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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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Paluka   
3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Paluka -- I just want to say that I've noticed that you've been really "processing" your grief and I just want to applaud you for that.  I've come across a few of your recent posts and I can surely tell that you are doing a lot of grief work by touching on various aspects of your new (and old) life.    I know things are still very difficult and I'm sure you are still in a fog most of the time.   Being a new member in this grief journey myself, and having to have just emerged from the first of many layers of grief, I can tell that you are going in the right direction.    Keep it up.

All I know is that I’m trying each day. I pray all the time and I try to be unselfish in my prayers. I talk to Lauri daily, especially in the morning before I get out of bed and at night before I try to get some sleep.  I’ve been waking up earlier than usual and take this time to talk to her. 

Im still hurting every day. It’s miserable but I’m trying to include Lauri as part of my daily life. 

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KayC   
17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Jesus she’s been gone 20 weeks today. How can that even be possible

I remember in the early part of my grief wondering how in the world the sun could keep on shining!  How could people keep doing the mundane things they do, don't they realize the world just ended!  It's a load we carry ourselves, no one else carries this load in quite the same way we do, even if they knew and loved our person.

I'm glad you have your grandma to understand.  My mom did too, she was widowed 32 years, but I lost her to dementia...then she didn't even remember George, and that broke my heart, and then she too was gone.

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44 minutes ago, KayC said:

I remember in the early part of my grief wondering how in the world the sun could keep on shining!  How could people keep doing the mundane things they do, don't they realize the world just ended!  It's a load we carry ourselves, no one else carries this load in quite the same way we do, even if they knew and loved our person.

I'm glad you have your grandma to understand.  My mom did too, she was widowed 32 years, but I lost her to dementia...then she didn't even remember George, and that broke my heart, and then she too was gone.

My grandma is 95. She and my grandpa basically raised me because my dad died a few months before I was born and my mom worked full time. My grandpa was my best friend and now my grandma means more to me than anything left in the world. Kayla loved her so much. They would cook and sew together. Kayla dying was very hard on my grandma. At the funeral she told Kayla it should have been her that died. It wasn’t right that the 34 year old died and not the 95 year old. I wish it had been me and not either of them. The world would be a better place with me gone and both of them still in it.

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KayC   

I think they'd both take exception to that, but I understand your feelings.

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Is it healthy to watch videos of my wife? On one hand seeing her and hearing her voice gives me an insane amount of joy. On the other hand, it also makes it harder for me to accept that the person I’m watching in the video is gone. I’m having a rough time today. 

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KMB   

Sorry you are having a rough time, Djh.  It is so hard to see beyond our loss. We just miss them SO much. If you want to watch videos of Kayla, go ahead and do what you need to do, for yourself. It is no one's business to determine if it is healthy or not. Videos, photos, memories, are both happy and sad.

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I know everyone is having a hard time. I’m getting better at hiding my sadness from people but I feel like inside I may actually be MORE depressed. I love seeing her so much. But like I said, it’s so hard to accept that she’s gone when I see her in the videos. Thanks for caring KMB. I hope you’re doing as well as possible.

 

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Freewill   

Sorry to join you guys..I also loss my wife, the love of my life, my life, my everything..:( its been about 10weeks.it really hurts every moment of being still alive.the pain is unbearable that I wish I could also die with it!!mine is quite similar to you djh.suddenly loss wife  at the age of 30's.still a long way to go to go.reading your posts help me survive a moment and gives me idea what to expect..i'm glad I found you guys because no one around me will understand I'm going through like you guys.

Lost, lonely, don't know what to do, everything seems so pointless, feeling crazy, scared, nothing make sense anymore except to breath and stay alive..so unfair we have to experience such F!!!!

Please continue posting...this is my only way of survival right now..

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KayC   
15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Is it healthy to watch videos of my wife? On one hand seeing her and hearing her voice gives me an insane amount of joy. On the other hand, it also makes it harder for me to accept that the person I’m watching in the video is gone. I’m having a rough time today. 

Maybe it's healthy if you can handle it...it allows you to feel your pain, all part of the processing in grief.  On the other hand, only you can decide if it's too painful at the moment.  Perhaps right now it's too hard, perhaps another time you can better handle it, only you can say.  I wish I had a video of my husband.  I think I have a small clip on VHS but I can't get my VCR to work.  I think it's like a double edge sword to watch though.

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KayC   
12 hours ago, Freewill said:

Sorry to join you guys..I also loss my wife, the love of my life, my life, my everything..:( its been about 10weeks.it really hurts every moment of being still alive.the pain is unbearable that I wish I could also die with it!!mine is quite similar to you djh.suddenly loss wife  at the age of 30's.still a long way to go to go.reading your posts help me survive a moment and gives me idea what to expect..i'm glad I found you guys because no one around me will understand I'm going through like you guys.

Lost, lonely, don't know what to do, everything seems so pointless, feeling crazy, scared, nothing make sense anymore except to breath and stay alive..so unfair we have to experience such F!!!!

Please continue posting...this is my only way of survival right now..

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry anyone finds themselves in these circumstances but more so if they're young, it's just not right, and nothing about this is fair.  I heard that in our sermon yesterday, life isn't fair, that's for sure!  Maybe we did a disservice to our kids to try to bend over backwards to be fair to them, maybe we didn't prepare them for the harsh reality...

When you feel like it, perhaps you can tell us a little about your wife.  We are the ones that remember, the ones that try to carry on in their absence, it's so hard, but we have a lot of company here with the ones that "get it".  

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KMB   

Freewill,

Surviving is exactly what we are doing. We do what we need to, to survive each day. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you are experiencing loss of your wife at such a young age. You are right, it is not fair.  10 weeks is a very short time. I was a basket case in those early weeks, months. I didn't bother with showering unless I absolutely had to go somewhere. I didn't do laundry until I was out of clean clothes. I didn't eat much. I did not care about anything. There was no joy in seeing a new day, I dreaded each day. The most basics of functioning held no meaning or purpose. Existing in this life makes no sense when you are permanently left behind and separated from your soul mate. It should not be that way. Finding the love of your life isn't easy and some people are not so lucky in that.When you find your soul mate, the rules should be a very long life together, until you both succumb to natural old age within a short time of each other. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up next to my husband in Heaven. ( I still wish for that every night). I have progressed since then, and you will to. We have no choice, but to keep going from one day to the next.

Just keep breathing and surviving. There are no time frames, no rules, no expectations, to do any more than that.

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Azipod   
On 10/27/2017 at 5:53 PM, Paluka said:

All I know is that I’m trying each day. I pray all the time and I try to be unselfish in my prayers. I talk to Lauri daily, especially in the morning before I get out of bed and at night before I try to get some sleep.  I’ve been waking up earlier than usual and take this time to talk to her. 

Im still hurting every day. It’s miserable but I’m trying to include Lauri as part of my daily life. 

I'm happy that you are remaining strong and doing what you can to comfort yourself.  During the initial weeks, I spent a lot of time talking to my wife as well -- I did this after lighting an incense and sat down in front of her portrait.  Took the advice from my mother-in-law to do it every time I am feeling down.  It actually did work for me but it was very very emotional.    In the more recent months, I've actually stopped doing this practice but these days I communicate to my wife more with the use of the telepathy-method instead.  I have become a lot more spiritual and have been able to reach out to my wife using my heart.   I still do talk to her sometimes but they are not formal sit-downs like how I had in the earlier weeks.

I know you are hurting every day and the pain feels unbearable.   It's the same for all of us so we know what you are going through.   The pain and intensity for me has lessened - I think I have made it through one of many layers of grief.  I've been calmed and composed.   No longer and I'm in the fog, feel lost, or feel purposeless though not all of those feelings have subsided.   I'm a few days shy of 4-months.

Keep your grief work going.  There is meaning when they say "you will feel worst because you are getting better."    It simply means grief is a roller coaster, and you are progressing through the journey when things go up and down.

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KMB   

Azipod, your post to Paluka was very well said. We all need to stick together and encourage when we can.

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I was just heading into Five Guys to grab some lunch. Right as I was walking in Poprocks and Coke by Green Day started playing. It was our very first “our song.” It’s a popular song but it’s almost 20 years old at this point. Certainly not something you would generally hear on the radio these days. We loved Five Guys and it really made me feel like Kayla was letting me know she was watching. Just thought I would share a nice moment

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Azipod   
18 hours ago, Freewill said:

Sorry to join you guys..I also loss my wife, the love of my life, my life, my everything..:( its been about 10weeks.it really hurts every moment of being still alive.the pain is unbearable that I wish I could also die with it!!mine is quite similar to you djh.suddenly loss wife  at the age of 30's.still a long way to go to go.reading your posts help me survive a moment and gives me idea what to expect..i'm glad I found you guys because no one around me will understand I'm going through like you guys.

Lost, lonely, don't know what to do, everything seems so pointless, feeling crazy, scared, nothing make sense anymore except to breath and stay alive..so unfair we have to experience such F!!!!

Please continue posting...this is my only way of survival right now..

Hi Freewill.  I am sorry that we are meeting under these circumstances.    At 10-weeks, I'm sure everything is a blur.  Your heart aches.  You feel lost, abandoned, and nothing feels right anymore.  You may also be angry, and sad.  For what it's worth, this is all normal.  *Pat on your back* for speaking up and posting to our forum.     Continue to come here.  Re-read the older posts, join in on the conversations, or just watch.  Do anything you want.   Use the forum as you need it.   Either way, we are here to help and support each other.

Since your loss is so new, I would encourage you to keep your busy.  Try not to isolate yourself from everyone out in the world.  Even though it's a very difficult time, you must not disconnect yourself from the rest of the world.  Try to stay associated.  Join a grief support group.   Talk with others that are willing to support.  Build a support system for yourself.   I know it's easier said than done.  But keep trying and keep it in mind.

As our dear KayC has already said, whenever you are ready, tell us about your wife and the circumstances.  Tell us how you are feeling.   We will all try to help in anyway possible.   

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KMB   

Djh, I hope hearing yours and Kayla's song gave you a little peace and comfort. We embrace our "signs" any time we receive them. Thank you for sharing!

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Paluka   
41 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I was just heading into Five Guys to grab some lunch. Right as I was walking in Poprocks and Coke by Green Day started playing. It was our very first “our song.” It’s a popular song but it’s almost 20 years old at this point. Certainly not something you would generally hear on the radio these days. We loved Five Guys and it really made me feel like Kayla was letting me know she was watching. Just thought I would share a nice moment

YES! This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Djh, I hope hearing yours and Kayla's song gave you a little peace and comfort. We embrace our "signs" any time we receive them. Thank you for sharing!

I literally stopped in my tracks. It was nice to imagine her with me again in some way

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Patti14   
20 hours ago, Freewill said:

Sorry to join you guys..I also loss my wife, the love of my life, my life, my everything..:( its been about 10weeks.it really hurts every moment of being still alive.the pain is unbearable that I wish I could also die with it!!mine is quite similar to you djh.suddenly loss wife  at the age of 30's.still a long way to go to go.reading your posts help me survive a moment and gives me idea what to expect..i'm glad I found you guys because no one around me will understand I'm going through like you guys.

Lost, lonely, don't know what to do, everything seems so pointless, feeling crazy, scared, nothing make sense anymore except to breath and stay alive..so unfair we have to experience such F!!!!

Please continue posting...this is my only way of survival right now..

I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband unexpectedly. It's been 5 weeks for me. It is so unfair. It is awful that we all have to go through this. It is helpful to come on here and realize we are not alone in this horrible grief journey. 

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KayC   
17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I was just heading into Five Guys to grab some lunch. Right as I was walking in Poprocks and Coke by Green Day started playing. It was our very first “our song.” It’s a popular song but it’s almost 20 years old at this point. Certainly not something you would generally hear on the radio these days. We loved Five Guys and it really made me feel like Kayla was letting me know she was watching. Just thought I would share a nice moment

I'm glad for you, you needed that!

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I miss my Yogi so much. No one wants to hear that anymore but it’s as true now as it was the day after she died. I need her 

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KMB   
49 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I miss my Yogi so much. No one wants to hear that anymore but it’s as true now as it was the day after she died. I need her 

It hurts big time, doesn't it? Friends get tired of our grieving in about a month or so and family members start with their platitudes in about 2 or 3 months, give or take, depending on the individuals. We live with our grieving every day.They don't understand and never will, until it happens to them. I can function through the bulk of the day,  but by late afternoon, I sink until sleep happens. It starts again when I wake up and I have the daily morning argument with myself about getting out of bed and doing it all over again.

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KayC   
11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I miss my Yogi so much. No one wants to hear that anymore but it’s as true now as it was the day after she died. I need her 

That's what's hard...everyone else goes on with their lives but for us that's not possible, we have a long haul, we have a lot of healing to do, a lot to learn, a lot of adjusting, a lot of effort to put in and even then the struggle is ongoing and the missing them continues as much if not more than the day they died.

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