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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

31 posts in this topic

4 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

Francine, I know we didn't know you before but I'm guessing you're turning into an even better person too!

Thanks, that was sweet of you to say and I appreciate you for saying it.  Charles brought out the *better* me and now that he's gone, so is that better person.  You can imagine being with one man for your entire life (married just short of 45 years) never stop loving him and wanted only the best for him even if that meant putting yourself on the back burner. His life was my life and I know he would not want me to continue in the state I'm currently in, but I can't help how I feel.   Right now - not good.  :( 

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Now it's time to move to the front burner!  Take good care of yourself Francine. (And I need to take my own advice!!)

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On 11/07/2017 at 5:52 AM, Djh0901kc said:

I would never tell anyone how or what to believe in. All I know is that for me, I don't think there is anything else after this. I haven't felt like my wife is with me at all since she passed. I feel completely and utterly alone. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to see some sign or something that she still exists somewhere and is waiting for me. 

Same here. I would love for Tim to be here, but I can't feel him. I can't hear him. Definitely can't smell him... and what good would it do me if I could? I can't have him. Yes I love everything about him. But it wasn't some esoteric higher love. Well it was, but it was the physical and real side of it too.. and I can never have that again. Because his body doesn't exist.

And like you, I take no consolation from those around me. Although I know they are all missing him and they loved him and they feel his loss too. But they haven't done this. They get to go home and cry in the arms of their lover. I can never do that again. Of course life will never have the same joy for me- how could it?

All the 'good' things to come will never replace him and there will always be that ache that Tim and I were supposed to do this together.

He will always be my soulmate. But if he is nowhere, me going would just mean I am nowhere too, and my son will be alone. We both loved what we had - we already had our heaven, right here.

All that being said, I would be delighted to be wrong.I would love to find him there, waiting for me when our boyo is ready to not have either of us.

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You're all right, I ditto everything you say!  I never thought about whether this made me a better person or not, but different like Francine said. Enriched perhaps because of it, I mean I've learned a lot and developed a lot of compassion for others going through this.  (How can you, after all, have compassion about something you never experienced and don't get?)

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16 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Now it's time to move to the front burner!  Take good care of yourself Francine. (And I need to take my own advice!!)

You're probably right, but they all burn; the only difference was Charles was always there to to make sure my fires didn't get too high (no matter what they were).  I knew he wouldn't let those fires consume me; but now my fires seems out of control and my soul burns without him.  You're right, we need to take care of ourselves because Charles and Pat would have wanted us to.  Thanks again HHFaith and may God bless you.  You know you're in my prayers.  HUGS to you.

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2 hours ago, Francine said:

You're probably right, but they all burn; the only difference was Charles was always there to to make sure my fires didn't get too high (no matter what they were).  I knew he wouldn't let those fires consume me; but now my fires seems out of control and my soul burns without him.  You're right, we need to take care of ourselves because Charles and Pat would have wanted us to. 

That's one of the things I miss about Lori. She kept me in check and was a great balance for our marriage yoke. She truly made me a better man and I'll always be grateful to her for that. 

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