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Djh0901kc

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5 hours ago, Azipod said:

  Fridays are always my weekly anniversaries.   I also hate Fridays because it's the start of another weekend without my wife.   I feel so devastated.

Same here. Late on a Friday night, before midnight, my husband suddenly left. Nothing could be done to bring him back. Long, lonely weekends now for me. Weekends were ours, to do anything together. There are no words to describe the pain and loneliness.

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

I can't do this

 

Yes, you can. Most of us have been there in that deep, dark place many times. I still find myself there occasionally. We can't stay there. We all need each other here to survive.

 

1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

On 9/14/2017 at 9:41 PM, KMB said:

I totally get that. I have a video of my husband that I cannot bring myself to watch. It was taken at an event we went to where he was interviewed. I was there and a first hand witness. it is all in my memories. But, to actually watch the video, I cannot do it. To see him moving, talking, hearing his voice, I am so afraid of the meltdown and not coming out of it.

Don't do it. It's a mistake. 

 

I get that. I don't want to make a mistake. I'm too afraid of what it will do to me. I don't need much of a trigger for a melt down. Watching a video might sink me for sure.  Maybe someday------

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

I know how you feel.  It is so awful.  We wake up sad every day and go through the same motions.  Sadly, we're also smart enough to know that for the forseeable future, things will keep repeating itself and that life will be grueling like this every day.      I wish there was a way to "turn off" this sadness.    If only we can all have our spouse back.    I would be the happiest husband in the world.

I am kinda jealous of my husband, i am not sure about other peoples but i am so jealous of him. He is gone early and i am left here for mourning, i wish I go first so he mourn here and I don't if  i am being selfish but i am not capable to handle this pain, this is too much to handle.

I saw him in dream today and it was very very real dream and when i just opened my eyes of excitement like he is back, it feels like hell. He was nowhere and that feeling i can not describe in words, i tried to sleep again so that i can see him again in my dream and you won't believe I saw him again. 

I am not sure if seeing him in dream is good bcs i can feel him in my dream but when i open my eyes that morning sucks even more and that day pain reach to other level. I miss him too much and weekends are so hard to handle.

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Lots of hugs, Djh. You can do it.  Most of us here have thought we couldn't, but we are doing it.  Continue coming here often and allow your most supportive friends into your life more - rely on them more.  Ditch any that aren't supportive. My best friends and daughter all live out of the district, and my son overseas, so I told them what time of day was hardest for me so they phone then. 

I'm at a stage where I love to watch the few videos I have of Gerry.   Love to hear his voice.  It took a few months before I could,  and there's still  tears and pain every time,  but watching them has got easier.  I'm just so pleased I have them.  In fact I must back them up.

Sending strength, love and hugs. 

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19 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I am not sure for which one of us I feel sadder, for him or for myself. It was terrible for us both. There is just too much grieving to be done. His loss, my loss, the secondary losses his absence causes, the future we were planning... 

It's been so difficult.  It's Saturday morning for me.  I feel OK today.  I recognize that my wife is physically not here -- and I am starting the weekend, alone again.

It hurts me so much to know that she will never be here with me again.   That's really my challenge lately.   Physically (though not emotionally), I am use to being home alone, cleaning alone, cooking for myself.  But I am still in shock about never ever being able to see my wife again.    It is such a scary though that it brings me back to the initial shock phase.   It's almost like beginning this entire trauma from the beginning.

I feel so sad.

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17 hours ago, waitingtowakeup said:

 

Today was my first day back to work. I just wanted to text him... call him throughout the day. I thought that maybe when I came home, he could be there. 

 

I so missed not receiving the occasional texts from my wife throughout the day as well!

Whenever I do get a text, I quickly pick up the phone thinking that there may be some remote possibility it is her.  But my brain will quickly jump in and tell me, no, it's not possible.

During the earlier days, I would come home seeing her car in the front of the house.   My heart says "this is great, my wife is at home."  My brain then quickly tells me no, it's not possible.

The days are grueling.  The nights are worst.  There is no end to this madness.

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16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I just keep replaying that last two seconds over and over. I love you. I love you. I love you. I just want to be with her and I would settle for just feeling nothing. If I had some way to do it I would end this right now

It indeed feels so nice to be able to end my live, so that I can be with my wife.   Aside from not believing in suicide, there's nothing wrong with the thought.

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

 Maybe N. Korea will nuke this country and we can all go home to our loved ones.

I am crossing my fingers for this.  I live in the West Coast in California.    Maybe I should move to Guam, or Japan.  Better yet, maybe buy a 1-way ticket to South Korea and create a scene at the DMZ.  I'm sure those folks at the border will take me out in a heartbeat.

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1 minute ago, Azipod said:

It indeed feels so nice to be able to end my live, so that I can be with my wife.   Aside from not believing in suicide, there's nothing wrong with the thought.

I wish we can donate our rest of the year to someone who need this, who has family because for us life is worthless, just waiting to die so why not to donate someone who need this more than us.

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

Same here. Late on a Friday night, before midnight, my husband suddenly left. Nothing could be done to bring him back. Long, lonely weekends now for me. Weekends were ours, to do anything together. There are no words to describe the pain and loneliness.

Going through each weekend is hell.

It's Saturday morning, doing laundry.  Then going to the local library for a class on urban cycling.  Then to my therapist.     Then go home and be alone.

FML!     

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14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am kinda jealous of my husband, i am not sure about other peoples but i am so jealous of him. He is gone early and i am left here for mourning, i wish I go first so he mourn here and I don't if  i am being selfish but i am not capable to handle this pain, this is too much to handle.

That is a very interesting thought.

Most people feel great sympathy for those who leave this earth early at a young age.   However, after seeing how us loved ones who remain on earth suffer, it actually may not be so bad after all.

Having some jealously for those who left us sounds like quite valid.

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Just wanted to apologize to everyone for being an extra depressing ball of sadness last night.  I watched that video and my brain snapped.

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

Yes, you can. Most of us have been there in that deep, dark place many times. I still find myself there occasionally. We can't stay there. We all need each other here to survive.

 

I get that. I don't want to make a mistake. I'm too afraid of what it will do to me. I don't need much of a trigger for a melt down. Watching a video might sink me for sure.  Maybe someday------

I'm glad I have the videos but last night showed I'm definitely not ready to watch them.

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Had my steak and wine. Set the table for two. Lit a candle. Poured two glasses of wine like Sean suggested. I even have a picture I took of her at dinner on NYE last year. She's sitting across from me at the table, looking so beautiful in an evening gown and pearl choker. I pulled it up on FB while I ate. I felt a little like a weirdo. Cried. Talked to her. Told her how much I love her. I don't know if I feel better or if I got anything out of it. But I did it. I'm still here. I guess that's something.

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@Azipod,

I still think of him as being gone on a long vacation of sorts, that I just have to wait out this interim time.  I guess however we have figured out how to do this, more power to us.

@TooDevastated,

I was hit with the remark about her hair being everywhere and no longer finding them.  My husband didn't have an overabundance of hair, he used to think he should get a discount on his haircuts because he had less to cut, the barber would laugh, but I think George meant it.  If I had but one hair, I would encase it in glass so nothing would happen to it, I could see it...boy would people think I was over the edge if they could hear this!

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On 9/15/2017 at 11:33 AM, TooDevastated said:

This is why I really really REALLY wanted to adopt his pet rabbit. At least I would have something affectionate and alive left from him. His family thought they, rather than me, ought to have him though. I know my boyfriend would hate to see me starting an argument with them. So I kept quiet. 

I am sorry you didn't get to keep it.  George never got to meet the animals I have now, all of them we'd had together have since passed away, but I know he would love them and I think he sees them even now with me and loves them.

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2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Just wanted to apologize to everyone for being an extra depressing ball of sadness last night.  I watched that video and my brain snapped.

No apologies needed, we understand.

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9 minutes ago, KayC said:

@Azipod,

I still think of him as being gone on a long vacation of sorts, that I just have to wait out this interim time.  I guess however we have figured out how to do this, more power to us.

I was hit with the remark about her hair being everywhere and no longer finding them.  My husband didn't have an overabundance of hair, he used to think he should get a discount on his haircuts because he had less to cut, the barber would laugh, but I think George meant it.  If I had but one hair, I would encase it in glass so nothing would happen to it, I could see it...boy would people think I was over the edge if they could hear this!

That beautiful brown hair and her big brown eyes were my favorite things about her physically. And her smile. I would give anything to find a hair on my shirt while I was at work. Like I said, I have her brush, which is full of her hair but it's not the same.

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4 minutes ago, KayC said:

No apologies needed, we understand.

I know but it makes me feel terrible. I know most of us here are already depressed or sensitive to stuff. I don't want to make it worse

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You aren't making anything worse for anyone.  We all need to vent sometimes, cry sometimes (okay, a lot), if we held it in it would poison us!

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18 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am not sure if seeing him in dream is good bcs i can feel him in my dream but when i open my eyes that morning sucks even more and that day pain reach to other level. I miss him too much and weekends are so hard to handle.

I have been through that quite a few times with the dreams. You wake up and you don't want to. Reality slaps hard. I try hard with the effort of reminding myself, that the dreams are a way of keeping the bond of connecting.

1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

No apologies needed, we understand.

I know but it makes me feel terrible. I know most of us here are already depressed or sensitive to stuff. I don't want to make it worse

 

No apologies, djh!  You are among your grief family here. We are the only ones who "get it".

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2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

 

Had my steak and wine. Set the table for two. Lit a candle. Poured two glasses of wine like Sean suggested. I even have a picture I took of her at dinner on NYE last year. She's sitting across from me at the table, looking so beautiful in an evening gown and pearl choker. I pulled it up on FB while I ate. I felt a little like a weirdo. Cried. Talked to her. Told her how much I love her. I don't know if I feel better or if I got anything out of it. But I did it. I'm still here. I guess that's something.

 

You got through it. You did what you wanted to do and needed to do. Your wife was there, sitting in her chair, giving you love and comfort.

Nothing that we do, vent or cry about is weird. We cope in whatever way that works for us. That is all that matters.

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4 hours ago, Azipod said:

Having some jealously for those who left us sounds like quite valid

I feel it is valid also. I envy my husband where he is now. Residing in a place of pure love and harmony. No pain or suffering of any kind. It is said that the afterlife is a lot like this earth. We can enjoy all we want without the drama, trials, heart aches, of this earth existence. i cannot wait to go there myself and enjoy it with my husband.

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19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I know but it makes me feel terrible. I know most of us here are already depressed or sensitive to stuff. I don't want to make it worse

I found myself planning my death last night. I thought about how I would end it. I even worked out the details so my family would thing I'd died of natural causes. I'm a scientist and I have got access to stuff to make things work smoothly... I actually enjoyed thinking about it. How would carefully finish my earthly deeds one by one and once I am finally ready I'd just go to the other side.

I hate my life now. I would want a future for myself. I would. I just know I cant have one without him in it. I miss all of his silly jokes, the way he would tease me, how he would bring me a hot water bottle and a cuppa when I got period cramps, how we used to cook tasty meals together, how we both loved cheese more than everything, how we used to watch laugh at Will Ferrell  films, how we would wait to watch star war films when we were together. I miss his obsession with WD40 spraying it on every piece of metal at my place and try and help me with fixing stuff. Its these small things that made me feel so alive and loved. I feel dead. This morning, I actually turned the water from hot to cold in shower hoping the heat shock might kill me. I dont want to be so lonely but I definitely dont want someone else. I want him back in my arms. My life really sucks... I am also sorry for the depressed post.

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23 hours ago, Azipod said:

It's been so difficult.  It's Saturday morning for me.  I feel OK today.  I recognize that my wife is physically not here -- and I am starting the weekend, alone again.

It hurts me so much to know that she will never be here with me again.   That's really my challenge lately.   Physically (though not emotionally), I am use to being home alone, cleaning alone, cooking for myself.  But I am still in shock about never ever being able to see my wife again.    It is such a scary though that it brings me back to the initial shock phase.   It's almost like beginning this entire trauma from the beginning.

I feel so sad.

What I came to realise is that I was handling things a lot better during the first days and weeks. I hate weekends. I hate weekdays. I just hate my empty pointless life. I never realised he has taken over my whole life in these last 5 years. He has turned it into something so much better and now I cant go back to my old self. Never ever being able to see him is terrifying. He will never see the spring again. He loved it so much. We will never go to watch the second Fantastic Beasts film together and he was so excited there'd be the young Dumbledore this time. He wont see 2018. He wont be there for christmas. Every year, he used say all he wanted for christmas was me. Now ALL I want for christmas is him back with me!! I miss everything about my beautiful baby. 

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1 hour ago, TooDevastated said:

 

21 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I know but it makes me feel terrible. I know most of us here are already depressed or sensitive to stuff. I don't want to make it worse

I found myself planning my death last night. I thought about how I would end it. I even worked out the details so my family would thing I'd died of natural causes. I'm a scientist and I have got access to stuff to make things work smoothly... I actually enjoyed thinking about it. How would carefully finish my earthly deeds one by one and once I am finally ready I'd just go to the other side.

 

I know where you are coming from. I feel some of us have gone there many times. The thinking of how it could be done, so the intent isn't obvious enough to cause legal issues. Last winter was my first without my husband. A very long, lonely winter. I had zero motivation to keep myself physically busy. My mind was in over load constantly. I thought about staying outside during a very cold spell, making it look like I slipped or whatever, and just eventually falling asleep and freezing to death. I've also thought about dehydrating myself into death.

My words here might shock others, but the mind goes into dark, crazy places when the pain is ripping through you. I don't think of those thoughts as much as I used to. I got through one lonely winter and with it around the corner again, I know I will get through another one. I've got a to-do list started of things to keep me busy inside.

The main point is not to carry out the intent/action. People have been surviving the loss of loved ones for eons.Our ancestors survived, so can we.:wub:

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On 9/16/2017 at 10:54 AM, LoveGoli said:

I wish we can donate our rest of the year to someone who need this, who has family because for us life is worthless, just waiting to die so why not to donate someone who need this more than us.

This is the first time I've heard of the thought of "donating ones life" to another that can benefit from it.    This is an excellent thought and I'm sure it's good karma in return if this is possible.

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7 minutes ago, Azipod said:

This is the first time I've heard of the thought of "donating ones life" to another that can benefit from it.    This is an excellent thought and I'm sure it's good karma in return if this is possible.

Would have been nice if it were possible. I would gladly donate my rest of my days and health to someone who has desire to live.

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Does anyone else feel like since their loved one passed away nearly everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong? I feel like a magnet for bad luck these last 13 weeks

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I found myself planning my death last night. I thought about how I would end it. I even worked out the details so my family would thing I'd died of natural causes. I'm a scientist and I have got access to stuff to make things work smoothly... I actually enjoyed thinking about it. How would carefully finish my earthly deeds one by one and once I am finally ready I'd just go to the other side.

I hate my life now. I would want a future for myself. This morning, I actually turned the water from hot to cold in shower hoping the heat shock might kill me. I dont want to be so lonely but I definitely dont want someone else. I want him back in my arms. My life really sucks... I am also sorry for the depressed post.

TooDevastated -- I hope you are having a better day.  

My wife is also a scientist.  She loved her work.  She got her PhD in her 20s.   She's accomplished so much and enjoyed everyday of her life.   I miss her so much.

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3 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

What I came to realise is that I was handling things a lot better during the first days and weeks. I hate weekends. I hate weekdays. I just hate my empty pointless life. I never realised he has taken over my whole life in these last 5 years. He has turned it into something so much better and now I cant go back to my old self. Never ever being able to see him is terrifying. He will never see the spring again. He loved it so much. We will never go to watch the second Fantastic Beasts film together and he was so excited there'd be the young Dumbledore this time. He wont see 2018. He wont be there for christmas. Every year, he used say all he wanted for christmas was me. Now ALL I want for christmas is him back with me!! I miss everything about my beautiful baby. 

I'm actually really scared about the upcoming holidays.  I don't know how I'm going to do.   Supposely, there are grief classes out there to help u prep for this.

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11 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Does anyone else feel like since their loved one passed away nearly everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong? I feel like a magnet for bad luck these last 13 weeks

Yes.  Losing a partner/spouse is one of life's biggest crisis.   I can't believe we all have to go through this.

What did I do to deserve this?  It's heart breaking to lose a loved one.  It's another when we have to suffer everyday for the rest of our life.

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It just seems like it's one thing after another. The problems with my wife's family, the break ins at our house, the cleaning people taking so many of our things. Our cat, which had been staying at my mom's died last night. He was my wife's little baby. She carried him everywhere and he cried whenever she put him down. Now he's gone and I never even got to see him one last time. My last link to her it feels like is gone

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2 minutes ago, Azipod said:

TooDevastated -- I hope you are having a better day.  

My wife is also a scientist.  She loved her work.  She got her PhD in her 20s.   She's accomplished so much and enjoyed everyday of her life.   I miss her so much.

I am so sorry Azipod. From what I read from your posts, your wife sounds lovely. It's so unfair that she has gone through all the hard work of a PhD just to die after a decade. It's such a shame that a smart and accomplished woman has died so young.

I was planning to start my PhD studies in the new year. Now, I think whats the point? I dont want to grow old. I dont want to live for long years. I will make sure to shorten my time so I might as well enjoy my last years doing nothing instead of long lab hours. In all the academic events I attended, my boyfriend would be there to accompany me. There is simply no point without him...

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3 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

It just seems like it's one thing after another. The problems with my wife's family, the break ins at our house, the cleaning people taking so many of our things. Our cat, which had been staying at my mom's died last night. He was my wife's little baby. She carried him everywhere and he cried whenever she put him down. Now he's gone and I never even got to see him one last time. My last link to her it feels like is gone

I also have had one bad thing after the other. The people I supervise at work has seen this as an opportinity to compete with me to take over my position. I couldnt care any less but at least my employer made it clear she will be understanding and supportive. His family didnt let me take his pet nor could I get some of his ashes to make a plan myself. His house is being sold. My family is being the absolute opposite of understanding. Oh and some people actually asked me if I started dating again!! There is a stress-induced condition in my heart after my boyfriend died for which I refuse to take pills. The least I can do is not to increase my life expectancy!

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2 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Does anyone else feel like since their loved one passed away nearly everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong? I feel like a magnet for bad luck these last 13 weeks

Yes Djh. I've had to deal with a lot of heavy issues.  As yet, despite my attempts to resolve them, more just keep coming.  I often ask why the hell have I been left to sort them out and I hear my late hubby say 'because you're strong enough to do so'. 

He and I had such a contented lovely life prior to his death.  I live in a vastly different world now.  

Strength and hugs.

 

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Djh, I'm sorry you are dealing with the loss of your wife's cat. It is so hard when things keep piling up on top of losing our soul mate. Keep in mind that your wife and her cat are now keeping each other company in Heaven.:wub:

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8 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

What I came to realise is that I was handling things a lot better during the first days and weeks.

I think I was also handling things better in starting few 2-3 weeks but after that , its too much to handle. I am just quite now, don't talk to anyone or I can say I don't have any topic to discuss with them apart from my husband also I am not interested in their stupid topics.

They back to their normal life but for me normal no more exist, I wish  at least I can find peace somehow because right now my heart, mind is full of sadness and its overwhelming. Peoples discuss about there future plans, their trips and for me these things no more exist, I can't relate to these things now so alien to me.

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40 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I think I was also handling things better in starting few 2-3 weeks but after that , its too much to handle.

I felt I was handling things ok in those first few weeks also.  It was due though, to seeing to the priorities of what my husband had wanted for arrangements.People stopping over or calling. I spent the nights and weekends crying, but the weekdays were somewhat busy and I had to focus. After all that busyness, my loss was hitting me constantly. Then things would start popping up and I was no longer able to focus, concentrate. I was feeling overwhelmed because my husband wasn't here as my grounding center. I was a mess for many months. i did learn how to keep calm, think things through and cope. I had no choice. It is sink or swim. With our pets depending on me, I chose to swim.

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2 hours ago, KMB said:
3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I think I was also handling things better in starting few 2-3 weeks but after that , its too much to handle.

I felt I was handling things ok in those first few weeks also

I was so positive in first few weeks, thinking about becoming what he wanted me to be, trying new things. It took me 4 weeks to realize "he will never come back"  and I came to this forum. It becomes harder when I began to get used to being alone, and the secondary loss started to hit me. 

Still now I am in shock and it's hard for me to not think about the differences. I went to college to deal with some paperwork for graduation a few days ago. I used to text my boyfriend when I went to/finished school. Last time I was there, I heard his death. I couldn't help thinking about the details of that day, the good old memories that we had. It was terrible. Three months ago I was having a busy but happy life. And now I walked on the same streets but everything is not the same. 

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8 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I am just quite now, don't talk to anyone or I can say I don't have any topic to discuss with them apart from my husband also I am not interested in their stupid topics.

This is also me. There is almost nothing that I am interested in. I pretend to care when I have to do small talk. 

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@Azipod

We will help you through the holidays when the time comes...right now try not to go there, it's not upon us yet.  
@TooDevastated

Hang in there and try to give life a chance...I know you can't see it now but hope exists, it's just out of sight.  The thought of giving our life to a dying child sound noble, and lets us off the hook for having to do it, if only that were a possibility, but since it's not, we owe it to ourselves to try to do something out of this.  I remember all the feelings I had the first year and beyond, it's beyond hard, the shock protects us at first but as that wears off, wow.

 

 

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What is the hope? Like what is the best case scenario for our lives now? To be lonely for the next 30 years? I just don't think that's worth it. I go to work seven days a week now because what else do I have to do. Everything I used to do for fun is tied to my wife. The holidays coming up are an utter nightmare for me as well. I'll most likely just avoid everyone and not participate. I'm so weary of this and it's been 13 weeks. I can't imagine doing it long term.

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7 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I hate this so much. I miss my best friend

Me too.  I hate this new life so much.  I'm at work.  It's 10:30 am here on a Monday.   It's gloomy.  I feel like saying screw it so I can walk outside in front of a truck.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Me too.  I hate this new life so much.  I'm at work.  It's 10:30 am here on a Monday.   It's gloomy.  I feel like saying screw it so I can walk outside in front of a truck.

A few months ago, I was almost hit by a bus. I really wish it'd ran me over now. 

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

What is the hope? Like what is the best case scenario for our lives now? To be lonely for the next 30 years? I'm so weary of this and it's been 13 weeks. I can't imagine doing it long term.

I dont think there is any hope as we knew it. No hope. Just existing. 

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