Members Francine Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 1 minute ago, Artesia said: But it is in first few days and weeks that you really feel that you need something. People always want you to get better. Perhaps it would be better to accept that this can never get better. So true! When I lost my Charles, I was really in a dark, dark place and my children (they're grown) thought it best for me to see a grief counselor; I couldn't see how it could possibly have any kind of impact then, but now I can. No way is It a cure, but it helped me get out of that dark place I was at. After being married to a man for nearly 45 years and being in love as much or more than when we first met, I have accepted the fact, that in my situation, it will NEVER get better. I sometimes think about our marriage vows, you know the line, *For better or Worst*. I've lived the *Better* portion of my life with my Charles; now my reality is living the *Worst* without him. Merely existing is all I do now because its all I know how to do. Sorry for the gloom mood, but I guess that's where my head is now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Artesia Posted July 10, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 People are very reluctant to accept that you will always be broken. It's like you'r a teacup and the handle has cme off and can't be reattached. You can still use the cup - it is still useful, but it isn't that lovely teacup anymore. And it never can be. And that is ok. I accept it. Others find it harder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 Sometimes people underestimate the partner-bond, some people doesnt really know what it means to find your soulmate, that unconditional person for you: bestfriend, lover, carrier, supporter... and then losing it... Some people came closer to me and said: "dont worry he was just your boyfriend...", "you are so young you will find someone else...", "was only for 8 months, dont worry you will move on quickly..." And I felt this feelings of anger and sadness, what do they mean with "just a boyfriend", does that mean we didnt love each other or we needed to write it down in a paper that we were marry so people could take our love serously???? "Find someone else..." how can they say such a thing??? Your love one is not "something" replaceabl... People doesnt know, doesnt understand the pain and the agony of losing your partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 5 hours ago, Artesia said: People are very reluctant to accept that you will always be broken. It's like you'r a teacup and the handle has cme off and can't be reattached. You can still use the cup - it is still useful, but it isn't that lovely teacup anymore. And it never can be. And that is ok. I accept it. Others find it harder. That is the difficult thing to get through. We are changed FOREVER. We are not the same person we were before this happened to us and we never will be. I think people just want the same old Sean to come cheer them up or make them smile. As if I were a trained monkey at their beck and call. They don't want sad and desperate Sean. They don't want angry and confused Sean. They want the person I was on 03/31/17. The reality is that I am post-Lori Sean now and I always will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bradley1985 Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 6 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said: That is the difficult thing to get through. We are changed FOREVER. We are not the same person we were before this happened to us and we never will be. I think people just want the same old Sean to come cheer them up or make them smile. As if I were a trained monkey at their beck and call. They don't want sad and desperate Sean. They don't want angry and confused Sean. They want the person I was on 03/31/17. The reality is that I am post-Lori Sean now and I always will be. Great comment. I feel this way a lot. Here is my attitude: "I am not your trained monkey and dont expect me to be such. Don't tell me how to feel EVER again. Don't tell me to get over it. Don't expect me to laugh at your jokes and dont expect me to joke as its not going to happen. Don't console me with platitudes. Don't tell me to enjoy ANYTHING. I dont have an "enjoy button" located on my body I can push. Don't expect me to agree with you on anything. Don't wish me a happy birthday because it won't be. Don't tell me how many people care for me because I lost the person I cared about more than all you folks combined together." Sorry to sound so brutal but thats how I feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 10, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 Gosh, I started grief counseling after about two weeks, was busy notifying people, planning the funeral, getting the ashes, going to soc. sec. office, etc. the first two weeks. We need a life line in the beginning, not a wait! Is there a grief support group nearby? I can't believe they'd make you wait six weeks, good grief! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 10, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 5 hours ago, Ka9219 said: Some people came closer to me and said: "dont worry he was just your boyfriend...", "you are so young you will find someone else...", "was only for 8 months, dont worry you will move on quickly..." And I felt this feelings of anger and sadness, what do they mean with "just a boyfriend", does that mean we didnt love each other or we needed to write it down in a paper that we were marry so people could take our love serously???? "Find someone else..." how can they say such a thing??? Your love one is not "something" replaceabl... People doesnt know, doesnt understand the pain and the agony of losing your partner. I am so sorry that people said these things to you! I could write a book of the stupid things people say, they really add to the pain we're already in. It's on them, their stupidity, not a reflection of your love or the quality of your relationship. Sometimes I think people just open their mouth to babble the first stupid thing that comes out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 1 hour ago, bradley1985 said: Great comment. I feel this way a lot. Here is my attitude: "I am not your trained monkey and dont expect me to be such. Don't tell me how to feel EVER again. Don't tell me to get over it. Don't expect me to laugh at your jokes and dont expect me to joke as its not going to happen. Don't console me with platitudes. Don't tell me to enjoy ANYTHING. I dont have an "enjoy button" located on my body I can push. Don't expect me to agree with you on anything. Don't wish me a happy birthday because it won't be. Don't tell me how many people care for me because I lost the person I cared about more than all you folks combined together." Sorry to sound so brutal but thats how I feel. Not brutal at all(to us at least). That one hits home. I could have every person on earth "pulling for me" or "in my corner". I want ONE person and I can't have her on this earth EVER AGAIN. People just don't seem to get it. And I can't really expect them to I suppose. What sucks is that roughly half of all the people you meet WILL get it some day. And that really breaks my heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Artesia Posted July 10, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 It's hard to explain to people. When I fell in love with Tim, I had other love in my life. His love just amplified all the other love. So losing him,can only diminish the love I have left. I know that sounds harsh, but nothing can make up for not having him here. 1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said: I want ONE person and I can't have her on this earth EVER AGAIN. People just don't seem to get it. Or they do get it, but it's so uncomfortable... they just cannot fathom it. I know, even while Tim was sick, I couldn't. I knew what the inevitable outcome would be, but a world without him was inconceivable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 14 hours ago, Artesia said: People always want you to get better. I feel people want us to get *better* because it helps them feel better for themselves. They expect us to be the same person we were before our loss. They want that comfort of familiarity that their life is still normal and not dumped upside down like our life is now. We are never going to be the same, nor is our life. Others who have not experienced the loss of a soulmate, are not capable of understanding and empathizing with our situation. Others, outside of our loved ones family and friends are not directly impacted by our loss. I feel that fear is the basis for others to want for us to get better. They don't want loss to touch their lives, but inevitably, sooner or later, it will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eagle-96 Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 39 minutes ago, KMB said: I feel people want us to get *better* because it helps them feel better for themselves. They expect us to be the same person we were before our loss. They want that comfort of familiarity that their life is still normal and not dumped upside down like our life is now. We are never going to be the same, nor is our life. Others who have not experienced the loss of a soulmate, are not capable of understanding and empathizing with our situation. Others, outside of our loved ones family and friends are not directly impacted by our loss. I feel that fear is the basis for others to want for us to get better. They don't want loss to touch their lives, but inevitably, sooner or later, it will. Bingo! They want to see us get "over it" soon so that they can have some assurance that if they are ever in our position they would too. Death scares people, and rightfully so. People don't want to deal with the emotions they would have to face if they pondered being in our shoes. It's why we get that "leper feeling" sometimes. People just want to avoid us because we are the living reminder of what death can bring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 4 hours ago, bradley1985 said: Don't tell me how many people care for me because I lost the person I cared about more than all you folks combined together." That statement might sound heartless and brutal to others, but we get it. I have had people say the same to me, * I care about you, there are a lot of people that care about you*. But yet, where are all those people that say it and don't walk their talk? I can literally count on one hand the people who truly care and have stuck with me on this unwanted journey. Even on my worst days, when I've had the tendency to let out my resentment and anger of my situation get the upper hand with cussing and yelling, these same few people have stuck by me. What also has humbled me with the handful of those that care, is the blatant fact these people know my all consuming love for my husband and how it over rides them. They know my husband and I are soulmates, that he was my priority and will always be so in my heart. God designed our hearts to love many and each person in my life has a space in my heart. It is just that my husband occupies the biggest space. These few people love, empathize, understand me enough, to accept me and my feelings. I am also able to do a lot more counting and thanking all of you on this forum for being here and supporting me. Our hearts are big enough for many, many people, thank goodness! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 Thank you, Eagle. There have been times when I reflect on the wonderfully compassionate people I have met on this forum, that it would be a great honor and legacy for future grievers, for us all to collaborate on a REAL grieving handbook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 11, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 11, 2017 It is easier to pretend there is nothing happening, being happy and "move on" is the easy way out of this for the people around. The thing is people dont understand pain until they go through it by themselves. I was talking with a therapist and she told me the best way to avoid is not talking about it, thats way people when you start talking they answer: dont think about it... The day Mario had the accident I already knew I wouldnt be the same person after that, and when he passed away I knew that what I was once, It will never again... and people is selfish by thinking they want to see you "OK", as all of you say, the people I care the most is gone, and somehow I died with him, my happiness, my dreams, was with him, now that he is gone, so my happiness and dreams... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SweetBear Posted July 11, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 11, 2017 16 minutes ago, Ka9219 said: The day Mario had the accident I already knew I wouldnt be the same person after that, and when he passed away I knew that what I was once, It will never again... and people is selfish by thinking they want to see you "OK", as all of you say, the people I care the most is gone, and somehow I died with him, my happiness, my dreams, was with him, now that he is gone, so my happiness and dreams... That is what I've got going with people around me. Most of them are clueless what Bev and I had, so they are also clueless that I was who I was because of her. That part of me died with her on July 1st so I guess whether they can understand it or accept it, the me they knew is also dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ka9219 Posted July 11, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 11, 2017 I think sometimes we were so focus in living and enjoying the relationship that forget about telling someone else, Mario and I, every time we spent together was so filled with love, joy and good times we didnt have the chance to spent more time with his or my friends or relatives, and so people say: I didnt knew, I knew you were his girlfriend but we didnt know you.. And all I can say: we were so busy making each other happy so we didnt have the time to spent with you, and also neither of us count that he was leaving so soon.... And it is true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 11, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 11, 2017 Reading all of your statements above, you're all right. People can't possibly get it when they haven't been through it. And some of those who have lost a spouse still don't get it because they didn't love each other to start with! The ones who are struggling, the ones who are in pain, they are here, trying to grapple with how to live without the one who meant everything to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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