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Djh0901kc

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5 hours ago, Azipod said:

 Every now and then, I will take the long route going out and go to a farther store just to eat up some time.

I do the same. Whatever it takes just to put some hours of the day behind me.

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Everyday I get further and further away from our life together. It seems more and more like it didn't really happen. Like it was just some dream for 15 years of my life. I miss my girl so much. I just want to hear her voice. I want to feel whole again.

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Hang in there. You are not grieving alone.

It's just over 2 months for me and I'm sitting here in my living room, wishing my wife was here so we can enjoy our Sunday afternoon together, just like how it was before.  It's no longer the same and it's so disturbing to know that it will NEVER be the same again.

This is a change for our entire lifetime.  I feel so empty in our house and it hurts so much knowing that we can't enjoy the fruits of our labor.  It is bad.

I miss her so much too. It's terrible. I'm sad. And I'm heart broken.

You are not alone. I am grieving with you!!!  Hang in there!!

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19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

It seems more and more like it didn't really happen. Like it was just some dream for 15 years of my life.

This is a common feeling.  I've literally checked George's ID, his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, to assure myself of his existence, that world seems like I dreamed it, like it wasn't real, it's so far removed from my existence now.  I look at his notes, with his handwriting on it, see pictures of us, nope, he really was here!

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I just had a pretty awful breakdown while talking to my mom. I've posted that I've been unable to stay in our home since my wife passed. I asked my mom to hire someone to clean the place up a bit since it was still a mess from when the ambulance people and everyone were there. The cleaners weren't supposed to go into any bedrooms or my wife's walk in closet where all her purses, shoes, dresses, and jewelry were. Just the kitchen and living rooms up and downstairs. I don't know if there was a miscommunication or if it was deliberate but they took it upon themselves to clean out our bedroom. As in removed everything from the room. Bed, pillows, blankets, photos. They also cleaned out the closet room of most of our clothes and many books and some of our journals from the library/computer room. When she realized what had happened, my mom contacted the cleaners to ask where everything was and they told her they had taken it to the dump. She and my sister went and rescued as much as they could but a lot had already been burned. I don't really know if that's true or just what they were told. My wife loved to buy me weird tshirts and most of them are now gone. A journal she had made me is gone. Things that no one would have considered important but Kayla and I are gone. No one should have decided what was important enough to keep or toss but me. I know on one hand it's just stuff but it was OUR stuff. I can't replace anything that she bought me because she's not here to buy it for me again. She took care of me and bought me things she knew I wouldn't buy for myself. I was trying to explain this to my mom but I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. She told me I'm going to have to learn how to take care of myself. I don't want to. I know that sounds childish but I was 17 when we started dating. We became a perfect team over the years. She took care of me and I took care of her. ITS NOT FAIR. I don't want to learn how to do this stuff. I want Kayla to do it like she always has. I don't want to learn how to live this shitty new life. I want our life back. I want our stuff back. I want my Yogi back.

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I know you're right and it's just stuff. But I feel robbed of choice. Someone else made the decision that this stuff wasn't important. Not to mention I have no bed now. I already was robbed of the choice when my wife died. I don't want to keep feeling so helpless.

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On 9/5/2017 at 11:30 AM, Djh0901kc said:

I just had a pretty awful breakdown while talking to my mom. I've posted that I've been unable to stay in our home since my wife passed. I asked my mom to hire someone to clean the place up a bit since it was still a mess from when the ambulance people and everyone were there. The cleaners weren't supposed to go into any bedrooms or my wife's walk in closet where all her purses, shoes, dresses, and jewelry were. Just the kitchen and living rooms up and downstairs. I don't know if there was a miscommunication or if it was deliberate but they took it upon themselves to clean out our bedroom. As in removed everything from the room. Bed, pillows, blankets, photos. They also cleaned out the closet room of most of our clothes and many books and some of our journals from the library/computer room. When she realized what had happened, my mom contacted the cleaners to ask where everything was and they told her they had taken it to the dump. She and my sister went and rescued as much as they could but a lot had already been burned. I don't really know if that's true or just what they were told. My wife loved to buy me weird tshirts and most of them are now gone. A journal she had made me is gone. Things that no one would have considered important but Kayla and I are gone. No one should have decided what was important enough to keep or toss but me. I know on one hand it's just stuff but it was OUR stuff. I can't replace anything that she bought me because she's not here to buy it for me again. She took care of me and bought me things she knew I wouldn't buy for myself. I was trying to explain this to my mom but I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. She told me I'm going to have to learn how to take care of myself. I don't want to. I know that sounds childish but I was 17 when we started dating. We became a perfect team over the years. She took care of me and I took care of her. ITS NOT FAIR. I don't want to learn how to do this stuff. I want Kayla to do it like she always has. I don't want to learn how to live this shitty new life. I want our life back. I want our stuff back. I want my Yogi back.

Unbelievable. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through right now. I am so sorry they put you through this. The day after Lori died my friends went to my house to collect some clothes and toiletries for me as I would be staying with friends for a while. While they were there they took the sheets off of our bed and washed them. They meant no harm by it and simply didn't realize what they were doing was wrong. When they told me, my heart sank. I wanted her pillowcase and sheets so I could still smell her. I was devastated but there was nothing I could do. I know that is a far far cry from your situation but wanted you to know that YES, it does hurt to lose those pieces of them.

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On 9/5/2017 at 9:30 AM, Djh0901kc said:

I just had a pretty awful breakdown while talking to my mom. I've posted that I've been unable to stay in our home since my wife passed. I asked my mom to hire someone to clean the place up a bit since it was still a mess from when the ambulance people and everyone were there. The cleaners weren't supposed to go into any bedrooms or my wife's walk in closet where all her purses, shoes, dresses, and jewelry were. Just the kitchen and living rooms up and downstairs. I don't know if there was a miscommunication or if it was deliberate but they took it upon themselves to clean out our bedroom. As in removed everything from the room. Bed, pillows, blankets, photos. They also cleaned out the closet room of most of our clothes and many books and some of our journals from the library/computer room. When she realized what had happened, my mom contacted the cleaners to ask where everything was and they told her they had taken it to the dump. She and my sister went and rescued as much as they could but a lot had already been burned. I don't really know if that's true or just what they were told. My wife loved to buy me weird tshirts and most of them are now gone. A journal she had made me is gone. Things that no one would have considered important but Kayla and I are gone. No one should have decided what was important enough to keep or toss but me. I know on one hand it's just stuff but it was OUR stuff. I can't replace anything that she bought me because she's not here to buy it for me again. She took care of me and bought me things she knew I wouldn't buy for myself. I was trying to explain this to my mom but I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. She told me I'm going to have to learn how to take care of myself. I don't want to. I know that sounds childish but I was 17 when we started dating. We became a perfect team over the years. She took care of me and I took care of her. ITS NOT FAIR. I don't want to learn how to do this stuff. I want Kayla to do it like she always has. I don't want to learn how to live this shitty new life. I want our life back. I want our stuff back. I want my Yogi back.

OMG, it's hard to fathom, I can only imagine the outrage, anguish, pain you are feeling!  I am so sorry.  It's like losing your history with her!  Your mom can't understand, she hasn't been through it, so I wouldn't look for her to respond in a way that you need.  The truth is you alone are feeling this grief as you are, you alone are feeling your pain to the depths that you do.  What has been done to you is hard, so very hard.  You feel robbed of choice because you were.  I want you to know that everything you are feeling is normal and understandable, anger, frustration, hurt, all of it.  I hope it helps to let it out here, we are listening to you and feel for you.

I want to leave you with this one thought:  What you had between you no one can ever take away.  The love continues to exist.  Your memories still exist.  She is somewhere, waiting for you, and you will be together again, new bodies, no more pain, no more grief, never to be separated again.  That is my belief.  If it's not yours, maybe even considering the possibility will give you comfort.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

OMG, it's hard to fathom, I can only imagine the outrage, anguish, pain you are feeling!  I am so sorry.  It's like losing your history with her! 

Yes. In my first post I spoke about how my wife and I spoke our own language and now that she's gone, I'm the only one who speaks it. Now with so many of our things gone, it's like the history that proves our language existed is being erased.

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I'm trying so hard to believe. I pray every day. I talk to God and my wife not knowing if either of them can hear me.

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On 06/09/2017 at 4:30 AM, Djh0901kc said:

I just had a pretty awful breakdown while talking to my mom. I've posted that I've been unable to stay in our home since my wife passed. I asked my mom to hire someone to clean the place up a bit since it was still a mess from when the ambulance people and everyone were there. The cleaners weren't supposed to go into any bedrooms or my wife's walk in closet where all her purses, shoes, dresses, and jewelry were. Just the kitchen and living rooms up and downstairs. I don't know if there was a miscommunication or if it was deliberate but they took it upon themselves to clean out our bedroom. As in removed everything from the room. Bed, pillows, blankets, photos. They also cleaned out the closet room of most of our clothes and many books and some of our journals from the library/computer room. When she realized what had happened, my mom contacted the cleaners to ask where everything was and they told her they had taken it to the dump. She and my sister went and rescued as much as they could but a lot had already been burned. I don't really know if that's true or just what they were told. My wife loved to buy me weird tshirts and most of them are now gone. A journal she had made me is gone. Things that no one would have considered important but Kayla and I are gone. No one should have decided what was important enough to keep or toss but me. I know on one hand it's just stuff but it was OUR stuff. I can't replace anything that she bought me because she's not here to buy it for me again. She took care of me and bought me things she knew I wouldn't buy for myself. I was trying to explain this to my mom but I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. She told me I'm going to have to learn how to take care of myself. I don't want to. I know that sounds childish but I was 17 when we started dating. We became a perfect team over the years. She took care of me and I took care of her. ITS NOT FAIR. I don't want to learn how to do this stuff. I want Kayla to do it like she always has. I don't want to learn how to live this shitty new life. I want our life back. I want our stuff back. I want my Yogi back.

OMG - I'm astounded !!!  My heart aches so much for you, Djh. - hugs and lots of them.  I can't even imagine how this would hit you emotionally.   Personal items of a recently lost soulmate could never be classed as just things, could they?  They are your treasures which gain even more importance and meaning as the shock of their death starts wearing off. 

This, what they call the grief journey, is a shitty road to travel and we often have to deal with many insensitive people and nasty issues that overwhelm us.   This forum is a great place to come to for a reprieve from some of the crap.  

Sending you strength, love and hugsX 

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17 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I'm trying so hard to believe. I pray every day. I talk to God and my wife not knowing if either of them can hear me.

The thing to keep in mind with what we do in our grief is to ask the questions:

Is it therapeutic for you/Does it hurt you or anyone else.

If the answers are Yes/No then keep doing it. We have to find our way through this strange new existence and there are many methods we use to help us get down the road. Some help and some are harmful to us. We just have to find what works for us and lean on it to help us get to the next minute, hour, or day.

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16 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I'm trying so hard to believe. I pray every day. I talk to God and my wife not knowing if either of them can hear me.

Me too, it's not a bad thing to go on faith, sometimes faith and hope are all we have to cling to, but so very important.

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16 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

12 weeks today. Do you ever stop counting?

I haven't stopped counting. I guess it puts perspective on this thing. Maybe it's a way for us to say to ourselves "We've made it this far. Keep going". Maybe it's something we do because we are such temporal beings. Everything is bound by time in our world. Well, in our former world I suppose. It also allows me to say awesome things like, "I haven't hugged and kissed Lori in five months", "I haven't heard Lori speak my name in five months", "I am five months into a life sentence, for a crime I didn't commit, that may last 30-40 years".  Like Clint Black says, "This killin' time, is killin' me'".

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53 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

12 weeks today. Do you ever stop counting?

Exactly 9 weeks for me today.   I've cried everyday.   I wish our loved ones can see how difficult this is for all of us.

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The other day I had someone tell me they didn't think Kayla would want me to be in this kind of pain and that at some point you have to either dig a hole and climb in or pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I told them that to be honest the hole sounded better to me. People are so ridiculous. No **** Kayla wouldn't want me to feel this way. She wouldn't want to be dead either. Don't they think that if I could just flip a switch and not feel like a hollow empty shell I would? No one wants to be 32 years old and feel like every day is just another day closer to being dead.

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Djh,

Honest to Pete, I can't believe the things people say, do they even stop and think before they open their mouth?  They don't seem to have the ability to put themselves in your place and feel what you might be feeling.  Where has our ability to empathize gone!
 

22 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

12 weeks today. Do you ever stop counting?

At first you count days, then weeks, months, then years, but no, you never stop counting.

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Football Sunday just doesn't feel the same. It used to be a day full of games and grilling and fantasy smack talk. This year I was replaced in my league and I'm all alone. Used to be some of my favorite days of the year. Now it's one of the loneliest 

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9 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Football Sunday just doesn't feel the same. It used to be a day full of games and grilling and fantasy smack talk. This year I was replaced in my league and I'm all alone. Used to be some of my favorite days of the year. Now it's one of the loneliest 

Its so strange we all are feeling this pain and dont have any words to give comfort. I am also facing this loneliness and have no idea how I am gonna survive today.  

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I just tell myself to take things one day at a time.  It helps me make it through.  But it's also quickly getting old for me.  I can't stand this daily repetitive pain. Everyday is painful and miserable.  In addition to the pain of losing my wife, the other pain is seeing that there's no  end in sight.

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My husband wasn't into football, he was into car shows.  Whenever I see a car show listed, I feel that pinch inside my heart, knowing if he was alive we would be going.  :(  It has to be hard to be hit every Sunday or whenever football is on...

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19 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

Football Sunday just doesn't feel the same. It used to be a day full of games and grilling and fantasy smack talk. This year I was replaced in my league and I'm all alone. Used to be some of my favorite days of the year. Now it's one of the loneliest 

I stopped playing this season too. I just told my friends that my heart wasn't into it this year.

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5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I stopped playing this season too. I just told my friends that my heart wasn't into it this year.

When my wife passed, I completely abandoned my fantasy baseball team. I figured I wouldn't feel like doing football either. But then midway through August I thought maybe it would help me have something to do so I hit up my league commissioner to ask when and where the draft would be. He replied that they had found someone to replace me because he called once and couldn't get ahold of me. I know it's silly but this is a long time keeper league with some of my best friends. We do the draft in person. It's an all day affair. Not to mention I'm the reigning league champ and have our traveling trophy. How could they just replace me like that? I feel like it's because no one would know what to say to me and they were afraid I would ruin the whole day. When it happened a few weeks ago it really crushed me but I didn't post about it because I figured everyone would think it was just a dumb fantasy league.

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I've been having a really rough few days. Not that I was dancing in the streets before but the last few days I've been so lonely. Everything seems to be going wrong and I miss my girl so much. Everything is reminding me of her with all the Halloween decorations coming out. Even going into the dollar tree today sent me into a sobbing fit. I feel so pathetic and broken and like I'm bumming out everyone I have contact with. I can't believe I'll never see Kayla again or hear her voice. I'm sorry to be so depressing everyone

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1 minute ago, Djh0901kc said:

When my wife passed, I completely abandoned my fantasy baseball team. I figured I wouldn't feel like doing football either. But then midway through August I thought maybe it would help me have something to do so I hit up my league commissioner to ask when and where the draft would be. He replied that they had found someone to replace me because he called once and couldn't get ahold of me. I know it's silly but this is a long time keeper league with some of my best friends. We do the draft in person. It's an all day affair. Not to mention I'm the reigning league champ and have our traveling trophy. How could they just replace me like that? I feel like it's because no one would know what to say to me and they were afraid I would ruin the whole day. When it happened a few weeks ago it really crushed me but I didn't post about it because I figured everyone would think it was just a dumb fantasy league.

Sometimes it feels like we're being thrown out with the trash. When people don't know how to act around us or might feel uncomfortable around us it's easier to just rid themselves of us. Out of sight out of mind. It's those people saying, "I am uncomfortable around Sean because he reminds me of death so I will choose to disassociate with him to make myself more comfortable" or "You are always sad and I don't want to be sad too so everyone gets invited to the party but you". It sort of then turns into the self-fulfilling prophesy because it further isolates us and makes us even sadder. Aint grief wonderful!

BTW: Fantasy sports leagues are not dumb at all. Besides, there is no judgement on this board.

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7 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I've been having a really rough few days. Not that I was dancing in the streets before but the last few days I've been so lonely. Everything seems to be going wrong and I miss my girl so much. Everything is reminding me of her with all the Halloween decorations coming out. Even going into the dollar tree today sent me into a sobbing fit. I feel so pathetic and broken and like I'm bumming out everyone I have contact with. I can't believe I'll never see Kayla again or hear her voice. I'm sorry to be so depressing everyone

It's OK to feel this way.  You are not alone and I feel the same way too.   I hate Fridays because of an upcoming weekend without my wife.  Then, I hate the start of the week because it's another beginning of time without my wife.   I hate waking up each day for the same reason.  I hate going to sleep every night for the same reason as well!  I hate every minute of the day.

I feel useless, purposeless, and have nothing to work towards.   Everyday is a repeat.  It is painful, grueling, and so emotional.

I am a ball of negative energy.  Frankly, there''s just so much out there that I don't care about at the moment.

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I know no one that plays fantasy thinks it's dumb but I gave a presentation of fantasy sports for a college speech class. Trust me, A LOT of people think it's dumb. Lol. Just another way Kayla was awesome. She loved it as much as I did. She had won her own league two years running. She had never let me live down that she predicted Jimmy Graham's huge breakout season with the Saints and I told her she had wasted a draft pick.

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

I am a ball of negative energy.

Trust me this me right now and I am so afraid that I am going to be a bitter women in every single passing day. I don't like people laughing, enjoying their life.

I see couples in my office laughing and caring for each other, I see pregnant ladies and I hate to see them. They all are so happy, having plan for future, I am so blank, each day just passing not living, nothing makes me happy, I am depressed and always sad. 

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Is it wrong for me to have thoughts about leaving this world so I can be with my wife?   Why is it wrong?  What's so wrong about wanting to be with my wife?  Why should I endure this grueling pain just so I can cope with the loss? Why should I even continue and wait for life to be 'better?'

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25 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Is it wrong for me to have thoughts about leaving this world so I can be with my wife?   Why is it wrong?  What's so wrong about wanting to be with my wife?  Why should I endure this grueling pain just so I can cope with the loss? Why should I even continue and wait for life to be 'better?'

I also think about this but then I am afraid, what if I stuck between heaven and earth. Then I wont be able to meet my husband and not be with my family and I am sure that will be painful again. 

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2 hours ago, Azipod said:

Is it wrong for me to have thoughts about leaving this world so I can be with my wife?   Why is it wrong?  What's so wrong about wanting to be with my wife?  Why should I endure this grueling pain just so I can cope with the loss? Why should I even continue and wait for life to be 'better?'

I have felt thus way for so long and I keep feeling it. But from the spiritual books I have read since my baby died, I learned that people who take their lives are sent back to earth to endure a similar pain/test. I cant have this pain all over again!

I know my boyfriend has fulfilled whatever his life purpose was. He was an amazing man. So he is not being sent back. I need to keep going and do good deeds until my death so I can be with him for eternity. 

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Azipod,

It's nothing that hasn't occurred to us in the beginning, but for many reasons we've hung in there, not wanting to hurt our loved ones and put them through what we're going through, our beliefs not allowing us to take our own lives, and holding on to give ourselves time to feel any measure of hope, to feel any bit of life again.  Merely waiting alone does nothing to help, it's important to do our grief work!  Seeing a professional grief counselor, attending grief support group meetings, journaling, coming here, being willing to learn, reading articles and books on grief, I even did art therapy and found it helpful.  Everything we put into this helps us form a better state of mind that helps us through this.  I pray you'll hold on and give yourself the time you need and seek help in working through this.

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9 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I have felt thus way for so long and I keep feeling it. But from the spiritual books I have read since my baby died, I learned that people who take their lives are sent back to earth to endure a similar pain/test. I cant have this pain all over again!

I know my boyfriend has fulfilled whatever his life purpose was. He was an amazing man. So he is not being sent back. I need to keep going and do good deeds until my death so I can be with him for eternity. 

I have explored the spiritual afterlife after this tragedy.  I have similar beliefs about not committing suicide as a way to "exit."   They say that the souls may get stuck between the earth and spiritual plane, or like you said, you get sent back to earth because you have not completed the lessons that you were sent here to learn.  Either way, the experience is suppose to be bad -- not better than what we are going through now.

This brings it to the point about us saying that our days feel like we're in prison.   We can't leave.  Yet, staying here is so difficult.  The pain is so immense.

I can't "force myself" to exit this world.  That is why I wish something would come and just take away.  For the first time in my life, I am not afraid of dying.  In fact, I am ready to die.   I would love to fall asleep and not wake up ever again.

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9 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

I know my boyfriend has fulfilled whatever his life purpose was. He was an amazing man. So he is not being sent back. I need to keep going and do good deeds until my death so I can be with him for eternity. 

Same for my wife.   

Bad things happen to good people.  

I wish they took me instead.  I deserve to go, but not my wife.  

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Azipod,

It's nothing that hasn't occurred to us in the beginning, but for many reasons we've hung in there, not wanting to hurt our loved ones and put them through what we're going through, our beliefs not allowing us to take our own lives, and holding on to give ourselves time to feel any measure of hope, to feel any bit of life again.  Merely waiting alone does nothing to help, it's important to do our grief work!  Seeing a professional grief counselor, attending grief support group meetings, journaling, coming here, being willing to learn, reading articles and books on grief, I even did art therapy and found it helpful.  Everything we put into this helps us form a better state of mind that helps us through this.  I pray you'll hold on and give yourself the time you need and seek help in working through this.

 

Kay, thank you for taking the time to write to me and for your kind thoughts.   I am processing this grief.  I belong to:

- Weekly informal drop-in grief support group

- Monthly informal drop-in grief support group

- Starting a 8-week spouse loss support group at the end of the month

- Starting an Grief Art workshop next month

- Read 4 books on the spiritual afterlife

- Reading Option #B (book)

- Attending private psycho-therapy with THREE separate therapists on a weekly basis

- Spend Saturdays with my family

- Spend Sundays with in laws

- Begun a cycling as a form of exercise

- Haven't missed a single day of work since my wife's funeral

- AND MUCH MORE!

As you can see.  I'm not sitting at home doing nothing.  I am terribly BUSY.   Has these activities help?   Probably.  They all play a role.   But life still sucks.  I still want to go.  The pain is too great knowing that my wife is no longer here.

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31 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I just had to order new checks and they made me take my wife's name off them. Wasn't ready for that

 

Yes, that totally stinks.

I hate going to the doctors.  Now my "emergency contact" is no longer my wife.

Now, my marital status is SINGLE.

My joint bank accounts will soon be an individual account.

There is nothing out there that doesn't remind us of our loss.  People just don't get it!

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I went to the movies alone tonight to see It. We both love the original and Kayla had been waiting for this to come out forever. Now I just want to talk to her about it. Ask her what she thought. Ask her what she liked and what she hated. God I miss her so much

 

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

For the first time in my life, I am not afraid of dying.  In fact, I am ready to die.   I would love to fall asleep and not wake up ever again.

 

7 hours ago, Azipod said:

 I'm not sitting at home doing nothing.  I am terribly BUSY.   Has these activities help?   Probably.  They all play a role.   But life still sucks.  I still want to go.

 

7 hours ago, Azipod said:

Now my "emergency contact" is no longer my wife.

 

7 hours ago, Azipod said:

My joint bank accounts will soon be an individual account.

It feels like you read my mind. Everything around me reminding me about him, watching old man reminds me, I see old couple together its remind me, I see fathers with their kids its remind me, everything just everything reminds me  about him and my loss.

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The strangest things are now reminders of our grief. Of our loneliness. Of our singular existence. So many reminders in our daily lives that our soulmates are not coming back. That no matter how badly wish, the scenario stays the same. The movies still ends the same way. 

 - Table for one, three, five. Never an even number.

 - Certain favorite restaurants I can't go to because of the pain and others that I am drawn to.

 - Seeing her microwave popcorn maker(A STUPID PIECE OF PLASTIC) in the cabinet and balling like a baby.

 - Watching our favorite show and wanting to talk to her about it(I don't watch it anymore now).

 - Opening the garage door and seeing her car and getting excited for a second that she beat me home.

 - Keeping her brush on the counter because maybe, just maybe, she'll need it.

 - Texting her phone every now and again just like I did every morning when I made it safely to work.

 

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20 hours ago, Azipod said:

As you can see.  I'm not sitting at home doing nothing.  I am terribly BUSY.   Has these activities help?   Probably.  They all play a role.   But life still sucks.  I still want to go.  The pain is too great knowing that my wife is no longer here.

I know.  It's hard, damned hard.  I get that.  Trust me, 12 years living without my George has been very hard.  Facing old age alone, without him, this was not the plan.  But I keep on trying.  It's all I can do.

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I got on FB for the first time today since a few days after my wife died. In the 15 minutes I was on, her brother saw me and sent me a message calling me a name I won't repeat and asked why I don't talk to anyone in her family. Like I have said, these people have broken into our house, stole things from it, and harassed my own family on social media and in person. Even with all that, what he said broke my heart all over again. It hurts that they all hate me so much. I took care of Kayla through all her bouts of depression when no one else was there for her. And now that she's gone I have nothing. And these people just make it worse. Why would I want to talk to them when I can barely talk to people who are kind to me?

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21 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I got on FB for the first time today since a few days after my wife died. In the 15 minutes I was on, her brother saw me and sent me a message calling me a name I won't repeat and asked why I don't talk to anyone in her family. Like I have said, these people have broken into our house, stole things from it, and harassed my own family on social media and in person. Even with all that, what he said broke my heart all over again. It hurts that they all hate me so much. I took care of Kayla through all her bouts of depression when no one else was there for her. And now that she's gone I have nothing. And these people just make it worse. Why would I want to talk to them when I can barely talk to people who are kind to me?

Bruce's family has been 'nice' to me. Thats to say they were formal and I had to be OK with everything they decided to do. Afterall, I am only a girlfriend. They are selling his house he put so much time and effort to renew. His mum denied my request of even a scoop of his ashes. His sister wont let me take in his pet. 

It would be 5 years since we have been a couple the 15th of this month. All that time, they werent close to him. They never cared about his problems. I get how they see it though. They are his family. And im not (Ironically, Bruce used to say I was the only family he had!). It hurts that they emphasise this with their every act. 

I dont think they understand or even try to understand what we are going through. I havent been called names but youre not alone.

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Today was not a good day.  I was not feeling good.   For the first time ever since my wife's passing, I couldn't wait to get home from work.   Work was grueling, but I've used up a lot of mental energy.   I decided to go home and do nothing tonight.

Well, the nothing turned into getting on the computer, surfing around looking for things to amuse me.   Then, I saw a folder on my desktop labeled "Amy Videos."   These are the videos I downloaded from our security camera after my wife left.   I downloaded all of them knowing that they are the last videos I'll ever have of her.

Well, I think you guys know what's next.  I told myself not to look at them.  I remembered vividly how difficult it was viewing them for the first time when I downloaded them.    I told myself that it couldn't be that bad.  I had a bad day already, I feel awful, so it wouldn't be that bad.    Then I decided to click on a random video.   BIG MISTAKE!

It is awful.  It is awful.   It hurts so much, after knowing that you've missed your loved one like crazy, to see them again moving in the videos as if they were still here!   I tell you.  It's one thing looking at photos .... but it's another seeing them moving around as if they were just here.   It is sad.   It makes you feel so empty.   It makes you feel that we've all been hit with the biggest punishment in our lives.   But only us.  Why is it just us that have to go through this lifetime of misery?

Then, I decided to watch the LAST recorded video.   It is the video showing us leaving for our trip to Europe.   Watching the video, it was crystal clear.   Little that she knew.  Little that I knew, at that time when we were leaving the house........... was my wife leaving this house for the VERY LAST TIME.    She never returned home.

How awful!     Is this what we call life?    This isn't life.  This is a prison!  and it's not fair!

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22 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Today was not a good day.  I was not feeling good.   For the first time ever since my wife's passing, I couldn't wait to get home from work.   Work was grueling, but I've used up a lot of mental energy.   I decided to go home and do nothing tonight.

Well, the nothing turned into getting on the computer, surfing around looking for things to amuse me.   Then, I saw a folder on my desktop labeled "Amy Videos."   These are the videos I downloaded from our security camera after my wife left.   I downloaded all of them knowing that they are the last videos I'll ever have of her.

Well, I think you guys know what's next.  I told myself not to look at them.  I remembered vividly how difficult it was viewing them for the first time when I downloaded them.    I told myself that it couldn't be that bad.  I had a bad day already, I feel awful, so it wouldn't be that bad.    Then I decided to click on a random video.   BIG MISTAKE!

It is awful.  It is awful.   It hurts so much, after knowing that you've missed your loved one like crazy, to see them again moving in the videos as if they were still here!   I tell you.  It's one thing looking at photos .... but it's another seeing them moving around as if they were just here.   It is sad.   It makes you feel so empty.   It makes you feel that we've all been hit with the biggest punishment in our lives.   But only us.  Why is it just us that have to go through this lifetime of misery?

Then, I decided to watch the LAST recorded video.   It is the video showing us leaving for our trip to Europe.   Watching the video, it was crystal clear.   Little that she knew.  Little that I knew, at that time when we were leaving the house........... was my wife leaving this house for the VERY LAST TIME.    She never returned home.

How awful!     Is this what we call life?    This isn't life.  This is a prison!  and it's not fair!

I feel so sorry for you, I also have 3 small videos of my husband and I try to avoid them but still sometime I watch them knowing it will hurt me but its our heart who doesn't listen to our mind.

You are right, this is not what we called life, it is prison and we have to finish our punishment here, I am taking life like this now. I think I have done something really bad in past life and that is why I am getting this punishment and I have to finish my punishment in this life. if we finish our life then this punishment will not over and will follow us in next life and  again we have to suffer from same pain, so its better to complete punishment in this life.

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