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Djh0901kc

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

My death woudlnt really be such a tragedy as none of the people in my life depends on me. I'm not the only child for mum, so she'll be fine. My sister is planning to get married next summer so she'll be fine. They all still have the most important person for them in their lives. And I no longer play the leading role in someone's life! Nobody is interested in where I spend my days, what I am doing, or actually deeply care about how I feel... 

You just wrote all my feeling. No one deeply care, I know my family do care for me but still i am no more leading lady of someone life, i am not the most important person for someone. Its just so harsh and I can't live like this.

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I went to sign up at a local pool so I can move my arms a bit to get rid of all the tense muscles that ache at nights... I thought about what it'd be like if Bruce were still alive. He'd drive me to the surgery to get tested for Hep B&C. He'd take me shopping for bathing suits. He'd even sign up with me so we could do it together! 

We cared about all the little things in our lives that even the fact that noone cares about what I eat everyday hurts me! He'd ask if I was hungry and bring over Thai food etc. He noticed all the little changes I made in my appearance, like coming my hair different or putting on a new skirt. There is absolutely nobody now. 

My husband called my everyday at lunch time what i ate and from last 8.5 years there is no day when we did not ask each other about our lunch but now no one is there to ask me if i ate something or not. Every little care i miss, every small things reminds me , now i am no one whose presence important for anyone. No matter if i am eating or not, i am alive so people know i must be eating fine.

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45 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I feel so sad tonight. It’s Friday and I’m home from work, in the house alone.  I feel like I’m going to faint (I am OK).  I’ve never felt this Level of sadness and emptiness.

i really do hate Fridays.  It is the start of another weekend without my wife. It also marks the completion of another week without my wife.

Ive always expected grieving to be difficult.  But I’ve never imagined that I can go through so many levels and types of sadness. The different feelings are indescribable.

 

Here it is Saturday morning , again all alone, watching others so excited and i am here in my pain. I really miss my goli, i wish he was here then if i dresses up i would ask him how am I looking and his eyes would say everything. He would ask me about his dress, to help him to get ready, for all small things like socks, tie. I really miss those small moments but nothing in my hand other than cry.

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I went to sign up at a local pool so I can move my arms a bit to get rid of all the tense muscles that ache at nights... I thought about what it'd be like if Bruce were still alive. He'd drive me to the surgery to get tested for Hep B&C. He'd take me shopping for bathing suits. He'd even sign up with me so we could do it together! 

We cared about all the little things in our lives that even the fact that noone cares about what I eat everyday hurts me! He'd ask if I was hungry and bring over Thai food etc. He noticed all the little changes I made in my appearance, like coming my hair different or putting on a new skirt. There is absolutely nobody now. 

Do you have any idea why arms muscle aching too much, after this loss i have continued ache in my neck, arms and shoulder. I have no idea why its hurting so much before this i was totally fine normal.

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10 hours ago, KMB said:

It is really not another person's responsibility to make us happy. Happiness comes from within ourselves. The people we love only enhance that happiness.A lot of this grieving is for ourselves. What and who we miss and were used to. What we had planned in our minds got blown apart.Everyone has a fantasy land going on in their mind. Reality has a way of stepping in and destroying that fantasy. It is so very painful and insufferable when it does. Your loved ones death was not a mistake. His life plan was completed. Whatever lessons his soul needed to learn had been accomplished. Whatever he was to teach you through your relationship was taught.

I really don't understand what he learned at age of 30. We were just started our life and there so more to do , how he can learned something so soon and what he learned.A

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It's taken me a while to read all of the posts written since yesterday morning.  Djh, I agree with KMB, sounds like her family is toxic and needs avoided.  George's dad didn't contact me or attend George's funeral, even though offered a ride and explicitly invited.  George used to drive two hours to visit him on a regular basis, yet his own dad couldn't be bothered to attend his funeral?  A year later he called me, badmouthing George.  I reminded him how George always was good to him and told him to call me when he had something good to say, said goodbye and hung up.  He apparently never did find anything good to say because he never called again.  I apologized to George but said I couldn't sit there and listen to someone badmouthing him.  His father died years later, no one in the family even notified me, it's as if I don't exist yet I was the most important one to George in his life!  I long ago quit trying to figure out his family.  They were a thorn in the flesh to him, even though he loved them.

TooDevastated,

Death is not the answer you seek, and you WOULD be missed!  You're coming from a negative place right now, you have to keep that in mind before making decisions.  This is the hardest thing to go through, we have to give ourselves time to adjust and realize it won't stay the same in how we're doing.

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2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I posted this on the first day of this year. I read the caption now and it breaks my heart

35D8EEB7-8112-4A88-B839-BC2434FB6560.png

This is so heart-breaking... This morning, I woke up from a dream in which we were holding each other and kissing. It hurt like HELL to wake up only to remember he is gone and I can't kiss him ever again. The dream was so real, I could feel his warmth, his hands, he looked at me the way he always did. My life is like a nightmare that gave me cramps in the stomach at nights, only I can't wake up from it. 

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On 23.09.2017 at 5:06 AM, LoveGoli said:

My husband called my everyday at lunch time what i ate and from last 8.5 years there is no day when we did not ask each other about our lunch but now no one is there to ask me if i ate something or not. Every little care i miss, every small things reminds me , now i am no one whose presence important for anyone. No matter if i am eating or not, i am alive so people know i must be eating fine.

We texted and called each other once in every few hours. I can literally say we were almost addicted to one another. There is noone to check up on me now. Wondering what I'm up to. Actually caring about every little detail of my life. I would have done anything and everything to save him yet I was so clueless in the end that I could do nothing for my baby. If it werent for a few of his mates, he would have died all alone.  Eveything about his passing is excruciating. 

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59 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

We texted and called each other once in every few hours. I can literally say we were almost addicted to one another. There is noone to check up on me now. Wondering what I'm up to. Actually caring about every little detail of my life. I would have done anything and everything to save him yet I was so clueless in the end that I could do nothing for my baby. If it werent for a few of his mates, he would have died all alone.  Eveything about his passing is excruciating. 

Kayla died in my arms on our bedroom floor. I was right there with her doing cpr until the first responders arrived and it still didn’t make any difference

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2 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

This is so heart-breaking... This morning, I woke up from a dream in which we were holding each other and kissing. It hurt like HELL to wake up only to remember he is gone and I can't kiss him ever again. The dream was so real, I could feel his warmth, his hands, he looked at me the way he always did. My life is like a nightmare that gave me cramps in the stomach at nights, only I can't wake up from it. 

I think the worst part of these dreams is the 3-5 seconds after you wake up before you remember the truth. I have these pretty much every night now.

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Part of me wishes I could sleep forever because she’s alive in the dreams. If I was always asleep she would always be alive 

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Djh,   Beautiful pic of your Kayla. Consider the dreams as blessings. I know it is painful when you fully wake up and realize your reality. Take some comfort that she is staying in contact with you through the dreams.  

What has been helping me, is thinking my husband is on a journey where I couldn't leave when he did. In time, I will catch up to him.

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

What has been helping me, is thinking my husband is on a journey where I couldn't leave when he did. In time, I will catch up to him.

That is a good way to consider it.  :wub:

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I was done with work early today. Spur of the moment, I decided to make a brownie and throw it in the oven. I don’t know why. I don’t really like sweets. Kayla was the one with a sweet tooth so she’s the reason we have mixes in the house. Every once in awhile I would make a brownie or a cake and when I was done I would bring the bowl and spatula to her because she loved to lick the batter. I always thought it was the cutest thing that she never grew out of that little indulgence. Today I put the brownie in the oven and realized I didn’t have anyone to bring the bowl to. How can these tiny little things hurt so ******* much?

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4 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

. How can these tiny little things hurt so ******* much?

it is always the little things that bring the most pain. All those little things added up to who we love so very much.

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On 9/24/2017 at 2:46 PM, TooDevastated said:

We texted and called each other once in every few hours. I can literally say we were almost addicted to one another. There is noone to check up on me now. Wondering what I'm up to. Actually caring about every little detail of my life. I would have done anything and everything to save him yet I was so clueless in the end that I could do nothing for my baby. If it werent for a few of his mates, he would have died all alone.  Eveything about his passing is excruciating. 

Gosh I so missed those texts.  Texts were the greatest things.  We often sent each other texts “just because” whenever we were thinking of each other.  I so missed them.

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11 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Gosh I so missed those texts.  Texts were the greatest things.  We often sent each other texts “just because” whenever we were thinking of each other.  I so missed them.

So true, whenever we think about each other we just sent text Or sometime when I have free time even free minutes I sent him text or call him, same he did. We were so addicted to each other and always wait to finish the office hours so that we can meet at evening. Every day when I see him in evening outside the door, its kinda relief that he got home safely and after that we spent our whole evening together, I just miss those normal now precious days.

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I’ve been reading some of the older posts on here and it seems like there’s a kind of theme. The people who kind of “force” themselves to move on and start dating seem to be happier. I’m thinking of the Autocharge thread and the woman who says her deceased loved one sent her another guy. I think it was Sue? Everyone says that you can’t rush the grieving process but these people kind of have and they seem a bit better for it. Is there anything to this? Can you force your way through to some kind of happiness? I don’t want to date anyone. I feel like I’m still married and always will be. But is there some way to will myself passed the grief and despair? What am I doing wrong that these others have figured out?

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DHJ,your wife only died a couple of months ago so don't be surprised that dating is not a priority for you at the moment.

My husband died June '16 and I am not in the least ready to date, even though I would love to meet a new guy and fall in love again.We can not force these things.On the other hand ,still grieving for your loved one and falling in love with a new person can happen at the same time.

It all depends if you are ready and open .It can not be forced just as the grieving process can not be forced and speeded up.We all want to forward the clock, but it is not possible.

Take your time.

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I don’t want anyone else. I want Kayla to be the last person I was ever with. I just meant it seems like some people do force their way through the grief and speed up the clock. How do they do that? If you read that Autocharge thread it’s full of him basically saying he’s going to speed his way through the grief and people telling him you can’t do that. But by the most recent posts it kind of seems like that’s what he did.

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6 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don’t want anyone else. I want Kayla to be the last person I was ever with. I just meant it seems like some people do force their way through the grief and speed up the clock. How do they do that? If you read that Autocharge thread it’s full of him basically saying he’s going to speed his way through the grief and people telling him you can’t do that. But by the most recent posts it kind of seems like that’s what he did.

I think every person is different , the love they shared with their partner is different, their locality is  different so that's why I think  they move fast than us. I also don't want any one else , only and only my Goli and I have no idea if I love some one again like I loved him. He was my first love and always be so I don't think I will love again. I also wanted to out of this sadness but seems like I am not going to out of this, every time his thoughts, my future wishes and my past life hit me and nothing in my hand other than cry. 

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On 9/24/2017 at 5:46 PM, Djh0901kc said:

Kayla died in my arms on our bedroom floor. I was right there with her doing cpr until the first responders arrived and it still didn’t make any difference

The same for me. I did CPR while the paramedics were on their way. Honestly, the image of Lauri lifeless in our bedroom sticks in my brain. I wish that image would go away. 

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Hi Paluka,I did CPR too on my husband and also vividly remember that heavy lifeless body.God if only I could forget that.

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I have no judgment for those dating but a word of caution:  in one's desire not to be lonely one can easily distract themselves from their grief.  It's important to realize that you still need to grieve because if you try to avoid it, it WILL haunt you down and find you!  I think the reasons a person is dating is important to realize...if you're doing it to avoid being alone, maybe that isn't a good enough reason?  If you get into a relationship with someone it needs to be because of who they are and that you feel you can't live without them.

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Like I said, I have no interest in dating now or ever. It was more about how that guy seemed to will himself through the grief even though everyone was telling him he couldn’t do that.

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13 hours ago, Paluka said:

I wish that image would go away. 

It will over time fade away. For some months after my husband passed, those last images of him stuck in my mind as well. Eventually, I came to the realization that we all will leave this earth in some way. Someday, someone else will have to witness and deal with my passing. It is a part of physical death we cannot escape from. I began replacing those last images with good memories instead. It takes effort and patience, but it paid off over time. It is far better picturing his smiling face and recalling the good times.

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10 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

Like I said, I have no interest in dating now or ever.

 

I have no interest in dating either. it is my own personal choice. That is what this grieving process is. A process we choose to undertake in our own way. There are a lot of factors at play for how we choose to do this. If someone decides to move forward into another relationship, it is for many different reasons. The quality of the relationship they had with their deceased partner, the level of the love shared. Age makes a difference. The personality of a person and their drive  as to how they want to proceed in the rest of their life. Some people are meant to have more than one partner to share life with, whether through break ups, divorce or death. It is all individual.  Also, some couples might have been lucky enough to have those final conversations on what they each wanted for the other in case of death. Our loved ones lived their lives to the best capacity to the end. I feel they would wish the same for us. I do not believe our loved ones are sitting somewhere in the afterlife and thinking I hope he/she is going to stay miserable and alone the rest of their life because I am gone. When they were here, they loved us and wanted the best for us. That does not change. They know that we are worthy of love and we are also still capable of giving love.Our life is made up of many chapters. One chapter is done and we need to move forward into the next chapter the best we can.

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The fact that everyone seems to keep focusing on the dating thing makes me think that I’m not explaining myself very well so I’ll just let it go. That’s not the point of what I was asking though. I apologize for not being clear.

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DJH

I see your point about other people pushing themselves through the grieving process. I won't say everything I think about this since to each his/her own.

i do not want to prolong my pain and I do not want to rush past it in an unhealthy way. I do not believe there are shortcuts to this process. No one has discovered any secret formula. 

We all do what we have to do. I want to be able to look back on my time with Lauri with happiness one day. In a healthy way. I cried myself awake last night and this morning. I still cannot eat and just finished crying for an hour.

I will take the steps so I don't live like this forever.

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

The fact that everyone seems to keep focusing on the dating thing makes me think that I’m not explaining myself very well so I’ll just let it go. That’s not the point of what I was asking though. I apologize for not being clear.

 

I understand what you were getting at. I don't know how anyone can will themselves through the grieving. Maybe it is all in a person's attitude, how their mind processes information. I do not wish to speak of autocharge behind his back, so to speak. His career involved working with computers. It takes a different personality and a different thought process to do that type of work. Maybe you could private message him and ask him directly about your questions?

Also, I've noticed in my own life, that some people are able to place the loss of a loved one in a better perspective more easily and readily, because they have had many losses prior to the loss of their partner. They already know that life goes on with or without you. If we don't want to stay stuck in our own misery forever, we have to make the choice to move forward. We are all here for the individual reasons that God gave us to be here. Those reasons don't go away just because our soul mate did. Our soul mates completed their lessons and reasons for being here. We might think otherwise, but that is our selfish ego causing us to think and feel like that. We all would like our soul mates back, but it truly was their time to return to our true home.

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I’ve been up since 2am. I had this awful dream. I had gone out of town with some friends and got left behind. I kept trying and trying to call Kayla to come get me but every time I would dial her number, when I hit send the phone would call a different one. I went into a funeral home in the town I was stuck in and they tried to help me call her but the same thing kept happening over and over. No matter how many times I dialed her number, it would never go through correctly. Someone from the funeral home finally drove me home and when I got there Kayla was gone and I woke up. I know it doesn’t seem like the worst dream but it was so unsettling I haven’t been able to go back to sleep. I miss her so much.

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47 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I’ve been up since 2am. I had this awful dream. I had gone out of town with some friends and got left behind. I kept trying and trying to call Kayla to come get me but every time I would dial her number, when I hit send the phone would call a different one. I went into a funeral home in the town I was stuck in and they tried to help me call her but the same thing kept happening over and over. No matter how many times I dialed her number, it would never go through correctly. Someone from the funeral home finally drove me home and when I got there Kayla was gone and I woke up. I know it doesn’t seem like the worst dream but it was so unsettling I haven’t been able to go back to sleep. I miss her so much.

I don't know meaning of this dream but yes it seems like horrible dream. Hope you will get some sleep.

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I don’t know if it means anything. I’m not a person who thinks every dream has meaning. I was just hoping that typing it would help get it out of my head. I’m just going to go to work since I can’t really get back to sleep. I hope you’re hanging in there LG

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6 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I don’t know if it means anything. I’m not a person who thinks every dream has meaning. I was just hoping that typing it would help get it out of my head. I’m just going to go to work since I can’t really get back to sleep. I hope you’re hanging in there LG

Its Friday evening here, my office hours are finished and going to home. Weekend starts for all people, except me.

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On 7/10/2017 at 3:57 PM, Djh0901kc said:

Thank you to everyone by the way. This is my only outlet right now and I appreciate you guys. Strange that a group of strangers can help in a way family cannot

I am so very sorry for your loss.  This forum is truly what helped me cope the first months after I lost my Scott.  No one understood anything I was going through but here...I felt supported.  

I have felt him with me so many times but I am a believer in the spiritual world....much more so now that I lost him.  Everyone has their own beliefs (or not)...you have to do what is right for you.

This could probably be a time where you may open yourself up to the possibilities.  As someone said above, we are all energy and energy never goes away.  To feel Scott I go to a quiet place, like a park or the lake, it usually is better if there is no outside noise around.  I close my eyes, I focus on the nature noises and as my mind calms down, I think about him.  I feel him...think about how it felt to hold him or be held by him.   Whether you believe in any after life, this may be comforting to you.  

No matter what...it's ok to feel any and every emotion you are feeling.  It's about you and finding a way to live without your love.  One minute, hour, day, month at a time.  This is a fantastic place for those days when you feel alone and no one understands you....we all understand here.  We have all had one or more of the same emotions you are feeling.  

 

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5 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Its Friday evening here, my office hours are finished and going to home. Weekend starts for all people, except me.

I know the feeling.   As promised last night, I'm back on this forum by 10:00 AM.   I actually made it here 30-minutes early!

Fridays are meaningless.   Everyone is enjoying their life.... and everyone is laughing.  They are talking any looking forward to the weekend.  They go shopping.  They go out with family.  They go out for activities.  They plan to have great dining.

For us, we're just in deep sorrow and grief and despite everyone evolving and moving around us, my life feels like it's at a standstill.  I am stuck in a big deep hole known as grief.   Where is my wife?  I wish she would come help me.   Oh wait,  she's no longer here.  (slap in the face).  Reality kicks in again.

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2 hours ago, Sue P 67 said:

 

This could probably be a time where you may open yourself up to the possibilities.  As someone said above, we are all energy and energy never goes away.  To feel Scott I go to a quiet place, like a park or the lake, it usually is better if there is no outside noise around.  I close my eyes, I focus on the nature noises and as my mind calms down, I think about him.  I feel him...think about how it felt to hold him or be held by him.   

 

Thank you for sharing what works for you.  I will be sure to try this as it sounds comforting.   As much as I believe in the spirit world, I have not spent much time to sit down, relax, and to get in tune with myself and the energy around me.     

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16 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know the feeling.   As promised last night, I'm back on this forum by 10:00 AM.   I actually made it here 30-minutes early!

Fridays are meaningless.   Everyone is enjoying their life.... and everyone is laughing.  They are talking any looking forward to the weekend.  They go shopping.  They go out with family.  They go out for activities.  They plan to have great dining.

For us, we're just in deep sorrow and grief and despite everyone evolving and moving around us, my life feels like it's at a standstill.  I am stuck in a big deep hole known as grief.   Where is my wife?  I wish she would come help me.   Oh wait,  she's no longer here.  (slap in the face).  Reality kicks in again.

I can't describe better than this.

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23 hours ago, Sue P 67 said:

As someone said above, we are all energy and energy never goes away.  To feel Scott I go to a quiet place, like a park or the lake, it usually is better if there is no outside noise around.  I close my eyes, I focus on the nature noises and as my mind calms down, I think about him.  I feel him...think about how it felt to hold him or be held by him.   Whether you believe in any after life, this may be comforting to you.  

That is me, I do this, and I find comfort in it.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

That is me, I do this, and I find comfort in it.

Kayla and I loved to go hiking and picnicking and whatnot. There is a forest preserve near us where I actually proposed. It was so special to us that I planned to sprinkle some of her ashes there but I’ve been unable to go so far. I’ve never been there without her. I miss her so much. I’m sorry for being rude or hurtful in the other thread KayC. I should try harder to be as kind as she was.

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I went to Lauri's grave yesterday. I spent a couple of hours there. It was quiet. I needed to go there. Yes, I left flowers and a note but I needed to somehow connect in a way that I have not be able to do. 

I felt like I was with her. I talked to her. I always talk to her no matter where I am but it just seemed different. I prayed as best I could. 

I find it difficult to quiet myself daily. I'm afraid to do so. 

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

Kayla and I loved to go hiking and picnicking and whatnot. There is a forest preserve near us where I actually proposed. It was so special to us that I planned to sprinkle some of her ashes there but I’ve been unable to go so far. I’ve never been there without her. I miss her so much. I’m sorry for being rude or hurtful in the other thread KayC. I should try harder to be as kind as she was.

I understand where you come from. I understand the anger and despair and the uncertainty that tears you apart because I am feeling it myself. 

All we can do now is try and be as good and kind as our loved ones were...    

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8 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I understand where you come from. I understand the anger and despair and the uncertainty that tears you apart because I am feeling it myself. 

All we can do now is try and be as good and kind as our loved ones were...    

Sometime its very difficult to be kind like them, when I see family members moving so fast like he never existed in their life, its feel so frustated. 

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We are going through something they never had to experience...even they might have felt or responded like we do because sometimes we're just at a loss as to how to handle our emotions, this IS the toughest journey we've been on!  I feel as you guys do, about my George, he was so caring with people, I wish I could be more like him.  I admired him, I guess that's another reason I was with him!

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Another Sunday. The most depressing day of the week for me. They all feel never ending now

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53 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

Another Sunday. The most depressing day of the week for me. They all feel never ending now

 

Same here.  Every day is depressing, but Sundays are the worst.  I have things to do to keep me busy. It is so hard dredging up any motivation. The majority of the things I did were for us. There is no us anymore. There is only me. I always wonder what is the point of doing anything for me. Deep down inside, there is still that voice that says "I don't care". Those thoughts of "I don't care" are hard to fight.  When I sit back and think about all the busy work we do that is a part of living this life, it is all for nothing in the end, isn't it?

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9 minutes ago, KMB said:

Same here.  Every day is depressing, but Sundays are the worst.  I have things to do to keep me busy. It is so hard dredging up any motivation. The majority of the things I did were for us. There is no us anymore. There is only me. I always wonder what is the point of doing anything for me. Deep down inside, there is still that voice that says "I don't care". Those thoughts of "I don't care" are hard to fight.  When I sit back and think about all the busy work we do that is a part of living this life, it is all for nothing in the end, isn't it?

At this time of the year all the towns in the Midwest are having harvest festivals and whatnot. Sundays were the days we would go and then of course watch football and grill. Now I still want to go to that stuff but what’s the point in going alone? My partner in crime is gone so there’s no point. No one grills for one person either. Who gives a **** about anything is my general feeling. 

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