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Djh0901kc

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

If there was anything she would leave me it WOULD be a brown hair.

Kayla knows what you loved about her. What better than a strand of her hair for a sign? Trust Kayla in sending you a sign that she knows you would recognize. Our loved ones spirit and the afterlife IS real. They ARE alive, just in another dimension of life. They can do many amazing things. TRUST and BELIEVE!!

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3 hours ago, Paluka said:

I am not one to take things on Faith alone. I never have been. However, Lauri’s death has forced me to confront aspects of life and death that I never have before. Yes, I had a tiny bit of belief that there was some form of afterlife. Now, I know there is another level of existence and I wish I could at least visit there to see Lauri. 

I hope that finding Kayla’s hair allows you some peace and hope that you’ll be reunited some day. 

That's exactly what happened to me.  Prior to my wife's passing, I was one of those folks who poked fun at "woo-woo" people who believed in anything more than the physical body.

Then unusual things started to happen to me almost immediately after my wife's passing.  There were multiple instances, most of all were completely unexplainable.  And just when I decided to accept the possibility and told myself to become "open-minded," then that was when I received MORE signs followed by my 1st ever visitation.

To this date, I still feel my wife's prescence inside the house and lately, my hair/head has been rubbed frequently.  Yes, I know this sounds weird, but it's comforting me and I've never had these sensations in the past.

Also, last night I received a "soft" visitation from my wife.  I woke up this morning with an abandoned bicycle left at the front of my walkway. (Let's just say no one abandons a bicycle here because you would have to walk far far away to where you need to go).   Incidentally, last night I also received a dream with my wife there -- though it was not nearly as vivid as the 1st visitation.   I am accepting that my wife stopped by last night to see me while my spirit was in the astral realm.     She came to visit me because today I participated in a particular fundraiser walk for an illness --- an illness which took my wife's life.   It all makes sense (to me).    

I'm a believer.   My wife is still around --- just in a different form.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

 

I'm a believer.   My wife is still around --- just in a different form.

I am a believer too. Prior to my husband's passing I saw a lot of signs although sometimes I'm thinking maybe my mind was just playing tricks on me . But it kept happening repeatedly from then I just acknowledge and embrace these signs.  In fact while writing this post he's giving me a sign again. I'm watching tv right now but not really paying attention and I told myself that I feel so lonely and that I miss him then my lamp just keep flickering non stop. I texted one of our friends and she won't believe me so I sent a video and she is freaking out right now. It's very comforting I know my husband is always here with me when ever I need him the most. 

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

They can do many amazing things. TRUST and BELIEVE!!

This is very true KMB!

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

I'm a believer.   My wife is still around --- just in a different form.

I am happy for you. They do let us know they are with us.

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1 hour ago, Maria0419 said:

It's very comforting I know my husband is always here with me when ever I need him the most. 

You bet they are!!

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You guys gives me hope that may be my husband also looking me and with me, although I have received many signs from him but still sometime I doubt. From past few days I have not receive any sign or maybe I am not noticing those, but after reading above mentioned experiences I am really hoping that he is with me always.

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21 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

You guys gives me hope that may be my husband also looking me and with me, although I have received many signs from him but still sometime I doubt. From past few days I have not receive any sign or maybe I am not noticing those, but after reading above mentioned experiences I am really hoping that he is with me always.

LoveGoli,

Your husband is with you. It takes a lot of energy for them to send signs. Sometimes, depending on the circumstances, their energy cannot break through. But that doesn’t mean he is not there.

During my earlier weeks, I was so distraught that I did not receive any signs. As soon as I told myself to be open minded, a bunch of them came.  I received 3 signs and a visitation within a week and a half!

The laws in the spirit world do not follow what we do and how we think here on earth. Things over there do not operate on logic and what makes sense. But instead, things are done differently there because it’s a whole different realm.

I can only encourage you to stay open minded, be centered and grounded as often as you can, and meditate. As soon as you believe, things will happen.  Things will happen when you least expect it. Just welcome the signs and they will keep coming.

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23 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

But I can’t explain where the hair came from. It’s impossible. Everything has been washed elsewhere or wasn’t even here while Kayla was alive. It couldn’t have come from anywhere.

I smile at this...I know you are one who likes scientific explanations, but sometimes even science has to admit to some mystery.  We don't know everything, we can't explain everything.  What if, just what IF she is reaching out to you?!

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I smile at this...I know you are one who likes scientific explanations, but sometimes even science has to admit to some mystery.  We don't know everything, we can't explain everything.  What if, just what IF she is reaching out to you?!

I hope so. Desperately.

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2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I hope so. Desperately.

Choose to believe in the power of her love for you and your love for her.

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4 hours ago, Paluka said:

Choose to believe in the power of her love for you and your love for her.

Amen!  They want to communicate and let us know they are still here with us,  just as much as we do.

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I live very much on faith in our love for each other, just as we did when we were building our relationship.  The Bible describes faith as "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Heb. 11:1  That seems to sum it up to me!

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I had another of the dreams where they saved her. They’re crushing any will to live I had left. Every time I wake up it’s like I lost the winning lottery ticket.

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5 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I had another of the dreams where they saved her. They’re crushing any will to live I had left. Every time I wake up it’s like I lost the winning lottery ticket.

Those kind of dreams of Kayla will eventually fade, Djh. Your mind is still processing her loss. I had quite a few dreams where I was taking care of and trying to get my husband all healed and fixed up. They were heart breaking when I woke up and realized none of it was true. Have patience with yourself.  You might still be going through the denial phase, which is confusing and oh, so painful to deal with.

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40 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I just want it to be true so badly.

Of course you do, we all do. That is why it is so hard, and takes so long, to wrap our mind around how a person can be alive one moment and gone the next. It is such an instantaneous, traumatic impact for us to even face. We don't want it to be real, but it is--------   (HUGS)    It took me around 8 months before I fully recognized that my situation was indeed real.

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16 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I’m ready to give up. I can’t stop thinking about her. I just want to be with her

I know exactly how you are feeling, Djh. This is not easy. Maybe this would be the time to begin taking baby steps out of your comfort zone, and trying to place your focus on something else. Going for walks, stopping in to visit others. Even volunteering at an animal shelter, where you can give care and love to the animals. Where you are at in the grieving at this time, distractions are needed to get out of your own head for awhile. It does help. The more often you make these attempts, the less difficult it becomes. (HUGS)

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I know exactly how you are feeling, Djh. This is not easy. Maybe this would be the time to begin taking baby steps out of your comfort zone, and trying to place your focus on something else. Going for walks, stopping in to visit others. Even volunteering at an animal shelter, where you can give care and love to the animals. Where you are at in the grieving at this time, distractions are needed to get out of your own head for awhile. It does help. The more often you make these attempts, the less difficult it becomes. (HUGS)

I go to the movies by myself every week or so. Other than that I just go to work or play video games and watch tv at home. I don’t think I could be around people long enough to do much else.

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19 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I go to the movies by myself every week or so. Other than that I just go to work or play video games and watch tv at home. I don’t think I could be around people long enough to do much else.

I really know what you mean. I have simply stopped caring about what others may think. I cry at work, I cry at church, in the grocery store, even at the gym. I am not going to hide my feelings (happy or sad or lonely) any more. This may make other people uncomfortable but that's just tough. I have lost my true love and soulmate. I will cry for many years to come; at least I'm getting out of the house and trying.

I worked out yesterday. One of my gym friends mentioned that he hadn't seen Lauri with me in a while. I told him the truth. I actually said "Ted, she died 6 weeks ago." I did not know but Ted's son had died 21 years ago. We talked for 30 minutes about what helped him. He told me to call him whenever I wanted to do so. You just never know what others can offer or what they've been through. I'm not being flippant about this either. Ted had tears in his eyes when we talked. What I mean is that by isolating myself I have been depriving myself from some valuable experiences and people who can help me go through this.  

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I just don’t think anyone can help me. Over the past 20 weeks I have talked to all kinds of people. No one has offered me anything other than it will take time or all the same old cliches. The only person who I even think understands is my Grandma. She and my Grandpa were together for 60 years from the time she was 17. She gets it. She knows there’s nothing she can say that will make anything better. And that’s why she’s the only person I can be around for any length of time.

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48 minutes ago, Paluka said:

I really know what you mean. I have simply stopped caring about what others may think. I cry at work, I cry at church, in the grocery store, even at the gym. I am not going to hide my feelings (happy or sad or lonely) any more. This may make other people uncomfortable but that's just tough. I have lost my true love and soulmate. I will cry for many years to come; at least I'm getting out of the house and trying.

I worked out yesterday. One of my gym friends mentioned that he hadn't seen Lauri with me in a while. I told him the truth. I actually said "Ted, she died 6 weeks ago." I did not know but Ted's son had died 21 years ago. We talked for 30 minutes about what helped him. He told me to call him whenever I wanted to do so. You just never know what others can offer or what they've been through. I'm not being flippant about this either. Ted had tears in his eyes when we talked. What I mean is that by isolating myself I have been depriving myself from some valuable experiences and people who can help me go through this.  

Paluka -- I just want to say that I've noticed that you've been really "processing" your grief and I just want to applaud you for that.  I've come across a few of your recent posts and I can surely tell that you are doing a lot of grief work by touching on various aspects of your new (and old) life.    I know things are still very difficult and I'm sure you are still in a fog most of the time.   Being a new member in this grief journey myself, and having to have just emerged from the first of many layers of grief, I can tell that you are going in the right direction.    Keep it up.

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52 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Jesus she’s been gone 20 weeks today. How can that even be possible

I would say the same thing to myself every week. Every single week. How is that possible that another week has gone by? But time has a way of doing that. You have survived for 20 weeks. You will survive for another 20 weeks. And another----- At some point you will look back and see the progress you have made. Little bit by little bit. We don't notice the progress at the time, but when you look back and really start recognizing the changes, you can pat yourself on the back and say to Kayla, " I can keep doing this for you".

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Paluka -- I just want to say that I've noticed that you've been really "processing" your grief and I just want to applaud you for that.  I've come across a few of your recent posts and I can surely tell that you are doing a lot of grief work by touching on various aspects of your new (and old) life.    I know things are still very difficult and I'm sure you are still in a fog most of the time.   Being a new member in this grief journey myself, and having to have just emerged from the first of many layers of grief, I can tell that you are going in the right direction.    Keep it up.

All I know is that I’m trying each day. I pray all the time and I try to be unselfish in my prayers. I talk to Lauri daily, especially in the morning before I get out of bed and at night before I try to get some sleep.  I’ve been waking up earlier than usual and take this time to talk to her. 

Im still hurting every day. It’s miserable but I’m trying to include Lauri as part of my daily life. 

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17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Jesus she’s been gone 20 weeks today. How can that even be possible

I remember in the early part of my grief wondering how in the world the sun could keep on shining!  How could people keep doing the mundane things they do, don't they realize the world just ended!  It's a load we carry ourselves, no one else carries this load in quite the same way we do, even if they knew and loved our person.

I'm glad you have your grandma to understand.  My mom did too, she was widowed 32 years, but I lost her to dementia...then she didn't even remember George, and that broke my heart, and then she too was gone.

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44 minutes ago, KayC said:

I remember in the early part of my grief wondering how in the world the sun could keep on shining!  How could people keep doing the mundane things they do, don't they realize the world just ended!  It's a load we carry ourselves, no one else carries this load in quite the same way we do, even if they knew and loved our person.

I'm glad you have your grandma to understand.  My mom did too, she was widowed 32 years, but I lost her to dementia...then she didn't even remember George, and that broke my heart, and then she too was gone.

My grandma is 95. She and my grandpa basically raised me because my dad died a few months before I was born and my mom worked full time. My grandpa was my best friend and now my grandma means more to me than anything left in the world. Kayla loved her so much. They would cook and sew together. Kayla dying was very hard on my grandma. At the funeral she told Kayla it should have been her that died. It wasn’t right that the 34 year old died and not the 95 year old. I wish it had been me and not either of them. The world would be a better place with me gone and both of them still in it.

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Is it healthy to watch videos of my wife? On one hand seeing her and hearing her voice gives me an insane amount of joy. On the other hand, it also makes it harder for me to accept that the person I’m watching in the video is gone. I’m having a rough time today. 

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Sorry you are having a rough time, Djh.  It is so hard to see beyond our loss. We just miss them SO much. If you want to watch videos of Kayla, go ahead and do what you need to do, for yourself. It is no one's business to determine if it is healthy or not. Videos, photos, memories, are both happy and sad.

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I know everyone is having a hard time. I’m getting better at hiding my sadness from people but I feel like inside I may actually be MORE depressed. I love seeing her so much. But like I said, it’s so hard to accept that she’s gone when I see her in the videos. Thanks for caring KMB. I hope you’re doing as well as possible.

 

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Sorry to join you guys..I also loss my wife, the love of my life, my life, my everything..:( its been about 10weeks.it really hurts every moment of being still alive.the pain is unbearable that I wish I could also die with it!!mine is quite similar to you djh.suddenly loss wife  at the age of 30's.still a long way to go to go.reading your posts help me survive a moment and gives me idea what to expect..i'm glad I found you guys because no one around me will understand I'm going through like you guys.

Lost, lonely, don't know what to do, everything seems so pointless, feeling crazy, scared, nothing make sense anymore except to breath and stay alive..so unfair we have to experience such F!!!!

Please continue posting...this is my only way of survival right now..

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15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Is it healthy to watch videos of my wife? On one hand seeing her and hearing her voice gives me an insane amount of joy. On the other hand, it also makes it harder for me to accept that the person I’m watching in the video is gone. I’m having a rough time today. 

Maybe it's healthy if you can handle it...it allows you to feel your pain, all part of the processing in grief.  On the other hand, only you can decide if it's too painful at the moment.  Perhaps right now it's too hard, perhaps another time you can better handle it, only you can say.  I wish I had a video of my husband.  I think I have a small clip on VHS but I can't get my VCR to work.  I think it's like a double edge sword to watch though.

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12 hours ago, Freewill said:

Sorry to join you guys..I also loss my wife, the love of my life, my life, my everything..:( its been about 10weeks.it really hurts every moment of being still alive.the pain is unbearable that I wish I could also die with it!!mine is quite similar to you djh.suddenly loss wife  at the age of 30's.still a long way to go to go.reading your posts help me survive a moment and gives me idea what to expect..i'm glad I found you guys because no one around me will understand I'm going through like you guys.

Lost, lonely, don't know what to do, everything seems so pointless, feeling crazy, scared, nothing make sense anymore except to breath and stay alive..so unfair we have to experience such F!!!!

Please continue posting...this is my only way of survival right now..

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry anyone finds themselves in these circumstances but more so if they're young, it's just not right, and nothing about this is fair.  I heard that in our sermon yesterday, life isn't fair, that's for sure!  Maybe we did a disservice to our kids to try to bend over backwards to be fair to them, maybe we didn't prepare them for the harsh reality...

When you feel like it, perhaps you can tell us a little about your wife.  We are the ones that remember, the ones that try to carry on in their absence, it's so hard, but we have a lot of company here with the ones that "get it".  

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Freewill,

Surviving is exactly what we are doing. We do what we need to, to survive each day. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you are experiencing loss of your wife at such a young age. You are right, it is not fair.  10 weeks is a very short time. I was a basket case in those early weeks, months. I didn't bother with showering unless I absolutely had to go somewhere. I didn't do laundry until I was out of clean clothes. I didn't eat much. I did not care about anything. There was no joy in seeing a new day, I dreaded each day. The most basics of functioning held no meaning or purpose. Existing in this life makes no sense when you are permanently left behind and separated from your soul mate. It should not be that way. Finding the love of your life isn't easy and some people are not so lucky in that.When you find your soul mate, the rules should be a very long life together, until you both succumb to natural old age within a short time of each other. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up next to my husband in Heaven. ( I still wish for that every night). I have progressed since then, and you will to. We have no choice, but to keep going from one day to the next.

Just keep breathing and surviving. There are no time frames, no rules, no expectations, to do any more than that.

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On 10/27/2017 at 5:53 PM, Paluka said:

All I know is that I’m trying each day. I pray all the time and I try to be unselfish in my prayers. I talk to Lauri daily, especially in the morning before I get out of bed and at night before I try to get some sleep.  I’ve been waking up earlier than usual and take this time to talk to her. 

Im still hurting every day. It’s miserable but I’m trying to include Lauri as part of my daily life. 

I'm happy that you are remaining strong and doing what you can to comfort yourself.  During the initial weeks, I spent a lot of time talking to my wife as well -- I did this after lighting an incense and sat down in front of her portrait.  Took the advice from my mother-in-law to do it every time I am feeling down.  It actually did work for me but it was very very emotional.    In the more recent months, I've actually stopped doing this practice but these days I communicate to my wife more with the use of the telepathy-method instead.  I have become a lot more spiritual and have been able to reach out to my wife using my heart.   I still do talk to her sometimes but they are not formal sit-downs like how I had in the earlier weeks.

I know you are hurting every day and the pain feels unbearable.   It's the same for all of us so we know what you are going through.   The pain and intensity for me has lessened - I think I have made it through one of many layers of grief.  I've been calmed and composed.   No longer and I'm in the fog, feel lost, or feel purposeless though not all of those feelings have subsided.   I'm a few days shy of 4-months.

Keep your grief work going.  There is meaning when they say "you will feel worst because you are getting better."    It simply means grief is a roller coaster, and you are progressing through the journey when things go up and down.

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I was just heading into Five Guys to grab some lunch. Right as I was walking in Poprocks and Coke by Green Day started playing. It was our very first “our song.” It’s a popular song but it’s almost 20 years old at this point. Certainly not something you would generally hear on the radio these days. We loved Five Guys and it really made me feel like Kayla was letting me know she was watching. Just thought I would share a nice moment

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18 hours ago, Freewill said:

Sorry to join you guys..I also loss my wife, the love of my life, my life, my everything..:( its been about 10weeks.it really hurts every moment of being still alive.the pain is unbearable that I wish I could also die with it!!mine is quite similar to you djh.suddenly loss wife  at the age of 30's.still a long way to go to go.reading your posts help me survive a moment and gives me idea what to expect..i'm glad I found you guys because no one around me will understand I'm going through like you guys.

Lost, lonely, don't know what to do, everything seems so pointless, feeling crazy, scared, nothing make sense anymore except to breath and stay alive..so unfair we have to experience such F!!!!

Please continue posting...this is my only way of survival right now..

Hi Freewill.  I am sorry that we are meeting under these circumstances.    At 10-weeks, I'm sure everything is a blur.  Your heart aches.  You feel lost, abandoned, and nothing feels right anymore.  You may also be angry, and sad.  For what it's worth, this is all normal.  *Pat on your back* for speaking up and posting to our forum.     Continue to come here.  Re-read the older posts, join in on the conversations, or just watch.  Do anything you want.   Use the forum as you need it.   Either way, we are here to help and support each other.

Since your loss is so new, I would encourage you to keep your busy.  Try not to isolate yourself from everyone out in the world.  Even though it's a very difficult time, you must not disconnect yourself from the rest of the world.  Try to stay associated.  Join a grief support group.   Talk with others that are willing to support.  Build a support system for yourself.   I know it's easier said than done.  But keep trying and keep it in mind.

As our dear KayC has already said, whenever you are ready, tell us about your wife and the circumstances.  Tell us how you are feeling.   We will all try to help in anyway possible.   

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Djh, I hope hearing yours and Kayla's song gave you a little peace and comfort. We embrace our "signs" any time we receive them. Thank you for sharing!

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41 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I was just heading into Five Guys to grab some lunch. Right as I was walking in Poprocks and Coke by Green Day started playing. It was our very first “our song.” It’s a popular song but it’s almost 20 years old at this point. Certainly not something you would generally hear on the radio these days. We loved Five Guys and it really made me feel like Kayla was letting me know she was watching. Just thought I would share a nice moment

YES! This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Djh, I hope hearing yours and Kayla's song gave you a little peace and comfort. We embrace our "signs" any time we receive them. Thank you for sharing!

I literally stopped in my tracks. It was nice to imagine her with me again in some way

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20 hours ago, Freewill said:

Sorry to join you guys..I also loss my wife, the love of my life, my life, my everything..:( its been about 10weeks.it really hurts every moment of being still alive.the pain is unbearable that I wish I could also die with it!!mine is quite similar to you djh.suddenly loss wife  at the age of 30's.still a long way to go to go.reading your posts help me survive a moment and gives me idea what to expect..i'm glad I found you guys because no one around me will understand I'm going through like you guys.

Lost, lonely, don't know what to do, everything seems so pointless, feeling crazy, scared, nothing make sense anymore except to breath and stay alive..so unfair we have to experience such F!!!!

Please continue posting...this is my only way of survival right now..

I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband unexpectedly. It's been 5 weeks for me. It is so unfair. It is awful that we all have to go through this. It is helpful to come on here and realize we are not alone in this horrible grief journey. 

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17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I was just heading into Five Guys to grab some lunch. Right as I was walking in Poprocks and Coke by Green Day started playing. It was our very first “our song.” It’s a popular song but it’s almost 20 years old at this point. Certainly not something you would generally hear on the radio these days. We loved Five Guys and it really made me feel like Kayla was letting me know she was watching. Just thought I would share a nice moment

I'm glad for you, you needed that!

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I miss my Yogi so much. No one wants to hear that anymore but it’s as true now as it was the day after she died. I need her 

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49 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I miss my Yogi so much. No one wants to hear that anymore but it’s as true now as it was the day after she died. I need her 

It hurts big time, doesn't it? Friends get tired of our grieving in about a month or so and family members start with their platitudes in about 2 or 3 months, give or take, depending on the individuals. We live with our grieving every day.They don't understand and never will, until it happens to them. I can function through the bulk of the day,  but by late afternoon, I sink until sleep happens. It starts again when I wake up and I have the daily morning argument with myself about getting out of bed and doing it all over again.

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I keep feeling like I’m waiting for something. I don’t know what it is but it’s constant.

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11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I miss my Yogi so much. No one wants to hear that anymore but it’s as true now as it was the day after she died. I need her 

That's what's hard...everyone else goes on with their lives but for us that's not possible, we have a long haul, we have a lot of healing to do, a lot to learn, a lot of adjusting, a lot of effort to put in and even then the struggle is ongoing and the missing them continues as much if not more than the day they died.

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