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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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17 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I dont think there is any hope as we knew it. No hope. Just existing. 

That's not good enough for me. Why shouldn't I just jerk the wheel into an oncoming semi?

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

That's not good enough for me. Why shouldn't I just jerk the wheel into an oncoming semi?

Believe me its not good enough for me either. 

I wanna be dead. I just wanna be dead. In the initial days, I thought I wasnt the first to experience such pain and that I would go through this darkness somehow. Now I realise that I will never ever see my Brucey again and there is just nothing out there for me. I cry day and night and I have no idea what I am waiting for! 

I havent killed myself just because I want to be reunited with him on the other side. 

Im doing all I can to shorten my life though. The sooner the better! 

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LoveGoli   
8 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

What is the hope? Like what is the best case scenario for our lives now? To be lonely for the next 30 years? I just don't think that's worth it. I go to work seven days a week now because what else do I have to do. Everything I used to do for fun is tied to my wife. The holidays coming up are an utter nightmare for me as well. I'll most likely just avoid everyone and not participate. I'm so weary of this and it's been 13 weeks. I can't imagine doing it long term.

Yes I don't find any hope now, totally hopeless. This was my biggest nightmare and which is reality now, I can't imagine to live 30+ years more its very scary feeling. I tried to engage myself in office task but when I get home its so lonely, no one to wait for, no one is there who will demand evening snacks or dinner from me. No one there when I cook dinner, no one when I watched TV , just me with blank empty home. I heard before, people who did bad things will go to hell after death but I am living in hell without death.

How that one person can change your life, when we became so dependent to them.

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KMB   
9 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I can't imagine doing it long term.

I can't imagine it either. That is why I just do one day at a time. So far, it is the only way it works for me, and I have made it 1 year and 1 month so far. One day at a time.

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Azipod   
4 minutes ago, KMB said:

I can't imagine it either. That is why I just do one day at a time. So far, it is the only way it works for me, and I have made it 1 year and 1 month so far. One day at a time.

Telling myself to do it one day at a time got me chugging along too.   But now I'm getting tired of this. Every time I tell myself to do it one day at a time, a part of my brain tells me that everyday is only going to be the same.

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M88   
7 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

That's not good enough for me. Why shouldn't I just jerk the wheel into an oncoming semi?

Because the driver of that semi and his loved ones and the loved ones of other motorists he may crash into whilst trying to avoid hurting you, will suffer for the rest of their lives.  

The extreme pain we, all here, have had foisted upon us sucks big time, but working our way through it and rebuilding our lives is something our late partners would all want us to do.  They have lost their lives, they wouldn't want us to hurt ourselves or others.  

We need to honor our soul-mates lives and do whatever it takes to get through our grief.  

It's frigg'n tough, but participation on this forum, the only way we've found to be among others who really understand what we are going through, is the best thing any of us can do for ourselves at this point in our lives. 

Even though some of us have been here for a while and have found our own ways which help us get through each day, each night, our hearts and souls still ache something terrible for our partners. We also love and want them back.  We don't read new posts, reply to them and turn off to others pain and suffering - our hearts ache for those people as well.  Our grief has brought us together and we gain the comfort, understanding, compassion and friendship that we can't find within our families and friends.  

Sadly, acceptance and adjustment comes much too slowly but with it comes a new found, deep empathy for others and an ability to love others much more easily - our hearts grow much larger. 

Sending strength, love and lots of hugs. 

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Azipod   
6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Believe me its not good enough for me either. 

I wanna be dead. I just wanna be dead. In the initial days, I thought I wasnt the first to experience such pain and that I would go through this darkness somehow. Now I realise that I will never ever see my Brucey again and there is just nothing out there for me. I cry day and night and I have no idea what I am waiting for! 

I havent killed myself just because I want to be reunited with him on the other side. 

Im doing all I can to shorten my life though. The sooner the better! 

I think you and I are trotting along the same route.   The initial shock of losing my wife has begun to wear off.  Now, I'm hit with another level of shock -- the shock that I will never ever be able to physically be with my wife for the rest of my life.  It's such a hard thought to swallow.   It is sad and depressing to know that I could never ever share a touch, a kiss, a smile together.  We can no look into each others eyes, and see how much we mean to each other.   Gone are the kisses, the hugs, and even the simples touches.   The thought of never ever being able to do this ever again kills me.  It feels like I'm being stabbed 1000 times.    I miss her so much that I cry just thinking about it.

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KMB   
5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

  But now I'm getting tired of this

I am tired too. I am emotionally and mentally drained. There are so many times I wonder where I am getting the reserves of fortitude from to keep going. I am physically tired too. I swear I have aged at least 10 years during the past year. It is so exhausting to try to keep going.

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Azipod   
On 9/17/2017 at 2:09 PM, TooDevastated said:

 It's so unfair that she has gone through all the hard work of a PhD just to die after a decade. It's such a shame that a smart and accomplished woman has died so young.

 

She had a love for science.  I'm so glad she found so much joy making a career out of what she was truly interested in.  

I always thought it would be so unfortunate to have two lovers die together, unexpectantly (ie. accident).   Now, I think that's the perfect way to go.   The thought of lovers leaving earth together couldn't sound any more sweeter.    (this is all assuming we don't leave young children behind).

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LoveGoli   
21 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Telling myself to do it one day at a time got me chugging along too.   But now I'm getting tired of this. Every time I tell myself to do it one day at a time, a part of my brain tells me that everyday is only going to be the same.

You are so true, I am so tired of this repetitive schedule and how long we have to live like this, I can't say daily one day at time I just tired of this.

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7 hours ago, Azipod said:

I always thought it would be so unfortunate to have two lovers die together, unexpectantly (ie. accident).   Now, I think that's the perfect way to go.   The thought of lovers leaving earth together couldn't sound any more sweeter.    (this is all assuming we don't leave young children behind).

A few years back, on a quiet weekend, my boyfriend was scrolling through cute pictures online in bed. And he has shown me this photo and told me even death will not be a problem for us. Because this is what we would have looked like in death and it looked good. Your words reminds me of that weekend. I wish he were right. I wish we died together so neither of us were left to bear this kind of pain. 

Hasanlu_Lovers.jpg

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As time goes by, I'm finding that I miss so many of the tiny little things my wife did for me. They weren't major things and I didn't take them for granted but they always showed me how thoughtful and sweet she was. I'm going to start posting a list of them because I'm so afraid that I may forget. It's really more for me than anyone else.

-whenever we were going somewhere we would stop to get gas. While I ran in to get us cold drinks, she would wash the car windows and throw away any garbage.

-when we stayed in a hotel she would unpack our clothes and put everything away in the drawers and/or closets.

-whenever we went to the store she would ask if I needed deodorant/shampoo/body wash and then buy it anyway because she knew I had no idea what I was talking about.

-she constantly sent me otter videos(my fav animal) on FB and IG so that if I was having a bad day at work it would make me smile.

-she always stayed up late on days new dvds were released so that she could rent them from Redbox and we could have a movie night after work.

-she bought bananas every time she went to the grocery store so she could keep a never ending supply of banana bread on the kitchen counter for me.

-she went through the circular ads every week to be on the look out if any of my favorite foods went on sale.

- she bought clothes for me without telling me and just hung them in the closet because she knew it was something I would never do for myself.

-she kept track of when my car needed oil changes and new tires and take care of it for me because, again, I'm bad at paying attention to that stuff.

-she watched for flash sales on video games I had been wanting and would buy them and have them downloaded when I got home.

-she marked on the calendar when our favorite shows were coming back. I would never have known otherwise.

Like I said, none of these are big, life changing things. But I miss them so much now. I'm going to keep posting more as I think of them.

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Azipod   

Your list is very touching.  Your wife is definately a winner.  As a young male myself, I can see how you could appreciate all those little things that she did for you.  A lot of times during our days, we focus on all the big tasks we have to do.  And then we don't give much thought about the little things that actually carry us forward, such as the shampoo, clothes, bananas, favorite food, etc.  -- which really, is really meaningful for us.     

I've missed all the hugs that my wife use to give me every day.   Sometimes I thought it was too much.   But now, I realize how much value they were, and how much I miss the hugs.  I would give anything now just to get another hug from my wife.

We've had a good marriage/relationship.  But I still think this saying is true...... "you don't know what you have until its taken away."

I miss her so much.  =*(

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Eagle-96   
39 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Like I said, none of these are big, life changing things. But I miss them so much now. I'm going to keep posting more as I think of them.

But they ARE big. They ARE life changing. They are the things that really mattered the most. It's those little things that Lori did for me that I hold most dearly to my heart. 

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KayC   
17 hours ago, M88 said:

Because the driver of that semi and his loved ones and the loved ones of other motorists he may crash into whilst trying to avoid hurting you, will suffer for the rest of their lives.  

The extreme pain we, all here, have had foisted upon us sucks big time, but working our way through it and rebuilding our lives is something our late partners would all want us to do.  They have lost their lives, they wouldn't want us to hurt ourselves or others.  

We need to honor our soul-mates lives and do whatever it takes to get through our grief.  

It's frigg'n tough, but participation on this forum, the only way we've found to be among others who really understand what we are going through, is the best thing any of us can do for ourselves at this point in our lives. 

Even though some of us have been here for a while and have found our own ways which help us get through each day, each night, our hearts and souls still ache something terrible for our partners. We also love and want them back.  We don't read new posts, reply to them and turn off to others pain and suffering - our hearts ache for those people as well.  Our grief has brought us together and we gain the comfort, understanding, compassion and friendship that we can't find within our families and friends.  

Sadly, acceptance and adjustment comes much too slowly but with it comes a new found, deep empathy for others and an ability to love others much more easily - our hearts grow much larger. 

Sending strength, love and lots of hugs. 

In reading through all the posts here, I find this one best addresses the others.  It IS hard, and life is not the same after losing them.  My life before is gone now.  But eventually we do adjust and I guess that's where our hope lies.  That we can learn to live alone.  That we learn to handle everything ourselves.  Yes, we keep on missing them, but it doesn't stay as shocking and painful as it was at first, it settles into something we can carry eventually.  I know you disbelieve it, but I've lived it...I wouldn't have believed it either, that I could ever live without George here I could not fathom or believe, he was everything to me and I totally look forward to being with him again.  But for now I owe it to myself to do this the best way I know how.  I try by not giving up, by being here where there's others going through it and get it.  My life has totally changed.  I haven't gone camping since George died.  Why?  Because that was something WE did, together.  I admire those who can just march right on still doing the things they used to do together, I can't do that.  My life is different now, it's lost it's previous luster, but I do try to find good in it, just in different ways.  Something is always better when shared and I no longer have that person to share life with.  Going solo is much more of a challenge.

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3 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

Like I said, none of these are big, life changing things. But I miss them so much now. I'm going to keep posting more as I think of them.

I miss them too. :( The little things are the big things. I'm haunted by them every minute.

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It's not that I don't believe it's possible to get through it. I'm sure it is. Everyone says people have been losing soulmates for thousands of years and they made it. And that's true too. But not everyone does. The risk of death for a widowed person in the three years following the death of a spouse is something like double the average rate. For those of us under 40 it's even higher. I just can't convince myself that figuring out how to exist in some half-life for another 30 years is worth it

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LoveGoli   
6 hours ago, Azipod said:

I've missed all the hugs that my wife use to give me every day.   Sometimes I thought it was too much.   But now, I realize how much value they were, and how much I miss the hugs.  I would give anything now just to get another hug from my wife.

We've had a good marriage/relationship.  But I still think this saying is true...... "you don't know what you have until its taken away."

We also used to hug each other every day, when he got home and I ran to main door after hearing door bell, I kissed him and hug him. I told him many times that when I hug you it gives me peace some kind of inner peace and then he hugged me more tight. I miss all those small things now, the way he stand behind in kitchen with me, took care of every small things like grocery , bills etc. I missed when he gave me bundle of clothes on weekends for laundry and smile , I miss when anything special food we eat and he gave me first bite from his plate to taste, I miss everything.

Some days are ok to handle but some days are so painful to handle, this is too much. 

I told him many times that I love him so much but still I feel like I didn't tell him enough that how much he means to me, that I love him more than anything.

This isso true that .... "you don't know what you have until its taken away.""

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KMB   
2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I just can't convince myself that figuring out how to exist in some half-life for another 30 years is worth it

I don't feel you have to actively convince yourself. There is no need to place that extra burden on yourself, when it is more than enough just to get out of bed every day, either going to work or just basic functioning. Doing each day as it comes is good enough, more than enough. I know everyone has a different schedule, work hours etc.  I am retired and even though it has been a little over a year for me, I still stay in bed in the morning as late as possible. This morning, my dog wanted out at 7. When he came in, I said the heck with the early time and went back to bed. I finally dragged myself up at 9. It is now just going on 9:30pm here and I feel that I managed a 12 hour day, now I'm ready to lay in bed, flip tv channels, read for awhile and feel that this  day is another one behind me. Another day closer to being reunited with my hubby.  I have changed with my loss. In my" before" life, I never stayed in bed this long. I was always up before the sun. I was enthralled with another new day. I have progressed, I used to stay in bed all day, crying, staring at the tv mindlessly. if I closed my eyes, the images and memories had me crying some more. Grieving is a very long process.  Every one handles it differently. You will progress too. At your own rate, your own time table. Don't even bother thinking of the future. It is an unknown. The following months will unfold the way they are meant to. Time will help the evolving of the grieving. Have patience with yourself.

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11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

It's not that I don't believe it's possible to get through it. I'm sure it is. Everyone says people have been losing soulmates for thousands of years and they made it. And that's true too. But not everyone does. The risk of death for a widowed person in the three years following the death of a spouse is something like double the average rate. For those of us under 40 it's even higher. I just can't convince myself that figuring out how to exist in some half-life for another 30 years is worth it

All I do is keep wishing is a second chance in the last few days. I wish it were possible to do things differently for second time. I also dont think it's not worth making it.

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11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

This is really interesting. I was diagnosed with heart arrythmia after my boyfriends passing. My heart still feels fragile. Its bad but I honestly hope it fails so I can join him. 

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LoveGoli   
1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

This is really interesting. I was diagnosed with heart arrythmia after my boyfriends passing. My heart still feels fragile. Its bad but I honestly hope it fails so I can join him. 

I hope this for me too but i think my family will never let this happen because they are taking care of me too much.

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KayC   

I would have thought if anyone could die of a broken heart, I would have in that first year, but it didn't happen.  I guess I figure since I have to stick around I might as well take care of myself and give myself the best chance for recovery possible...even though that recovery is not an "end" but a continuing process.

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