Don't know what to say

[Djh0901kc]

But I could have been proud of her here. I was proud of her. I told her all the time. Why did she have to leave me all alone? 

[KMB]

Djh, Another perspective ---- what do you think would have happened to Kayla if you had gone first?  Your purpose was to help her separate herself from her dysfunctional family and become the person she wanted to be. If you had gone first, Kayla's family would have sucked her back into their manipulations and belittling her. They would have beaten her back down to where they wanted her, because she would have given up in her grieving for you. This life works out the way it is meant to. Find peace and feel blessed. You and Kayla will always share your love bond of being soul mates.

[KMB]

Djh,  Kayla isn't physically with you, but she didn't leave you alone. She is still very much with you, just in a different way now. Now, it is your turn to focus on yourself and find your life path.  You were both proud of each other here. And Kayla is still proud of you, just from the next realm of life we go to.

[Azipod]

I feel weird.  The last 4-days have been awfully calm for me.  I'm really managing.  At 3.5 months, I'm sure this isn't the end of the grief process and I'm just in this temporary state of calmness.  It does feel strange though.   I'm still missing my wife like crazy.  But at the moment, I'm really not dwelling on the stuff that I've lost...   But instead, I'm focused on what I've had and where our love has got me today.   And with this grief, I've developed so much, spiritually, emotionally and physically all at once.   I can't say I know a lot about myself.  But I've learned more about myself in the last 3.5 months than I did over the last few years.

Kick me for saying this. But I've started seeing some beauty in grief.  Grieving, can bring out so much love, creativity, passion, and strength.   With a broken heart, the light shines into our heart and allows us to manifest our feelings.  It allows us to become who we really are.    We can be our truth self.  We come here online, post our most intimate feelings, and share with other about how we feel.  Yet, we surrender ourselves to strangers online for comfort.   I remember people saying Boys aren't suppose to cry.   Well,  I cry here and no one cares.

There is still no light at the end of the tunnel for me yet.  But I am managing.   One day at a time.  (sigh).  

[Azipod]

On 10/15/2017 at 7:42 PM, Paluka said:

Sometimes I think that Lauri dying was some sort of huge cosmic mistake. However, the truth for me is that sometimes life freaking sucks and crappy things happen. Could Lauri have been sort of scheduled to leave when she did? I honestly do not know. I don’t believe God took her from me. I do not believe God is cruel. As much as I hurt and as hard as this is we have Free will. This means ugly things happen, people get hurt, and we have to deal with it.

Lauri used to tell me all the time what a good man I am. She believed that because I was a good man that everything would work out. I have learned that while I am a good man and try my best to do right by others this doesn’t prevent something like this from happening. It does not stop me from trying my best to do the right things. 

I miss Lauri terribly. My spiritual beliefs have been challenged because I need to believe in the afterlife I thought I believed in before she died! I’m working on it. 

 

Paluka  --  You are doing just fine.   It will be difficult and will continue to be so for some time.   I'm at 3.5 months and felt so much in the dumps for the last several weeks.  Finally, in the last 4-days the grief has decided to give me a breather.  I am currently managing, well rested, and overall feel "better" considering the totality of the circumstances.   This current state is very welcomed though unexpected.   You never know what the grief monster will throw at you.  Even though I am doing fine now, I'm still expecting the unexpected.   Who knows what it's going to throw at me tomorrow when I wake up?      Hang in there!

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I know you’re right. I just miss Kayla so much every second. I’m so lost.

I know.  Oh God I know!  

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

You couldn’t find it because I deleted the post about 60 seconds after I made it. I realized immediately that it was hurtful and inappropriate so I removed it. I’m not sure why he decided to comment on it but that is his right I suppose. I apologized to him in this thread and in a private message as well. 

I didn't see your apology but I'm glad to hear it.  He commented on it because it was hurtful and his comment had to come BEFORE you deleted it or he couldn't have quoted it.  He must have caught it right away.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Azipod said:

I feel weird.  The last 4-days have been awfully calm for me.  I'm really managing.  At 3.5 months, I'm sure this isn't the end of the grief process and I'm just in this temporary state of calmness.  It does feel strange though.   I'm still missing my wife like crazy.  But at the moment, I'm really not dwelling on the stuff that I've lost...   But instead, I'm focused on what I've had and where our love has got me today.   And with this grief, I've developed so much, spiritually, emotionally and physically all at once.   I can't say I know a lot about myself.  But I've learned more about myself in the last 3.5 months than I did over the last few years.

Kick me for saying this. But I've started seeing some beauty in grief.  Grieving, can bring out so much love, creativity, passion, and strength.   With a broken heart, the light shines into our heart and allows us to manifest our feelings.  It allows us to become who we really are.    We can be our truth self.  We come here online, post our most intimate feelings, and share with other about how we feel.  Yet, we surrender ourselves to strangers online for comfort.   I remember people saying Boys aren't suppose to cry.   Well,  I cry here and no one cares.

There is still no light at the end of the tunnel for me yet.  But I am managing.   One day at a time.  (sigh).  

You are coming a long ways...you couldn't have seen yourself feeling or saying any of this in the beginning.  Grief is like ocean waves, one day we feel we're handling it and the next we're drowning...don't be surprised when it knocks you back down, just get up and try to ride the waves, another one will come that will carry you.

[KayC]

KMB,

I appreciate your responses, they're right on.  

George and I had great purpose with each other.  When he died, so did my purpose.  I've had to look for ways to find new purpose and it in no way takes the place of what I felt before with him, but it's something at least.  And that took me years to get to.  I felt lost for oh so long.

[Azipod]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

You are coming a long ways...you couldn't have seen yourself feeling or saying any of this in the beginning.  Grief is like ocean waves, one day we feel we're handling it and the next we're drowning...don't be surprised when it knocks you back down, just get up and try to ride the waves, another one will come that will carry you.

I know.  Even though I've been using the term "roller coaster" in the past, it's meaning to me seems somewhat different now as I get into experiencing different types of grief waves.  There is so much truth to it when we say we are learning each day.   Each "wave of grief" is different than the prior.   Just when I know what I think "a wave" means, I then experiencing a new wave which affects me differently emotionally.

Today is my 5th day of calmness.  I do feel that "some one" has decided to give me a temporary breather so that I can recuperate.    That said, I do feel a little bit "guilty."  I feel guilty because I feel that I am not longing for my wife to the same level as I did a few weeks ago.   I still miss her terribly.  But I feel a bit uneasy because it's not bothering me as much, and I do feel like I"m in control of myself to some extent.  I guess this is all normal.

I am still learning.

[Paluka]

2 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Each "wave of grief" is different than the prior.   Just when I know what I think "a wave" means, I then experiencing a new wave which affects me differently emotionally.

How do you mean it’s different? Curious. 

[Azipod]

17 minutes ago, Paluka said:

How do you mean it’s different? Curious. 

I'm not sure how I can even put this in words.  Grief is so complex.  There are so many different dimensions.  They feel different, they have texture.

I guess to be general, I can say that different grief waves affects me differently, on the emotional level.  Some waves will remind me of all of the things I've lost when my wife passed.  It reminds me of all of the history and all of the things we've worked on and built together.          Then, another wave of grief will hit me with other things.   For example, perhaps it takes me to a different level, where the grief doesn't remind me of what i've lost, but reminds me of what I am not going to have for the rest of my life. That is the loss of a future, the loss of support, then loss of not being able to continue to build my life with my spouse.       Each wave of grief can touch on different things that can hurt you.    Yours may be different.

 

[Paluka]

I think I get it. Thank you. 

[Djh0901kc]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

KMB,

I appreciate your responses, they're right on.  

George and I had great purpose with each other.  When he died, so did my purpose.  I've had to look for ways to find new purpose and it in no way takes the place of what I felt before with him, but it's something at least.  And that took me years to get to.  I felt lost for oh so long.

I still have a hard time believing that Kayla is gone. It’s been 18 weeks. The counselor I talked to said she thinks I’m stuck in complicated grief. Am I ever going to take a single step forward? It doesn’t feel like I have at all.

[Myangel0419]

15 hours ago, Azipod said:

I feel weird.  The last 4-days have been awfully calm for me.  I'm really managing.  At 3.5 months, I'm sure this isn't the end of the grief process and I'm just in this temporary state of calmness.  It does feel strange though.   I'm still missing my wife like crazy.  But at the moment, I'm really not dwelling on the stuff that I've lost...   But instead, I'm focused on what I've had and where our love has got me today.   And with this grief, I've developed so much, spiritually, emotionally and physically all at once.   I can't say I know a lot about myself.  But I've learned more about myself in the last 3.5 months than I did over the last few years.

Azipod,

Since I started reading about life , death and after life and all about self healing I started to feel the same way like you're feeling. I thought this was very strange because last week was very calm for me until the weekend came. There's still pain and longing and sadness but I felt acceptance and peace. I can't explain it too but the intensity wasn't the same as the first weeks. I also felt guilty why I wasnt grieving as hard as I used too. i just kept it to myself until you mentioned this feeling. I tried to be open to all these things and I think somehow it's really helping me.

I also agree with KayC , I got hit by a terrible wave this weekend and totally knocked me down. It's a never ending roller coaster. 

[KMB]

19 hours ago, Azipod said:

I feel weird.  The last 4-days have been awfully calm for me.  I'm really managing.  At 3.5 months, I'm sure this isn't the end of the grief process and I'm just in this temporary state of calmness.  It does feel strange though.   I'm still missing my wife like crazy.  But at the moment, I'm really not dwelling on the stuff that I've lost...   But instead, I'm focused on what I've had and where our love has got me today.   And with this grief, I've developed so much, spiritually, emotionally and physically all at once.   I can't say I know a lot about myself.  But I've learned more about myself in the last 3.5 months than I did over the last few years.

Kick me for saying this. But I've started seeing some beauty in grief.  Grieving, can bring out so much love, creativity, passion, and strength.   With a broken heart, the light shines into our heart and allows us to manifest our feelings.  It allows us to become who we really are.    We can be our truth self.  We come here online, post our most intimate feelings, and share with other about how we feel.  Yet, we surrender ourselves to strangers online for comfort.   I remember people saying Boys aren't suppose to cry.   Well,  I cry here and no one cares.

There is still no light at the end of the tunnel for me yet.  But I am managing.   One day at a time.  (sigh).  

Great post, Azipod. We can all take away some inspiration from this.

[KMB]

4 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I still have a hard time believing that Kayla is gone. It’s been 18 weeks. The counselor I talked to said she thinks I’m stuck in complicated grief. Am I ever going to take a single step forward? It doesn’t feel like I have at all.

I was diagnosed with being in complicated grief as well. It will take us a lot longer and will require more grief work on our part to process our loss and adapt.

[Azipod]

8 hours ago, Maria0419 said:

Azipod,

Since I started reading about life , death and after life and all about self healing I started to feel the same way like you're feeling...... I tried to be open to all these things and I think somehow it's really helping me.

 

It is very interesting how we discover new things that moves us.  That's the beauty of grief, if we can call it that.  Over time, we can see how we emerge from what was once a hopeless individual to someone with new strength, passion, and creativity.    I've never really cared for the spiritual afterlife in the past.  I didn't deny it but I felt that people who talked about it were "different" and perhaps very woo-woo.   But now I preach it.  I preach it because it helps me.  It is what moves me and allows me to carry on each day.  In fact, I started to explore the spiritual afterlife as soon as my wife left.   It was almost immediate.    It was probably meant to be.      Do I believe everything they say?  I'm not sure.  But I sure do have an open mind.  Anything is possible.    

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Azipod said:

That said, I do feel a little bit "guilty."  I feel guilty because I feel that I am not longing for my wife to the same level as I did a few weeks ago.   I still miss her terribly.  But I feel a bit uneasy because it's not bothering me as much, and I do feel like I"m in control of myself to some extent.

It's not the grief that binds us to them, it's the love, and that hasn't changed.  Let go of guilty thoughts/feelings.  It's important to give ourselves permission to smile again.  This IS normal progression.  It's not healthy to stay in the down and out mode 24/7 forever.  We must have a breather now and then!

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Azipod said:

Do I believe everything they say?  I'm not sure.  But I sure do have an open mind.  Anything is possible.    

That's what's important.  It'll lead us where we need to go.

[KayC]

On 10/16/2017 at 10:14 PM, Azipod said:

I've started seeing some beauty in grief.  Grieving, can bring out so much love, creativity, passion, and strength.   With a broken heart, the light shines into our heart and allows us to manifest our feelings.  It allows us to become who we really are.    We can be our truth self.  We come here online, post our most intimate feelings, and share with other about how we feel.  Yet, we surrender ourselves to strangers online for comfort.   I remember people saying Boys aren't suppose to cry.   Well,  I cry here and no one cares.

I think this is a beautiful and insightful truth.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

The counselor I talked to said she thinks I’m stuck in complicated grief. Am I ever going to take a single step forward? It doesn’t feel like I have at all.

I hope your counselor didn't stop there, but leads you forward.  It's not enough to label something, we need help! 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/04/what-is-complicated-grief.html  There are some articles linked at the end that are good to explore as well.

[Djh0901kc]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I hope your counselor didn't stop there, but leads you forward.  It's not enough to label something, we need help! 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/04/what-is-complicated-grief.html  There are some articles linked at the end that are good to explore as well.

I haven’t had another session. I’ve cancelled the two I had scheduled. I’ve been so down and can’t seem to climb out. 

[Djh0901kc]

By the way, I did report the things my wife’s family were saying on FB but they told me it doesn’t specifically violate the guidelines of the terms of service so. Anytime I want to look at my wife’s page I have to scroll through a number of posts saying the worst things imaginable. I just don’t get on anymore but it still bothers me knowing that it’s there.

[KMB]

2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I just don’t get on anymore but it still bothers me knowing that it’s there.

If I were in your shoes with the FB posts, I would choose to ignore them as much as possible and let it go. I would look at the source and recognize ignorance, lack of self love, love for others and cold hearted meanness. Those people will have their karmic debt to pay.

[KMB]

3 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I haven’t had another session. I’ve cancelled the two I had scheduled. I’ve been so down and can’t seem to climb out. 

I hope you will reconsider at some point. Complicated grieving does require outside help. I did it for myself for 4 months. I ended up with phone sessions for a while because of the lack of professional resources in my area. I was sunk into the grief pit myself. I couldn't seem to get out of it, didn't know if I even wanted to. It is not healthy for our well being to stay there. It really helped me to have someone listen to me. Someone that validated all that I had lost, the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. I wasn't concerned so much with myself, but I had to try for my pets. Even though I was feeding them and they had fresh water, I was being neglectful of the other aspects of their care. I was feeling really ashamed of myself because I have always been for animal rights and against animal neglect and I was afraid of turning into someone I didn't like. My husband also loved our pets and I didn't want to disappoint him that I couldn't cope with their care.

I don't know if you have pets or not, but you need to seek help for yourself. Think about Kayla. Search deep in your heart and really give some thought to the things she would want for you if she could tell you herself.

[Paluka]

5 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

By the way, I did report the things my wife’s family were saying on FB but they told me it doesn’t specifically violate the guidelines of the terms of service so. Anytime I want to look at my wife’s page I have to scroll through a number of posts saying the worst things imaginable. I just don’t get on anymore but it still bothers me knowing that it’s there.

I am not sure if this would work but if you block those "family" members who are posting horrible things won't there comments and posts disappear? I would think that if you did this then you could go to her page without seeing all the hostility.

BTW, I sincerely hope you try to get back to your grief counselor. I literally HATE going to see mine but he helps even if I don't want to see him. He knows what I'm going through and gets me lined up correctly each week.

[KayC]

Who is in control of her account?  If you can, I'd hide the remarks so you don't have to see them.  Family we are born with, but a spouse is of one's choosing and she chose YOU!
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, oh God I know how that is!  I don't know if you read the article or not, but in it she says all of our grief is complicated.  There's articles at the end too.

[Djh0901kc]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Who is in control of her account?  If you can, I'd hide the remarks so you don't have to see them.  Family we are born with, but a spouse is of one's choosing and she chose YOU!
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, oh God I know how that is!  I don't know if you read the article or not, but in it she says all of our grief is complicated.  There's articles at the end too.

The thing is that no one is in control of it. One of her family members had it “memorialized” three months ago. That means that no one can ever log in again or change anything. Before that, I could have logged in because we both knew each other’s log in info for everything. One of the more frustrating things her family keeps saying is that I’m “controlling” her by blocking them from looking at her profile and deleting their posts. And her brother said that I should change her relationship status to single because she died to get away from me. None of them can wrap their minds around the fact that after THEY had the account memorialized I can’t change anything even if I wanted to. It’s incredibly frustrating because they’re blaming me for something I am literally unable to do and even if I tried to explain that to them they wouldn’t believe me. I even asked Facebook to contact them and explain what it means to memorialize an account but they will not do that.

[Djh0901kc]

On 10/18/2017 at 4:37 PM, Paluka said:

I am not sure if this would work but if you block those "family" members who are posting horrible things won't there comments and posts disappear? I would think that if you did this then you could go to her page without seeing all the hostility.

BTW, I sincerely hope you try to get back to your grief counselor. I literally HATE going to see mine but he helps even if I don't want to see him. He knows what I'm going through and gets me lined up correctly each week.

I could block them and not see the comments myself but they would still be there to anyone else. I hate knowing that anyone who doesn’t know what’s going on will just see the things they’re saying and think the worst. And I have blocked several of her family members who we barely had any contact with. But I’ve been friends with her brother since high school. We were pretty close back then before he got into drugs. I know he hates me but some part of me still loves him as my friend and brother in law. Blocking him would hurt me almost as much as seeing the things he says. I know that’s dumb. I just can’t bring myself to do it

[Djh0901kc]

Why does it still not seem real that’s she’s gone? It’s been 18 weeks tomorrow and when I think about her I still think that it’s impossible that she’s gone. We’re Kayla and Dan. I can’t just be Dan. You can’t have one without the other so she can’t be gone. It’s like my brain just can’t accept such a nightmare can be real

[Djh0901kc]

I did read the article by the way. I just feel like I’m beyond help at this point. All I want is to have her back and no one can give me that. That’s what I told the counselor too when I cancelled.

[KMB]

16 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

 None of them can wrap their minds around the fact that after THEY had the account memorialized I can’t change anything even if I wanted to. It’s incredibly frustrating because they’re blaming me for something I am literally unable to do and even if I tried to explain that to them they wouldn’t believe me.

Consider the source and their dysfunctional issues and block them out of your mind. When your mind goes back to them, say "stop" and let it go. This is a situation where you need to keep thinking of the serenity prayer. For the long term, what matters is that you know what you and Kayla meant to each other. She chose you to spend the rest of her life with, not her family.

it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if they read the posts. People are going to form their opinions no matter what.There is no control over that. And you have no way of knowing what they really think. It doesn't matter, just let it go. I know it is all easier said than done and everything is hurtful right now due to the intensity of your grieving. Every little slight, whether real or unintended, causes us to be ultra sensitive when we are hurting. I was the same way in the beginning months. I then developed the "so what" attitude. My husband is gone, our life is gone, the majority of people we knew have gone. I am on this journey mostly alone. I just tell myself to deal with it the best I can.

33 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Why does it still not seem real that’s she’s gone?

It is part of the denial. We want so badly to believe we are going to wake up from this nightmare.  This is so true for those of us who lost our loved one suddenly. The concept of how a person can be alive one moment and gone the next is hard to fathom when we are in so much pain.In another few months, the total truth of reality comes crashing in on you. There will be no way you'll be denying that this nightmare is real.We have no choice at that point but to acknowledge our loss.  Grieving is such hard work and so overwhelming and painful. It's a wonder that people actually do survive this.

[Djh0901kc]

I just want a hug so bad. I want to her hold me and tell me she loves me and that I’ll be ok

[Djh0901kc]

I can’t do this

[Patti14]

2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Why does it still not seem real that’s she’s gone? It’s been 18 weeks tomorrow and when I think about her I still think that it’s impossible that she’s gone. We’re Kayla and Dan. I can’t just be Dan. You can’t have one without the other so she can’t be gone. It’s like my brain just can’t accept such a nightmare can be real

I feel the exact same way. You are not alone with these feelings. I can't accept it that Greg is gone it doesn't seem real. I just wanted to come home today and my husband be here and give me a big hug and tell me it's going to be ok.  I don't know when we will be able to accept that they are gone. I just know that I hate being single. I was just sitting down tonight thinking about this is the first time I have ever been single and I'm it there is nobody here to fall back on if something happens. Yet it still doesn't feel real.

[KMB]

1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

I just want a hug so bad. I want to her hold me and tell me she loves me and that I’ll be ok

Put an image in your mind of Kayla doing that for you. She is most likely there with you spiritually, trying to comfort you in that way. With our limited human senses, we just can't see or feel them.

[KayC]

Unfortunately, FB doesn't give much help to people.  Memorializing is supposed to be a way for a family to continue in memory of someone, not keep them from seeing their account, it's unfortunate someone reported her dead to FB because it can be of help for people to post their tributes to the person's account.  I have several friends that are deceased and their accounts remain open.  
 

16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Blocking him would hurt me almost as much as seeing the things he says. I know that’s dumb. I just can’t bring myself to do it

No, that's not dumb.  You're a loyal friend even though his life has gone into a dark place.  One can only hope he'll find his way out of it.

16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Why does it still not seem real that’s she’s gone?

Because it takes much time to process this in our brains, it just seems inconceivable.  It's so mind boggling and all of the habits/patterns we shared take a long time to realize it's altered.  18 weeks isn't enough time to wrap your head around it, gosh it took me three years for it to sink in and realize he's gone.  It's different for everyone.

13 hours ago, KMB said:

Put an image in your mind of Kayla doing that for you. She is most likely there with you spiritually, trying to comfort you in that way. With our limited human senses, we just can't see or feel them.

Yes, I've done the same.

[Djh0901kc]

The worst dreams are the ones that seem like they were alternate outcomes. Like the paramedics saved her or got her to the hospital in time. I’ve been having them over and over lately. They hurt the most. They’re what is dragging me down I think.

[Paluka]

1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

The worst dreams are the ones that seem like they were alternate outcomes. Like the paramedics saved her or got her to the hospital in time. I’ve been having them over and over lately. They hurt the most. They’re what is dragging me down I think.

PLEASE go back to or find a new therapist. These types of dreams are signs of PTSD. They may not simply go away. I’ve had them too. They make everything so much worse. They intensify my unjustified feelings of grief. A good therapist could really help to deal with this. I hate that you’re experiencing this. 

[KayC]

I feel as Paluka does.  We care about you and do hope you find some relief.

[Djh0901kc]

I just found one of my wife’s long brown hairs on my pillow. This is impossible. Its been almost five months since she passed and as I’ve said in this post, all of our stuff was removed from the house by scandalous cleaners. This isn’t our bed or pillows or sheets. Even the pajamas I’m wearing have been washed at my sisters house. I haven’t seen a stray hair of hers in over three months. I even said something about missing it being all over here on the forum. It couldn’t have just randomly shown up. I know it’s just a hair but there’s no where it could have come from

[KayC]

That is cool.  It is those unexplainable things I take as signs...perhaps you've had what is called a visitation.  There is so much we don't know, I've learned not to rule out anything I can't explain.

[Paluka]

I agree with Kay. I prayed over the phone with my younger sister yesterday. She was diagnosed with a stage 4 glioblastoma multiform SEVEN years ago. She was not supposed to live more than a few months. 

She has such a strong Faith. I tease her about having a direct line to God. When we prayed she asked that I be given a sign or signs that Lauri was ok and present. 

When I walked outside to go somewhere with my son there was an 8 inch feather sitting right by Lauri’s car. I have never had any feathers under my carport or anywhere else. I just smiled and took it with me. I also had a dream last night that included Lauri. I have not been able to recall all of the dream but her kids were there as well. 

I am open-minded about all of this. I believe Kayla’s hair is a sign. 

[KMB]

On 10/21/2017 at 6:11 AM, Djh0901kc said:

The worst dreams are the ones that seem like they were alternate outcomes. Like the paramedics saved her or got her to the hospital in time. I’ve been having them over and over lately. They hurt the most. They’re what is dragging me down I think.

I've had dreams like that to. I think it is our mind trying to process our loss. We so wish we could go back and change the outcome that it shows up in our dreams. Those kind of dreams fade away over time, as we slowly begin to acknowledge our reality.

[KMB]

17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

I just found one of my wife’s long brown hairs on my pillow.

 

I agree with KayC. See it as a sign that Kayla is always going to be with you, bringing you comfort.

[KMB]

2 hours ago, Paluka said:

When I walked outside to go somewhere with my son there was an 8 inch feather sitting right by Lauri’s car. I have never had any feathers under my carport or anywhere else. I just smiled and took it with me. I also had a dream last night that included Lauri. I have not been able to recall all of the dream but her kids were there as well. 

I am happy for you, Paluka! Signs come in many ways and having faith, an open mind and heart helps.

[Djh0901kc]

But I can’t explain where the hair came from. It’s impossible. Everything has been washed elsewhere or wasn’t even here while Kayla was alive. It couldn’t have come from anywhere.

[Djh0901kc]

It’s not as easy for me to just accept that as it is for some of you guys. It had to come from somewhere. It’s breaking my brain a bit. It is also very comforting I will admit. Kayla’s brown eyes and brown hair were my favorite physical traits and I told her how much I loved them constantly. If there was anything she would leave me it WOULD be a brown hair.

[Paluka]

34 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

It’s not as easy for me to just accept that as it is for some of you guys. It had to come from somewhere. It’s breaking my brain a bit. It is also very comforting I will admit. Kayla’s brown eyes and brown hair were my favorite physical traits and I told her how much I loved them constantly. If there was anything she would leave me it WOULD be a brown hair.

I am not one to take things on Faith alone. I never have been. However, Lauri’s death has forced me to confront aspects of life and death that I never have before. Yes, I had a tiny bit of belief that there was some form of afterlife. Now, I know there is another level of existence and I wish I could at least visit there to see Lauri. 

I hope that finding Kayla’s hair allows you some peace and hope that you’ll be reunited some day.