Don't know what to say

[Azipod]

22 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Hang in there. I also have a weird feeling about tonight. Its night time in UK. It was a lot hotter in my area today than is expected at the end of a september and I can see loads and loads of stars in the sky tonight which you dont always get to see in busy cities... 

I am totally bummed at the moment as well.  In the past week, the grief has been very demanding and it's literally feels like its twice its weight.    I've seen a couple of beautiful Sunsets and I so miss and experiencing this (as well as all other spectacular events) with my wife.     I am totally consumed with this grief day in and day out.     People keep writing that it gets better.  I'm sure it does over time.   But my definition of better means I'm with my wife, such as before the loss.    Can I ever get better to that point?

[Azipod]

22 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I used to wake up to boyfriend kissing me without opening his eyes with blind aim and feel a bit annoyed but still pleased. We'll never feel the warmth and safety of their presence. Its so tragic. I cant sleep more than 3-4 hours at nights now. 

A little bit over a week ago, I posted here to see what others did in terms of their bed position after losing their partner.    I have begun to move over from my side of the bed and have made to the center -- it took me a week, an inch by an inch each night, to get over to the middle.  I suppose in another week, I'll be over on my wife's side.      It does help me because now I don't see her side of the bed totally neat and undisturbed.    Even then, it is so sad at night when I get into bed.  Not only because I'm not with her, but because I'm doing these extraordinary stuff just to cope with the grief.   I feel so bad having to inch over to her side of the bed just to take it over so I won't see the neat side of the bed when I wake up.    It feels so illogical to have to do these stupid things just to cope with this grief.   I feel exhausted.   I wish this nightmare would just end.

[Azipod]

22 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I found it beautiful then. I find it even more meaningful now. A 2000 years old kiss with your loved one. Thats paradise compared to what we got. 

Just hearing the word paradise makes me feel so sad.  I've had so many adventures with my wife and we've enjoyed a lot of traveling.  It will never be the same.    I have many happy moments and experiences to cherish.  But right now, thinking about them makes me feel so lost and miserable.

[Azipod]

16 hours ago, KMB said:

 

Time and patience will help you to survive. Your inner dialogue will change as time goes on. Your wife is right by your side. She will be helping you, guiding you through the maze of grieving. She will help you to see that you have value and self worth. You are here for a purpose. We all are. You don't know what that purpose is yet. It will come along in its good timing.

KMB, Thank you for the encouragement.  I just feel so lost and this grief is such hard work.   I'm sure things can improve down the line.  But I just cannot go on not being able to be with my wife   I want her here.  I want things like how it was before.  And I know it's not possible -- thats why it is so difficult.    If I cannot be with my wife, then I really don't want to be here.  THere's no point.

[Azipod]

1 hour ago, KMB said:

KayC,  You have been doing very well with taking it day by day. You carry your pain on the inside and keep plugging away. That is all any of us can do. It is a hard, tough road and there is absolutely nothing that can change it. We have to cope with the cards that were dealt to us. I sincerely hope that Azipod, TooDevastated, LoveGoli and Djh keep reading your posts and the posts of the rest of us, to get their inspiration, encouragement, to help them keep plugging away day by day. You will be with George again and I will be with Ed. Once we all get through this life, we will all be reunited with our soul mates again. It will be our reward for taking this road day by day, and hopefully finding a little meaning and purpose to this existence. Our loved ones had their life span for no matter how short or long that span was meant for. We have no choice but to finish out our life span in whatever way it is meant to go.

Thank you, KMB.   I appreciate your thoughts.  I'm being hit with a large wave so the past week has been extremely difficult.  I'm just a big ball of negative energy right now.

[Djh0901kc]

I appreciate what you guys are saying. That we have to just keep plugging away so we’re eventually reunited with our loved ones. But I don’t know if I believe that. Like I said, I pray but I don’t know if I really believe in God or if I’m just doing it to have someone to talk to. People say they can feel the presence of their loved ones. I don’t. I don’t feel anything. That’s part of why I feel so hopeless. I’m just supposed to slog through one day at a time for 40 years when I don’t think there’s anything waiting for me at the finish line? I wish I shared the strength of faith that seemingly all the rest of you have. I WANT to believe in God so I have a chance to see Kayla again. But everyone WANTS Santa Claus to be real too. It doesn’t help me really do it. I wish it did.

[Djh0901kc]

1 hour ago, Azipod said:

I've had so many adventures with my wife

We were big Halloween freaks and every year we sought out the big, high production value Haunted Houses. We would look for the highest rated ones and check out a couple a year. I just got an email from Basement of the Dead. It’s supposed to be the best one in the state and we were so looking forward to it this year. I actually still want to go but in all our adventures to haunted attractions, I’ve literally never seen anyone go by theirselves. The actors may actually latch onto that and call it out. How am I supposed to go on doing this thing we loved by myself

[waitingtowakeup]

It's our anniversary today.  

It hurts, I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do.

[Djh0901kc]

27 minutes ago, waitingtowakeup said:

It's our anniversary today.  

It hurts, I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do.

I’m so sorry. Our anniversary was the first of this month. It was one of the worst days of my life. Have you made plans to do anything? Do you have to work?

[Tineke H]

Hi to all of you.I have not been on the forum for a while.My husband died June '16 in bed next to me,only 51 years old.For the last couple of weeks I have started to feel the need to read on this forum again.Not sure why.

KayC,It sounds as if you are going through a very rough patch at the moment.A side that I have not seen of you.To me you are the 'Mother' of the forum,always answering and replying to topics and giving solid advice to all of us.And you are 'already' 12 years in so you have seen it all.But you are obviously also still suffering.I want to speak out the cliche of my heart goes out to you.

What keeps me going when I feel really,really awful?I will ask myself what Steve would want me to do.What he would want me to do with my day,with my life.I desperately want him to be proud of me.Those thoughts keep me going.'What would he want me to do'.

About which side of the bed I sleep.I sleep across the bed and I keep the small box of ashes that I still have of him with me under the blankets.He is with me in bed at night and he is with me in my heart during the day.I can hear him saying:'Go girl,go girl'.

[KMB]

3 hours ago, waitingtowakeup said:

 

It's our anniversary today.  

It hurts, I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do.

 

Welcome to our grief family. I am deeply sorry for your reason in being here. I never knew these forums were available, until I was searching for anything to help me after my husband passed suddenly last year. I honestly never thought I would be going through what I am, for many years. This forum has become a life line for me.

I know you are hurting. Special days are tough to deal with. Do or don't do whatever you are comfortable with. If you honor your anniversary with the same tradition, or something different, that is ok. If you decide to be alone with your thoughts, that is ok too.

[Azipod]

4 hours ago, waitingtowakeup said:

It's our anniversary today.  

It hurts, I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do.

Waitingtowakeup.   I am so sorry but we are here for you.   My wedding anniversary will be 3-days from now, on Monday.    Anniversaries are always important to my wife.  I will do something special, and spend some time with her, both in spirit and in person.

 

[KayC]

Tineke,

I don't think this ever ends.  It IS hard.  It's not about whether it's hard or not, it's how we do it, and that's going to be different for each of us.  I don't think I'm going through a rough patch, no rougher than the last 12 years, the fact is, it does hit us sometimes, no matter how long it's been, and we deal with it...we have no choice.

Azipod,

I wish there were something I could say to help you through this.  I'm glad I believe in God, it makes it easier.  To those who don't, I just tell them to keep their minds open for what might be.  It helps to look at the universes, the stars, the galaxies, so many videos out on that...I like to look at them and wonder where he is, he's somewhere.  I will be with him again.

[KayC]

On 9/22/2017 at 5:15 AM, waitingtowakeup said:

It's our anniversary today.  

It hurts, I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do.

I'm sorry, I know it's hard, I hit ours four months after he died.  I couldn't carry out the plans I'd made.  

[Azipod]

44 minutes ago, Tineke Tjepkema said:

What keeps me going when I feel really,really awful?I will ask myself what Steve would want me to do.What he would want me to do with my day,with my life.I desperately want him to be proud of me.Those thoughts keep me going.'What would he want me to do'.

About which side of the bed I sleep.I sleep across the bed and I keep the small box of ashes that I still have of him with me under the blankets.He is with me in bed at night and he is with me in my heart during the day.I can hear him saying:'Go girl,go girl'.

Hi Tineke.  Can you share with us your journey for the past year?  Where are you today in your grief process?  A few of us are very new to this and each day is a new challenge.  

Thank you for the inspiring words about learning how to carry forward with our loved ones.  I think we all need to find that special something, whether tangible or not, to keep us going forward.  What that is for me, is unknown at this time.  I'll be sure to constantly seek it out.

[KMB]

19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

I appreciate what you guys are saying. That we have to just keep plugging away so we’re eventually reunited with our loved ones. But I don’t know if I believe that. Like I said, I pray but I don’t know if I really believe in God or if I’m just doing it to have someone to talk to. People say they can feel the presence of their loved ones. I don’t. I don’t feel anything. That’s part of why I feel so hopeless. I’m just supposed to slog through one day at a time for 40 years when I don’t think there’s anything waiting for me at the finish line? I wish I shared the strength of faith that seemingly all the rest of you have. I WANT to believe in God so I have a chance to see Kayla again. But everyone WANTS Santa Claus to be real too. It doesn’t help me really do it. I wish it did.

 

You don't have to believe in God to pray. if you believed before, He understands the complexity of your emotions with your loss, and it is natural to question your faith during this time.  I don't feel you need to question strength of faith,  just not discounting it altogether.What is important, is whatever we choose to help us hang on and get through the days.

When we are intensely grieving, it isn't easy to feel our loved ones presence. Grieving is negative energy. Kind of hard for the loving, positive energy of our loved ones to break through that.

Spend some quiet time for yourself. Find a safe place where you can just relax, without the usual noise, activities.. Do some deep breathing. Concentrate on your breathing. Allow your mind and your heart to open, so you can receive sensations of presence or hear words that are not your own. Kayla is with you, she is doing whatever she can to bring you comfort.  Sometimes, our grieving blocks their attempts in reaching out.

[Azipod]

8 minutes ago, KayC said:

Azipod,

I wish there were something I could say to help you through this.  I'm glad I believe in God, it makes it easier.  To those who don't, I just tell them to keep their minds open for what might be.  It helps to look at the universes, the stars, the galaxies, so many videos out on that...I like to look at them and wonder where he is, he's somewhere.  I will be with him again.

Thank you, KayC.   I really like your post about "How to Support Someone Who is Grieving."    I too wish they handed those stuff out to everyone.

[Tineke H]

Hi Azipod,

I will tell you where I am at the moment.

I have come a long way and the hysterical,crying,screaming waves are now over.I still cry most days,but it is more a quiet sad crying.Sometimes on my own, sometimes with a friend or with my sister who has been my life line over the last year.I find it more difficult to talk with friends/relatives about Steve because 'it has already been over 15 months'.Not that they say they mind but you sometimes know that their thoughts are some where else.Maybe that is why I now have turned again to this forum.Everybody here understands how I feel.

But,with all the sadness that is going on on these forums: Things do change.You will feel different after a while,not necessarily better,but definitely different.You will not know how long it will take before you start enjoying things again,that is different for every one.When I am out doing something that Steve and I always used to do together,I have started to enjoy it again.When I am out there windsurfing or cycling a nasty steep hill,I can hear him say : 'Go girl,go'.

But really a lot of the time I am still very sad.

We have to accept that the person we loved so much is gone.The person is gone but the relationship is still there.It hurts and we all on this forum know that.I feel that I have to live life for me and Steve;I have to make every effort to make the best of it.It is a struggle,but what can you do?We have no choice.But would we not want our loved one to be proud of us?Of course we do!

[TooDevastated]

On 21.09.2017 at 5:39 AM, KMB said:

I am sorry you are not receiving the support you need from your family. You don't really hate them though. You are disappointed in their reaction and words .I get that. We don't always get the support we need and expect from those that love us.This is one of the hard lessons with grieving that is learned. Down the road, if one of those that love you, lose someone,  you will have the hard earned experience to treat them the way they should have treated you with your grieving. You will be there for them in the right way.

It will do you and his mom good to talk about him and cry together. You mention putting aside the resentments or hard feelings to do this. It would help you to let go of all that with your own family as well. Healing will take place with forgiveness.

Yes. I'm very VERY disappointed in their reaction and words! I tried to be patient and tolarate them but it's just too hard at the moment.

I'm looking forward to my visit to his mums next month. I hope we can comfort each other a bit... 

[TooDevastated]

On 21.09.2017 at 6:08 AM, KMB said:

it would be a tragedy to the loved ones left behind who would grieve for you. As much as we would have wished to go at the same time with our loved one, it very rarely happens that way.

Time and patience will help you to survive. Your inner dialogue will change as time goes on. Your wife is right by your side. She will be helping you, guiding you through the maze of grieving. She will help you to see that you have value and self worth. You are here for a purpose. We all are. You don't know what that purpose is yet. It will come along in its good timing.

My death woudlnt really be such a tragedy as none of the people in my life depends on me. I'm not the only child for mum, so she'll be fine. My sister is planning to get married next summer so she'll be fine. They all still have the most important person for them in their lives. And I no longer play the leading role in someone's life! Nobody is interested in where I spend my days, what I am doing, or actually deeply care about how I feel... 

[Djh0901kc]

7 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

My death woudlnt really be such a tragedy as none of the people in my life depends on me. I'm not the only child for mum, so she'll be fine. My sister is planning to get married next summer so she'll be fine. They all still have the most important person for them in their lives. And I no longer play the leading role in someone's life! Nobody is interested in where I spend my days, what I am doing, or actually deeply care about how I feel... 

Exactly. I no longer play a leading role in someone’s life is a great way to put it. I’m more of a burden to everyone now that just makes them sad.

[TooDevastated]

On 21.09.2017 at 4:36 PM, KayC said:

I had experienced loss...I'd lost my father when I was 29, my three year old nephew who had lived with us when I was but 15, a nearly two year old niece when I was in my early 40s, my grandparents, aunts and uncles, but no divorce, no other loss compares to losing my husband who is my soulmate and best friend, we were so in love, so one.  There is no preparation for this.  We didn't meet until our 40s, and unlike some of you, I didn't have a wonderful life in my early years, I'd had nothing but abuse and hardship, meeting  George changed my life.  At last my day had come!  And as quickly as it came...it was ripped from me.  Unfortunately I have the genes that you live well into your 90s.  Had I but taken after my father I'd be dead now, but no, I favor my mom in so many ways, my genes are hers, I can only see my sense of humor came from my dad.  I look like her, my medical history is like hers...I will likely spend 40 years here surviving without George, throughout my old age, living alone, spending Christmases alone, shoveling snow and hauling firewood way past when others are in walkers and homes.  How does one do old age alone?  Spending not only evenings alone, but days as well.  No one to drive you to/from the doctor for surgery.  No one to help you move furniture.  No one to consult with about contractors or budgeting.  No one.  Period. 

All I know to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  

I walk my dog twice a day, every day.  If there is lightening, I wait for it to end before going out, but other than that, my dog and I walk in torrential downpours, blistering heat, ice, snow, everything.  My doctor said whatever I do, don't quit.  So I keep going.  Grief is like that, you have to keep going, no matter what.  One day at a time.  I can't look at the 40 years (which is now down to 28), I can only look at today.  I can't worry about how I'll do this time, how I'll get through it, I only have to do today...then tomorrow get up and do it all over again.  If that is hopelessness, don't tell me.  I have to keep going.  I have no choice.  I'm going to be with him again.

Kay, I shed tears reading this. I feel for you. I can only imagine what it must be like to be into 12 years in this loss and pain. It has also made me imagine that that's what I will go through if I get old as well! Noone around. 

Yes, you must keep going! We need you to guide us through our pains and you're so much needed and appreciated here. I'm sure your George is so proud of you and cant wait to be with you! 

[TooDevastated]

On 21.09.2017 at 9:18 PM, KMB said:

KayC,  You have been doing very well with taking it day by day. You carry your pain on the inside and keep plugging away. That is all any of us can do. It is a hard, tough road and there is absolutely nothing that can change it. We have to cope with the cards that were dealt to us. I sincerely hope that Azipod, TooDevastated, LoveGoli and Djh keep reading your posts and the posts of the rest of us, to get their inspiration, encouragement, to help them keep plugging away day by day. You will be with George again and I will be with Ed. Once we all get through this life, we will all be reunited with our soul mates again. It will be our reward for taking this road day by day, and hopefully finding a little meaning and purpose to this existence. Our loved ones had their life span for no matter how short or long that span was meant for. We have no choice but to finish out our life span in whatever way it is meant to go.

KMB, you're right. Although all we seem to do a lot of complaining about this new terrible kind of existence, your posts do help us. So, thank you guys for sticking around and being there for us all.

[TooDevastated]

7 hours ago, waitingtowakeup said:

It's our anniversary today.  

It hurts, I miss him so much. I don't even know what to do.

I'm so sorry waitingtowakeup. It was our anniversary on 15th and I had a really bad one. I hope you get a better day X

[TooDevastated]

12 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Exactly. I no longer play a leading role in someone’s life is a great way to put it. I’m more of a burden to everyone now that just makes them sad.

I went to sign up at a local pool so I can move my arms a bit to get rid of all the tense muscles that ache at nights... I thought about what it'd be like if Bruce were still alive. He'd drive me to the surgery to get tested for Hep B&C. He'd take me shopping for bathing suits. He'd even sign up with me so we could do it together! 

We cared about all the little things in our lives that even the fact that noone cares about what I eat everyday hurts me! He'd ask if I was hungry and bring over Thai food etc. He noticed all the little changes I made in my appearance, like coming my hair different or putting on a new skirt. There is absolutely nobody now. 

[Djh0901kc]

19 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I'm so sorry waitingtowakeup. It was our anniversary on 15th and I had a really bad one. I hope you get a better day X

Strange that so many of us had September anniversaries

[KMB]

40 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

My death woudlnt really be such a tragedy as none of the people in my life depends on me. I'm not the only child for mum, so she'll be fine. My sister is planning to get married next summer so she'll be fine. They all still have the most important person for them in their lives. And I no longer play the leading role in someone's life! Nobody is interested in where I spend my days, what I am doing, or actually deeply care about how I feel..

 I disagree. Your death WOULD be a tragedy. It doesn't matter if anyone depends on you. What matters is the love they feel for you. Your family are caught up in their lives, which is natural. But, if you died, they would be grieving. That is why it is our responsibility to let those we love, know what we need and want from them while we are grieving. They don't know unless you have a heart to heart talk with them.

We were born as individuals. With an individual life plan. Some people that come into our lives are only meant to be here for short term or long term. Yes, we lost our soul mates quicker than we would have preferred, but we still have our individual purpose to being here. The people still in our lives need us. There will be many more people coming into our lives for various reasons. We are here to learn from each other. You and your life do matter. You are here for a purpose. You still have love to share and things to teach others. You still have things to learn.Yes, we are all grieving for that special person, but we are learning many things during this process. This is why self care is so important during this time. You do matter and you need to take care of yourself. Just like you did before you met your soul mate.

[KMB]

1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

Exactly. I no longer play a leading role in someone’s life is a great way to put it. I’m more of a burden to everyone now that just makes them sad

You are not a burden to anyone! That is your own feelings causing you to think that way. There are a lot of crazy thoughts and feelings that go with grieving. But, that is all they are, just feelings. And feelings change over time. Once we start coming to terms with our loss, our minds also start having more clarity. One of the lessons learned in grieving, is learning how to stand on our own.

[Djh0901kc]

My wife’s whole family blames me for her death. Her father told me I should kill myself. My mom is having health problems and I know that worrying about me isn’t helping her. Everyone would be happier if I died.

[TooDevastated]

1 minute ago, Djh0901kc said:

My wife’s whole family blames me for her death. Her father told me I should kill myself. My mom is having health problems and I know that worrying about me isn’t helping her. Everyone would be happier if I died.

Kayla won't be happy if you kill yourself. I'm sure she wouldnt appreciate how her family treats you now. I know you dont believe it but you'd be taking away the chance for her and yourself of being together in an afterlife. Just keep an open mind and think "what if". What if we dont really disappear after death and there is still a form of existence? I hope you get a sign from her soon. 

[Azipod]

1 hour ago, Tineke Tjepkema said:

 

But really a lot of the time I am still very sad.

We have to accept that the person we loved so much is gone.The person is gone but the relationship is still there.It hurts and we all on this forum know that.I feel that I have to live life for me and Steve;I have to make every effort to make the best of it.It is a struggle,but what can you do?We have no choice.But would we not want our loved one to be proud of us?Of course we do!

 

Thank you Tineke.  I am afraid of being sad.  I miss my wife so much already.  I think I will always be sad.   It scares me to think that for many years I will continue to be sad because I know that I'll always miss having her here.  I thought we would have so much time together.

[TooDevastated]

20 minutes ago, KMB said:

 I disagree. Your death WOULD be a tragedy. It doesn't matter if anyone depends on you. What matters is the love they feel for you. Your family are caught up in their lives, which is natural. But, if you died, they would be grieving. That is why it is our responsibility to let those we love, know what we need and want from them while we are grieving. They don't know unless you have a heart to heart talk with them.

We were born as individuals. With an individual life plan. Some people that come into our lives are only meant to be here for short term or long term. Yes, we lost our soul mates quicker than we would have preferred, but we still have our individual purpose to being here. The people still in our lives need us. There will be many more people coming into our lives for various reasons. We are here to learn from each other. You and your life do matter. You are here for a purpose. You still have love to share and things to teach others. You still have things to learn.Yes, we are all grieving for that special person, but we are learning many things during this process. This is why self care is so important during this time. You do matter and you need to take care of yourself. Just like you did before you met your soul mate.

Well, even if my death would be a tragedy, it will happen one day. I just hope it's sooner rather than later! 

I'm not quite there yet with accepting he came into my life for a reason and left my life for another reason. He should have stayed with me for many many years to come! The reason would be to make me happy, have kids and grandkids together. His death is nothing but a mistake...

[Azipod]

1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

My death woudlnt really be such a tragedy as none of the people in my life depends on me. I'm not the only child for mum, so she'll be fine. My sister is planning to get married next summer so she'll be fine. They all still have the most important person for them in their lives. And I no longer play the leading role in someone's life! Nobody is interested in where I spend my days, what I am doing, or actually deeply care about how I feel... 

I feel the same.   My siblings and parents will not have to grieve for me like the way how I have to grieve for my wife.   It is too intense.

[KMB]

I'm sorry your wife's family blame you. I feel it is displaced blame though. They are grieving as well and when we grieve, we look for something or someone to blame. You were the closest to Kayla, therefore they are using you for their scapegoat in blame. It is done out of their own pain. This is something you will need to let go of. You know what you and Kayla had with each other. That is what only matters.

For her father to tell you outright to kill yourself, that is totally uncalled for. I would give it some time for things to settle a while and go back and try talking to him and let him know how painful those words are to you.

i do not have any suggestions for your mom, except to be there for her. Focusing on doing what you can for her, will give you a breathing space from your own grieving. Trust me, no one is going to be" happier" without you here. 

You have us here. We do care about you.

[Azipod]

1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

I went to sign up at a local pool so I can move my arms a bit to get rid of all the tense muscles that ache at nights... I thought about what it'd be like if Bruce were still alive. He'd drive me to the surgery to get tested for Hep B&C. He'd take me shopping for bathing suits. He'd even sign up with me so we could do it together! 

We cared about all the little things in our lives that even the fact that noone cares about what I eat everyday hurts me! He'd ask if I was hungry and bring over Thai food etc. He noticed all the little changes I made in my appearance, like coming my hair different or putting on a new skirt. There is absolutely nobody now. 

We've lost our lover and best friend. They were our soulmate.  They were the only person out there who we can count on every second.  Someone who truly understands us, understood who we were, and everything about us.  They loved us unconditionally.   Now, they are gone.    Along with sadness, I do feel that in time, I will be a very lonely and depressed soul.   

[waitingtowakeup]

1 minute ago, Azipod said:

We've lost our lover and best friend. They were our soulmate.  They were the only person out there who we can count on every second.  Someone who truly understands us, understood who we were, and everything about us.  They loved us unconditionally.   Now, they are gone.    Along with sadness, I do feel that in time, I will be a very lonely and depressed soul.   

I feel this way exactly. 

[Djh0901kc]

2 minutes ago, KMB said:

I'm sorry your wife's family blame you. I feel it is displaced blame though. They are grieving as well and when we grieve, we look for something or someone to blame. You were the closest to Kayla, therefore they are using you for their scapegoat in blame. It is done out of their own pain. This is something you will need to let go of. You know what you and Kayla had with each other. That is what only matters.

For her father to tell you outright to kill yourself, that is totally uncalled for. I would give it some time for things to settle a while and go back and try talking to him and let him know how painful those words are to you.

i do not have any suggestions for your mom, except to be there for her. Focusing on doing what you can for her, will give you a breathing space from your own grieving. Trust me, no one is going to be" happier" without you here. 

You have us here. We do care about you.

His exact words were you should kill yourself and do us all a favor. Kayla had problems with so many people in her family and they were never there for her. Now that she’s gone, everyone has come out of the woodwork. Cousins we hadn’t seen in years are posting things on our FB pages like I’ve said before. My mom posted an anniversary message to us on the first and an aunt made a nasty comment about it. I feel like they’re trying to erase our love. I know that sounds kind of silly but it’s how I feel. Like our whole 15 years together were some sham. I just want to show them our texts or FB messages where she told me how much she loved me 10times a day and how we couldn’t wait for work to be over and be together again.

[TooDevastated]

1 minute ago, Azipod said:

We've lost our lover and best friend. They were our soulmate.  They were the only person out there who we can count on every second.  Someone who truly understands us, understood who we were, and everything about us.  They loved us unconditionally.   Now, they are gone.    Along with sadness, I do feel that in time, I will be a very lonely and depressed soul.   

I too think I will become a very depressed and lonely soul in time. I dont think I'll be in a position to make any contributions. I'll cast myself away in a country house or something and live all alone... It's depressed to think about the future. I honestly hope the ww3 starts soon or an eathquake etc. kills me before that! 

[Djh0901kc]

6 minutes ago, Azipod said:

We've lost our lover and best friend. They were our soulmate.  They were the only person out there who we can count on every second.  Someone who truly understands us, understood who we were, and everything about us.  They loved us unconditionally.   Now, they are gone.    Along with sadness, I do feel that in time, I will be a very lonely and depressed soul.   

Yes. The only person who truly knew us is gone. And no one can EVER know us like that again.

[KMB]

4 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

The reason would be to make me happy, have kids and grandkids together. His death is nothing but a mistake...

It is really not another person's responsibility to make us happy. Happiness comes from within ourselves. The people we love only enhance that happiness.A lot of this grieving is for ourselves. What and who we miss and were used to. What we had planned in our minds got blown apart.Everyone has a fantasy land going on in their mind. Reality has a way of stepping in and destroying that fantasy. It is so very painful and insufferable when it does. Your loved ones death was not a mistake. His life plan was completed. Whatever lessons his soul needed to learn had been accomplished. Whatever he was to teach you through your relationship was taught.

[Djh0901kc]

12 minutes ago, KMB said:

 

You have us here. We do care about you.

I appreciate all of you guys

[KMB]

Djh, Kayla's family sounds dysfunctional. That kind of family thrives on drama.  I'm sorry for that. The best thing would probably just stay away from them. Kayla is with you in spirit. Hang onto that.

[Djh0901kc]

Just now, KMB said:

Djh, Kayla's family sounds dysfunctional. That kind of family thrives on drama.  I'm sorry for that. The best thing would probably just stay away from them. Kayla is with you in spirit. Hang onto that.

You are 100 percent right on about them. And Kayla had her own problems as well but she worked hard to overcome them and be different from her family. I have stayed away from them since the first few weeks but now that is one of the things they say they are angry at me about. It’s a no win situation.

[Djh0901kc]

She used to play a song from a musical called Repo The Genetic Opera. She loved/hated the line “I'm infected by my genetics.” I believe it was called Genetic Emancipation. Something she always wanted

[Djh0901kc]

I’m probably oversharing. Sorry. One of the side effects of loneliness maybe.

[KMB]

Don't worry about over sharing! That is the purpose of this forum and why we are here. We need a safe place to express our thoughts and feelings. A safe place where everyone here truly "gets us".

I get very lonely too. Which is why I'm on this forum so much. I stay away from my own family. They are dysfunctional too. My mother and brother are narcissists. They thrive on drama. Thrive on creating trouble for others and then sitting back looking all innocent. I quit playing into that a long time ago. Family doesn't mean you have to be blood related. Family means the people who truly stick by you and want the best for you.

[Djh0901kc]

5 minutes ago, KMB said:

Family doesn't mean you have to be blood related. Family means the people who truly stick by you and want the best for you.

That’s what I always told her. On our anniversary, I had one of those FB memories from her from two years ago. It said, "I’m a better person today than the person you met 13 years ago. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you." She had really come a long way. Counseling and the right medication played a big role in that too but I always liked to think that it was having someone who loved her unconditionally and believed in how amazing a person she was that allowed her to become the wonderful woman she was meant to be.

[Djh0901kc]

And she did the same for me. Having someone that loves you no matter what frees you to be who you really are. You don’t have to worry about the rest of the world because the only one that really matters is in your corner.

[KMB]

Kayla is indeed an amazing person! She knew she didn't want to be like the rest of her family, so she decided to conquer it to become the amazing person she knew she could be. You were both there for each other and helped each other become better people. Kayla still wants for you to be that person she helped you become. She is always going to be with you and guiding you. You will survive her physical absence, for yourself and for her. You will not let her down. Keep taking it one day at a time and make her proud!

[Azipod]

I feel so sad tonight. It’s Friday and I’m home from work, in the house alone.  I feel like I’m going to faint (I am OK).  I’ve never felt this Level of sadness and emptiness.

i really do hate Fridays.  It is the start of another weekend without my wife. It also marks the completion of another week without my wife.

Ive always expected grieving to be difficult.  But I’ve never imagined that I can go through so many levels and types of sadness. The different feelings are indescribable.