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Djh0901kc

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23 hours ago, KayC said:

We were just talking about this in another thread.  It's weird how it feels like a movie we watched instead of our life.
It's also weird how people can think we're fine or that we somehow got over this.  That's what they don't get, there's no end to grief.

Yes that’s exactly it. Like a movie I saw. I hate that feeling. It makes me feel like it wasn’t real. Like she wasn’t real.

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In a few weeks it will have been two years since the sky fell. I think I’ve gone as far as I can go.

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14 for me Father's Day.  I think it gets somewhat better as we get more used to it but only so far as they're still missing.

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@Djh0901kc  This is a long tough journey.....please keep coming and posting...it has helped me so much just to have others to talk too.  It also helps the loneliness.  Thinking of you and sending hugs. Jeanne

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On 4/2/2019 at 2:13 AM, Djh0901kc said:

It’s been so long now that Kayla has been gone. These days it seems like the 15 years together are some false memory. It’s hard to believe there was ever a time when I wasn’t alone like this. 

People have just accepted and expect that I’m fine now. I’m sure I seem like it on the outside. I don’t talk about Kayla much with anyone anymore because I feel like people will think it’s strange that I’m still so fucked up. In truth, I still want to talk about her nearly constantly if for no other reason than to keep her in my memory. I’m so terrified of forgetting any little thing. She’s still all I think about. I still text her every day and talk to her when I’m alone. I’ve gotten strange with things she bought or got for me. For instance, there’s a bottle of body wash in my closet that I haven’t used because she got it. Nothing special. Just a routine errand. But it’s something she touched. Those items are limited in the world now. There will never be another trip to the store where she picks me up a bottle of body wash or a tube of toothpaste or anything. 

A couple weeks ago it was my birthday. I didn’t do anything. I went to work then went home. I didn’t talk to anyone at all. I just remembered the trips she used to plan for my birthday every year and wished for her back.

Its been a bad day today and I can never quite understand where they come from. I came home from work and started throwing in a load of laundry. I got to a T-shirt Kayla had bought me and realized the design was starting to wear off. It probably can’t survive many more washings. So the choice is to stop wearing something she got me or to keep wearing it and see it destroyed. They’re just stupid material things but the thought sent me crumpling to the floor crying in front of the washing machine. It’s been almost two years and I’m still this much of a mess. 

I hate this. I am so so lonely for my wife.

So I am not the only one who feels like this. We may look fine from outside but inside I think we all are same. Soon 2 years for me too and I still miss him so much, there is no single day or second i don't think about him, I still want to die and want this pain to be over. And like you, I also thought that those 8.5 years were dream and this is reality and i hate it so much. Sometime i think like he never existed , like I never lived that life with him.  We all are on journey I guess and we have to finish this, one day this all over and we will be free.

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4 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

So I am not the only one who feels like this. We may look fine from outside but inside I think we all are same. Soon 2 years for me too and I still miss him so much, there is no single day or second i don't think about him, I still want to die and want this pain to be over. And like you, I also thought that those 8.5 years were dream and this is reality and i hate it so much. Sometime i think like he never existed , like I never lived that life with him.  We all are on journey I guess and we have to finish this, one day this all over and we will be free.

It's weird but I've felt the same.  I look at our wedding pictures and wonder, did he really exist?  I look at our documents, yep, there they are, there's his signature, there's mine, we were married, we lived together.  Why does it all feel like a made up dream now?  The happiest time in my life.

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On 6/2/2019 at 8:33 AM, KayC said:

It's weird but I've felt the same.  I look at our wedding pictures and wonder, did he really exist?  I look at our documents, yep, there they are, there's his signature, there's mine, we were married, we lived together.  Why does it all feel like a made up dream now?  The happiest time in my life.

I'm experiencing this more and more. Its completely unreal to think I was ever not alone.

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Good to see you again, it's been a while!  Yeah, it feels like a long ago memory or like a movie I once watched...that I was so happy, we were so in love!  It's been forever since he held me, since I felt it was the best place in the world to be!  Time does tricks with our minds it seems.  The ghost faints dimmer with time...

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On 4/1/2019 at 1:43 PM, Djh0901kc said:

I got to a T-shirt Kayla had bought me and realized the design was starting to wear off. It probably can’t survive many more washings. So the choice is to stop wearing something she got me or to keep wearing it and see it destroyed. They’re just stupid material things but the thought sent me crumpling to the floor crying in front of the washing machine. It’s been almost two years and I’m still this much of a mess. 

I completely understand this. I go thru phases where I want to wear my husband’s clothing. But then I realize I’m going to wear his clothes out and eventually they’ll be faded. So what do I do? There are certain things that are put away and not touched, like his baseball caps. Before my husband’s last hospitalization, he threw out most of his clothes because he wanted new ones. I bought new clothes for him but sadly he passed away before he could wear them. I returned all those new clothes. So there’s only a few pants and shirts of his left. Also I can’t seem to get rid of my husband’s toothbrush, it still sits in our toothbrush holder. 

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On 5/29/2019 at 4:31 AM, Djh0901kc said:

In a few weeks it will have been two years since the sky fell. I think I’ve gone as far as I can go.

And you have survived, that is a big deal in itself, I am a newbie, 10 weeks. This is such a life altering event, I am still falling...

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I feel this so much. I haven't moved almost anything. Toothbrush, makeup, blow dryer. All where she left them. I suppose I'm probably officially a crazy person at this point.

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On 4/11/2020 at 3:30 PM, Jttalways said:

 

 

On 4/11/2020 at 6:05 PM, Missy1 said:

And you have survived, that is a big deal in itself, I am a newbie, 10 weeks. This is such a life altering event, I am still falling...

I have survived I suppose. I almost miss being only 10 weeks out. My wife and old life felt so much closer then. The pain was certainly more intense but at least it felt real. Now it feels like a dream. I'm sorry you find yourself here. KayC and others are much better at giving people hope than I am. Best of luck

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On 4/11/2020 at 11:27 AM, KayC said:

Good to see you again, it's been a while!  Yeah, it feels like a long ago memory or like a movie I once watched...that I was so happy, we were so in love!  It's been forever since he held me, since I felt it was the best place in the world to be!  Time does tricks with our minds it seems.  The ghost faints dimmer with time...

Unfortunately, I just accepted that part of life now is the constant hole of sadness in my heart. I didnt feel like coming on here would do anything other than infect people looking for hope. They are lucky to have people like you always here with a kind word or piece of advice. I certainly was. Thank you for everything over the past few years Kayc

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16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I feel this so much. I haven't moved almost anything. Toothbrush, makeup, blow dryer. All where she left them. I suppose I'm probably officially a crazy person at this point.

If you are, we all are.  I still have George's trinket dish where he threw his keys, little things sitting where it was.  I still have his bathrobe hanging on the bathroom door, his hat on the entryway hook.  His jacket on the closet door.  Something to make it feel like he might be coming home, I don't want to remove him completely from our home.

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16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Unfortunately, I just accepted that part of life now is the constant hole of sadness in my heart.

I know, I get that.  I try not to dwell on it as it hurts, not helps, my life now.  This COVID-19 isolation feels like it's set me back.  The life I worked so hard to build for myself, nothing like the one I had with George, but one I could do, one day at a time, is gone in an instant and I am more alone than I ever was.  It's a struggle to maintain hope when we don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Right now none of us knows if life as we knew it (even after our loved one passed, speaking of those who've had more time) will resume or be forever altered.  I don't think THIS life is worth much but I hold on for hope that I will again be able to resume going to church, seeing friends, not having to wear this stupid face mask and gloves, being able to find toilet paper again.  Right now I'm confined to my house and walking dogs.  I do have to count $ at the church and pay their bills once a week but it scares me.  The secretary is out sick right now so I pray it's nothing we all dread.

16 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I wish I could accept  it I can’t I have this irrational part of me that won’t let him go!

You don't have to let him go, just realize that our interactions have now changed.  He can no longer cuddle with me, but I still talk to him.  He doesn't accompany social events with me but like Harvey the rabbit...he's still there with me.  People would probably have me committed if they knew how much I talk to him.

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Today is the day. 3 years ago life changed. I wouldn't be here without this website. As insane as it sounds, sometimes I remember those early days, not fondly, but with a bit of nostalgia. I was closer to Kayla then. She was more of a real person and not just a collection of memories. I even miss that intense, overwhelming pain. I knew I was alive because I hurt so badly. Now everything is just kind of numb most days. Anyways, just wanted to say thank you to everyone here. I never dreamed that my post all those years ago would end up being viewed and commented on by so many people. I hope maybe it has helped someone in some way. Hang in there everyone.

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I feel your pain today, 3 years is a blink of an eye yet it may have felt like an eternity to you. I don’t think our brains and bodies can maintain that fresh level of pain, it would destroy us. Numbness is nature’s way of soothing the trauma. I wish you peace...

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15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Today is the day. 3 years ago life changed. I wouldn't be here without this website. As insane as it sounds, sometimes I remember those early days, not fondly, but with a bit of nostalgia. I was closer to Kayla then. She was more of a real person and not just a collection of memories. I even miss that intense, overwhelming pain. I knew I was alive because I hurt so badly. Now everything is just kind of numb most days. Anyways, just wanted to say thank you to everyone here. I never dreamed that my post all those years ago would end up being viewed and commented on by so many people. I hope maybe it has helped someone in some way. Hang in there everyone.

Tomorrow is my deathiversary, that and Father's Day (I have a double whammy as it was on Father's Day that year).  I can't say as it ever gets better, we grow more accustomed to it is all.  I understand what you are saying, it feels like a lifetime ago that he was here with me, we were so happy!

You're in my thoughts and prayers as you try to make it through today, I know it's hard.  (((hugs)))

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On 4/23/2020 at 6:39 PM, Djh0901kc said:

 

I have survived I suppose. I almost miss being only 10 weeks out. My wife and old life felt so much closer then. The pain was certainly more intense but at least it felt real. Now it feels like a dream. I'm sorry you find yourself here. KayC and others are much better at giving people hope than I am. Best of luck

This is what i think of that makes me the saddest. Each day that passes is further away from my husband, he becomes more of a distant memory to me. But then i remind myself that he is always with me, because i carry him in my heart. This thought i repeat to myself so i dont fall into the pits of despair.

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When my husband passed away within the first month I was afraid that I would forget him, his touch, the feeling of looking into his eyes, I was afraid that I would feel like he was getting farther away from me. I was afraid that if I let go of my grief and pain that I was letting go of his memory but now I know I can’t possibly ever forget I can’t possibly separate myself from him. I will always carry his love with in my heart and our souls are intertwined we are ONE forever.

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16 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I will always carry his love with in my heart and our souls are intertwined we are ONE forever.

I have a pendant made with my husband’s ashes. I wear it around my neck. Every time I’m somewhere or something happens that I wish he could see, I grab my pendant and remind myself that he IS with me. It brings me comfort. 

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