, but I don't want to commit suicide, yes, thoughts are there, but I don't want to, because I want to live in the same time Mario was on earth, I don't know if I am clear enough, because somehow I feel in charge to make Mario's memory last forever, because after his mum dies, I am going to be the only one to remember him everyday.

I don't believe our souls get "trapped", but what if reincarnation is real? And what if I screw up the possibility to meet again in another life because I didn't finish my "mission"? What is my mission is to achieve ours dreams, even if he is not physically here? what if my mission is to love him until my last breath?

I understand you, I do, I've so close to do it, but it doesn't feel right. I don't want to be without Mario anymore neither, I need him, I love him, he promised me he will be forever with me, and yes, death will be better than this, but I can not do this to him, because I promised him that I will love him forever, and I will...

If you need to talk let me know, I am here for you

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KayC   
17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I've always heard the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what if your problems ARE permanent. My wife is never coming back. Our life is never coming back. Why wouldn't it be best to just end this nightmare now instead of having to live it for another 30-50 years. I can't do this. I don't want to be without her anymore. Even if this life is all there is, nothingness would be preferable to this

That was how I saw it when he first died.  However, as I've learned in the time since, that even though he's not coming back here, I have learned to adjust and our love continues still and he is with me.  What if it isn't "nothingness" that comes next?  I wouldn't take that chance...

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KayC   
15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don't believe that my soul will be trapped between heaven and hell and I don't really have any family or friends left. I hope you are able to restore your happiness. I can't do that.

You sound pretty sure of yourself, what if you are wrong about your beliefs?  I wouldn't want to find out the hard way, just me!

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I had a dream about my wife last night but it was different than normal. In the dream she was wearing the yellow dress she wore the day she died and she knew that she was dead. We talked and ran errands and I begged her to stay but she said she had to go. When I woke up I looked at the clock and realized that it was within 20 minutes of being exactly 8 weeks since she passed according to the time of death the coroner gave. I don't know what to make of that. I'm a incredibly skeptical person as I'm sure most of you guys can tell. Before she died I would have written it off as total coincidence. Now I don't know. I still can't believe she's gone. There's a small part of me that can't help thinking that if I wish hard enough or do the right combination of things maybe somehow I can get her back. I know I can't but I also can't stamp out that tiny part. 

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KMB   
2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

There's a small part of me that can't help thinking that if I wish hard enough or do the right combination of things maybe somehow I can get her back.

We all want that. We think if we wish and pray with every fiber of our being, that wish will be granted. When your number gets picked, you have to go. The cycle of life and death is complex when it affects you directly.

Your dream sounds like a visitation dream. Consider it a blessing. Your wife is letting you know she is ok. :)

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2 minutes ago, KMB said:

We all want that. We think if we wish and pray with every fiber of our being, that wish will be granted. 

I am still wishing and praying every night that when I wake up this will turn out to be a bad dream. What happens is that I wake up in 2-3 hours and cry some more and do the same cycle until its morning and then its other bloody day with this harsh reality.  

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5 minutes ago, KMB said:

 

Your dream sounds like a visitation dream. Consider it a blessing. Your wife is letting you know she is ok. :)

I want that to be true so badly

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KMB   
2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I want that to be true so badly

Go with the first thought that came into your mind upon awakening from that dream. Trust. Trust is a word that came through in a dream I had of my husband. Trust and believe.

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Azipod   
10 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I had a dream about my wife last night but it was different than normal. In the dream she was wearing the yellow dress she wore the day she died and she knew that she was dead. We talked and ran errands and I begged her to stay but she said she had to go. When I woke up I looked at the clock and realized that it was within 20 minutes of being exactly 8 weeks since she passed according to the time of death the coroner gave. I don't know what to make of that. I'm a incredibly skeptical person as I'm sure most of you guys can tell. Before she died I would have written it off as total coincidence. Now I don't know. I still can't believe she's gone. There's a small part of me that can't help thinking that if I wish hard enough or do the right combination of things maybe somehow I can get her back. I know I can't but I also can't stamp out that tiny part. 

It sounds like a visitation dream to me.  Noticed how you said it was different from normal.  That itself is a sign.

Ive have had a few unusual experiences since my wife's transition.  I realize that a part of me will tell me that yes, it is unusual and is likely a sign. The other half of me wants answers and an explanation, and tells me that it can't be true because it's unexplainable.  I always tell myself that some things you just have to accept and accept that there's no explanation.  Just accept it for what you feel it is.

if your first thought was that the dream was different and not normal, then accept it as something that was outside of amregular dream. There's no need to seek an explanation just so U can prove that it's true.

i would give anything to get my first visitation dream!

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KayC   
23 hours ago, KMB said:

Your dream sounds like a visitation dream. Consider it a blessing. Your wife is letting you know she is ok. :)

That's what I think too.

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