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Djh0901kc

Don't know what to say

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KMB   
5 hours ago, Azipod said:

  Fridays are always my weekly anniversaries.   I also hate Fridays because it's the start of another weekend without my wife.   I feel so devastated.

Same here. Late on a Friday night, before midnight, my husband suddenly left. Nothing could be done to bring him back. Long, lonely weekends now for me. Weekends were ours, to do anything together. There are no words to describe the pain and loneliness.

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

I can't do this

 

Yes, you can. Most of us have been there in that deep, dark place many times. I still find myself there occasionally. We can't stay there. We all need each other here to survive.

 

1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

On 9/14/2017 at 9:41 PM, KMB said:

I totally get that. I have a video of my husband that I cannot bring myself to watch. It was taken at an event we went to where he was interviewed. I was there and a first hand witness. it is all in my memories. But, to actually watch the video, I cannot do it. To see him moving, talking, hearing his voice, I am so afraid of the meltdown and not coming out of it.

Don't do it. It's a mistake. 

 

I get that. I don't want to make a mistake. I'm too afraid of what it will do to me. I don't need much of a trigger for a melt down. Watching a video might sink me for sure.  Maybe someday------

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LoveGoli   
10 hours ago, Azipod said:

I know how you feel.  It is so awful.  We wake up sad every day and go through the same motions.  Sadly, we're also smart enough to know that for the forseeable future, things will keep repeating itself and that life will be grueling like this every day.      I wish there was a way to "turn off" this sadness.    If only we can all have our spouse back.    I would be the happiest husband in the world.

I am kinda jealous of my husband, i am not sure about other peoples but i am so jealous of him. He is gone early and i am left here for mourning, i wish I go first so he mourn here and I don't if  i am being selfish but i am not capable to handle this pain, this is too much to handle.

I saw him in dream today and it was very very real dream and when i just opened my eyes of excitement like he is back, it feels like hell. He was nowhere and that feeling i can not describe in words, i tried to sleep again so that i can see him again in my dream and you won't believe I saw him again. 

I am not sure if seeing him in dream is good bcs i can feel him in my dream but when i open my eyes that morning sucks even more and that day pain reach to other level. I miss him too much and weekends are so hard to handle.

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M88   

Lots of hugs, Djh. You can do it.  Most of us here have thought we couldn't, but we are doing it.  Continue coming here often and allow your most supportive friends into your life more - rely on them more.  Ditch any that aren't supportive. My best friends and daughter all live out of the district, and my son overseas, so I told them what time of day was hardest for me so they phone then. 

I'm at a stage where I love to watch the few videos I have of Gerry.   Love to hear his voice.  It took a few months before I could,  and there's still  tears and pain every time,  but watching them has got easier.  I'm just so pleased I have them.  In fact I must back them up.

Sending strength, love and hugs. 

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Azipod   
19 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I am not sure for which one of us I feel sadder, for him or for myself. It was terrible for us both. There is just too much grieving to be done. His loss, my loss, the secondary losses his absence causes, the future we were planning... 

It's been so difficult.  It's Saturday morning for me.  I feel OK today.  I recognize that my wife is physically not here -- and I am starting the weekend, alone again.

It hurts me so much to know that she will never be here with me again.   That's really my challenge lately.   Physically (though not emotionally), I am use to being home alone, cleaning alone, cooking for myself.  But I am still in shock about never ever being able to see my wife again.    It is such a scary though that it brings me back to the initial shock phase.   It's almost like beginning this entire trauma from the beginning.

I feel so sad.

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Azipod   
17 hours ago, waitingtowakeup said:

 

Today was my first day back to work. I just wanted to text him... call him throughout the day. I thought that maybe when I came home, he could be there. 

 

I so missed not receiving the occasional texts from my wife throughout the day as well!

Whenever I do get a text, I quickly pick up the phone thinking that there may be some remote possibility it is her.  But my brain will quickly jump in and tell me, no, it's not possible.

During the earlier days, I would come home seeing her car in the front of the house.   My heart says "this is great, my wife is at home."  My brain then quickly tells me no, it's not possible.

The days are grueling.  The nights are worst.  There is no end to this madness.

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Azipod   
16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I just keep replaying that last two seconds over and over. I love you. I love you. I love you. I just want to be with her and I would settle for just feeling nothing. If I had some way to do it I would end this right now

It indeed feels so nice to be able to end my live, so that I can be with my wife.   Aside from not believing in suicide, there's nothing wrong with the thought.

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Azipod   
15 hours ago, KMB said:

 Maybe N. Korea will nuke this country and we can all go home to our loved ones.

I am crossing my fingers for this.  I live in the West Coast in California.    Maybe I should move to Guam, or Japan.  Better yet, maybe buy a 1-way ticket to South Korea and create a scene at the DMZ.  I'm sure those folks at the border will take me out in a heartbeat.

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LoveGoli   
1 minute ago, Azipod said:

It indeed feels so nice to be able to end my live, so that I can be with my wife.   Aside from not believing in suicide, there's nothing wrong with the thought.

I wish we can donate our rest of the year to someone who need this, who has family because for us life is worthless, just waiting to die so why not to donate someone who need this more than us.

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Azipod   
15 hours ago, KMB said:

Same here. Late on a Friday night, before midnight, my husband suddenly left. Nothing could be done to bring him back. Long, lonely weekends now for me. Weekends were ours, to do anything together. There are no words to describe the pain and loneliness.

Going through each weekend is hell.

It's Saturday morning, doing laundry.  Then going to the local library for a class on urban cycling.  Then to my therapist.     Then go home and be alone.

FML!     

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Azipod   
14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am kinda jealous of my husband, i am not sure about other peoples but i am so jealous of him. He is gone early and i am left here for mourning, i wish I go first so he mourn here and I don't if  i am being selfish but i am not capable to handle this pain, this is too much to handle.

That is a very interesting thought.

Most people feel great sympathy for those who leave this earth early at a young age.   However, after seeing how us loved ones who remain on earth suffer, it actually may not be so bad after all.

Having some jealously for those who left us sounds like quite valid.

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Just wanted to apologize to everyone for being an extra depressing ball of sadness last night.  I watched that video and my brain snapped.

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

Yes, you can. Most of us have been there in that deep, dark place many times. I still find myself there occasionally. We can't stay there. We all need each other here to survive.

 

I get that. I don't want to make a mistake. I'm too afraid of what it will do to me. I don't need much of a trigger for a melt down. Watching a video might sink me for sure.  Maybe someday------

I'm glad I have the videos but last night showed I'm definitely not ready to watch them.

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Had my steak and wine. Set the table for two. Lit a candle. Poured two glasses of wine like Sean suggested. I even have a picture I took of her at dinner on NYE last year. She's sitting across from me at the table, looking so beautiful in an evening gown and pearl choker. I pulled it up on FB while I ate. I felt a little like a weirdo. Cried. Talked to her. Told her how much I love her. I don't know if I feel better or if I got anything out of it. But I did it. I'm still here. I guess that's something.

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KayC   

@Azipod,

I still think of him as being gone on a long vacation of sorts, that I just have to wait out this interim time.  I guess however we have figured out how to do this, more power to us.

@TooDevastated,

I was hit with the remark about her hair being everywhere and no longer finding them.  My husband didn't have an overabundance of hair, he used to think he should get a discount on his haircuts because he had less to cut, the barber would laugh, but I think George meant it.  If I had but one hair, I would encase it in glass so nothing would happen to it, I could see it...boy would people think I was over the edge if they could hear this!

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KayC   
On 9/15/2017 at 11:33 AM, TooDevastated said:

This is why I really really REALLY wanted to adopt his pet rabbit. At least I would have something affectionate and alive left from him. His family thought they, rather than me, ought to have him though. I know my boyfriend would hate to see me starting an argument with them. So I kept quiet. 

I am sorry you didn't get to keep it.  George never got to meet the animals I have now, all of them we'd had together have since passed away, but I know he would love them and I think he sees them even now with me and loves them.

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KayC   
2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Just wanted to apologize to everyone for being an extra depressing ball of sadness last night.  I watched that video and my brain snapped.

No apologies needed, we understand.

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9 minutes ago, KayC said:

@Azipod,

I still think of him as being gone on a long vacation of sorts, that I just have to wait out this interim time.  I guess however we have figured out how to do this, more power to us.

I was hit with the remark about her hair being everywhere and no longer finding them.  My husband didn't have an overabundance of hair, he used to think he should get a discount on his haircuts because he had less to cut, the barber would laugh, but I think George meant it.  If I had but one hair, I would encase it in glass so nothing would happen to it, I could see it...boy would people think I was over the edge if they could hear this!

That beautiful brown hair and her big brown eyes were my favorite things about her physically. And her smile. I would give anything to find a hair on my shirt while I was at work. Like I said, I have her brush, which is full of her hair but it's not the same.

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4 minutes ago, KayC said:

No apologies needed, we understand.

I know but it makes me feel terrible. I know most of us here are already depressed or sensitive to stuff. I don't want to make it worse

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KayC   

You aren't making anything worse for anyone.  We all need to vent sometimes, cry sometimes (okay, a lot), if we held it in it would poison us!

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KMB   
18 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am not sure if seeing him in dream is good bcs i can feel him in my dream but when i open my eyes that morning sucks even more and that day pain reach to other level. I miss him too much and weekends are so hard to handle.

I have been through that quite a few times with the dreams. You wake up and you don't want to. Reality slaps hard. I try hard with the effort of reminding myself, that the dreams are a way of keeping the bond of connecting.

1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

No apologies needed, we understand.

I know but it makes me feel terrible. I know most of us here are already depressed or sensitive to stuff. I don't want to make it worse

 

No apologies, djh!  You are among your grief family here. We are the only ones who "get it".

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KMB   
2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

Had my steak and wine. Set the table for two. Lit a candle. Poured two glasses of wine like Sean suggested. I even have a picture I took of her at dinner on NYE last year. She's sitting across from me at the table, looking so beautiful in an evening gown and pearl choker. I pulled it up on FB while I ate. I felt a little like a weirdo. Cried. Talked to her. Told her how much I love her. I don't know if I feel better or if I got anything out of it. But I did it. I'm still here. I guess that's something.

 

You got through it. You did what you wanted to do and needed to do. Your wife was there, sitting in her chair, giving you love and comfort.

Nothing that we do, vent or cry about is weird. We cope in whatever way that works for us. That is all that matters.

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KMB   
4 hours ago, Azipod said:

Having some jealously for those who left us sounds like quite valid

I feel it is valid also. I envy my husband where he is now. Residing in a place of pure love and harmony. No pain or suffering of any kind. It is said that the afterlife is a lot like this earth. We can enjoy all we want without the drama, trials, heart aches, of this earth existence. i cannot wait to go there myself and enjoy it with my husband.

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19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I know but it makes me feel terrible. I know most of us here are already depressed or sensitive to stuff. I don't want to make it worse

I found myself planning my death last night. I thought about how I would end it. I even worked out the details so my family would thing I'd died of natural causes. I'm a scientist and I have got access to stuff to make things work smoothly... I actually enjoyed thinking about it. How would carefully finish my earthly deeds one by one and once I am finally ready I'd just go to the other side.

I hate my life now. I would want a future for myself. I would. I just know I cant have one without him in it. I miss all of his silly jokes, the way he would tease me, how he would bring me a hot water bottle and a cuppa when I got period cramps, how we used to cook tasty meals together, how we both loved cheese more than everything, how we used to watch laugh at Will Ferrell  films, how we would wait to watch star war films when we were together. I miss his obsession with WD40 spraying it on every piece of metal at my place and try and help me with fixing stuff. Its these small things that made me feel so alive and loved. I feel dead. This morning, I actually turned the water from hot to cold in shower hoping the heat shock might kill me. I dont want to be so lonely but I definitely dont want someone else. I want him back in my arms. My life really sucks... I am also sorry for the depressed post.

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