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Djh0901kc

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On 1/12/2018 at 8:10 PM, lovingstill said:

Just noticed the quote in your signature and wanted to tell you it resonated with me. I cling on to the possibility that he exists elsewhere and that we'll be reunited. Am I crazy? I talk to him every day, I ask him for guidance, I tell him I love him. He's dead. I know he's dead, but I also think he's with me. In the very, very beginning, I couldn't sleep. Then all I could do was sleep because when I was asleep was the only time I didn't know that he was gone.

I meditate now -- and I need to share -- I'm hyperactive, diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, very functional as both child and adult but went to be a non-ADHD control for a clinical trial and didn't qualify because of the ADHD I didn't even know I had. I try to meditate and find guided meditations to "meet spirit loved ones." I've done everything to try to be connected. In short, I can't even meditate because I'm too hyperactive...but I'm trying because I'm dying to have at least one other moment with him. :(

You are absolutely not crazy.  I still develop spiritual connections with my wife, sometimes I don't do it intentionally but it does come.  Just prior to coming onto the forum, I relived some of the moments I had with her and suddenly, I started to have what I felt was thoughts and messages that were being implanted in my mind.    It was messages of comfort and love, and that everything was Ok and that I should feel OK.  Just then, I felt my right hand getting warm along with a little sensation on my face.   I've had other variations of these feelings from other times before.  I felt that it was my wife, coming to me, and telepathically letting me know of her thoughts and messages.  I knew she held my hand and perhaps gave me a kiss on the face.

You're not crazy.  Our loved ones are with us.  They are just in another dimension, another world.  It doesn't make it better, but they are with us.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

You are absolutely not crazy.  I still develop spiritual connections with my wife, sometimes I don't do it intentionally but it does come.  Just prior to coming onto the forum, I relived some of the moments I had with her and suddenly, I started to have what I felt was thoughts and messages that were being implanted in my mind.    It was messages of comfort and love, and that everything was Ok and that I should feel OK.  Just then, I felt my right hand getting warm along with a little sensation on my face.   I've had other variations of these feelings from other times before.  I felt that it was my wife, coming to me, and telepathically letting me know of her thoughts and messages.  I knew she held my hand and perhaps gave me a kiss on the face.

You're not crazy.  Our loved ones are with us.  They are just in another dimension, another world.  It doesn't make it better, but they are with us.

YES, I talk regularly with him and feel him a lot. I truly believe he's communicating with me and that he exists but in a different form.

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12 minutes ago, lovingstill said:

YES, I talk regularly with him and feel him a lot. I truly believe he's communicating with me and that he exists but in a different form.

Her energy is a lot less these days, unlike the earlier months. I think it’s true that on time, they do need to proceed forward to cross over fully, taking them farther from us and letting them do whatever they need to in the other side.  At 6 months, I did tell my wife that it was OK for her to carry on towards the light to where she is suppose to be. I told her that she did not have to keep staying here to comfort me.  After then, her prescrnece became less intense and much less frequent.

im convinced that the other side is likely the better side of life.  Here on earth is schooling for us. It’s much harder and much more grueling. 

They say that we really wake up when we die.  As Swedenborg said, “death is just a passage.”  It’s not the end. We are just going home to where we came from.

knowing my wife is already there, I can’t wait to be with her again. In other words, I’m aching each day that the end of my life will come soon.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Her energy is a lot less these days, unlike the earlier months. I think it’s true that on time, they do need to proceed forward to cross over fully, taking them farther from us and letting them do whatever they need to in the other side.  At 6 months, I did tell my wife that it was OK for her to carry on towards the light to where she is suppose to be. I told her that she did not have to keep staying here to comfort me.  After then, her prescrnece became less intense and much less frequent.

im convinced that the other side is likely the better side of life.  Here on earth is schooling for us. It’s much harder and much more grueling. 

They say that we really wake up when we die.  As Swedenborg said, “death is just a passage.”  It’s not the end. We are just going home to where we came from.

knowing my wife is already there, I can’t wait to be with her again. In other words, I’m aching each day that the end of my life will come soon.

You and I, both. I can't wait for the end. I've been working, meanwhile, to stay connected. I guided him to the light pretty soon after his passing, but I still feel him around me. For example, I feel like he sends me songs, such as Ed Sheeran's "Perfect." I know it's the better side of life, and I can't wait to be in what truly can be described as h-ll. THIS human life without our partners is hell...

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On 11/07/2017 at 5:22 AM, Djh0901kc said:

I would never tell anyone how or what to believe in. All I know is that for me, I don't think there is anything else after this. I haven't felt like my wife is with me at all since she passed. I feel completely and utterly alone. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to see some sign or something that she still exists somewhere and is waiting for me. 

I have just lost my husband, 47 years old...and this is exactly how I feel. He loved me so much, I keep hearing people say "he's with you"...Well then how the hell can he see me go through this agony and not let me know, somehow, that he's there, that he's Ok? I feel totally abandoned. Where is he? Why can't he let me know he's there the way everyone says? 

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On 13/07/2017 at 1:31 PM, Artesia said:

And like you, I take no consolation from those around me. Although I know they are all missing him and they loved him and they feel his loss too. But they haven't done this. They get to go home and cry in the arms of their lover. I can never do that again. Of course life will never have the same joy for me- how could it?

All the 'good' things to come will never replace him and there will always be that ache that Tim and I were supposed to do this together.

100%....Yes, so many people are mourning him, friends, family..Yes, everyone is upset..but when they have finished supporting me..they get to go home and be comforted by their partner or spouse...and I get to be alone with my devastation..the one person who coul d make it better is the one person who isn't there...

Everyone says to just hang on, make it through, go on...my question is, why? So I can spend another day week month year forever Oh My God without him???

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We tend to live our lives like this is it, because this is what we know, what we can explain, what we fathom.  Forgetting, there is so much more than this, more than we can't fathom, more we can't explain.  It helps me to watch and read about other universes, the stars, the planets, something beyond myself, beyond my world, and it helps me to realize I'm a small part of something so much more...it helps me to realize that they still "are" and although we can't define or explain it, they continue to exist in another form, in "what's next", and it comforts me knowing that the day he died was not "it" for him, it was indeed as you say, a passage.  I believe with all my heart, he continues, and is with me, even though it's not as it was before.

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1 hour ago, Oz girl said:

I have just lost my husband, 47 years old...and this is exactly how I feel. He loved me so much, I keep hearing people say "he's with you"...Well then how the hell can he see me go through this agony and not let me know, somehow, that he's there, that he's Ok? I feel totally abandoned. Where is he? Why can't he let me know he's there the way everyone says? 

Same case with me , i cant feel his presence. Where is he if he is seeing me why don't he show up.

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4 hours ago, Oz girl said:

I have just lost my husband, 47 years old...and this is exactly how I feel. He loved me so much, I keep hearing people say "he's with you"...Well then how the hell can he see me go through this agony and not let me know, somehow, that he's there, that he's Ok? I feel totally abandoned. Where is he? Why can't he let me know he's there the way everyone says? 

That's because none of our partners are magicians.  Just because they have crossed over on the other side doesn't mean that they can show themselves to you at any given minute.  Although there is a thin veil between the physical and spiritual world, the right conditions still needs to exist before certain things can happen.  Also, sometimes there are things happening but we just fail to take notice.  It can also be that you have not reached the spiritual development you need to be to be able to communicate.   Finally, your grief and sadness can also be a barrier to communications.  It could be anything.... and it could be something that totally doesn't have anything to do with you.

There is more to our life than we understand and can comprehend.   Those that do not believe are those that do not get the signs.  It's that simple.  If you want something, you have to get in touch with your inner self so you can develop your senses and awareness to feel what is around you.   As long as you keep saying Nay, then all you're going to get is Nay.

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19 hours ago, lovingstill said:

YES, I talk regularly with him and feel him a lot. I truly believe he's communicating with me and that he exists but in a different form.

Yeah, it's just unusual to have a relationship with someone that is mute and invisible.  But given the circumstances, I'll take anything I can get.

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10 hours ago, Oz girl said:

I have just lost my husband, 47 years old...and this is exactly how I feel. He loved me so much, I keep hearing people say "he's with you"...Well then how the hell can he see me go through this agony and not let me know, somehow, that he's there, that he's Ok? I feel totally abandoned. Where is he? Why can't he let me know he's there the way everyone says? 

Unfortunately, you’ll find that if you feel this way it’s best to just keep it to yourself. People want to believe and they don’t want to hear anything to the contrary. Most people don’t even want to consider the possibility that there’s nothing else. And you can’t make yourself believe if you don’t no matter how badly you want it. It sucks plain and simple

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10 hours ago, Oz girl said:

100%....Yes, so many people are mourning him, friends, family..Yes, everyone is upset..but when they have finished supporting me..they get to go home and be comforted by their partner or spouse...and I get to be alone with my devastation..the one person who coul d make it better is the one person who isn't there...

Everyone says to just hang on, make it through, go on...my question is, why? So I can spend another day week month year forever Oh My God without him???

I said so many of these same exact things. I still wonder what the point of going on is if we know that’s it’s never going to get any better. You can message me if you ever need to talk.

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I’ve been on antidepressants for over a month now. Not quite sure what to make of it. I’m definitely not happy. More like numb. It’s like there was a hole in the wall and instead of fixing it, someone put tape over the hole and painted the wall. It looks a little better but something is still wrong inside. I know it’s not ideal but when I started taking them I was thinking about killing myself every day. I don’t so often anymore. That’s something I guess. I don’t miss Kayla any less or think about her any less. I want her back every day. 

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Let’s just all agree to recognize we are going to feel sad. 

Write down 5 things about your loved one that made you love them. During the course of the day, read what you wrote as many times as you need to. 

Love conquers all! 

 

 

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13 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

when I started taking them I was thinking about killing myself every day. I don’t so often anymore. That’s something I guess.

Djh,

This killed me, I'm glad you're on antidepressants if it helps the suicidal thoughts.  It's so important to fight those thoughts and give yourself ample time to adjust to your life and make it something you can live...I'm talking a YEARS long process, not months.  But the important thing to keep in mind is that we can adjust to living without them here but it's neither quick nor easy, but we can have some good in our life ahead.  We need to give ourselves every chance to find it.

The way you describe the antidepressants working in you is so apt a description, they don't fix what's wrong (missing our partner) but make it a little more tolerable, it's kind of like masking it or numbing it, but still, if it gives any help at all, take them.

Valentine's Day is not my favorite day anymore, George and I enjoyed celebrating it together, but with him gone, well you all know, I needn't tell you.  Today I think I'm going to think of things I love about George and then tell him out loud.  Who knows, maybe he can hear me!

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Djh,

This killed me, I'm glad you're on antidepressants if it helps the suicidal thoughts.  It's so important to fight those thoughts and give yourself ample time to adjust to your life and make it something you can live...I'm talking a YEARS long process, not months.  But the important thing to keep in mind is that we can adjust to living without them here but it's neither quick nor easy, but we can have some good in our life ahead.  We need to give ourselves every chance to find it.

The way you describe the antidepressants working in you is so apt a description, they don't fix what's wrong (missing our partner) but make it a little more tolerable, it's kind of like masking it or numbing it, but still, if it gives any help at all, take them.

Valentine's Day is not my favorite day anymore, George and I enjoyed celebrating it together, but with him gone, well you all know, I needn't tell you.  Today I think I'm going to think of things I love about George and then tell him out loud.  Who knows, maybe he can hear me!

I went to the grocery store today and saw all the guys buying last minute flowers and chocolates. For a second it made me mad. You still have this person that loves you and this is the best you can do? But they don’t know any better. 

Like you, we loved Vday. It was never some cheesy thing to us.  More like an excuse to go to a fancy dinner. 

Thinking of all of you today. I hope you make it through ok. I hope your George can hear you KayC

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Made it through the day.  I'm still sick so I was ready to go to sleep long before the 8 pm I did (I had to wait on the fire/woodstove), thus ending V. day.  George and I always enjoyed getting dressed up and going to the church's Valentine banquet together.  He'd give me a card and flowers or jewelry but he always put a lot of thought into whatever he did and he took romance seriously.  God I miss him!

I hope you did okay, I know it's hard.

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When will it feel real? Sometimes I’ll sit alone and say “Kayla is dead” out loud but it still seems like it can’t be possible. She can’t be gone because I’m still here. This must be some kind of mistake. Today’s one of those days I just want to lay down on the railroad tracks and be free of this

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15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

When will it feel real? Sometimes I’ll sit alone and say “Kayla is dead” out loud but it still seems like it can’t be possible. She can’t be gone because I’m still here. This must be some kind of mistake. Today’s one of those days I just want to lay down on the railroad tracks and be free of this

Today I also felt same, I told myself that he is gone but sometimes it feels it's not real. 

Every single second I think about him, I miss him. Every time when I feel pain in my chest I beg for heart failure. My friend suggest me to see doctor but I told him if there is any tiny chance of heart failure I won't leave it. But my bad luck nothing happening to me.

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One of our own on another grief site commit suicide this month. I wouldn't recommend it.  It's totally torn up his family and shook up all of us.  I understand it, I just wouldn't recommend it.  If there were some easy way out of this...but there isn't.  Suicide passes our pain onto someone else that we love.

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7 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Today I also felt same, I told myself that he is gone but sometimes it feels it's not real. 

Every single second I think about him, I miss him. Every time when I feel pain in my chest I beg for heart failure. My friend suggest me to see doctor but I told him if there is any tiny chance of heart failure I won't leave it. But my bad luck nothing happening to me.

This happens to me as well.   I try to overcome the grief by staying strong.  Keeping busy and doing meaningful and productive things to rebuild my life.  But then when those quiet moments come around... you sit there and think... who am I kidding?   How in the world am I still trying to live my life when my heart is beyond shattered?  How can I continue going without my partner?  What's the point of this!?    In many ways, there is still a solid layer of shock and denial that is deep inside my body.   It's not going away.

Writing this post really made me think again.  What is the point now?  I don't think there's any.

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12 minutes ago, Azipod said:

This happens to me as well.   I try to overcome the grief by staying strong.  Keeping busy and doing meaningful and productive things to rebuild my life.  But then when those quiet moments come around... you sit there and think... who am I kidding?   How in the world am I still trying to live my life when my heart is beyond shattered?  How can I continue going without my partner?  What's the point of this!?    In many ways, there is still a solid layer of shock and denial that is deep inside my body.   It's not going away.

Right this post really made me think again.  What is the point now?  I don't think there's any.

I feel that, too. "Who am I kidding?" What's the point? Someone at work gave me praise about handling a really hairy situation in a calm manner. I said thank you, but I almost said, "It's surprisingly easy to be calm when nothing really matters and there doesn't seem to be a point to anything."

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

This happens to me as well.   I try to overcome the grief by staying strong.  Keeping busy and doing meaningful and productive things to rebuild my life.  But then when those quiet moments come around... you sit there and think... who am I kidding?   How in the world am I still trying to live my life when my heart is beyond shattered?  How can I continue going without my partner?  What's the point of this!?    In many ways, there is still a solid layer of shock and denial that is deep inside my body.   It's not going away.

Right this post really made me think again.  What is the point now?  I don't think there's any.

 

1 hour ago, Michelene said:

I feel that, too. "Who am I kidding?" What's the point? Someone at work gave me praise about handling a really hairy situation in a calm manner. I said thank you, but I almost said, "It's surprisingly easy to be calm when nothing really matters and there doesn't seem to be a point to anything."

There is no point but we have to force ourselves to move on.  That is the hard part and the torture.

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It is a torture.  The positive part out of all of this is that I really don't care about anything anymore.  I don't intentionally put myself in harms way, but gone are those little activities people typically do to maintain good health.   It's all fried chicken and the alike these days.  I eat whatever I want.   When I go, I go.  It's very simple.  I welcome the light to facilitate my crossing..... I can't wait.

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On 1/5/2018 at 8:15 AM, Azipod said:

I had expected the same as well.  With the holidays over and now into 2018, it just feels like crap to get into a new year without my wife.  Does life get easier?  Possibly.  But I don't think it gets better.... For me, life ill never be better without my wife.  Better is all relative.

A colleague told me that something that happened was an indication of my husband "watching over me."  But I don't want him watching OVER me, I want him watching WITH me. 

I am back to the WHY! WHY? just so pointless--i just feel it didn't have to happen, if just minor changes had occurred at various points, it wouldn't have happened. So says me. I say that. So take that, God. I know better than You. 

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

This happens to me as well.   I try to overcome the grief by staying strong.  Keeping busy and doing meaningful and productive things to rebuild my life.  But then when those quiet moments come around... you sit there and think... who am I kidding?   How in the world am I still trying to live my life when my heart is beyond shattered?  How can I continue going without my partner?  What's the point of this!?    In many ways, there is still a solid layer of shock and denial that is deep inside my body.   It's not going away.

Writing this post really made me think again.  What is the point now?  I don't think there's any.

You are so true Azipod, I guess we are trying to fool ourselves. I did same think, kept myself busy, try to crack jokes, laughed with other people but deep inside I knew I am just trying to avoid or maybe its almost 8 months so I am pretend to be normal. But we are not normal anymore there is no normal, I am just fed up from this life , I just want to finish all this crap and want to leave this earth so soon no matter if I am going to meet him or not but I just want to shut this pain off.

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

It is a torture.  The positive part out of all of this is that I really don't care about anything anymore.  I don't intentionally put myself in harms way, but gone are those little activities people typically do to maintain good health.   It's all fried chicken and the alike these days.  I eat whatever I want.   When I go, I go.  It's very simple.  I welcome the light to facilitate my crossing..... I can't wait.

Today I ate an entire bag of potato chips. I don't think I've eaten a potato chip in like 5 months. I do feel like I need to get my own paperwork in order, and get a will drawn up. I have not been happy in almost 3 months. I have been happy FOR people, but the joy is gone. There are things that give me pleasure, and make me laugh or smile, but not happiness and certainly not joy. 

And I am tired of people telling me I'm "strong." I may look strong but it's because I am on autopilot-- its the easier path, the way of less resistance. To me, strong would just be staying in bed and ignoring all the fallout from not going to work, or dealing with the paperwork. It's easier to go to work, and do the paperwork. It is not "strong." It's weak, it's easy. Put it in front of me and I'll do it. I did an art training for teachers this whole past weekend--why? because when they asked me it was easier to say ok than say no. By the second day it was clear it was wearing on me being around people but it was still easier to go in and do it rather than deal with explaining why I didn't want to do the second day. 

 

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14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

its almost 8 months so I am pretend to be normal. But we are not normal anymore there is no normal

We are normal...for grievers.  But it's not our old normal, nothing normal about it with our old lives.  They say we have to find a new normal, I guess this is it, this is all I've got.  Everything changed so drastically...little of my life remained the same, my address, my phone number, that's about it.  We don't have to pretend.  I don't.  I'm pretty candid with people about how I feel.  Maybe that's why I have a hard time making friends?  Who knows.  All I know is I have to be authentic to myself, if anyone interjects their opinion, I will have my say.  I won't pretend.

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9 hours ago, Michelene said:

There are things that give me pleasure, and make me laugh or smile, but not happiness and certainly not joy. 

It's all in a word or labeling.  We can call something that brings us a smile a small joy or not call it anything at all, it doesn't matter what we label it.  We can smile but our life is nothing like it once was.  When George held me I felt such an encompassing happiness, the feeling that all was right with the world, I felt protected, cared about...a feeling I haven't had since.

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21 minutes ago, KayC said:

We are normal...for grievers.  But it's not our old normal, nothing normal about it with our old lives.  They say we have to find a new normal, I guess this is it, this is all I've got.  Everything changed so drastically...little of my life remained the same, my address, my phone number, that's about it.  We don't have to pretend.  I don't.  I'm pretty candid with people about how I feel.  Maybe that's why I have a hard time making friends?  Who knows.  All I know is I have to be authentic to myself, if anyone interjects their opinion, I will have my say.  I won't pretend.

I laughed with people in office this is what I consider my normal and I pretend that I am ok, bit deep down I am not, I can't, how can I normal without him. You are right KayC this is our new normal but it sucks I don't want to live my life with this new normal its so hard to adjust in this.

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On 2/26/2018 at 10:35 PM, Michelene said:

Today I ate an entire bag of potato chips. I don't think I've eaten a potato chip in like 5 months. I do feel like I need to get my own paperwork in order, and get a will drawn up. I have not been happy in almost 3 months. I have been happy FOR people, but the joy is gone. There are things that give me pleasure, and make me laugh or smile, but not happiness and certainly not joy. 

And I am tired of people telling me I'm "strong." I may look strong but it's because I am on autopilot-- its the easier path, the way of less resistance. To me, strong would just be staying in bed and ignoring all the fallout from not going to work, or dealing with the paperwork. It's easier to go to work, and do the paperwork. It is not "strong." It's weak, it's easy. Put it in front of me and I'll do it. I did an art training for teachers this whole past weekend--why? because when they asked me it was easier to say ok than say no. By the second day it was clear it was wearing on me being around people but it was still easier to go in and do it rather than deal with explaining why I didn't want to do the second day. 

 

Yeah... being strong has really not relevance here because the pain, the agony, the constant defeat from having to deal with the grief is so intense and grueling.  Whether someone perceives me as strong or not has no bearing of what I have to endure day to day.    I suppose the one good thing, if there is something, about having to deal with grief is that I no longer care about my diet.  Now, I don't venture out and eat fried chicken everyday, but it's nice to know that I really don't care, and I just eat whatever the body wants.  Organic stuff?  psshhh...  I can care less.    It does take a lot of pressure off my plate in not having to deal with "eating healthy."   When it's time to go, it's time to go.....  I'm just waiting for the light!     As for happiness and joy, there is no such thing now like you have said so well.  Any moments of happiness/joy now, is a very different form.   It's just not the same.

This morning when I woke up in bed, I shook my head and said f**k, I don't even know how I lasted 8 months.

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On 2/26/2018 at 5:57 PM, LoveGoli said:

You are so true Azipod, I guess we are trying to fool ourselves. I did same think, kept myself busy, try to crack jokes, laughed with other people but deep inside I knew I am just trying to avoid or maybe its almost 8 months so I am pretend to be normal. But we are not normal anymore there is no normal, I am just fed up from this life , I just want to finish all this crap and want to leave this earth so soon no matter if I am going to meet him or not but I just want to shut this pain off.

I know, LoveGoli.  Are are all going through a very sad time in our life.  I can't say that it will ever be better.... it will just be different over time.   I am so sick of my new life.  Living in an empty house that I once shared with my wife reminds me so much of the wonderful person and "prior life" I've lost.  It breaks my heart to see myself, and everyone else having to go through such trauma in our lives.    Why is it in life that we can have so more joy and pleasure, yet can experience so much pain and trauma at the same time?

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

This morning when I woke up in bed, I shook my head and said f**k, I don't even know how I lasted 8 months.

Me and my Goli never separated for even 8 days and now I spent whole 8 months without him. How? I don't know and I am scared of living many more years without him. Hope I don't have to live 8 years without him. 

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1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

Me and my Goli never separated for even 8 days and now I spent whole 8 months without him. How? I don't know and I am scared of living many more years without him. Hope I don't have to live 8 years without him. 

This stood out to me so much.  I'm only 32.  I think every day I could live into my 90s.  I have the genes for it.

We spent every second humanly possible together.  I could go another 60 years like this.  We didn't like being apart for a couple hours.  Now I could go decades. 

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Steve and I were also always together.We had one smart phone between the 2 of us, one laptop  and one email address.There were no reasons to not trust eachother.We could  read each others emails and we did.Nothing to hide.

Azipod,LoveGoli,Ice Fire, and everybody else on this forum: It is a terrible awful, painful situation we are in, a situation we did not choose.But what can we do?I don't know.Try to make the best of it, what a stupid cliche.

Azipod, I use the word f**k sometimes and I really do not like swearing.But when I talk to my Steve I do  swear.Why did you f**king leave me, just like that.Why did you ffing leave me behind and I can go on like that for ever.It sometimes helps a little but really the whole situation is just s**t and we can not change it.Sorry this a rant.I try not to swear in real life.Swearing is not cool.

Michelene, there are a few things that we grieving people do not want to hear.You are strong is one of them.Or You can call me any time,Let me know if there is anything I can do for you,Time will heal wounds, you will get over it.......Arghhhhh.

People have no idea what we are going through.They do not understand.Neither did I before Steve died so I cant blame them.

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People ask me what my plans are for summer break, what am I "looking forward to..." Um...nothing? Do they not understand that most of the" looking forward to" people do has to do with sharing? Sharing happiness, struggles, laughs...I'm not looking forward to anything, because I won't get to SHARE it. I think, well, at least I will get to do this...or that, but looking forward to it, not really. I don't like LOOKING FORWARD at all. 

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"You're so strong.  It's inspiring!" 

I don't want to be f*ing inspiring. I don't want to be your feel good story of perseverance or whatever BS you see in the movies.

I'm crushed, ruined and destroyed I don't care about your "inspiration". 

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Go Girls, go! A bit of swearing relieves pressure.....

Inspiring, and your partner only died 1 1/2 months ago.What did you do for her to say that?You are surviving if anything!! You are so strong, because you are still alive????

Starting to look forward to things takes a while Michelene.I actually am now, but Steve died 21 months ago so I am a long way ahead of you.

You will start to feel different.It takes time. Take your time.

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11 hours ago, Ice Fire said:

This stood out to me so much.  I'm only 32.  I think every day I could live into my 90s.  I have the genes for it.

We spent every second humanly possible together.  I could go another 60 years like this.  We didn't like being apart for a couple hours.  Now I could go decades. 

When George first died, I was 52 and in my family we also have the genes, I could live to mid nineties...this scared me.  Forty years without him?  It seemed overwhelming.  Now it'll be 13 years in June, I've long ago accepted living alone and that my life has changed drastically.  I've gotten used to the aloneness.  Not that I like it.  Some things are okay, like being able to eat a bag of potato chips for dinner (only I don't like potato chips), but gosh I'd give anything to have him back!  

The forty years without him scared me, it was enough to send me into a tailspin, I can imagine how you feel at the thought of sixty.  That's when I learned to stay in TODAY and not try to look at the whole rest of my life!  It's too much, guaranteed to bring on an anxiety attack or make me admit overwhelming defeat.  Staying in TODAY has the added bonus of helping you appreciate what IS, not merely lamenting what ISN'T.  Our focus is so important to our making our way through this.  I say that, not survival, because many of us may not feel like surviving, we'd just as soon be "taken home", okay any time now will do it!!  But for the moment we are alive, we have to make our way through this.  I do so much better if I stay in this present moment.  Yes we still have to plan financially for retirement and figure out when we're going to file our taxes.  But we don't have to take on the whole rest of our life, it's too much.  It's enough to survive today, especially now when you're still so new in this.  I find myself worrying about my old age (at what point do we qualify as old age?  Maybe I'm already there at 65!) and I have to remind myself, go back to TODAY!  90 percent or more of what we worry about never comes to pass anyway.  Maybe I'll step out in front of a truck and all of this worry will be for naught anyway, what a waste of worry emotions!  My point is, none of us truly knows what the future holds for us so no point in giving it undue thought.

Today I talk to George, in my mind, sometimes aloud, I invite him with me, I draw from everything I learned from him, I console myself with the thought that at least ONCE in this life I had it all and it was everything!

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16 hours ago, Michelene said:

People ask me what my plans are for summer break, what am I "looking forward to..." Um...nothing? Do they not understand that most of the" looking forward to" people do has to do with sharing? Sharing happiness, struggles, laughs...I'm not looking forward to anything, because I won't get to SHARE it. I think, well, at least I will get to do this...or that, but looking forward to it, not really. I don't like LOOKING FORWARD at all. 

Exactly!!!!!!!

The post on swearing made me chuckle!  I noticed an increase and I try to keep it in check publicly Wayne does get a few directed to him.....often!

 

 

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Lately I’ve been having the dream again. The one where Kayla is back. In the dream, she did die or I thought she did but it was some kind of mistake and she’s alive again. Then I wake up and of course I’m alone. My brain is getting to the point where to trick me in the dream, Kayla is telling me that it isn’t a dream. Promising she’ll be there when I wake up. It’s breaking my heart all over again every day.

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Djh, I am with you there about the dreams where it seems that they are back in our lives and everything is normal again.I hate those dreams; they upset me terribly and I feel rattled for days after.I dont dream about Steve much and I am glad about that.

I want him back in my life for real.I dont want him back only in my dreams.Today is  21 months since he died.So many months but it still feels so fresh.

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Perhaps she's letting you know she does still exist and is still with you.  Even though they aren't here in physical form...sometimes we need reassurance, reminders that they do still exist, it seems so long since they've been here and held us.

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16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Lately I’ve been having the dream again. The one where Kayla is back. In the dream, she did die or I thought she did but it was some kind of mistake and she’s alive again. Then I wake up and of course I’m alone. My brain is getting to the point where to trick me in the dream, Kayla is telling me that it isn’t a dream. Promising she’ll be there when I wake up. It’s breaking my heart all over again every day.

I have these kind of dreams so many time where I was complaining to him how our friends disappear, I was begging him to stay, I was angry on him how did you left me, he lost somewhere and I found him back but when I open my eyes it sucks it really sucks. Reality hits really hard that time, I can live my whole life in sleep if I can live my life with him in dreams.

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19 hours ago, Tineke H said:

Djh, I am with you there about the dreams where it seems that they are back in our lives and everything is normal again.I hate those dreams; they upset me terribly and I feel rattled for days after.I dont dream about Steve much and I am glad about that.

I want him back in my life for real.I dont want him back only in my dreams.Today is  21 months since he died.So many months but it still feels so fresh.

I love the dreams. It’s the only place I get to see her now. It’s the waking up I can’t stand

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5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I have these kind of dreams so many time where I was complaining to him how our friends disappear, I was begging him to stay, I was angry on him how did you left me, he lost somewhere and I found him back but when I open my eyes it sucks it really sucks. Reality hits really hard that time, I can live my whole life in sleep if I can live my life with him in dreams.

That’s how I feel too. I wish I could just sleep forever since that’s when we’re together again

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Djh, I misunderstood you.I thought you did not like /want the dreams.But I see what you mean: 'In the dream you see her again.she moves, she breathes,everything is normal'.

When I dream about Steve, while I am dreaming,I already know that it is a dream and that it is not for real.I know he is dead and something is not right,so I am not enjoying the dream.And then the waking up in a big empty bed.I hate it.

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Speaking of dreams, I just ran across this, thought it might be of interest...

 

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