Don't know what to say

[Djh0901kc]

God I’m so alone without her

[LoveGoli]

4 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

God I’m so alone without her

We are here for you. Only I know how did I spent my whole day today. Having headache since morning and took 2 pills. Physically and mentally suffering from both.

[Djh0901kc]

Just now, LoveGoli said:

We are here for you. Only I know how did I spent my whole day today. Having headache since morning and took 2 pills. Physically and mentally suffering from both.

Thank you LG. I hope you’re headache is fading. 

[LoveGoli]

4 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Thank you LG. I hope you’re headache is fading. 

Thanks Dj, just took medicine about an hour ago so its fading little bit. I believe its Sunday morning in your place. All the best for Sunday because it was hard for me.

[Paluka]

41 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

God I’m so alone without her

I know the feeling. I hate it. Even if I'm in a room full of people I'm desperately alone. 

[LoveGoli]

My husband's favorite reality show starts from today and his favorite actor hosting the show. I really missing him , I wish he was here.

[KMB]

Nice pic of happier times.

Memories and pics are all we have left.  When I look at pics now, I wish I could dissolve right into them, back to that time.

[Djh0901kc]

16 minutes ago, KMB said:

Nice pic of happier times.

Memories and pics are all we have left.  When I look at pics now, I wish I could dissolve right into them, back to that time.

When I look at pictures of her it makes me feel like this can’t be real. How can she be gone? How can it be true that I’ll never see her again? How can can it be that we will never go to another game, or museum, or aquarium? It can’t be real. I can see her right there, so alive. This can’t be real.

[LoveGoli]

10 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

When I look at pictures of her it makes me feel like this can’t be real. How can she be gone? How can it be true that I’ll never see her again? How can can it be that we will never go to another game, or museum, or aquarium? It can’t be real. I can see her right there, so alive. This can’t be real.

This is exactly I feel when I saw our pictures. This can't be true and we are not gonna create more memories. I felt like he is going somewhere and will come soon.

[KMB]

7 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

This can’t be real.

I feel the same way. When I look at pics, I can mentally transport myself back to those particular moments, the event, the day surrounding the pic. I come out of that mental transport and I can't even share that memory with my husband in reality.  Sometimes when we were watching the news, a scene would be shown of a place we had been to. We would both look at each other and simultaneously say, " remember when we were there". My reality is just a void of sadness and loneliness. I try to fill that void with the others I care about, projects and chores, but it all doesn't have the same true pleasures as in my "before" life with my husband.

[Djh0901kc]

9 minutes ago, KMB said:

I feel the same way. When I look at pics, I can mentally transport myself back to those particular moments, the event, the day surrounding the pic. 

That’s what I do too. Those moments feel more real to me than this does. I feel so lost. Like I’ll never be found again.

[Djh0901kc]

To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.
 

 

[Djh0901kc]

Funny how you can read something a thousand times and not appreciate it until it really means something to you.

[KMB]

34 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.
 

 

I remember reading this back in high school and a time or two after. Back then, I wondered who would want to end their life?   It does have a different meaning now.  Dealing with our loss causes us to look at things a whole lot differently.

[Azipod]

5 hours ago, KMB said:

When I sit back and think about all the busy work we do that is a part of living this life, it is all for nothing in the end, isn't it?

Pointless.  Purposeless.  That's how i feel everyday.  There is nothing at the end.   Either way, I don't want to reach the end alone without my wife.  I rather be with her.

[Azipod]

 

5 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

God I’m so alone without her

 

You are not alone.  Saying that I miss my wife is an understatement.   My life is a big black hole.

[Azipod]

3 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

When I look at pictures of her it makes me feel like this can’t be real. How can she be gone? How can it be true that I’ll never see her again? How can can it be that we will never go to another game, or museum, or aquarium? It can’t be real. I can see her right there, so alive. This can’t be real.

I asked myself that when I was at the hospital with my wife's lifeless body.  I asked myself if this could be true or if it was just some bad dream.  It is no dream.... it is real.  It is our reality.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

No one grills for one person either.

I've had to learn to value myself and acknowledge that I am worth cooking a good meal for.  It doesn't carry with it the same feeling it did when George was here, I loved cooking FOR him and seeing his enjoyment of it, that part is gone.  But I've learned to go ahead and do things for me and not let it stop me from taking care of myself.  Although I still feel that way about other things, I haven't gone camping since he died.  I don't take drives like we did.  The part of having a shared experience is gone.

[KayC]

Djh,

I look at the picture of the two of you, so young, it's inconceivable that she is gone.  It's so wrong that a person so young should be left facing this!

[Djh0901kc]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Djh,

I look at the picture of the two of you, so young, it's inconceivable that she is gone.  It's so wrong that a person so young should be left facing this!

Every day on Facebook I get those memory things. This is what you were doing last year, 3 years, 5 years ago. They’re all pictures of us or things we posted on each other’s pages. It’s like Facebook is trying to destroy me every time I log on. My whole history is Kayla since before there was a Facebook. Now there will be no future memories added.

[LoveGoli]

6 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Every day on Facebook I get those memory things. This is what you were doing last year, 3 years, 5 years ago. They’re all pictures of us or things we posted on each other’s pages. It’s like Facebook is trying to destroy me every time I log on. My whole history is Kayla since before there was a Facebook. Now there will be no future memories added.

I deactivated my account because of all these issues because I also had all my memories with him since I started Facebook. Funny post, anniversary post, love posts everything is reminder now so I deactivated mine and his account till I get courage to see those post again.

[Djh0901kc]

10 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I deactivated my account because of all these issues because I also had all my memories with him since I started Facebook. Funny post, anniversary post, love posts everything is reminder now so I deactivated mine and his account till I get courage to see those post again.

I didn’t get on FB for the first three months but I’ve gotten on here and there recently.  I regret it pretty much every time though 

[Djh0901kc]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/is-there-evidence-of-life-after-death_us_58ac5e10e4b029c1d1f88f02

[Djh0901kc]

The most famous of modern NDEs was recounted in the 2012 bestseller by Dr. Eben Alexander, a neurosurgeon, in Heaven is Real: A Doctor’s Experience with the Afterlife (a good example if skeptics’ inability to state the facts in their rebuttals can be found in a response to an article in Esquire: http://iands.org/news/news/front-page-news/970-esquire-article-on-eben-alexander-distorts-the-facts.html). He went into a seven-day coma after suffering from microbial meningitis in 2008 and had an experience that ran counter to his expectations. He recalled:

I did not believe in the phenomenon of near-death experiences…I sympathized deeply with those who wanted to believe that there was a God and I envied such people the security that those beliefs no doubt provided. But as a scientist, I simply knew better.

When I entered the emergency room, my chances of survival in anything beyond a vegetative state were already low, but they soon sank to near nonexistent. For seven days I lay in a deep coma, my body was unresponsive, my higher-order brain functions totally offline. 

All the chief arguments against near-death experiences suggest that these are the results of minimal, transient, or partial malfunctioning of the cortex. But mine took place not while my cortex was malfunctioning, but while it was simply off. This is clear from the global cortical involvement documented by CT scans and neurological examinations. According to current medical understanding of the brain and mind, there is absolutely no way that I could have experienced even a dim and limited consciousness during my time in the coma, much less the hyper-vivid and completely coherent odyssey I underwent.

[Djh0901kc]

I find this article and the doctor’s experience in particular hopeful.

[TooDevastated]

22 hours ago, Azipod said:

Pointless.  Purposeless.  That's how i feel everyday.  There is nothing at the end.   Either way, I don't want to reach the end alone without my wife.  I rather be with her.

The sad thing is...We will reach the end without them. I hope the end is soon...

[TooDevastated]

On 01.10.2017 at 9:34 PM, Djh0901kc said:

When I look at pictures of her it makes me feel like this can’t be real. How can she be gone? How can it be true that I’ll never see her again? How can can it be that we will never go to another game, or museum, or aquarium? It can’t be real. I can see her right there, so alive. This can’t be real.

This is how I felt today. Today was absolutely terrible. I went to get a haircut and felt like ****. I didnt want to tell my hairdresser about my boyfriend. I didnt want the pity face.

After I left I felt worse. Because every time I went to get a hair cut, Bruce would be so excited and would ask me to send a photo after it was all done. He cant even see my new hair. He will never see my hair. And I will never see him again. That realisation slaps me in the face every time. I hate my life now. Nothing I do will bring joy again.

On top of all this, I got a promotion at work. And almost everyone at the office hates me now. It was bad enough already. It's going to suck from now on even worse.

[Djh0901kc]

I don’t know if I should say sorry or congratulations. You must be doing something right. I’ve only gotten my hair cut once since Kayla died. She was the one that cut my hair usually so I went to some random place. When the girl asked if I was married, I totally lied and pretended like she was still alive. Now I need another haircut but I feel awkward about having to either lie again or tell the truth and have to deal with that.

[TooDevastated]

19 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I find this article and the doctor’s experience in particular hopeful.

I have seen interview videos of that doctor on youtube. They were good. Yesterday I watched this: 

It has made me feel better that if out of body experiences are scientifically proven, then it is scientifically possible that our loved ones consciousness are still there somewhere. All of the signs that I received from him and these videos I am now pretty sure he is not perished, he is there. I am not sure for how long I can bear living though. Knowing the love of my life is there, if I do not naturally get a deadly disease or a car crash soon, the thought of killing myself to join him will become impossible to ignore....

 

[Djh0901kc]

All I can say is that yesterday I texted Kayla that I couldn’t do this anymore without her and that I was going to end things. But I didn’t do it obviously and today I don’t feel quite as miserable. Like only a 10/10 instead of an 11. Hang in there.

[TooDevastated]

2 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don’t know if I should say sorry or congratulations. You must be doing something right. I’ve only gotten my hair cut once since Kayla died. She was the one that cut my hair usually so I went to some random place. When the girl asked if I was married, I totally lied and pretended like she was still alive. Now I need another haircut but I feel awkward about having to either lie again or tell the truth and have to deal with that.

Most people at the office are a lot older than me so they somehow feel entitled to critise my supervision. It will be even worse now. People trying to find something bad about me....

I dont think it was anything I did right recently. The department manager said they have been considering me for the post for over six months... I couldnt care any less. I might just turn down the offer tomorrow. Noone to celebrate the news with. Noone to spend the bonus I'd get. I dont even know whats the point of going to work

[Djh0901kc]

2 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Most people at the office are a lot older than me so they somehow feel entitled to critise my supervision. It will be even worse now. People trying to find something bad about me....

I dont think it was anything I did right recently. The department manager said they have been considering me for the post for over six months... I couldnt care any less. I might just turn down the offer tomorrow. Noone to celebrate the news with. Noone to spend the bonus I'd get. I dont even know whats the point of going to work

Maybe you could do something in honor of Bruce with the extra money? Like if he liked zoos or aquariums sponsor a whale or tiger cub or something? Just as an example. You know what he loved of course. 

[TooDevastated]

6 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

All I can say is that yesterday I texted Kayla that I couldn’t do this anymore without her and that I was going to end things. But I didn’t do it obviously and today I don’t feel quite as miserable. Like only a 10/10 instead of an 11. Hang in there.

As soon as I get to work, the first thing I do is to I check the news to find out if North Korea shot any missiles! Because if they do, I'm determined to get a plane ticket to Japan or South Korea. All I wish for is a quick death really. I dont have any strength for anything else. I'm SO tired of pretending and holding back the tears. 

[TooDevastated]

2 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Maybe you could do something in honor of Bruce with the extra money? Like if he liked zoos or aquariums sponsor a whale or tiger cub or something? Just as an example. You know what he loved of course. 

Oh that'd be such a cute thing to do. We were both against zoos but I could donate to a wild life preservation programme in Africa or something like that. I will look into this. So I will know he is smiling down at me.

[Djh0901kc]

Just now, TooDevastated said:

Oh that'd be such a cute thing to do. We were both against zoos but I could donate to a wild life preservation programme in Africa or something like that. I will look into this. So I will know he is smiling down at me.

I did this for Kayla’s bday one year because she loved sharks.

http://www.marinecsi.org/sponsor-a-shark/

[Djh0901kc]

There’s also a star named after her from another bday but I can’t find the paperwork on it anywhere now

[TooDevastated]

2 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

There’s also a star named after her from another bday but I can’t find the paperwork on it anywhere now

Oh that sounds lovely! And I bought us some acres of land from Mars (even though nobody is 100% sure if its legit! lol) so we could pass it down to our grand grandkids and make them rich. So much for dreams...

[TooDevastated]

We deserved so much better than what we got... This is just so cruel :/

[Djh0901kc]

4 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Oh that sounds lovely! And I bought us some acres of land from Mars (even though nobody is 100% sure if its legit! lol) so we could pass it down to our grand grandkids and make them rich. So much for dreams...

That’s really neat. In another world it sounds like the four of us could have been couple friends. I’m sorry this is the world we got

[TooDevastated]

7 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

That’s really neat. In another world it sounds like the four of us could have been couple friends. I’m sorry this is the world we got

Maybe in the after we cross over to join them... In another life.. 

[KMB]

1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

I find this article and the doctor’s experience in particular hopeful.

 

Articles and real life stories of NDE's are interesting. While Alexander's brain was medically tested as non functioning, he knew later that he indeed had gone to the afterlife. His soul left his physical body while in the coma. It was his soul that left the memory of his NDE in his subconscious, so he was able to recall it. Our souls do get bored in our physical shells and do leave our body quite frequently. During lucid dreaming and our actual sleeping. When we catch ourselves daydreaming, it is because our souls have left our body for a short adventure. During sleep, our souls leave the body to travel around this earth for adventures and also to the afterlife to check in with other souls we know that are still in the afterlife.

[TooDevastated]

2 minutes ago, KMB said:

Articles and real life stories of NDE's are interesting. While Alexander's brain was medically tested as non functioning, he knew later that he indeed had gone to the afterlife. His soul left his physical body while in the coma. It was his soul that left the memory of his NDE in his subconscious, so he was able to recall it. Our souls do get bored in our physical shells and do leave our body quite frequently. During lucid dreaming and our actual sleeping. When we catch ourselves daydreaming, it is because our souls have left our body for a short adventure. During sleep, our souls leave the body to travel around this earth for adventures and also to the afterlife to check in with other souls we know that are still in the afterlife.

I wish we could choose NOT to come back once we leave for any of the ways you described....

[Djh0901kc]

2 minutes ago, KMB said:

Articles and real life stories of NDE's are interesting. While Alexander's brain was medically tested as non functioning, he knew later that he indeed had gone to the afterlife. His soul left his physical body while in the coma. It was his soul that left the memory of his NDE in his subconscious, so he was able to recall it. Our souls do get bored in our physical shells and do leave our body quite frequently. During lucid dreaming and our actual sleeping. When we catch ourselves daydreaming, it is because our souls have left our body for a short adventure. During sleep, our souls leave the body to travel around this earth for adventures and also to the afterlife to check in with other souls we know that are still in the afterlife.

I don’t mean offense to anyone here it just means something extra to me when the person describing this experience is a scientist who previously thought the concept of God was silly. They’re coming at it from the same perspective I do. He had no reason to make this up and he understood the science behind it. One of the most comforting things to me is the law of conservation of energy. If we believe that souls are real then they are energy and as such science would say that they do not expire. You can find all kinds of refutations of that if you choose to but right now it’s enough for me.

[Djh0901kc]

I have a question I don’t know if anyone can answer but I’m still curious. My wife was an organ donor. She underwent an autopsy but I was never informed or asked if her organs were going to be donated. I was told that all her organs appeared healthy. Do they just know that she was a donor? I don’t know why all of a sudden this popped into my head but she was so adamant about being a donor. Did they get to the people that needed them?

[TooDevastated]

2 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I have a question I don’t know if anyone can answer but I’m still curious. My wife was an organ donor. She underwent an autopsy but I was never informed or asked if her organs were going to be donated. I was told that all her organs appeared healthy. Do they just know that she was a donor? I don’t know why all of a sudden this popped into my head but she was so adamant about being a donor. Did they get to the people that needed them?

Yes. It should be on her file. We were informed which organs/tissues they collected from my boyfriend. Haven't you or her family received an autopsy report or a call from the coroner?

[KMB]

3 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

wish we could choose NOT to come back once we leave for any of the ways you described....

We can choose. it is up to our souls to stay in the afterlife, or choose to come back here for another life experience. Our souls choose to come back here many times because the lessons we need to learn for our souls growth, can be learned faster here. This earth life does go by in the blink of an eye compared to the afterlife. There is no sense of time there. It is not linear like here. Once our soul has attained total growth, we can stay in the afterlife for eternity.

Another thing to keep in mind, is that our soul is always trying to guide us in what we are here for. But as humans, given a mind with an ego, it is usually our ego that defines our thoughts and feelings. That is why we are better off tuning into our inner selves, our soul. This planet and humanity would be a better, more peaceful place to exist if people wouldn't let their ego run them.

[Azipod]

10 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I wish we could choose NOT to come back once we leave for any of the ways you described....

When I was little, people warned that if you drew on someone's face while they were asleep, they would never wake up again.  They explained that the soul gets lost and cannot match itself back to the physical body.    It's probably a bunch of Woo-Woo but I haven't tried so I don't know.

[TooDevastated]

2 minutes ago, KMB said:

We can choose. it is up to our souls to stay in the afterlife, or choose to come back here for another life experience. Our souls choose to come back here many times because the lessons we need to learn for our souls growth, can be learned faster here. This earth life does go by in the blink of an eye compared to the afterlife. There is no sense of time there. It is not linear like here. Once our soul has attained total growth, we can stay in the afterlife for eternity.

Another thing to keep in mind, is that our soul is always trying to guide us in what we are here for. But as humans, given a mind with an ego, it is usually our ego that defines our thoughts and feelings. That is why we are better off tuning into our inner selves, our soul. This planet and humanity would be a better, more peaceful place to exist if people wouldn't let their ego run them.

If my soul goes to the afterlife that often, I am pretty sure I would do ALL I can to find and see him at least! Why do I not remember choosing to come back, or finding him? In the near death experiences, most people said they chose to come back and they remembered it. 

[KMB]

20 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

my soul goes to the afterlife that often, I am pretty sure I would do ALL I can to find and see him at least! Why do I not remember choosing to come back, or finding him? In the near death experiences, most people said they chose to come back and they remembered it. 

It takes practice for learning to recall when our soul leaves the body. Essentially, before going to sleep, we can state our intent and ask our spirit guides for help in remembering. Visiting the afterlife is called astral projection or astral traveling.  A lot of the dreams we do remember, are our souls astral traveling. Those of us who have had visitation dreams of our lost loves is a form of astral travel. Their energy helped to make that visitation happen.

My youngest daughter is in tune with herself spiritually and has learned how to astral travel whenever she wants. She is under the mentorship of a teacher and it takes a lot of focus and practice to learn to do it upon will. She is friends with like minded people and they make agreements that upon going to sleep at night, to meet each other in the afterlife to go exploring. The things my daughter tells me is amazing about the workings of the afterlife.

[TooDevastated]

4 minutes ago, KMB said:

My youngest daughter is in tune with herself spiritually and has learned how to astral travel whenever she wants. She is under the mentorship of a teacher and it takes a lot of focus and practice to learn to do it upon will. She is friends with like minded people and they make agreements that upon going to sleep at night, to meet each other in the afterlife to go exploring. The things my daughter tells me is amazing about the workings of the afterlife.

Can you elaborate on your daughters experiences if you dont mind? Did she get to see a dead loved one on purpose? It sounds really interesting.