Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Don't know what to say


Djh0901kc

Recommended Posts

  • Members
1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I use to sleep at 11 pm each night.   Lately, I've been starting to hop into bed at around 9:30 - 10:00 pm.... and it's getting a bit earlier each week.   This week, I'm feeling the itch to move my bed time up to 9:00 am.   I just don't have any reason to stay up longer.   Going to bed/sleep (which surprisingly I can do without any problems), takes me away from my daily misery.

I know exactly what you mean.  Early nights are the norm now.  I'm usually in bed by around 8, watch something stupid on the tablet for 45 minutes or so and then go straight to sleep.  I don't feel the pain when I'm asleep so I try and do it much as possible.   It's quite strange how sleep is coming easier to me now than it ever has before - as long as I make sure I put pillows all down the length of Clive's side of the bed so it feels as I he's still there.

I remember being a kid and hating early bedtimes. Now I'd sleep 24/7 if I could.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 921
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Members
7 hours ago, Azipod said:

Going to bed/sleep (which surprisingly I can do without any problems), takes me away from my daily misery.

This is totally me, I can sleep without any problem , its my way to away from this sadness, loneliness. Before this we used to sleep around 9:30 pm to 10 pm but now I go to bed around 7pm and try to sleep. I just wants to avoid thoughts, loneliness because it kills me inside.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
19 hours ago, Azipod said:

It would be great if I can take up some of that time by working.

And yet...if we try to keep so busy that we avoid our grief...well that doesn't work either.  It's stored up and there's no escaping it, it will find us, it will seep in to those still moments at a red light, or our commute home from work, it will hit us during the night, it will still be reckoned with, it's still there for us to contend with.  I met someone who avoided grieving the death of his fiance, and 17 years later, he was married with kids, and guess what?  His grief hit him like a bolt of lightening.  It doesn't disappear because we don't make time for it, it stores up with a vengeance.  No avoiding it.  But we feel better when we're keeping busy, when our minds aren't on it, so that's what we have a tendency to do.  We want to feel better.  We don't want to do what we have to do to make our way through this, it's painful.  But damned if it doesn't find us anyway!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
19 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

This is totally me, I can sleep without any problem , its my way to away from this sadness, loneliness. Before this we used to sleep around 9:30 pm to 10 pm but now I go to bed around 7pm and try to sleep. I just wants to avoid thoughts, loneliness because it kills me inside.

Going to bed at 7pm is quite early!   Are you an early riser?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 hours ago, KayC said:

And yet...if we try to keep so busy that we avoid our grief...well that doesn't work either.  It's stored up and there's no escaping it, it will find us, it will seep in to those still moments at a red light, or our commute home from work, it will hit us during the night, it will still be reckoned with, it's still there for us to contend with.  I met someone who avoided grieving the death of his fiance, and 17 years later, he was married with kids, and guess what?  His grief hit him like a bolt of lightening.  It doesn't disappear because we don't make time for it, it stores up with a vengeance.  No avoiding it.  But we feel better when we're keeping busy, when our minds aren't on it, so that's what we have a tendency to do.  We want to feel better.  We don't want to do what we have to do to make our way through this, it's painful.  But damned if it doesn't find us anyway!

I totally agree with you avoiding our grief is not a solution I did and felt quite painful when i realized what I did. Please ensure to take out some time for your grief too and let it get processed.

Good you all are able to sleep at 7,8, or 9. I tried but still can't sleep more than 5 yours so decided to sleep around 2:30-3 at night as I wake up around 7:30. Earlier when she was here I could sleep 12 hours straight provided I can touch her. Damn this widowhood.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/10/2017 at 2:53 PM, Skywise said:

I know exactly what you mean.  Early nights are the norm now.  I'm usually in bed by around 8, watch something stupid on the tablet for 45 minutes or so and then go straight to sleep.  I don't feel the pain when I'm asleep so I try and do it much as possible.   It's quite strange how sleep is coming easier to me now than it ever has before - as long as I make sure I put pillows all down the length of Clive's side of the bed so it feels as I he's still there.

I remember being a kid and hating early bedtimes. Now I'd sleep 24/7 if I could.

THIS is me. But then I wake up and remember he's gone and that's very painful.

Just wondering what those of you that took an extended bereavement leave from work did to feel like you were ready to go back. It'll be four weeks this Friday and I can't think about going back, now, or ever. It would mean returning to the place where he passed and reliving past trauma.

Also, I've spoken to a few mediums and they have been helpful. I believe in the afterlife, but I also believe in God -- not strictly religious (raised Catholic), more spiritual since his passing now. He was really special and the message they all gave me was to stop worrying about him and start worrying about me because I'm the one who's in pain right now. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, lovingstill said:

THIS is me. But then I wake up and remember he's gone and that's very painful.

Just wondering what those of you that took an extended bereavement leave from work did to feel like you were ready to go back. It'll be four weeks this Friday and I can't think about going back, now, or ever. It would mean returning to the place where he passed and reliving past trauma.

Also, I've spoken to a few mediums and they have been helpful. I believe in the afterlife, but I also believe in God -- not strictly religious (raised Catholic), more spiritual since his passing now. He was really special and the message they all gave me was to stop worrying about him and start worrying about me because I'm the one who's in pain right now. 

Going back to work is a big, but positive step for your recovery.  Having structure, responsibilities, and other things to temporarily allow your mind to shift to other thoughts will be helpful.  Whenever you feel ready, I would suggest that you take the step to do it.  It will be painful.  It will somewhat odd to face other co-workers, because most of them will say something stupid or otherwise unhelpful.   But going back to work will help you take one of thousands of steps to try to go back to one aspect of your life.

When we experience a profound loss such as losing a partner, there are "portals" from the other side that opens up.  The veil between our world is thin at times, and certainly when we suffer a loss of someone important.   Unfortunately, not all can recognize these portals.   I was never spiritual or believed in the afterlife in the past.  However, since my wife's passing, I've had a number of unusual experiences which confirms for me of her existence, and that she is still around to comfort me.   It helps me cope, but it is far from a solution to this life crisis.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
20 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Going back to work is a big, but positive step for your recovery.  Having structure, responsibilities, and other things to temporarily allow your mind to shift to other thoughts will be helpful.  Whenever you feel ready, I would suggest that you take the step to do it.  It will be painful.  It will somewhat odd to face other co-workers, because most of them will say something stupid or otherwise unhelpful.   But going back to work will help you take one of thousands of steps to try to go back to one aspect of your life.

When we experience a profound loss such as losing a partner, there are "portals" from the other side that opens up.  The veil between our world is thin at times, and certainly when we suffer a loss of someone important.   Unfortunately, not all can recognize these portals.   I was never spiritual or believed in the afterlife in the past.  However, since my wife's passing, I've had a number of unusual experiences which confirms for me of her existence, and that she is still around to comfort me.   It helps me cope, but it is far from a solution to this life crisis.

Understood, but I have no family or friends out there. We’d just moved, this summer,  across the country for his job, so I left my job, in part, because I needed to be with “my people.” Any suggestions? 

I believe in the afterlife and have read a couple of books that have helped me realize he’s around. I’ve also been participating in Craig Hogan’s communication research to try and connect, which has helped. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 hours ago, Azipod said:

Going to bed at 7pm is quite early!   Are you an early riser?

Yes its too early but this is the only way to avoid thoughts.  I woke up at 5:30 am for office , my shift starts at 7 am.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think the only way through is to not avoid those thoughts.  I know that they hurt, a lot.  Mine do too.  If you avoid it's eventually going to get a lot worse. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Avoidance is not a solution, it will catch up with us.  I have heard of a technique about meting out our grief.  That is, allowing ourselves to ponder them and cry at a certain time of day, say 7:30 to 8:00 pm.  I never had to do this, my grief hit me pretty much all the time.  I had to try to shelve it as much as I could while at work, but even so, it hit me and I'd have to go to the bathroom and cry.  Fortunately, my boss was understanding.  But for the most part, I pushed through and tried to do my job.  When I was home, I was frantic, I needed to talk to someone, I needed someone to listen, but no one was there, my friends all disappeared on me early on, so did his.  My sisters would listen but they had their husbands and their lives, I knew I couldn't overly impose on them.  It's very hard.

My problem wasn't going to sleep too early or sleeping too much, I had the opposite problem, I couldn't sleep.  It wasn't unheard of for me to get one, two hours sleep a night.  If anyone is going through that, I would recommend seeing your doctor and getting sleeping pills.  It's very hard to go to work and do an effective job when you haven't had enough sleep!  I tried toughing it out too much, I should have gotten help and I can see that looking back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I don't know how to describe this but I woke up today feeling good.  I have no sorrow, no overwhelming grief. No nothing really.  I still have, as Bob Dylan called it, that 'corkscrew to my heart' feeling, but thats become such an integral part of me now that I don't remember ever being without it and I think it'll be there for the rest of my life.

But the rest of me feels, I don't know, just good and peaceful.  And that's making me feel so guilty.  Am I already getting over Clive? How can that possibly be right?  Does it make me a sociopath - someone who's incapable of feeling normal emotions?  It's only been 45 days, I shouldn't be feeling like this should I?

In a twisted sort of way, feeling 'normal' is making me feel worse than when I'm helpless with grief.  I feel like such a bad and callous person.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 minutes ago, Skywise said:

I don't know how to describe this but I woke up today feeling good.  I have no sorrow, no overwhelming grief. No nothing really.  I still have, as Bob Dylan called it, that 'corkscrew to my heart' feeling, but thats become such an integral part of me now that I don't remember ever being without it and I think it'll be there for the rest of my life.

But the rest of me feels, I don't know, just good and peaceful.  And that's making me feel so guilty.  Am I already getting over Clive? How can that possibly be right?  Does it make me a sociopath - someone who's incapable of feeling normal emotions?  It's only been 45 days, I shouldn't be feeling like this should I?

In a twisted sort of way, feeling 'normal' is making me feel worse than when I'm helpless with grief.  I feel like such a bad and callous person.

 

I've had a few episodes of this.  The unrelenting grief sometimes will decide to give you a "breather" -- and usually it happens for reason at all.   It was a very welcoming feeling when it was the first time I had this.  I had been beaten and battered for what seems like eternity that it felt so nice to finally be able to walk without having to carry 50-lbs on grief on my shoulder.    

Grief though, comes and goes.  There is no pattern to it.  It will go up and down.  Don't worry about feeling guilty -- you should not.   The grief will return.  The positive side is that you're getting a break... and when the next wave of grief comes, you'll be ready because you've already been through the initial wave.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks Azipod. It's a relief to know that I haven't completely lost it!  I suppose I'll just have a glass of wine then and cuddle our cat and try to relax while I still feel like this - it sounds like the weight will be back soon enough.  Good night, Hun.  I hope you sleep well.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On ‎12‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 3:57 PM, KavitaHubby said:

I totally agree with you avoiding our grief is not a solution I did and felt quite painful when i realized what I did. Please ensure to take out some time for your grief too and let it get processed.

Good you all are able to sleep at 7,8, or 9. I tried but still can't sleep more than 5 yours so decided to sleep around 2:30-3 at night as I wake up around 7:30. Earlier when she was here I could sleep 12 hours straight provided I can touch her. Damn this widowhood.

 

 

Mirror image here KavitaHubby. This is me. I can feel exhausted and still lay in the bed awake. I used to feel happy and content when we were snuggled up together. Now, I can't get comfortable; not without Lauri and I snuggled up together.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, Skywise said:

I don't know how to describe this but I woke up today feeling good.  I have no sorrow, no overwhelming grief. No nothing really.  I still have, as Bob Dylan called it, that 'corkscrew to my heart' feeling, but thats become such an integral part of me now that I don't remember ever being without it and I think it'll be there for the rest of my life.

But the rest of me feels, I don't know, just good and peaceful.  And that's making me feel so guilty.  Am I already getting over Clive? How can that possibly be right?  Does it make me a sociopath - someone who's incapable of feeling normal emotions?  It's only been 45 days, I shouldn't be feeling like this should I?

In a twisted sort of way, feeling 'normal' is making me feel worse than when I'm helpless with grief.  I feel like such a bad and callous person.

 

Hi sky,

That feeling is very normal to us.your very lucky if it becomes permanent but I doubt it..been there, done that.your grief is giving you some time to take a break on this journey..this is the time that you can do something productive or fun. Or you can also start to do a possible long term project that you can anytime you feel like doing it. Cherish and remember this moment so everytime you feel very down, you can say to yourself that "its not always like this forever"...

I'm aproaching the 4th month.I'm still lonely and no direction and still cry almost everyday..but I'm starting to be functional. There are also time that I find myself smiling to some conversations and then suddenly feel bad and guilty..

It's a long and very different journey that we are traveling right now..sending you lots of strength..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 07/12/2017 at 1:55 AM, Djh0901kc said:

I can’t stop thinking about Sally and how jealous I am of her that she’s free

I know exactly how you feel mate..mine is approaching the 4th month..we never stop thinking about the love of our life.never..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, Freewill said:

I know exactly how you feel mate..mine is approaching the 4th month..we never stop thinking about the love of our life.never..

You are correct.  As much healing, comfort, or otherwise recovery we gain, we will still miss them like crazy. There will forever be emptiness and a void inside our hearts.   I always thought the initial months would be the brunt of the pain.  Now I realize that it actually gets more difficult (albeit different) as time goes on.   I'm literally dying slowly as the initial shock/denial wears off.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
15 hours ago, Skywise said:

I don't know how to describe this but I woke up today feeling good.  I have no sorrow, no overwhelming grief. No nothing really.  I still have, as Bob Dylan called it, that 'corkscrew to my heart' feeling, but thats become such an integral part of me now that I don't remember ever being without it and I think it'll be there for the rest of my life.

But the rest of me feels, I don't know, just good and peaceful.  And that's making me feel so guilty.  Am I already getting over Clive? How can that possibly be right?  Does it make me a sociopath - someone who's incapable of feeling normal emotions?  It's only been 45 days, I shouldn't be feeling like this should I?

In a twisted sort of way, feeling 'normal' is making me feel worse than when I'm helpless with grief.  I feel like such a bad and callous person.

 

No, you're not "over him", not by any means.  Once in a while our body gives us a break.  No need to feel guilty, we NEED a respite, no matter how short lived!  I learned to accept it, embrace it for however long it lasts before the next wave knocks you down again.

You are not callous or bad.  Apparently your body felt you needed a break.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I can’t believe it’s Christmas. The 17th was six months since Kayla died and it still doesn’t feel quite real. Despite my utter terror of what it would do to me, I’ve gone to shopping malls a couple times in the last week. I thought if I could throw myself into the deep end as it were maybe it would help. All the people, the music, the Christmas energy. I’ve never felt so much like an alien. All these people going about their lives and looking forward to something I’ll never enjoy again. I hope everyone has the best holiday possible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Djh,

You're braver than me, I've avoid shopping malls like the plague.  I buy on line or send money.  I can't handle the large crowds, traffic, hype, George would have hated it.  I guess he rubbed off on me!

I wish everyone the best possible day tomorrow.  If you're traveling, drive safe and careful!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

We liked the hustle and bustle. I miss her so much. Lately I’ve been consumed with the fear that I’ll start forgetting things. Our little inside jokes or songs or just anything. I’ve been keeping a file open on my phone and writing down everything that comes into my mind. As someone who has been doing this for so long does that happen? Do you forget things?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I don’t want to let any part of her go. If there’s something only she and I knew and I forget it then it’s gone forever and so is another part of her. I think I might be losing my mind but I’m so afraid to forget anything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Djh,  You are not losing your mind. There are times I think I am too. This world is getting crazier all the time with the hate, political nonsense and crime. If us grievers were totally losing it, we would be in jail for contributing to those other crimes. Instead, we are stuck inside our own sadness and agony. Our own little bubble existence of pain that we keep to ourselves.

I don't feel we are going to forget the good memories. They are tucked away in our brains and hearts forever. Our grieving is just temporarily blocking some of those memories.  Writing things down does help. I keep a note book for memories, even the tiniest moment that flickers in my mind.

Take care and I hope Kayla sends you a special feeling of love,warmth and comfort, tonight and tomorrow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
5 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don’t want to let any part of her go. If there’s something only she and I knew and I forget it then it’s gone forever and so is another part of her. I think I might be losing my mind but I’m so afraid to forget anything.

I feel the same way at times. When I think I may have forgotten something it always comes back to my mind.

Today is so difficult. We should be together with her kids and my son at her parents’ home for celebration. I am not welcome there so I’ll see her kids after Christmas. This all just hurts so much. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
30 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I feel the same way at times. When I think I may have forgotten something it always comes back to my mind.

Today is so difficult. We should be together with her kids and my son at her parents’ home for celebration. I am not welcome there so I’ll see her kids after Christmas. This all just hurts so much. 

Today, Christmas eve has been tough.   The whole thing is just so sad.   I just keeping saying FML.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Today, Christmas eve has been tough.   The whole thing is just so sad.   I just keeping saying FML.

Totally agree.

Paluka  and Azipod,   Hugs and prayers to you both.  These 2 days will pass and we will survive them. It is all we can do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 12/24/2017 at 11:21 AM, Djh0901kc said:

As someone who has been doing this for so long does that happen? Do you forget things?

No, I haven't forgotten anything about him, our time together, it's all indelibly etched into my brain.  But in the early days I had grief fog so no telling what I knew or didn't know then.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/25/2017 at 6:38 AM, Azipod said:

Today, Christmas eve has been tough.   The whole thing is just so sad.   I just keeping saying FML.

Hugs for you, from me and My Goli.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Tomorrow I enter a new part of this grief journey -- it has been a month and I'll be spending the night at his twin sister's house before moving on to his parents' house. We haven't seen each other in a bit-- I last saw his sister at her wedding in September, and his parents stayed with us for a weekend, just two weeks before he passed. I feel the emotions welling up as I haven't yet had the opportunity to grieve with people who knew him the way I did. We knew nobody as we'd just moved across the country to our new home, and our respective friends were work related and not yet at all integrated. I am already anxious about going to sleep tonight because it means I have to face the other people who loved him most, and they'll have to see me -- the last person (besides the medics) to ever see him alive.

I didn't really understand that grief comes in waves things until tonight. My emotions are out of whack. The service is this weekend, and I have something prepared to say, but now I'm anxious that I won't be able to -- I feel like he gave me the strength to write it. I think I channeled him to write what he would have wanted me to write and say, and to try and bring joy to others in a moment of such intense grief.

Again, I feel like my life is over. I've lost the will to go on without him...I was getting better, and it just got worse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

lovingstill,

Ask him to give you strength to say the words he helped you write, he'll come to you and strengthen you, I've felt that happen countless times since George died.

I hope your visit with his sister and with his parents goes well for you and brings you some comfort in knowing you all love and miss the same person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 hours ago, lovingstill said:

I didn't really understand that grief comes in waves things until tonight. My emotions are out of whack.

Again, I feel like my life is over. I've lost the will to go on without him...I was getting better, and it just got worse.

The waves and come and go.  Each wave is different from the prior.   Things will get worse before it gets better.  I didn't really know what this meant until I experienced it myself.  You feel worse because grief is cyclical -- it comes in waves as you said.  So the fact that you are sometimes feeling the waves, and sometimes bigger waves, is the evidence that you are progressing along the grief journey.  You are not stuck.  Yes.  It does get painful, but there's no way out of it.   There will be very rough days, and that's just how it's going to be.  One of the things that can be helpful is know that you would be able to deal with it... because you have already been dealing with it.  So no matter what kind of waves come, you know you've went through it before and you would just have to ride it out.

The other day, I read a response from another grief blog. The person said something about how grief will come and revisit us during certain times of our life.  The grief revisits us so that we can face it again.  We don't face the grief as the person we did when our partners died.  We don't face the grief as the person we are today.  We face the grief as the person we've developed ourselves to be over time (may that be months of years).   So going through grief isn't goign to be a one time event.  It will be a lifetime challenge.  The grief monster will visit us throughout our lifetime and we would have to face it again.   We will be tested, over and over again.  Think of it as having to re-take your SATs every few years (or months!) for the rest of your life.

That's just what grief is... and nothing is going to change that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

One of the reasons we mention the waves is so you don't get caught off guard and think it will always feel as it does at that moment.  I've learned to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and get through it, not fight it, nor be frightened by it, it won't stay in this level of intensity forever.  Little by little you will begin to adjust to your altered life, I know it seems hard to believe, but our bodies are pretty amazing and resilient.  I never would have believed it if anyone would have told me, when I was new in my grief I wanted to died, I didn't think I could handle it, but here I am 12 years later.  One day at a time...none of us may feel we can do the "whole rest of our lives" but we can do this day.  Then we get up and do it all over again.  Hang in there!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
21 minutes ago, KayC said:

One of the reasons we mention the waves is so you don't get caught off guard and think it will always feel as it does at that moment.  I've learned to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and get through it, not fight it, nor be frightened by it, it won't stay in this level of intensity forever.  Little by little you will begin to adjust to your altered life, I know it seems hard to believe, but our bodies are pretty amazing and resilient.  

KayC is absolutely correct about this.  The waves will come, but they will always go too.   I still get hit with waves a number of times each week, but I've always been able to manage it.  They are painful.  But the duration of the waves are much shorter than what I've expreienced in the past.   As we evolve through our grief, sometimes it's not so much of the waves that bother us anymore. For me, I'm currently working on changing my mindset ---  my mindset that my life is worthless and that it's not worth continuing if I have to do this without my wife.   While I know that with time, i can be happy again.... but the challenge is that I don't really want to be happy, at least not without my wife.   And that's what I'm working on.   It's really not so much of the waves of grief --- it's still there.  It's readily appearant.  But it's not my primary challenge --- at least not this week!

Dont worry about the waves too much.   It will change with time.  You focus and healing may shift to other aspects down the road.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
19 hours ago, Azipod said:

While I know that with time, i can be happy again.... but the challenge is that I don't really want to be happy, at least not without my wife. 

It's amazing how much we have to process, and this is another of those things we need to fully process...the realization that it's not only okay to be happy without them but to be coveted.  Somehow we feel in our minds that if we're happy, it means we aren't doing justice by them.  But there comes a time to realize that it is not our grief that holds us to them, but our love, and our love continues whether we are happy or sad.  We are going to have times of being extremely sad, but we'll also have happy moments, it's good to learn to embrace them.  It means we're proceeding as best as we can.  I know they wouldn't want us to be sad all the time, but I am just as certain they would understand our sadness.  Even though they didn't have to go through this themselves, they know us well and somehow I think they're going through this right by our side.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I thought if I got through the holidays somehow life would magically get easier. Now they’re gone but nothing is better at all. I wish I could be like some of you that seem so positive and can find happiness in small things. I feel like I’m falling deeper into this hole. More tired. More sad. More lonely.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
34 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I thought if I got through the holidays somehow life would magically get easier. Now they’re gone but nothing is better at all. I wish I could be like some of you that seem so positive and can find happiness in small things. I feel like I’m falling deeper into this hole. More tired. More sad. More lonely.

I had expected the same as well.  With the holidays over and now into 2018, it just feels like crap to get into a new year without my wife.  Does life get easier?  Possibly.  But I don't think it gets better.... For me, life will never be better without my wife.  Better is all relative.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Being positive and finding joy in the little things is not due to our personalities or something we're born with, it's a choice, a determination, it's something anyone can practice, you just decide to do so and then look over your day and try to find something good in it.  In time this practice comes easier, like anything, it takes discipline and effort.  Some days it's a struggle to find anything good, then we just have to look harder and embrace even smaller "good".  You can call it joy, happiness, good, whatever, basically it's just something good in our life, no matter how small...good is never too trivial to count.  It develops the art of appreciation and gratefulness and living in the present.  This is so important to grievers because it's easy to miss what good there is *wallowing in what "isn't" anymore.  It's harmful to compare our life with what we lost, it's obvious, we can't escape seeing it, but to dwell on or focus on our loss is self-destructive to our present state of mind and living situation.  Believe me when I say this is easier said than done.  That's why I call it "practice".  There's times we suck at it.  Keep trying anyway!  ;)


*and we've all "wallowed", that's what comes naturally!  Not that we can 100% escape it, there's days that are harder, like around the holidays, but it's up to us to pull ourselves out of it...no one else will or can do this for us!  (and I'm not speaking of any of you, I'm remembering my experience...)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 1/5/2018 at 11:15 AM, Azipod said:

I had expected the same as well.  With the holidays over and now into 2018, it just feels like crap to get into a new year without my wife.  Does life get easier?  Possibly.  But I don't think it gets better.... For me, life will never be better without my wife.  Better is all relative.

How do you go on, knowing that? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I don’t think any of us here would agree that life gets ‘better’.  The best I can say is that life has got a ‘little easier’ - only in the fact that over two years I have got used to living alone and I no longer expect to see my darling in any of the places I used to see him and I can go to the shop without feeling his absence.  I can socialise with friends and neighbours now’n again for ‘short periods’ ok,  but am still overcome with grief upon returning home.  

I do have less acute grief attacks and cry less often, but all other aspects of my life are still very, very much harder to cope with.   

What gets me out of bed in the morning ? The ongoing fight for justice for my darlings death, handing back shame to the sloppy professionals in the legal world who did not represent my darling or myself in the way they should have and supporting others who are new to widowhood. 

None of my old interests have returned.  It’s a sad old life I lead now but am fortunate to have the support of great friends, most who live out of the area, but who come and stay a couple of nights now’n again and ph often.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I'd have to say it is better than it was at first, but like Azipod said, it's all relative.  Nothing could be as horrendous to me as those early days, the shock, the pain was so great I don't know how I lived through it quite honestly.  I think in feeling it's better it doesn't mean it's all well, it doesn't mean it's great, it will never be like it was, but it's more bearable and I'm more used to it.  I've learned tips to helps me do life.  It's been hard, not sure it gets any easier, it's a struggle, but I keep going.  Maybe we all view words differently.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I have been thinking about starting to take antidepressants. I know a lot of people say not to while grieving so I was just curious if anyone had any opinions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It’s well worth discussing medication with your GP, Djh.  Consults with a GP are part of practising self care.  

Before our court case, my GP prescribed Propranolol which is supposed to help with anxiety,  but it didn’t work for me.  I’ve recently had a change of sleeping tablet, which thank god, is helping me get more sleep. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/24/2017 at 10:25 AM, KayC said:

 

You're braver than me, I've avoid shopping malls like the plague.  I buy on line or send money.  I can't handle the large crowds, traffic, hype, George would have hated it.  I guess he rubbed off on me!

I was prescribed Citalopram soon after his death. I was in the deepest stages of grief. What I found was that when it "wore off," I just burst into a ball of tears all over again. I'm all for mental health support and help, but I also wanted to...as crazy as it sounds...feel what I was feeling all the time, if I had to feel it at all. I didn't give it much time at all, to be honest with you -- maybe two weeks. I stopped soon after.

I don't like crowds or traffic or hype. I never have. And I still don't really go out, but I'm more functional now, with the help of meditation and some self-help books. I will never be cured. When you lose the love of your life, I don't think anything can really help you besides them coming back... :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 minute ago, lovingstill said:

I was prescribed Citalopram soon after his death. I was in the deepest stages of grief. What I found was that when it "wore off," I just burst into a ball of tears all over again. I'm all for mental health support and help, but I also wanted to...as crazy as it sounds...feel what I was feeling all the time, if I had to feel it at all. I didn't give it much time at all, to be honest with you -- maybe two weeks. I stopped soon after.

I don't like crowds or traffic or hype. I never have. And I still don't really go out, but I'm more functional now, with the help of meditation and some self-help books. I will never be cured. When you lose the love of your life, I don't think anything can really help you besides them coming back... :(

I don’t think I will ever be cured as well.  It’s Friday night and I hopped into bed at 7:30pm.  What’s the point for me to stay up? There’s nothing to live for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 minute ago, Azipod said:

I don’t think I will ever be cured as well.  It’s Friday night and I hopped into bed at 7:30pm.  What’s the point for me to stay up? There’s nothing to live for.

Just noticed the quote in your signature and wanted to tell you it resonated with me. I cling on to the possibility that he exists elsewhere and that we'll be reunited. Am I crazy? I talk to him every day, I ask him for guidance, I tell him I love him. He's dead. I know he's dead, but I also think he's with me. In the very, very beginning, I couldn't sleep. Then all I could do was sleep because when I was asleep was the only time I didn't know that he was gone.

I meditate now -- and I need to share -- I'm hyperactive, diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, very functional as both child and adult but went to be a non-ADHD control for a clinical trial and didn't qualify because of the ADHD I didn't even know I had. I try to meditate and find guided meditations to "meet spirit loved ones." I've done everything to try to be connected. In short, I can't even meditate because I'm too hyperactive...but I'm trying because I'm dying to have at least one other moment with him. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lovingstill, you’re not crazy at all for thinking your partner exists elsewhere and is giving you guidance. Hold tight to those beliefs.  I’m sorry  you have ADHD.  That would make meditation difficult, but I’m glad you can sleep OK.  Perhaps look for shorter meditation videos. 

I nearly always nod off whilst listening to hypno and meditation videos,  but the silence when they finish wakes me up. Today a friend suggested I look for a setting so it keeps replaying.  Don’t know why I hadn’t thought of doing that! 

We so need our minds to have frequent breaks from continue stress and ruminating.  

Azipod, no we will never be cured from our loss, we will carry our hurt and our love for our partners forever in our hearts, but hopefully one day find some pleasure in life again. 

Although I have a purpose in the wake of my darlings death and this purpose gets me out of bed each morning, the enthusiasm of a new day, died with him.  Grief is very demanding.  Everything I do takes great effort and energy and I don’t imagine it being any different for any other member of our wee grief family, here on the forum. 

But, there does come a time when we need to make an effort to take notice of our lives, our surroundings and acknowledge anything that may even slightly lighten our day - our empty, day to day existence.  I’ve seen a couple of glorious sunrises lately and remembered with love times when my darling would wake me if he saw good colour in the dawn sky, so I could go to one of my pre-planned possies to photograph it.  More often than not he’d have coffee in my thermos ready to grab on my way out the door.  When we renovated we had a window placed to best see the dawn sky from our bed.  Maybe one day I will chase the light again, or perhaps the interest will never return. Either way, I am again marvelling at the beauty of the sky.

 Hang in there guys.  Life gets a little easier to bear so very gradually that we don’t recognise it’s happening.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
6 hours ago, Azipod said:

I don’t think I will ever be cured as well.  It’s Friday night and I hopped into bed at 7:30pm.  What’s the point for me to stay up? There’s nothing to live for.

I was on bed since 6pm on Friday evening and had little drink. I was thinking to start drinks but I was stopping myself, I don't like drinks not its taste but  don't know why i drank last night, I just wanted to take revenge but no idea from whom. Sometime i just wants to spoil my self, my life , everything around me. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
20 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I have been thinking about starting to take antidepressants. I know a lot of people say not to while grieving so I was just curious if anyone had any opinions.

I regret not taking my doctor up on his offer of sleep medication because I got very little sleep, it was hard to function because of it.  I didn't want to take something temporary for a permanent problem, but what I didn't realize was that in the early months especially we might need extra help getting through it and give ourselves time to adjust to our new life.

I'm on anti-anxiety medicine for my GAD, which grief worsened, but it's the lowest dose and I probably could stand something stronger.

As for anti-depressants, the counselor who is my mentor says grief isn't the same as being clinically depressed and it's like masking the real problem, that we need to deal with the grief.  True enough, but as claribassist13 pointed out once, sometimes our brain can be altered with grief so that we might benefit from antidepressants.  These articles shed a little light on the subject:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/06/using-medication-to-manage-grief.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/interview-are-we-medicating-normal.html

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/03/bereavement-and-snorting-seaweed.html

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
8 hours ago, M88 said:

But, there does come a time when we need to make an effort to take notice of our lives, our surroundings and acknowledge anything that may even slightly lighten our day - our empty, day to day existence.  I’ve seen a couple of glorious sunrises lately and remembered with love times when my darling would wake me if he saw good colour in the dawn sky, so I could go to one of my pre-planned possies to photograph it.  More often than not he’d have coffee in my thermos ready to grab on my way out the door.  When we renovated we had a window placed to best see the dawn sky from our bed.  Maybe one day I will chase the light again, or perhaps the interest will never return. Either way, I am again marvelling at the beauty of the sky.

 Hang in there guys.  Life gets a little easier to bear so very gradually that we don’t recognise it’s happening.  

I couldn't say Amen to this enough!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.