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Djh0901kc

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I just wanted to say thank you to you guys. Even on here, like it real life, it seems like most people pop in and post a few times then disappear. Or when you first make a post people comment but then after awhile no one has anything left to say to you. I appreciate you guys who are always there with a kind word when I'm really feeling down. In all honesty, I probably would have killed myself a couple times by now if not for the few of you who are always there. I can't say thank you enough.

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Djh,  This forum has become my life line. Like you, I don't know where I would be without this resource and the warm, compassionate fellow grievers here. I have thought many times of giving up. In some ways, I have. I do not care about the things I used to. Taking care of the house and yard, etc., is all done by automation. A way of filling time. I feel that I am only still here to take care of our pets. I could not betray and abandon them because of my misery. They miss my husband too, and I am the only one they have left to care for them.

Every day is like a prison sentence in a way. No early release into the place where my husband is. I know this is negative thinking, but I can't help my feelings. The longer this separation goes on, the harder it gets for me to go on from day to day. I get more tired and frustrated. I swear I've aged at least 10 years in the last year.

We just have to somehow keep plugging away and see how the future unfolds.

I like the pic of you and your wife. You both radiate love and happiness.

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It is a prison indeed.  My emotions have settled down in the last few weeks, but overall I am still very sad.  I have a hard time at home, looking at all the stuff we've created together and now it's only for me to enjoy.  It's so sad.

An area of my gums have been swollen for the last 3 weeks and it's been very tender.  I'm hoping It gets serious enough for me to seek medical attention. It would be great if they told me I have terminal cancer.  That way, I'm able to leave this world and be with my wife.

I'm no longer afraid of death.  It would be great if someone would just take me away.

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I don't go home really. Every few days I'll stay there. I stay at my moms if I can stand it or I keep a pillow and blanket in my car. Going home is a nightmare. Sleeping in the car is preferable to going there.

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Some of us are really sad cases, aren't we? I thought about sleeping in one of our 2 vehicles also. I couldn't. We shared those vehicles and they have their memories too. We shared everything and did everything together. No escape except the one that is a sin to do. I smoke. Have tried to quit many times over the years. I wanted to stay healthy for my my husband. I used to tease him that I would be the one to leave first, because of that nasty habit. Now, due to the missing him and the constant stress, I'm smoking more than ever. But, the doctor says my heart is good, my lungs are clear. No escape-----

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I don't smoke but bought a pack a week after my wife died. Couldn't stick with it because it made me sick. I drive 200 miles a day for work so, like you, we always thought that I would die waaaay before her. This isn't how it was supposed to happen...

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Life certainly doesn't go according to how we have it in our minds. We plan, we think we have it all under control. It has the last laugh on us.

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5 hours ago, KMB said:

Life certainly doesn't go according to how we have it in our minds. We plan, we think we have it all under control. It has the last laugh on us.

Plan, I hate this word now. A week before when my Goli left me, he was all good and we were planning to buy home and discussing about the locations. I was super excited and planing about the home then babies and fast forward baby's creches , fast forward up-down from office to home location then in between Goli told me that don't you think you are planning too much, don't plan too much and just flow with time. The very next week he left me and his words continuously coming in my mind like he knew that he is going to leave me very soon and that is why suggesting me not to plan so much.

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TooDevastated
10 hours ago, Azipod said:

It is a prison indeed.  My emotions have settled down in the last few weeks, but overall I am still very sad.  I have a hard time at home, looking at all the stuff we've created together and now it's only for me to enjoy.  It's so sad.

An area of my gums have been swollen for the last 3 weeks and it's been very tender.  I'm hoping It gets serious enough for me to seek medical attention. It would be great if they told me I have terminal cancer.  That way, I'm able to leave this world and be with my wife.

I'm no longer afraid of death.  It would be great if someone would just take me away.

Even after all the "signs" I have had from Bruce, I am in between believing and or believing in an afterlife for who knows...maybe I have gone crazy...

But I feel definitely the same as you Azipod. Regardless of there being an afterlife or not, I just wanna be dead. If there is, then I'll meet with him. If not, then at least I'll be free from this pain.

I have had a heart problem related to this stress diagnosed as arrythmia and was prescribed to take tablets daily which I dont.

Now I feel my kidneys started hurting (I guess because I dont drink as much water as I used to). 

I used to eat only healthy stuff and drink ten glasses of water a day. Now I drink alcohol almost everyday plus soda coke etc. I eat junkfood fastfood etc. although I dont enjoy the taste of any of those! I lost a lot of weight and am still losing. Everyone used to say I have a gorgeous hair and its been falling off loads as well. Not that I care about my looks anymore...

I just am waiting for a terminal illness to hit me so I can finally make sense of what has happened. 

An area of my gums has also been swollen for a while and is very sensitive. With any luck, maybe we will both find out what we would like soon. Look at how cheerful our new reality is!..

Sorry for the gloomy post. I just cant be positive having just received Bruce's ashes. 

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20 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I probably would have killed myself a couple times by now if not for the few of you who are always there.

This is the one place I can come to where I know I'll be with others that understand.  My family loves me but they don't get what this is like, there's no way they can...not until you're there yourself.

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

I feel that I am only still here to take care of our pets.

To be quite honest, I'd be almost afraid to NOT have pets to be responsible for...they are my incentive for going on.  Oh I can do all kinds of things for people, like being Church Treasurer, but that's not reason enough to keep going...my pets are.  

And KMB, I'm glad you're here, you've helped a lot of people, so has Janice.  I appreciate you both.  We're all helping each other through this journey.

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17 hours ago, Azipod said:

It would be great if they told me I have terminal cancer.

That's not the way to go, trust me.  I took care of my MIL nearly three years while she was bedridden with cancer.  I hope you call the dentist for an appt. today.

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8 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

The very next week he left me and his words continuously coming in my mind like he knew that he is going to leave me very soon and that is why suggesting me not to plan so much.

I am a planner.  It runs in my family, super organized planners.  My little sister carries it to an extreme...I used to be like her, planning my life away until there was no room in my crowded calendar for spontaneity, every moment accounted for ahead of time.  When George came along, that changed.  He was my spontaneous one, and I wanted nothing more than room in my life for him.  Now it seems not to matter what plans I have, they may be carried out or they may crash and burn.

I had plans for this upcoming weekend, every day.  Now my son is coming and bringing my two year old granddaughter...all my plans out the window.  That's how it seems with plans sometimes.  We make them but only God knows if we'll carry them out.  I've been hearing a lot about resilience lately...how important it is to the survival of grievers.  Learning to go with the flow, roll with the punches, allowing our plans to change.  Not letting ourselves become unduly upset by the changes.  Death gives that thought whole new meaning.  Of course we're upset!  We wouldn't be human if we weren't!  Yet somehow we have to adjust, muddle on... 

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6 hours ago, TooDevastated said:

Now I drink alcohol almost everyday

A glass of wine relaxes some people...just a word of caution...alcohol is a depressant, most of us don't need help getting more depressed so it's kind of the last thing we need.  Exercise, on the other hand, stimulates good feelings, so a brisk walk can elevate our mood.

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To all in this thread that are posting of wanting God to just take them so the pain will end. I feel the same. Before 04/01/17 I always feared a new pain or a twinge or tweak. I would go to the doctor and get checked because I wanted to be healthy. To be here for Lori. We were gonna grow old together and sit in our rocking chairs on the porch. I feared terminal illness and death because I was living for Lori. Now I don't fear death. I don't think many of us on the forum fear it anymore. It's is quite a striking 180 degree turn for us. A massive shift in our thinking and in our habits. Now most of the things I do and the characteristics I exhibit are met with the phrase, "I just don't care" under my breath. I know if I died that there would be people who cared. People who would be sad. Those that would shed tears. But there would be nobody on Earth that would be devastated for me the way that I am devastated at Lori's death. That is a striking thought that brings clarity to the pain I endure and the lack of pain that would be felt at my passing.

 

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53 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

To all in this thread that are posting of wanting God to just take them so the pain will end.

I think ALL of us have felt that way, especially in the first year or two.  Even now it has gotten old, being alone without him all these years, I'm more than done with it, yet I have no choice, and I won't end my life.  Wishing it was over and actually doing something to bring that about are two different things.

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55 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

I know if I died that there would be people who cared. People who would be sad. Those that would shed tears. But there would be nobody on Earth that would be devastated for me the way that I am devastated at Lori's death.

Oh boy, do I know what you mean!  It is hard continuing, knowing no one feels about us like we do our loved one...we feel very alone with our thoughts and feelings.

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13 minutes ago, KayC said:

Oh boy, do I know what you mean!  It is hard continuing, knowing no one feels about us like we do our loved one...we feel very alone with our thoughts and feelings.

In an experience that is FILLED with massive and daunting realizations. This thought is possibly the most haunting. That nobody on Earth cares for me the way Lori did. Nobody has my back like she did. Nobody gets butterflies just thinking about me. Nobody will grieve for me as I grieve for her. It's a very lonely feeling.

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I'm experiencing a bit of a relapse of the anger phase.  I'm upset that my wife left.  It's so difficult for those that are left behind.  It's going to be a lifetime of sadness.  In the past, I've always been afraid of death.  We're not taught about these things.  There's the uncertainty, perhaps pain, and you worry for those that you leave behind.  Frankly, I don't really care.  I live alone, I have no children.   I know my family will be sad, but their life is not dependent on me, they don't need me per se.       

I just want to go.  I wish something something will just come and naturally take me away.   Funny thing is that while I'm writing this, I'm having my breakfast oatmeal.  I eat this to to increase my fiber intake due to having high cholesterol.    Maybe I should just stop eating it all together.   Dying from having clogged arteries doesn't sound that bad right now.

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Our anniversary is in 3 days. How am I going to get through this. I won't spend it with her for the first time in 15 years. I was still in high school the last time we didn't do something together on 9/1

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

Our anniversary is in 3 days. How am I going to get through this. I won't spend it with her for the first time in 15 years. I was still in high school the last time we didn't do something together on 9/1

Those days are so very tough. I will be thinking of you with the hope that you will have strength on Friday to make it through. Lori and I would always write in our anniversary cards something to the effect of "here's to 50 more anniversaries with you" or "looking forward to the rest of our lives together". We always had more time. More milestones. More memories to make. October is her birthday. November our anniversary and Thanksgiving. December is Christmas and New Years Eve. It will be a very daunting few months.

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I appreciate that. The thought has crossed my mind that it would be a poetic day to leave this world and end the nightmare. I've been digging for all the cards she gave me over the years. She liked to fill them up. I always teased her about it but now I'm glad she did. I hope you find your own strength in the months to come. That's a tough set of milestones to cross.

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8 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

I appreciate that. The thought has crossed my mind that it would be a poetic day to leave this world and end the nightmare. I've been digging for all the cards she gave me over the years. She liked to fill them up. I always teased her about it but now I'm glad she did. I hope you find your own strength in the months to come. That's a tough set of milestones to cross.

Just know that if you get too down and are considering suicide, I hope you will contact one of the the suicide hotlines at http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. We ALL care about you and your well being but we are not equipped to provide the help you may need to get through a tough time.  

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On 8/28/2017 at 9:45 AM, Eagle-96 said:

In an experience that is FILLED with massive and daunting realizations. This thought is possibly the most haunting. That nobody on Earth cares for me the way Lori did. Nobody has my back like she did. Nobody gets butterflies just thinking about me. Nobody will grieve for me as I grieve for her. It's a very lonely feeling.

Very well said, Sean. I have been trying to explain my feelings to my daughter, who is currently living back at home. She hasn't been married yet or been in a long term close relationship. So, she just doesn't understand the depth of love that two people can share and how the grieving can really make you feel and think when you lose that person to a death. She is upset with me right now, but it is mostly because she has been searching for a man for herself,  comparable to her stepdad, and hasn't experienced what I have. Of course, she doesn't have the experience with loss either .Life can be so complex, and she is still learning.

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Djh, I will keep you in my thoughts on Friday. Those special days can be tougher than any other. Please, keep in mind Sean's advice about the suicide hotline if you feel yourself sinking to that point. It was either in December or January when I sunk so low and had to make that call. I tried calling a family member and a friend and both were unavailable. I needed someone desperately to talk to, to listen. I am glad I made that call.

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Djh,

I hope you will stop and consider that you have not been at this grieving/loss thing very long in the relative scheme of things, and you have not had time to adjust or see any hope for living a life without her in your life.  It's pretty hard to explain it to someone fresh in their loss, because they just don't see it, but with the grief work we put in over a long period of time, we can find purpose and build a life for ourselves.  I know you'll likely question anything I say so I don't know how to point you to hope but it does exist, if only you can hold on until you find it.

I am wondering how to handle my daughter's anniversary coming up 9/9...she was with her husband 17 years, it will be their 8th anniversary...following their loss of their baby he left her.  I'm afraid if I send her flowers she'll think they're from him and her heart will sink if she sees they're from me, I don't want to bring her that letdown.  Maybe send her a card?  She usually only checks her mail once a week so she might not get it on the right day.  It's hard to know what to say, I know the pain and grief she bears.  How do you comfort someone whose husband wanted to leave them?

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I know my loss is new and is very fresh.  But can I really be happy in the future?  Being happy is all relative.   Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much down the road.  Maybe I can learn how to cope with my feelings and carry on with my life.   But will I truly be happy?   To me, I can only see that being happy means being able to be with my wife again. Learning how to cope with my wife not being around, but be able to cherish the memories we had in the past, does not equate to happiness to me.   That's just learning how to accept the loss.   This does not equate to being happy to me.

Maybe in time, someday, I will become happy and find new romance with someone new, but that seems like a chapter #2, where I have to turn the page on my 1st wife.  I don't want that.

So with that said, are we truly capable to be "happy" again???

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5 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know my loss is new and is very fresh.  But can I really be happy in the future?  Being happy is all relative.   Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much down the road.  Maybe I can learn how to cope with my feelings and carry on with my life.   But will I truly be happy?   To me, I can only see that being happy means being able to be with my wife again. Learning how to cope with my wife not being around, but be able to cherish the memories we had in the past, does not equate to happiness to me.   That's just learning how to accept the loss.   This does not equate to being happy to me.

Maybe in time, someday, I will become happy and find new romance with someone new, but that seems like a chapter #2, where I have to turn the page on my 1st wife.  I don't want that.

So with that said, are we truly capable to be "happy" again???

Happy is a relative term. One person's average day is utter bliss for someone else. My cousin who is almost three years into her journey as a widow says she hopes for "something approaching joy". I understand her point of view. I like to think of it as; Can we ever be as happy as we were before we lost our soulmates? I honestly don't know if I can achieve that. Five months into this and my best days now are a far cry from my former average days. We're changed. We're different. The things that brought us happiness before barely register now. And when I AM happy, I find myself thinking that I wish Lori was here to share it. 

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I drive 200 miles a day for work. I fill that time by listening to dozens and dozens of podcasts. I would beg my wife to listen to them and while she tried, she just simply didn't have the time to listen that I did. Today, I had the thought that finally she could hear everything I did. She finally would be able to hear every single pod that I listened to at work. This gave me possibly my first sense of happiness since she died. It was followed almost immediate by the realization that we would never be able to talk about them like I always wanted. It's scary to think that any joy or happiness I am able to find now will always have that downside. Wish Kayla were here to share it with.

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

I know my loss is new and is very fresh.  But can I really be happy in the future?  Being happy is all relative.   Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much down the road.  Maybe I can learn how to cope with my feelings and carry on with my life.   But will I truly be happy?   To me, I can only see that being happy means being able to be with my wife again. Learning how to cope with my wife not being around, but be able to cherish the memories we had in the past, does not equate to happiness to me.   That's just learning how to accept the loss.   This does not equate to being happy to me.

Maybe in time, someday, I will become happy and find new romance with someone new, but that seems like a chapter #2, where I have to turn the page on my 1st wife.  I don't want that.

So with that said, are we truly capable to be "happy" again???

In my office when my friends try to make me happy they crack stupid jokes and sometime I actually smiled but smile only not laughter which I used to give. How happy I was that time when my husband was here, I used to laugh every silly jokes and office silly problems gives me tension but now I don't care about office work or pleasing my boss or colleagues . All those problems I thought now was not a problem it was just part of our live daily routine you can say but the reality I am facing right now is just cruel. I wish all those problem come to me even big problems but my husband stay here.

Sometime I feel how sometime I was so tensed for silly things and now this happened with me and I am still living, how stupid I was. Those problems were nothing I was just overreacting and also giving tension to my husband but now no one is here to listen my daily life incidents.

 

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56 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

but now no one is here to listen my daily life incidents.

 

Our loss certainly changes us and our outlook on life itself. Besides the loss of our special person, we also find plenty of other losses over time. Grieving for our loved one has a very large ripple effect. I do not like it. I was quite happy and content "before". There is no going back.

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3 minutes ago, KMB said:

Our loss certainly changes us and our outlook on life itself. Besides the loss of our special person, we also find plenty of other losses over time. Grieving for our loved one has a very large ripple effect. I do not like it. I was quite happy and content "before". There is no going back.

Then how would I survive, at age of 29 I am not suppose to see all these. Other friends of mine enjoying their life with their partners and I am alone here. How long I have to survive this, when I will be normal or at-least okay.

Yesterday I was so upset,  we have wedding in our home in 23 Sept and everyone is so excited, even my sister and mother was trying their clothes for wedding and I was crying alone that time. When my husband was here, we were also planning about our clothes and now he is gone and I am not interested in wedding. In India, wedding is big family function and we were so excited for this and now all other are excited except me. Why I am suffering this pain, my husband should be here to enjoy these moments with me, now no one is here whom I can show my stuff or look into his eyes and ask him, how am I looking, no will ever say to me that wow baby you are looking gorgeous, why me , why. I am so tensed from yesterday, these occasion makes me feel more empty and lonely, I hate this life.

I was shouting on my husband yesterday night, I was so angry on him, why you hold my hand if you are not going to complete this journey with me, you left me in starting of the journey not even middle. My husband was not so rich but I did not care about this much, all I wanted him, I knew that one day we will make money by our hard work but now everything is lost. I did not ask god for money or car or other stuff, I just wanted long life for my husband , every time I go to temple I asked god to give long life to my husband that all I want but he did not listen, I hate you God, for me you do not exist anymore. 

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14 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

In my office when my friends try to make me happy they crack stupid jokes and sometime I actually smiled but smile only not laughter which I used to give. How happy I was that time when my husband was here, I used to laugh every silly jokes and office silly problems gives me tension but now I don't care about office work or pleasing my boss or colleagues . All those problems I thought now was not a problem it was just part of our live daily routine you can say but the reality I am facing right now is just cruel. I wish all those problem come to me even big problems but my husband stay here.

Sometime I feel how sometime I was so tensed for silly things and now this happened with me and I am still living, how stupid I was. Those problems were nothing I was just overreacting and also giving tension to my husband but now no one is here to listen my daily life incidents.

 

Everything we thought were problems before seem so very small now. I think about the things I thought were difficult or tough to deal with before and I just laugh at them now. Losing our soulmates changes our perspective on life and what we can and can't handle. 

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For me I try not to compare or expect life to ever be anything close to what it was before...it never will be, I've accepted that.  I appreciate even moments of joy, no matter how small,no matter how fleeting.  I have learned to live in the present, fully appreciating what is rather than merely focusing on what isn't.  That is how I've learned to do this.

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Today I found a scrapbook Kayla made for me in Valentine's Day in 2006. It had been inexplicably put out for the garbage by the people my mother hired to do some cleaning in our house since I haven't been able to stay at home. She saw it and rescued it but not before it was rained on and mostly destroyed. Even though it's a wreck I was able to save a few things out of it including four letters she had written to me over the years. Does anyone know of any way to preserve paper that has been damaged by water and in one case mildew?

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

Today I found a scrapbook Kayla made for me in Valentine's Day in 2006. It had been inexplicably put out for the garbage by the people my mother hired to do some cleaning in our house since I haven't been able to stay at home. She saw it and rescued it but not before it was rained on and mostly destroyed. Even though it's a wreck I was able to save a few things out of it including four letters she had written to me over the years. Does anyone know of any way to preserve paper that has been damaged by water and in one case mildew?

https://www.belfor.com/en/us/recovery-services/document-restoration

http://www.emptymirrorbooks.com/collecting/recovering-water-damaged-books-and-paper-is-it-possible.html

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19 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Then how would I survive, at age of 29 I am not suppose to see all these. Other friends of mine enjoying their life with their partners and I am alone here. How long I have to survive this, when I will be normal or at-least okay.

Yesterday I was so upset,  we have wedding in our home in 23 Sept and everyone is so excited, even my sister and mother was trying their clothes for wedding and I was crying alone that time. When my husband was here, we were also planning about our clothes and now he is gone and I am not interested in wedding. In India, wedding is big family function and we were so excited for this and now all other are excited except me. Why I am suffering this pain, my husband should be here to enjoy these moments with me, now no one is here whom I can show my stuff or look into his eyes and ask him, how am I looking, no will ever say to me that wow baby you are looking gorgeous, why me , why. I am so tensed from yesterday, these occasion makes me feel more empty and lonely, I hate this life.

I was shouting on my husband yesterday night, I was so angry on him, why you hold my hand if you are not going to complete this journey with me, you left me in starting of the journey not even middle. My husband was not so rich but I did not care about this much, all I wanted him, I knew that one day we will make money by our hard work but now everything is lost. I did not ask god for money or car or other stuff, I just wanted long life for my husband , every time I go to temple I asked god to give long life to my husband that all I want but he did not listen, I hate you God, for me you do not exist anymore. 

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is beyond tough for all of us. My heart is with you, because I can understand why an upcoming family wedding is causing you such agony. I have no advice for you on how to get through it. We learn to adapt and do the best we can with social events, even though we don't feel like it. We cannot hurt the ones we love. Have you talked to your family about how you are feeling about the wedding? Do you have to have an active role in it? Maybe you can be in attendance for a certain part of it? I do not know what your culture expects from these events. Hopefully, you can excuse yourself and go to a rest room or somewhere to cry and compose yourself when you need to.

It takes a very long time to get ourselves through the hardest parts of the grieving process. I've been in it for a little over a year and I am still finding my way through. I have been having a little more decent days and then there are still the bad days. There is no time frame for anyone. I just go with the flow of it.:wub:

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

Have you talked to your family about how you are feeling about the wedding? Do you have to have an active role in it? Maybe you can be in attendance for a certain part of it? I do not know what your culture expects from these events. Hopefully, you can excuse yourself and go to a rest room or somewhere to cry and compose yourself when you need to.

KMB, thanks for writing, I did not share my feeling with my family because I don't want to spoil their happiness, however they know what I am going through and they don't discuss with me for the dresses and plannings also I am not going to this wedding because its impossible for me to stop crying while watching all wedding rituals again and I don't want to spoil other fun time. I started writing journal but sometime only not daily because once I reach home I don't want to write, I just want to lay down and miss my Goli and cry cry cry. 

Yesterday I was thinking to leave my job and live with my mother but they want me to work because they are afraid if I do not work then I wont be able to move on but I am not sure. Why I am working , I don't have my husband, baby no one then for whom I am earning, I don't know I am so confused I wish I can die so that all problems end automatically.

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

For me I try not to compare or expect life to ever be anything close to what it was before...it never will be, I've accepted that.  I appreciate even moments of joy, no matter how small,no matter how fleeting.  I have learned to live in the present, fully appreciating what is rather than merely focusing on what isn't.  That is how I've learned to do this.

You are so strong KayC, but may be I am not that strong. I can't stop my mind thinking about him or comparison between my past life and my current life. What could have happen that night, what ,if, questions  continuously coming into my mind and I can't stop these questions. I am not strong mentally, I am unable to focus on other things , totally blank or full of thoughts about him. Its almost 2 months and no progress at all. 

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16 minutes ago, Djh0901kc said:

Waking up without her this morning was one of the worst things I've ever had to do

I'm really sorry. You are not alone.  Today is 2 months for me.  Life feels ugly.

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1 minute ago, Djh0901kc said:

15 years together. 11 years married. 11 weeks since the day she died. All today

Thinking about you today as you go through it without her. 

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Thank you. I took the day off work. Didn't think I would be able to handle it. Just sitting around being sad basically. Looking at pictures and shedding a river of tears. Appreciate all of you

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1 hour ago, Djh0901kc said:

Waking up without her this morning was one of the worst things I've ever had to do

This the worst thingh I have to face everday. Then I see his photograph and torture myself.

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12 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

You are so strong KayC, but may be I am not that strong.

No, I'm 12 years out, you're fresh in this.  At your time period I wanted to kill myself, but I realized I didn't really want to die, I just didn't want to go through what I knew I'd have to go through.  I've done a LOT of grief work in the years since...seen a grief counselor, been on a grief forum for 12 years, been mentored by Marty Tousley, did art therapy, wrote letters to my husband, journaled, made mistakes and learned from them, read countless articles and books, and started my own grief support group.  With every bit of grief work we put into this, it helps. 

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Yeah I can't have days with nothing planned. I have a few nights free each week and they are though.

Can you go out for a drive?  Sometimes I do that. Or drive to a scenic place and just sit in your car.  Go get some groceries?  Just find a place to go.  Every now and then, I will take the long route going out and go to a farther store just to eat up some time.

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6 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

I wish I had gone to work. This may be the longest day of all time

Thinking of you today. The "firsts" are really hard to get through. My birthday came 3 weeks after my husband passed. It wasn't until that night, that I remembered what the day was. I spent the rest of the night crying.  People have told me that the 2nd year is worse. How can anything be worse than the 1st year? But, I am going into my 2nd year and I feel the same as I always have. Lost, lonely, despondent, empty.   Hang in there the best you can. We are here for each other.

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