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Djh0901kc

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17 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I dont think there is any hope as we knew it. No hope. Just existing. 

That's not good enough for me. Why shouldn't I just jerk the wheel into an oncoming semi?

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

That's not good enough for me. Why shouldn't I just jerk the wheel into an oncoming semi?

Believe me its not good enough for me either. 

I wanna be dead. I just wanna be dead. In the initial days, I thought I wasnt the first to experience such pain and that I would go through this darkness somehow. Now I realise that I will never ever see my Brucey again and there is just nothing out there for me. I cry day and night and I have no idea what I am waiting for! 

I havent killed myself just because I want to be reunited with him on the other side. 

Im doing all I can to shorten my life though. The sooner the better! 

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8 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

What is the hope? Like what is the best case scenario for our lives now? To be lonely for the next 30 years? I just don't think that's worth it. I go to work seven days a week now because what else do I have to do. Everything I used to do for fun is tied to my wife. The holidays coming up are an utter nightmare for me as well. I'll most likely just avoid everyone and not participate. I'm so weary of this and it's been 13 weeks. I can't imagine doing it long term.

Yes I don't find any hope now, totally hopeless. This was my biggest nightmare and which is reality now, I can't imagine to live 30+ years more its very scary feeling. I tried to engage myself in office task but when I get home its so lonely, no one to wait for, no one is there who will demand evening snacks or dinner from me. No one there when I cook dinner, no one when I watched TV , just me with blank empty home. I heard before, people who did bad things will go to hell after death but I am living in hell without death.

How that one person can change your life, when we became so dependent to them.

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9 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I can't imagine doing it long term.

I can't imagine it either. That is why I just do one day at a time. So far, it is the only way it works for me, and I have made it 1 year and 1 month so far. One day at a time.

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4 minutes ago, KMB said:

I can't imagine it either. That is why I just do one day at a time. So far, it is the only way it works for me, and I have made it 1 year and 1 month so far. One day at a time.

Telling myself to do it one day at a time got me chugging along too.   But now I'm getting tired of this. Every time I tell myself to do it one day at a time, a part of my brain tells me that everyday is only going to be the same.

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7 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

That's not good enough for me. Why shouldn't I just jerk the wheel into an oncoming semi?

Because the driver of that semi and his loved ones and the loved ones of other motorists he may crash into whilst trying to avoid hurting you, will suffer for the rest of their lives.  

The extreme pain we, all here, have had foisted upon us sucks big time, but working our way through it and rebuilding our lives is something our late partners would all want us to do.  They have lost their lives, they wouldn't want us to hurt ourselves or others.  

We need to honor our soul-mates lives and do whatever it takes to get through our grief.  

It's frigg'n tough, but participation on this forum, the only way we've found to be among others who really understand what we are going through, is the best thing any of us can do for ourselves at this point in our lives. 

Even though some of us have been here for a while and have found our own ways which help us get through each day, each night, our hearts and souls still ache something terrible for our partners. We also love and want them back.  We don't read new posts, reply to them and turn off to others pain and suffering - our hearts ache for those people as well.  Our grief has brought us together and we gain the comfort, understanding, compassion and friendship that we can't find within our families and friends.  

Sadly, acceptance and adjustment comes much too slowly but with it comes a new found, deep empathy for others and an ability to love others much more easily - our hearts grow much larger. 

Sending strength, love and lots of hugs. 

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Believe me its not good enough for me either. 

I wanna be dead. I just wanna be dead. In the initial days, I thought I wasnt the first to experience such pain and that I would go through this darkness somehow. Now I realise that I will never ever see my Brucey again and there is just nothing out there for me. I cry day and night and I have no idea what I am waiting for! 

I havent killed myself just because I want to be reunited with him on the other side. 

Im doing all I can to shorten my life though. The sooner the better! 

I think you and I are trotting along the same route.   The initial shock of losing my wife has begun to wear off.  Now, I'm hit with another level of shock -- the shock that I will never ever be able to physically be with my wife for the rest of my life.  It's such a hard thought to swallow.   It is sad and depressing to know that I could never ever share a touch, a kiss, a smile together.  We can no look into each others eyes, and see how much we mean to each other.   Gone are the kisses, the hugs, and even the simples touches.   The thought of never ever being able to do this ever again kills me.  It feels like I'm being stabbed 1000 times.    I miss her so much that I cry just thinking about it.

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5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

  But now I'm getting tired of this

I am tired too. I am emotionally and mentally drained. There are so many times I wonder where I am getting the reserves of fortitude from to keep going. I am physically tired too. I swear I have aged at least 10 years during the past year. It is so exhausting to try to keep going.

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On 9/17/2017 at 2:09 PM, TooDevastated said:

 It's so unfair that she has gone through all the hard work of a PhD just to die after a decade. It's such a shame that a smart and accomplished woman has died so young.

 

She had a love for science.  I'm so glad she found so much joy making a career out of what she was truly interested in.  

I always thought it would be so unfortunate to have two lovers die together, unexpectantly (ie. accident).   Now, I think that's the perfect way to go.   The thought of lovers leaving earth together couldn't sound any more sweeter.    (this is all assuming we don't leave young children behind).

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21 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Telling myself to do it one day at a time got me chugging along too.   But now I'm getting tired of this. Every time I tell myself to do it one day at a time, a part of my brain tells me that everyday is only going to be the same.

You are so true, I am so tired of this repetitive schedule and how long we have to live like this, I can't say daily one day at time I just tired of this.

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7 hours ago, Azipod said:

I always thought it would be so unfortunate to have two lovers die together, unexpectantly (ie. accident).   Now, I think that's the perfect way to go.   The thought of lovers leaving earth together couldn't sound any more sweeter.    (this is all assuming we don't leave young children behind).

A few years back, on a quiet weekend, my boyfriend was scrolling through cute pictures online in bed. And he has shown me this photo and told me even death will not be a problem for us. Because this is what we would have looked like in death and it looked good. Your words reminds me of that weekend. I wish he were right. I wish we died together so neither of us were left to bear this kind of pain. 

Hasanlu_Lovers.jpg

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As time goes by, I'm finding that I miss so many of the tiny little things my wife did for me. They weren't major things and I didn't take them for granted but they always showed me how thoughtful and sweet she was. I'm going to start posting a list of them because I'm so afraid that I may forget. It's really more for me than anyone else.

-whenever we were going somewhere we would stop to get gas. While I ran in to get us cold drinks, she would wash the car windows and throw away any garbage.

-when we stayed in a hotel she would unpack our clothes and put everything away in the drawers and/or closets.

-whenever we went to the store she would ask if I needed deodorant/shampoo/body wash and then buy it anyway because she knew I had no idea what I was talking about.

-she constantly sent me otter videos(my fav animal) on FB and IG so that if I was having a bad day at work it would make me smile.

-she always stayed up late on days new dvds were released so that she could rent them from Redbox and we could have a movie night after work.

-she bought bananas every time she went to the grocery store so she could keep a never ending supply of banana bread on the kitchen counter for me.

-she went through the circular ads every week to be on the look out if any of my favorite foods went on sale.

- she bought clothes for me without telling me and just hung them in the closet because she knew it was something I would never do for myself.

-she kept track of when my car needed oil changes and new tires and take care of it for me because, again, I'm bad at paying attention to that stuff.

-she watched for flash sales on video games I had been wanting and would buy them and have them downloaded when I got home.

-she marked on the calendar when our favorite shows were coming back. I would never have known otherwise.

Like I said, none of these are big, life changing things. But I miss them so much now. I'm going to keep posting more as I think of them.

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Your list is very touching.  Your wife is definately a winner.  As a young male myself, I can see how you could appreciate all those little things that she did for you.  A lot of times during our days, we focus on all the big tasks we have to do.  And then we don't give much thought about the little things that actually carry us forward, such as the shampoo, clothes, bananas, favorite food, etc.  -- which really, is really meaningful for us.     

I've missed all the hugs that my wife use to give me every day.   Sometimes I thought it was too much.   But now, I realize how much value they were, and how much I miss the hugs.  I would give anything now just to get another hug from my wife.

We've had a good marriage/relationship.  But I still think this saying is true...... "you don't know what you have until its taken away."

I miss her so much.  =*(

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39 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Like I said, none of these are big, life changing things. But I miss them so much now. I'm going to keep posting more as I think of them.

But they ARE big. They ARE life changing. They are the things that really mattered the most. It's those little things that Lori did for me that I hold most dearly to my heart. 

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17 hours ago, M88 said:

Because the driver of that semi and his loved ones and the loved ones of other motorists he may crash into whilst trying to avoid hurting you, will suffer for the rest of their lives.  

The extreme pain we, all here, have had foisted upon us sucks big time, but working our way through it and rebuilding our lives is something our late partners would all want us to do.  They have lost their lives, they wouldn't want us to hurt ourselves or others.  

We need to honor our soul-mates lives and do whatever it takes to get through our grief.  

It's frigg'n tough, but participation on this forum, the only way we've found to be among others who really understand what we are going through, is the best thing any of us can do for ourselves at this point in our lives. 

Even though some of us have been here for a while and have found our own ways which help us get through each day, each night, our hearts and souls still ache something terrible for our partners. We also love and want them back.  We don't read new posts, reply to them and turn off to others pain and suffering - our hearts ache for those people as well.  Our grief has brought us together and we gain the comfort, understanding, compassion and friendship that we can't find within our families and friends.  

Sadly, acceptance and adjustment comes much too slowly but with it comes a new found, deep empathy for others and an ability to love others much more easily - our hearts grow much larger. 

Sending strength, love and lots of hugs. 

In reading through all the posts here, I find this one best addresses the others.  It IS hard, and life is not the same after losing them.  My life before is gone now.  But eventually we do adjust and I guess that's where our hope lies.  That we can learn to live alone.  That we learn to handle everything ourselves.  Yes, we keep on missing them, but it doesn't stay as shocking and painful as it was at first, it settles into something we can carry eventually.  I know you disbelieve it, but I've lived it...I wouldn't have believed it either, that I could ever live without George here I could not fathom or believe, he was everything to me and I totally look forward to being with him again.  But for now I owe it to myself to do this the best way I know how.  I try by not giving up, by being here where there's others going through it and get it.  My life has totally changed.  I haven't gone camping since George died.  Why?  Because that was something WE did, together.  I admire those who can just march right on still doing the things they used to do together, I can't do that.  My life is different now, it's lost it's previous luster, but I do try to find good in it, just in different ways.  Something is always better when shared and I no longer have that person to share life with.  Going solo is much more of a challenge.

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waitingtowakeup
3 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

Like I said, none of these are big, life changing things. But I miss them so much now. I'm going to keep posting more as I think of them.

I miss them too. :( The little things are the big things. I'm haunted by them every minute.

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It's not that I don't believe it's possible to get through it. I'm sure it is. Everyone says people have been losing soulmates for thousands of years and they made it. And that's true too. But not everyone does. The risk of death for a widowed person in the three years following the death of a spouse is something like double the average rate. For those of us under 40 it's even higher. I just can't convince myself that figuring out how to exist in some half-life for another 30 years is worth it

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

I've missed all the hugs that my wife use to give me every day.   Sometimes I thought it was too much.   But now, I realize how much value they were, and how much I miss the hugs.  I would give anything now just to get another hug from my wife.

We've had a good marriage/relationship.  But I still think this saying is true...... "you don't know what you have until its taken away."

We also used to hug each other every day, when he got home and I ran to main door after hearing door bell, I kissed him and hug him. I told him many times that when I hug you it gives me peace some kind of inner peace and then he hugged me more tight. I miss all those small things now, the way he stand behind in kitchen with me, took care of every small things like grocery , bills etc. I missed when he gave me bundle of clothes on weekends for laundry and smile , I miss when anything special food we eat and he gave me first bite from his plate to taste, I miss everything.

Some days are ok to handle but some days are so painful to handle, this is too much. 

I told him many times that I love him so much but still I feel like I didn't tell him enough that how much he means to me, that I love him more than anything.

This isso true that .... "you don't know what you have until its taken away.""

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2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I just can't convince myself that figuring out how to exist in some half-life for another 30 years is worth it

I don't feel you have to actively convince yourself. There is no need to place that extra burden on yourself, when it is more than enough just to get out of bed every day, either going to work or just basic functioning. Doing each day as it comes is good enough, more than enough. I know everyone has a different schedule, work hours etc.  I am retired and even though it has been a little over a year for me, I still stay in bed in the morning as late as possible. This morning, my dog wanted out at 7. When he came in, I said the heck with the early time and went back to bed. I finally dragged myself up at 9. It is now just going on 9:30pm here and I feel that I managed a 12 hour day, now I'm ready to lay in bed, flip tv channels, read for awhile and feel that this  day is another one behind me. Another day closer to being reunited with my hubby.  I have changed with my loss. In my" before" life, I never stayed in bed this long. I was always up before the sun. I was enthralled with another new day. I have progressed, I used to stay in bed all day, crying, staring at the tv mindlessly. if I closed my eyes, the images and memories had me crying some more. Grieving is a very long process.  Every one handles it differently. You will progress too. At your own rate, your own time table. Don't even bother thinking of the future. It is an unknown. The following months will unfold the way they are meant to. Time will help the evolving of the grieving. Have patience with yourself.

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11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

It's not that I don't believe it's possible to get through it. I'm sure it is. Everyone says people have been losing soulmates for thousands of years and they made it. And that's true too. But not everyone does. The risk of death for a widowed person in the three years following the death of a spouse is something like double the average rate. For those of us under 40 it's even higher. I just can't convince myself that figuring out how to exist in some half-life for another 30 years is worth it

All I do is keep wishing is a second chance in the last few days. I wish it were possible to do things differently for second time. I also dont think it's not worth making it.

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11 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

This is really interesting. I was diagnosed with heart arrythmia after my boyfriends passing. My heart still feels fragile. Its bad but I honestly hope it fails so I can join him. 

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

This is really interesting. I was diagnosed with heart arrythmia after my boyfriends passing. My heart still feels fragile. Its bad but I honestly hope it fails so I can join him. 

I hope this for me too but i think my family will never let this happen because they are taking care of me too much.

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I would have thought if anyone could die of a broken heart, I would have in that first year, but it didn't happen.  I guess I figure since I have to stick around I might as well take care of myself and give myself the best chance for recovery possible...even though that recovery is not an "end" but a continuing process.

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1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

I hope this for me too but i think my family will never let this happen because they are taking care of me too much.

I pushed all family away last week. I cant stand my mums words about I should stop grieving and get back to my life or my sister's words about him just being a boyfriend and how I will have plenty of chance to meet with other brilliant guys. I hate them for saying those things to me. I asked them numerous times to just be there for me and not comment. Just be quiet and support me. They just can't. 

I'm in a total self-destruction mode. I'll put aside any hard feelings or resentment towards his family for treating me as if we were only good mates with him and pay a visit to his mum next month. At least we share the same heartache of losing him too early. Maybe talking about him and crying together would do us both some good. 

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3 minutes ago, KayC said:

I would have thought if anyone could die of a broken heart, I would have in that first year, but it didn't happen.  I guess I figure since I have to stick around I might as well take care of myself and give myself the best chance for recovery possible...even though that recovery is not an "end" but a continuing process.

From what I know, experience makes the heart stronger. That's why people who have heart attacks under 40 are more likely to die. The more you have experience with sad situations, the stronger your body gets. It's like getting immune to it. My psychiatrist has explained something like this too. 

I think those of us here who are younger, this is pain beyond our imagination. We do not have experience with plenty of break-ups, divorce, not even losing our parents. Everything in our lives were almost perfect and we were so ignorant that we could never comprehend hurting like this and keep existing is even possible. 

 

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On 9/19/2017 at 3:31 AM, TooDevastated said:

A few years back, on a quiet weekend, my boyfriend was scrolling through cute pictures online in bed. And he has shown me this photo and told me even death will not be a problem for us. Because this is what we would have looked like in death and it looked good. Your words reminds me of that weekend. I wish he were right. I wish we died together so neither of us were left to bear this kind of pain. 

Hasanlu_Lovers.jpg

This is a lovely photo.  I would have never been able to appreciate a sighting like this if I had not lost my wife.   In some ways, I wished that photo was me and my wife.

Yesterday during my grief support group, I talked about how the majority would view a partners dying together as a major tragedy.   For example, two lovers dying together in some freak car crash.    Given what I am going through, in my view, I think this would be a joy to experience.   There's no greater gift in life than to leave the world together with someone you cherish and love.  Someone that is the most important person to you in this world.   I say this because I don't have any dependents --  others may feel different about this.

I say it over and over again. I'd give anything so I can be with my wife again.  I just feel so stuck.

 

 

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15 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

We also used to hug each other every day, when he got home and I ran to main door after hearing door bell, I kissed him and hug him. I told him many times that when I hug you it gives me peace some kind of inner peace and then he hugged me more tight. I miss all those small things now, the way he stand behind in kitchen with me, took care of every small things like grocery , bills etc. I missed when he gave me bundle of clothes on weekends for laundry and smile , I miss when anything special food we eat and he gave me first bite from his plate to taste, I miss everything.

Some days are ok to handle but some days are so painful to handle, this is too much. 

I told him many times that I love him so much but still I feel like I didn't tell him enough that how much he means to me, that I love him more than anything.

This isso true that .... "you don't know what you have until its taken away.""

I don't know how to deal with this.  The sad feelings are so overwhelming.    I'm feeling worst than I did before during the initial weeks after my wife left.

The shock has mostly worn off.  The shock was more to deal with how to deal with the immediate change of not having someone there.

Now, I'm living the reality.  The reality that my wife is no longer here, and will NEVER be here ever again.   I can't deal with that thought.  It's different, but in many ways, more intense and severe than the earlier stages.   It is so painful.

It is so painful to feel that you cannot come home to the one you love, the one that you rely on when everything else falls apart in your life.    I am left to suffer, on my own.

I use to nudge my wife in the middle of the night with my foot... just to give myself the security that she's still here, next to me.    I can't ever do that again.  I know she's not here. And that is what hurts most.

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6 minutes ago, Azipod said:

This is a lovely photo.  I would have never been able to appreciate a sighting like this if I had not lost my wife.   In some ways, I wished that photo was me and my wife.

Yesterday during my grief support group, I talked about how the majority would view a partners dying together as a major tragedy.   For example, two lovers dying together in some freak car crash.    Given what I am going through, in my view, I think this would be a joy to experience.   There's no greater gift in life than to leave the world together with someone you cherish and love.  Someone that is the most important person to you in this world.   I say this because I don't have any dependents --  others may feel different about this.

I say it over and over again. I'd give anything so I can be with my wife again.  I just feel so stuck.

 

 

Reminds me of the chorus to "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" by The Smiths:

And if a double-decker bus 
Crashes into us 
To die by your side 
Is such a heavenly way to die 
And if a ten-ton truck 
Kills the both of us 
To die by your side 
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

From what I know, experience makes the heart stronger. That's why people who have heart attacks under 40 are more likely to die. The more you have experience with sad situations, the stronger your body gets. It's like getting immune to it. My psychiatrist has explained something like this too. 

I think those of us here who are younger, this is pain beyond our imagination. We do not have experience with plenty of break-ups, divorce, not even losing our parents. Everything in our lives were almost perfect and we were so ignorant that we could never comprehend hurting like this and keep existing is even possible. 

 

Our life today, and everyday going forward, is in fact, the unimaginable.    It is the dark black hole that we travel through day in and day out.  It is a blur.  It is a fog.  It is the never ending journey that consumes us both physically and emotionally.   It is the unimaginable.

   

 

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Reminds me of the chorus to "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" by The Smiths:

And if a double-decker bus 
Crashes into us 
To die by your side 
Is such a heavenly way to die 
And if a ten-ton truck 
Kills the both of us 
To die by your side 
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

I wish I could like or fav that like on FB or IG

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

**** guys I am so bummed out today

Hang in there. I also have a weird feeling about tonight. Its night time in UK. It was a lot hotter in my area today than is expected at the end of a september and I can see loads and loads of stars in the sky tonight which you dont always get to see in busy cities... 

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

I use to nudge my wife in the middle of the night with my foot... just to give myself the security that she's still here, next to me.    I can't ever do that again.  I know she's not here. And that is what hurts most.

I used to wake up to boyfriend kissing me without opening his eyes with blind aim and feel a bit annoyed but still pleased. We'll never feel the warmth and safety of their presence. Its so tragic. I cant sleep more than 3-4 hours at nights now. 

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

This is a lovely photo.  I would have never been able to appreciate a sighting like this if I had not lost my wife.   In some ways, I wished that photo was me and my wife.

I found it beautiful then. I find it even more meaningful now. A 2000 years old kiss with your loved one. Thats paradise compared to what we got. 

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12 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

I used to wake up to boyfriend kissing me without opening his eyes with blind aim and feel a bit annoyed but still pleased. We'll never feel the warmth and safety of their presence. Its so tragic. I cant sleep more than 3-4 hours at nights now. 

I sleep like 90 minutes at a time. I'll wake up, look at the clock, and go back to sleep for another hour and a half. It happens all night every night

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2 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I sleep like 90 minutes at a time. I'll wake up, look at the clock, and go back to sleep for another hour and a half. It happens all night every night

Oh yeah. I keep waking up as well. I can't stand the quietness of the night either. It gets so quiet and lonely that I get scared of going insane. So I put on a video or a film on to sleep to the sound. 

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24 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Hang in there. I also have a weird feeling about tonight. Its night time in UK. It was a lot hotter in my area today than is expected at the end of a september and I can see loads and loads of stars in the sky tonight which you dont always get to see in busy cities... 

I've too been feeling really down lately -- today is no exception.   The grief is so consuming.   The grief which I've been carrying around 24/7 suddenly became twice as heavy.  And it's really making me sad.

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30 minutes ago, TooDevastated said:

Oh yeah. I keep waking up as well. I can't stand the quietness of the night either. It gets so quiet and lonely that I get scared of going insane. So I put on a video or a film on to sleep to the sound. 

I've been watching the mummy trilogy like 15 minutes at a time for the last week. Wake up, go back to the last thing I remember, and repeat.

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12 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I pushed all family away last week. I cant stand my mums words about I should stop grieving and get back to my life or my sister's words about him just being a boyfriend and how I will have plenty of chance to meet with other brilliant guys. I hate them for saying those things to me. I asked them numerous times to just be there for me and not comment. Just be quiet and support me. They just can't. 

I'm in a total self-destruction mode. I'll put aside any hard feelings or resentment towards his family for treating me as if we were only good mates with him and pay a visit to his mum next month. At least we share the same heartache of losing him too early. Maybe talking about him and crying together would do us both some good.

I am sorry you are not receiving the support you need from your family. You don't really hate them though. You are disappointed in their reaction and words .I get that. We don't always get the support we need and expect from those that love us.This is one of the hard lessons with grieving that is learned. Down the road, if one of those that love you, lose someone,  you will have the hard earned experience to treat them the way they should have treated you with your grieving. You will be there for them in the right way.

It will do you and his mom good to talk about him and cry together. You mention putting aside the resentments or hard feelings to do this. It would help you to let go of all that with your own family as well. Healing will take place with forgiveness.

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12 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I think those of us here who are younger, this is pain beyond our imagination. We do not have experience with plenty of break-ups, divorce, not even losing our parents. Everything in our lives were almost perfect and we were so ignorant that we could never comprehend hurting like this and keep existing is even possible. 

Loss is painful at a young age. We are not taught about death and how to cope effectively with losing someone we love. Unfortunately, dying and death is still treated like a taboo subject. Birth and living is much more talked about because it is pleasure and joy. It doesn't make you ignorant, by any means. It just means the fact that you haven't lived long enough to know the true sorrows that balance out the joys of life. You are having your first experience with losing someone you deeply loved. This grieving process will make you stronger to face other tragic events in life.:wub:

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

 Given what I am going through, in my view, I think this would be a joy to experience.

it would be a tragedy to the loved ones left behind who would grieve for you. As much as we would have wished to go at the same time with our loved one, it very rarely happens that way.

Time and patience will help you to survive. Your inner dialogue will change as time goes on. Your wife is right by your side. She will be helping you, guiding you through the maze of grieving. She will help you to see that you have value and self worth. You are here for a purpose. We all are. You don't know what that purpose is yet. It will come along in its good timing.

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9 hours ago, Azipod said:

Now, I'm living the reality.  The reality that my wife is no longer here, and will NEVER be here ever again.   I can't deal with that thought.  It's different, but in many ways, more intense and severe than the earlier stages.   It is so painful.

it is so very painful. We have to face that reality every single day. That is why we go from moment to moment, hour by hour, day by day. It is the only way to cope. When our reality hits, it hits out of no where, front and center. The pain is even worse than the day we first lost them. Back then, our mind protected us with shock. That protection has faded away and we are forced to face the cold, hard truth. Facing it head on is how we make our way through. We have no choice.

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7 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

I feel like no one else curses but me. I'm the only one who I see with posts that get censored

 

This one did make me chuckle! You should hear me at home here when I'm having a particularly rough time. I rarely cursed "before".  But I do a lot now in dealing with the pain.

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I had experienced loss...I'd lost my father when I was 29, my three year old nephew who had lived with us when I was but 15, a nearly two year old niece when I was in my early 40s, my grandparents, aunts and uncles, but no divorce, no other loss compares to losing my husband who is my soulmate and best friend, we were so in love, so one.  There is no preparation for this.  We didn't meet until our 40s, and unlike some of you, I didn't have a wonderful life in my early years, I'd had nothing but abuse and hardship, meeting  George changed my life.  At last my day had come!  And as quickly as it came...it was ripped from me.  Unfortunately I have the genes that you live well into your 90s.  Had I but taken after my father I'd be dead now, but no, I favor my mom in so many ways, my genes are hers, I can only see my sense of humor came from my dad.  I look like her, my medical history is like hers...I will likely spend 40 years here surviving without George, throughout my old age, living alone, spending Christmases alone, shoveling snow and hauling firewood way past when others are in walkers and homes.  How does one do old age alone?  Spending not only evenings alone, but days as well.  No one to drive you to/from the doctor for surgery.  No one to help you move furniture.  No one to consult with about contractors or budgeting.  No one.  Period. 

All I know to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  

I walk my dog twice a day, every day.  If there is lightening, I wait for it to end before going out, but other than that, my dog and I walk in torrential downpours, blistering heat, ice, snow, everything.  My doctor said whatever I do, don't quit.  So I keep going.  Grief is like that, you have to keep going, no matter what.  One day at a time.  I can't look at the 40 years (which is now down to 28), I can only look at today.  I can't worry about how I'll do this time, how I'll get through it, I only have to do today...then tomorrow get up and do it all over again.  If that is hopelessness, don't tell me.  I have to keep going.  I have no choice.  I'm going to be with him again.

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KayC,  You have been doing very well with taking it day by day. You carry your pain on the inside and keep plugging away. That is all any of us can do. It is a hard, tough road and there is absolutely nothing that can change it. We have to cope with the cards that were dealt to us. I sincerely hope that Azipod, TooDevastated, LoveGoli and Djh keep reading your posts and the posts of the rest of us, to get their inspiration, encouragement, to help them keep plugging away day by day. You will be with George again and I will be with Ed. Once we all get through this life, we will all be reunited with our soul mates again. It will be our reward for taking this road day by day, and hopefully finding a little meaning and purpose to this existence. Our loved ones had their life span for no matter how short or long that span was meant for. We have no choice but to finish out our life span in whatever way it is meant to go.:wub:

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