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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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Francine   
4 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

Francine, I know we didn't know you before but I'm guessing you're turning into an even better person too!

Thanks, that was sweet of you to say and I appreciate you for saying it.  Charles brought out the *better* me and now that he's gone, so is that better person.  You can imagine being with one man for your entire life (married just short of 45 years) never stop loving him and wanted only the best for him even if that meant putting yourself on the back burner. His life was my life and I know he would not want me to continue in the state I'm currently in, but I can't help how I feel.   Right now - not good.  :( 

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HHFaith   

Now it's time to move to the front burner!  Take good care of yourself Francine. (And I need to take my own advice!!)

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Artesia   
On 11/07/2017 at 5:52 AM, Djh0901kc said:

I would never tell anyone how or what to believe in. All I know is that for me, I don't think there is anything else after this. I haven't felt like my wife is with me at all since she passed. I feel completely and utterly alone. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to see some sign or something that she still exists somewhere and is waiting for me. 

Same here. I would love for Tim to be here, but I can't feel him. I can't hear him. Definitely can't smell him... and what good would it do me if I could? I can't have him. Yes I love everything about him. But it wasn't some esoteric higher love. Well it was, but it was the physical and real side of it too.. and I can never have that again. Because his body doesn't exist.

And like you, I take no consolation from those around me. Although I know they are all missing him and they loved him and they feel his loss too. But they haven't done this. They get to go home and cry in the arms of their lover. I can never do that again. Of course life will never have the same joy for me- how could it?

All the 'good' things to come will never replace him and there will always be that ache that Tim and I were supposed to do this together.

He will always be my soulmate. But if he is nowhere, me going would just mean I am nowhere too, and my son will be alone. We both loved what we had - we already had our heaven, right here.

All that being said, I would be delighted to be wrong.I would love to find him there, waiting for me when our boyo is ready to not have either of us.

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KayC   

You're all right, I ditto everything you say!  I never thought about whether this made me a better person or not, but different like Francine said. Enriched perhaps because of it, I mean I've learned a lot and developed a lot of compassion for others going through this.  (How can you, after all, have compassion about something you never experienced and don't get?)

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Francine   
16 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Now it's time to move to the front burner!  Take good care of yourself Francine. (And I need to take my own advice!!)

You're probably right, but they all burn; the only difference was Charles was always there to to make sure my fires didn't get too high (no matter what they were).  I knew he wouldn't let those fires consume me; but now my fires seems out of control and my soul burns without him.  You're right, we need to take care of ourselves because Charles and Pat would have wanted us to.  Thanks again HHFaith and may God bless you.  You know you're in my prayers.  HUGS to you.

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Eagle-96   
2 hours ago, Francine said:

You're probably right, but they all burn; the only difference was Charles was always there to to make sure my fires didn't get too high (no matter what they were).  I knew he wouldn't let those fires consume me; but now my fires seems out of control and my soul burns without him.  You're right, we need to take care of ourselves because Charles and Pat would have wanted us to. 

That's one of the things I miss about Lori. She kept me in check and was a great balance for our marriage yoke. She truly made me a better man and I'll always be grateful to her for that. 

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Nothing is getting better. I'll look at pictures of us from a few days before she died and can't understand how my life has fallen apart so quickly. I keep thinking maybe she will be back somehow and realize how foolish that is. I don't want this to be real. It can't be real. I need her to be here to tell me it's going to be alright

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KMB   

Djh0901kc,  We just want to wake up from the nightmare. We don't want this to be real, but we know it is. I can see the struggle and pain in your words .I don't know myself if things get "better", but the intensity of the pain does not stay the same. It tapers off, over time, to a dull throbbing and we learn to adapt in coexisting with it. You are only a month into this unwanted, different life, and you will experience many, many, waves of grief. After awhile, the waves won't crash into you quite so often. We learn to ride them out. We know what to expect when we feel them coming and we learn coping skills we each find the hard way, in dealing with those waves. Almost a year later, I still find it hard to look at pictures. So many memories surrounding a photo. How can a person who meant the world to us, be suddenly, permanently gone? Take care of yourself, one day at a time. I know how hard this is.

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Azipod   

Hi Djh0901kc,

I read your recent posts but I am hoping you are feeling better tonight.  I know we can all relate because we all lost someone special.  

I lost my wife exactly 3 weeks ago.  We're both 39.  I'm still in shock.  Like you, I'd give anything to be with my wife again and I miss her dearly.  All i do is think about her.  It's really sad and I wished this is all a dream.

If you want to talk or exchange texts I can be here to support you.  I'm grateful with all of the members here.  I come here at night, read random posts, and it helps me to know that I am not alone and grieving is part of life, whether we like it or not.

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Ka9219   

Mario left almost 2 months ago and I'm still wishing he will came back, I dont know how, but a part of me is hoping this bad moment "to end" but I keep telling to myself to focus in reality, thinking that "they'll come back" is not helpful, it give us the fake illusion of "relieve" or "consolation" but I try to keep my mind in reality even knowing reality is an awful place to live without Mario.

Some nights are worst than other, and the worst ones hit me with the feeling of hopelessness, nothings helps, I just fall into this black whole who is hurting so much but leaves me alive to go through every day carrying all this sadness, friend, it wont get easier, it will never be easy.

Cry, scream and hit the wall if you need to

We are here for you 

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KayC   
19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Nothing is getting better. I'll look at pictures of us from a few days before she died and can't understand how my life has fallen apart so quickly. I keep thinking maybe she will be back somehow and realize how foolish that is. I don't want this to be real. It can't be real. I need her to be here to tell me it's going to be alright

I don't think it gets "better", after all, they'll always still be gone, but we do get better at coping and adjusting eventually.  As it sinks into our subconscious, at least it stops hitting us over and over again, those triggers are really hard to take.  Our love is the one thing that survived this and I believe they are trying to let us know we'll be okay.

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Today is six weeks since my wife passed. I feel like I keep posting the same thing but I still can't accept that she's gone. The day she died we had such a great day and then she was just gone. I'm starting to think that I just wish I was gone too. Either we would be together or at the very least I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I know everyone says time is what will help but time just makes me further away from her. I've even considered doing things I don't believe in like going to see a medium. I'm just so desperate to talk to her again. I feel true despair for the first time in my life. I just want it to end

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

The day she died we had such a great day and then she was just gone.

That is how my husband's last day was too. We had a good friend visiting that day. We sat around the table with our coffee and laughing. We went outside for awhile. Our friend left and my husband and I had a normal evening. He must have gotten up during the night for a bathroom visit. I didn't know about it and I found him in the morning. Sudden cardiac arrest. The coroner assured me it was instant, like flipping a switch and nothing could have been done even if I had been with him. I am so grateful he didn't suffer and he went in our home, like he had always wanted.

We all do a lot of repeating in our posts, so don't worry. That is how grieving goes. It is like the movie, Groundhog Day, over and over again, for a long time, until we process things more and start adapting to our new reality.

If you feel that talking to a medium would help you, do some research first. Make sure the person is a medium. Not all psychics are mediums. I will admit I have had a couple of medium readings. A true medium will not require any info except a name, for connecting, and validations should come through as proof for you.

Take care of yourself. This is the toughest journey of our lives.

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Ka9219   

We can look for help if we need to and no one can judge you, when Mario passed away I went to talk with a psychic, he is a friend and the told me a lot of things that gave me a little bit of peace, no one wants to hear that your love one just "left" that he didn't hesitate about leaving this world, it was painful because I'd like to think he fought to stay here with me, but he just left me, and it hurts of course, but also I needed to understand that maybe it was the "right time".... It all depends in what you want to believe, do what feels good for you.

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I've always thought that psychics and mediums were nonsense and I still kind of do. I just miss her so badly I want someone to lie to me if that makes sense. Just to feel better for a minute or two.

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KMB   

You might want to try reading up on the afterlife and mediums. There are 2 good books I have read. "Never Letting Go" and Evidence of Eternity", both by Mark Anthony. "Evidence of Eternity" was a clincher for me.

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Azipod   
6 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I've always thought that psychics and mediums were nonsense and I still kind of do. I just miss her so badly I want someone to lie to me if that makes sense. Just to feel better for a minute or two.

I will go see one too after my shock wears off.  I've been reading books about the spiritual side of things.  I was never a believer before this tragedy, but after reading some books, researching online, and seeing legitimate reviews, I'm thinking that it might just be possible.

besides, it's the last piece of hope I have if I want to connect with my wife again, that is at least during this lifetime.

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Ka9219   

Hope, answers, we need to find something to hold on to, to make this "weight" lighter, and we need to believe there is something. Souls are real, and maybe some people have this "ability" to understand beyond the human dimension.

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KMB   
4 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

Souls are real, and maybe some people have this "ability" to understand beyond the human dimension.

We all have the ability ourselves. Our soul's true home is the afterlife, Heaven, if you will. We originated there but our memories of our life in the afterlife are erased when we are born here, so that we can experience the "human" life and learn lessons for our souls growth and eventual eternity in Heaven. We can relearn our abilities, so we can communicate with our loved ones who have already crossed back over to our true home. A lot of researching, learning and practicing is needed. There is so much of the spiritual awakening going on in the world today, due to the openness of more media. Mediums have more access in letting their gift of insight becoming more well known. Scientists are also discovering that there is more evidence out there, there is more than this planet of existence. Some of us have experienced "signs" and dream visitations of our loved ones. They want to let us know they are OK and still loving and watching over us.

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Ka9219   

I haven't think it that way, but now that say it, it is pretty logic to think we all the ability but we need to let ourselves believe we can communicate. I think meditation and faith is key, believe there is something more, a trust our feelings.

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Today is 7 weeks since my wife passed. She actually died slightly after midnight so it's technically tomorrow but since Friday was our last day together so I consider it today. I notice I keep posting on the anniversary of it. That's not deliberate. I guess it's just when I'm feeling lowest. Today was rough. My wife always cut my hair so I had been trying to go as long as possible before I had to get a haircut but I finally had to get it done. It's been hot where I am and today was a cool day in the 50s. Very autumn type day. Such a silly thing but as soon as I went outside and felt the air I broke down in tears. Autumn was our favorite season. We loved to go to orchards and pumpkin patches and harvest festivals when fall rolled around. We both are Halloween nuts and started decorating as soon as October hit. We watched a scary movie every night of the month and took turns picking them out. I realized today how much worse things are still going to get. I'm so lost. 

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KayC   
On 7/30/2017 at 2:47 AM, Ka9219 said:

Hope, answers, we need to find something to hold on to, to make this "weight" lighter, and we need to believe there is something. Souls are real, and maybe some people have this "ability" to understand beyond the human dimension.

My "hope" is in my faith, my beliefs.  I realize not everyone shares this hope, and I honestly don't know how people make it without that, but there was someone on here that posted a site for those who don't share the same beliefs, and it seemed to bring comfort to them.  I just know that for me, the hope I have of us being together one day is what keeps me going.  I'm sure heaven is a peaceful place and there is much in store for us that I can't imagine, but it seems the two greatest things I look forward to is being with God and my George!

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KayC   
17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Today is 7 weeks since my wife passed. She actually died slightly after midnight so it's technically tomorrow but since Friday was our last day together so I consider it today. I notice I keep posting on the anniversary of it. That's not deliberate. I guess it's just when I'm feeling lowest. Today was rough. My wife always cut my hair so I had been trying to go as long as possible before I had to get a haircut but I finally had to get it done. It's been hot where I am and today was a cool day in the 50s. Very autumn type day. Such a silly thing but as soon as I went outside and felt the air I broke down in tears. Autumn was our favorite season. We loved to go to orchards and pumpkin patches and harvest festivals when fall rolled around. We both are Halloween nuts and started decorating as soon as October hit. We watched a scary movie every night of the month and took turns picking them out. I realized today how much worse things are still going to get. I'm so lost. 

It's natural for our thought to be especially consumed when we have a special date or anv of their death, of course we're going to reach out at those times, they're hard to get through.  It's like we're trying to do life without a roadmap, this grief is very difficult to navigate.

Autumn was our favorite season too, the cool crisp air, the changing colors, my birthday, we loved to take drives and go for long walks then.  We didn't have the heat of summer or the slippery roads and shoveling snow of winter, it was just a favorite time, and it's when our wedding anniversary was!

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KMB   
23 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I realized today how much worse things are still going to get. I'm so lost. 

We are lost, will be for a very long time. It takes quite a while for our minds and hearts to be able to process our traumatic loss. Autumn was a good, special season for my husband and I also. Special dates, events, causes us to feel extremely sad and lonely. Our grieving is just something to endure in whatever way we each need to. My husband's last full day was a Friday. He passed suddenly during that night. Every day is misery, but I have come to wish to delete Fridays through Sundays.

Keep coming here, posting your thoughts and feelings. It is therapeutic, comforting, to get those things out, among those of us who listen and understand you.:wub:

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