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Day One


Artesia

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So Tim's farewell was yesterday. Great party. Just as he planned.

And today is pretty much day one. Tim was cremated, so he really isn't here anymore. He can't come back. I know that in my head. this is life now and I have to just keep breathing.

But my heart is broken. My heart doesn't know how to go on. 

Today it's just me and our boy at home. Because this is how it is now. Just me and Lox and a fscking huge hole in my universe.

I can't have what I want and need. So what is the point of wanting or needing anything? 

Lisa

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The day Mario was cremated I had this same "hole-feeling" running right through my chest, I wish I could hug you and let you know that I might understand this pain, this is so painfull and I felt hopeless.

When I first saw the ashes was shocking, my big, strong, loving men fitted in that little box, until today, this brings up tears to my face.

I wish I could say or do something for you, this is truly a nightmare.

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Artesia, Ka9219----- I so wish I could say words to help ease the pain for both of you. There isn't. That is the toughest thing about being humans. We can say and do many things, but there is absolutely nothing we can say or do to take away emotional/mental pain and suffering due to loss of our loved ones. Just breathe, taking one minute, one hour, one day at a time.  HUGS to you both. You are not alone in this.

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You are in some of the worst of it right now...that time when it's hitting and you haven't yet had time to adjust or process it.  As KMB says, just breathe.  One day at a time.  I'm sorry it's so danged painful.

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I feel like he wasn't real. That I just imagined him and our life. 

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1 hour ago, Artesia said:

feel like he wasn't real. That I just imagined him and our life. 

Yes. That's normal. I think we've all felt that way. I did and still do sometimes. It's the shock of it all. He was real. The love was real and still is and will always be. Remember that. 

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5 hours ago, Artesia said:

I feel like he wasn't real. That I just imagined him and our life. 

It is close to a year now for me, and I still have moments of feeling and thinking that way. Photos, memories, personal belongings, provide me with relief that I didn't dream up our life. My heart is full of love for my husband which will never go away.

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6 hours ago, Artesia said:

I feel like he wasn't real. That I just imagined him and our life. 

I'm so sorry for your loss and know the pain you're going through.  I know you're broken, we all have been; but we endure; our hearts don't know whether or not we will make it through another day, but we must and will  We sometimes believe we may have lost ourselves, but we continue to stand; still moving forward, growing stronger each day - how? - we don't know - perhaps from that inner strength within us we don't even know we have.   I lost the love of my life, my Charles, seven months ago yesterday and I'm still going through hell. 

I've never felt that my Charles wasn't real.   For me what isn't real is that he's gone; what isn't real is my life now; what isn't real is never talking to him again, never holding, kissing, loving him again.  Never hearing his voice, seeing his smile and touching him ever again.  Losing him was the biggest shock of my life, nothing prepared me for it.  Every morning I awake wondering how I'm going to make it through this day without him and I remember that he would have wanted me to; and every evening when I lie down for the night, I know I couldn't have made it through the day without him.  The love I have for that man shouldn't be allowed for one person - but that love keeps me going forward until that day when we are reunited again.   That is going to me a *Kodak* moment  and an *Awesome* day.

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I certainly wake up wondering whether I can get through the day. But right now the pain is so raw, I can't know what Tim would want. I can't hear his voice. I can't smell him. I don't know where he is and I have no faith that we will be together again.

I know I am alive and I have to be here. I know that here is so wrong now And I don't know how I can do life anymore.

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I'm sorry for you and as you say, your pain is still so raw.  That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt and it changes people.  For me the only thing that keeps me going, at this point, is knowing someday I will be with my Charles again.  That's what my faith tells me and I've got to believe that.   It's just my opinion, but I can't nor won't believe this world is *It*.  This world is cold, brutal and will break you and I sometime wonder maybe if it's another planet's hell.  When I find myself thinking along these lines, I find myself with a desire that nothing in it can satisfy me (especially since my Charles transition) and the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world.  I think everything is going to be alright; because I'm learning what I need to and in the end some of the greatest pain we can endure become our greatest strengths.

 

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Artesia, For the first 7 to 8 months, I felt exactly as you. I had insomnia issues big time. Laid awake in bed being tortured by my own mind, reliving memories, my husband's passing, the should haves, the what ifs. After 3 or 4 days/nights of no rest, I would sleep for an hour or two from exhaustion and then repeat the cycle. I stayed in bed mornings for as long as I could, before my dog's bladder or mine forced me up. I would lay there wondering why is it I'm still breathing, why is my heart still beating? Why am I still here when the other half of me is gone? All the whys of which there are no answers. I didn't care about anything. I took care of feeding the cat and dog, letting the dog out when he needed it. I wasn't eating, had no appetite, (still don't) and lost weight. I only took a shower when I absolutely couldn't avoid leaving the house. Leaving the house took huge effort and energy. I kept thinking that I need to stay here, in case my husband comes home and needs me. When I did come home, it was to a house that was empty of my husband's physical presence. I would have break downs of crying and looking for him.I still have meltdowns and ask him where he is.

The intensity of the pain does lessen. Shock and denial fade away. The world keeps rotating, life keeps rolling along whether we want it to or not. Life definitely did not stop the day our beloveds left it. The feelings of despair, fear, helplessness, hopelessness, sadness and loneliness take a very long time to deal with.  I know the feeling that you cannot think you can do this life, but you can and you will. During the first several months, I used to pray and plea to God to take me too, but He obviously has plans for me yet.   (HUGS)

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1 hour ago, Artesia said:

I know I am alive and I have to be here. I know that here is so wrong now And I don't know how I can do life anymore.

When Mario was in the Hospital I prayed with all my faith, I beg to god: please not now, I am not ready, please give me his pain, please save him. But it didnt happen. From that day my faith and everything I believe once, was gone, and it was a big struggle because I didnt know where was Mario, was he ok? or happy? I didnt know. With the time I started to think the day I met him, the first thing I though: oh my god, he is the kindest person I ever know, he is so filled with light and love... for me he was angel, that day I understood he become that: an angel, and I know he is happy and in peace, and I might not know where he is, but for sure I know I am going there when my time comes, because he is there, waiting for me...

 

11 minutes ago, Francine said:

That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt and it changes people

Indeed, we become a totally different person, our believes, our life, our perception of life, even the way we feel, everything is so different, I think is because some part of us died with them, and so we are forced to change our-self in order to continue living -or at least surviving-

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Artesia,

I am so sorry you are going through this unbearable pain. There are no words that can take it away. I also lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack at the age of fifty. I feel lost as well and wonder how I can go on without him. Know you have found  the right place as the kindness of the people on here have made a huge difference, just knowing they understand. I am hoping in time we can at least get a little relief from this constant anxiety filled emptiness. Hugs to you.

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1 hour ago, Francine said:

This world is cold, brutal and will break you and I sometime wonder maybe if it's another planet's hell.

Going through this grief is pure hell. How do we possibly survive hell??  I hate to admit it but for the first time I'm actually a little bit jealous that Pat died. He's supposedly in a place of pure peace, joy and serenity, with no pain. And I'm left here in this hell with no joy and more pain than I could have imagined. It just gets more confusing as time goes on. Yes I'm having another bad night!!!

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54 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

 I hate to admit it but for the first time I'm actually a little bit jealous that Pat died. He's supposedly in a place of pure peace, joy and serenity, with no pain. And I'm left here in this hell with no joy and more pain than I could have imagined. It just gets more confusing as time goes on. Yes I'm having another bad night!!!

Your post is right on point!  My opinion, but I think Charles spirit is free from the pains of this world and that comforts me to know. He no longer has to worry about all the craziness, madness and insanity this world has to offer; and let the truth be told, I'm a tad jealous as well.  I'm in your boat - this night sucks.  When I go to bed this evening, I'd like to stay asleep.  Ironic, and really sad because when the average person wakes up from a nightmare, they are relieved, but when I wake up, it is into a nightmare - my *new* reality.  

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HHFaith, Sorry you are having a bad night. I can relate. I wouldn't be on the computer this time of night if my husband was here and life was normal like it used to be. It is difficult enough to take it day by day, but the nights are horrendously lonely. I also, from time to time, envy my husband and where he is now. At the same time, I know he deserves all that Heaven is for him and I know I will be with him again one day. It hasn't been quite a year yet and I'm already exhausted from waiting. How many more years of waiting? I know it sounds like I'm trying to hasten my departure but I have had quite enough of this torturous hell that this life can be without him. I did find one little joy from the day. I was mowing this afternoon and thankfully caught sight of a baby turtle before going over him.  He was the size of a quarter. I marveled at his smallness and his fight for survival at getting out of my hand. I released it in the marshy area off the side of the yard. A tiny turtle not knowing his fate in my hand and fighting to be released to continue his life. Leaves food for thought for me in that I'm fighting to survive this life also.

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23 hours ago, Artesia said:

I feel like he wasn't real. That I just imagined him and our life. 

I have felt that way, so much so that I've physically gone to my file drawer and looked up his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate.  It feels like I made him up, did he ever really even exist?!  Yes, I have proof of that.  It's just that our lives are so different now, it's hard to reconcile with what we once had.

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15 hours ago, Artesia said:

I don't know where he is and I have no faith that we will be together again.

You found each other before, you will again.  Grief can shake up what faith we have, so let US have faith for you until it is yours again!  You WILL be together again!

On my other grief site, (I wish this one had signatures) my "signature" says "We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time".

 

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How do we just keep doing this life when we hate it? 

I am here for my son. and I adore him, but it feels like this has taken away so much.. I hope my son realises how much I love him. Because this has just taken everything from me. And  nothing will ever make it better.

 

Quote

 

 

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3 minutes ago, KayC said:

You found each other before, you will again.  Grief can shake up what faith we have, so let US have faith for you until it is yours again!  You WILL be together again!

On my other grief site, (I wish this one had signatures) my "signature" says "We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time".

 

I have never had faith. Unlike some on here, I am not a believer. How can I believe in a higher power that supposedly gives us this love and then cruelly takes it away? I can't be thankful for finding Tim.. I am not going to give some cruel and hateful higher power the credit for us. That was all down to us.

I have tried all of my life to be a good person. To do the right thing. To put others first... why? how was it worth it? How did it do me any good? Other people have their husbands. I don't.

I am not ready to be grateful for the time we had. I don't know when I will ever feel that way without some bitterness at everything we will miss out on.

 

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It starts with recognizing we don't know everything about life/universes, etc.  It starts with opening our mind to the possibilities of "what if..."  Sometimes learning about our solar system helps put things in perspective.  There is way more we don't know than we do know, so opening our mind to realizing there is so much we don't know helps us consider possibilities...then it's just believing we will find each other, we did once, we will again, believing in the strength of the relationship, of our love.  

We don't do the right thing to get something from it, it's altruistic.  We do something because it's right, for US to be that way, not to get something from it.  Bad things do happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people too, life isn't "fair", but it happens.  Yes other people have their husbands, but a lot of us don't.

I don't look at it as God took him from me, but then I don't think He's controlling my life, I'm not a puppet, I'm a free agent, with the power to think for myself and make my own choices.  But our physical bodies are finite, they don't last, and factoring accidents into the equation, I guess there's no guarantee we'll live X amount of years...it's just that we think we are entitled to, it doesn't always work like that.  I do understand feeling gypped though, I think we've all felt like that.  But that's where appreciating what we did have comes into play, I guess it's the flip side of the thinking.

I don't think we start out being grateful for the time we had, I think that's something that we develop later on.  Bitterness doesn't help us, it hurts us, that's why I make a point to work on letting it go.

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Kay, I know I don't know everything about the universe. I don't think I need to. Love wasn't enough to beat the cancer. Love is what had me telling him to let go, even thought I knew that meant him leaving me behind. Even though I knew that the end of his pain was just the beginning of mine. I was quite happy with the life we had right here. No afterlife reunion is worth what he went through.. and how I feel now.

I really hope he's waiting for me.. but then there is every possibility he isn't. Part of me feels like we tell ourselves those thing to make ourselves feel better And I didn't say that I tried to be 'good' to get something from it.  But I question the point of it when bad things happen to good people. Actually I question it because a bad thing happened to us. It is really hard one week out to not feel a bit angry. This time last week I had a husband. Now I have ashes. I'm sorry if I am just a bit wrapped up in my own pain right now.

 

 

 

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8 hours ago, Artesia said:

But I question the point of it when bad things happen to good people. 

Someone once told me that instead of asking the question, why do bad things happen to good people, ask the question, what happens to good people when bad things happen?? Or something like that. It changed my perspective. I know some very very good people who have had so many horrible things happen in their lives. They are amazing, to see how they survive and go on living good lives. Of course it isn't easy for them but those "good" people learn from their tragedies. As I'm going through my tragedy now, those people are an example to me. 

As for the gratitude...it's very strange but almost from the very beginning, I had this underlying sense of gratitude that Pat was brought into my life at the perfect time. And I was brought into his at the perfect time. We brought each other so much happiness. I truly feel the gratitude. I have a bracelet that says "gratitude" that I wear every day. Each time I put it on I say outloud how grateful I am for having had Pat in my life. And I mean it!   If you don't feel that now, I hope you will in the not too distant future. Again it puts things into perspective just a little more. 

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There is nothing I can learn from this. I had already been through many years of total crap. And I had come out the other side a better person. 

But this lesson is too cruel. And I said as soon s he was diagnosed, this won't make me a better person.

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why does this even have to be put into perspective?  whose perspective?

When I woke up last Sunday morning I had a husband. By the time I went to bed that night I didn't. I am in Australia - we date DD/MM/YYYY -  that date is 2nd July 2017.ONE WEEK OUT I guess I can't be grateful or have perspective.Or hope.

What I have is pain, and anger and hopelessness. Is that not ok here?

 

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Of course it's ok. One week out I wasn't even able to read anything, let alone a grief forum. The pain is overwhelming I know. We all know. You are not alone. It is more than ok to express any feelings you have. We do understand because we are all going through the most horrible thing we've ever had thrown at us. I, and many of us also understand the shock. My Pat died suddenly too. I'm praying for strength for you to get through this, minute by minute, one day at a time. 

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28 minutes ago, Artesia said:

why does this even have to be put into perspective?  whose perspective?

When I woke up last Sunday morning I had a husband. By the time I went to bed that night I didn't. I am in Australia - we date DD/MM/YYYY -  that date is 2nd July 2017.ONE WEEK OUT I guess I can't be grateful or have perspective.Or hope.

What I have is pain, and anger and hopelessness. Is that not ok here?

 

I lost Bev on July 1 and also have the same feelings. Not a single person on this planet grieves in the same way because our relationships are all special and unique. 

You feel what is real for you. I use to look at my mom's picture and thank her over and over for sending me Bev. From last Wednesday on I've been screaming and yelling at that same picture telling her the next time she wants to do me favor??? DON'T!!!!!

So feel what you need to. 

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5 minutes ago, SweetBear said:

So feel what you need to. 

Thank you.

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4 hours ago, Artesia said:

There is nothing I can learn from this. I had already been through many years of total crap. And I had come out the other side a better person. 

But this lesson is too cruel. And I said as soon s he was diagnosed, this won't make me a better person.

It is "funny" I felt the same way, I went through so many bad things, depression, anxiety, family problems, isolation, and when Mario came to my life I though that for once in my life things were going to get better, I was so happy, I started to feel security, happiness and peace, I felt that my life for once was mine and I wanted to life it and be happy, and then life was like: nope, you dont deserve to be happy and loved, keep with your shi*ty life because Mario is too good for you. Sometimes I feel like it was my fault Mario died, because was a punishment for me, taking away the only good thing, the only thing was worth in my life, was taking away....

I would rather see him with another girl, I dont know, anything else but not dead... And for those people who say you can take something good from bad moments is because they haven't go through the lose of a love one. NOTHING good came out of this, not now, not never

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1 minute ago, Ka9219 said:

. NOTHING good came out of this, not now, not never

And that is exactly how I feel. 

We didn't want much. Neither of us is ambitious or materialistic. We had each other and we just wanted to live our little life together.

I don't feel like I'm being punished. I just feel like none of my life was worth it. I had a friend here today who said she was so envious of what we had.. but looking at how painful it is to lose it, part of her is a bit scared about finding that kind of relationship.

I just love him. ALl of our imperfections made us perfect for each other. And now it's gone.

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6 minutes ago, Artesia said:

And that is exactly how I feel. 

We didn't want much. Neither of us is ambitious or materialistic. We had each other and we just wanted to live our little life together.

I don't feel like I'm being punished. I just feel like none of my life was worth it. I had a friend here today who said she was so envious of what we had.. but looking at how painful it is to lose it, part of her is a bit scared about finding that kind of relationship.

I just love him. ALl of our imperfections made us perfect for each other. And now it's gone.

When Mario died, I told some close friends and my sister about the kind of relationship we had, I found out most of them were crying by the fact they have never felt the way I felt or because, no one ever made what Mario did for me, the things he said, the words, the behavior he had towards me, they say it was something out of this world, they felt envy...

It is curious for me to read what people felt in the post about his love ones, I felt must of us have some sort of unique and strong relationship, and that is why we are grieving so hard..

I understand you, I loved all his flaws, for me, thats what made him unique and I loved it, I just found it out so amazing, he was perfect, and I knew he was the one for me...

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Ka9219, apparently everyone around us knew what our relationship was like. 

He changed my life for the better when he came into it. How can his passing not have made it worse?

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I felt he was an angel, he was kind, and nice with everyone, he loved his brothers more than they loved he, he always was thinking and how he can do something to make his friends and his family happy, and in the relationship he asked me at least twice at day if he makes me happy, he was an angel.

Do you feel the same way?

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Autocharge
22 hours ago, Artesia said:

I have never had faith.

Artesia, Your not alone. Below is a cut and past from my thread.

Believing(Faith,spirit)

Response to a post---"moved past your comfort zone and did it!" Yes but I'm finding that there is a lot of time in one day and it's easy to fall back into the isolation.

Response to a pos——“I’m betting your wife's spirit was enjoying it all right by your side."  Let me start by saying I don't want to offend anyone or get into a debate.

I know many if not most ( I'm sure I'm in the minority opinion ) find comfort in Believing(Faith,spirit). I however by definition am an agnostic. I want to find the same comfort that so many have found(it truly sounds great). It's just with me being an engineer and working on computers and robots all my life I find it extremely difficult to Believe. It does scare me that only family and friends ( mostly me) carry her memories from here on out. I fear with the passing of time I may forget something and that's the last thing I want to happen. So moving forward with a new normal concerns me greatly. the question is How can this be done? What kind of balance is acceptable?

once again I invite all responses and questions. this is forum and the proper place for discussions.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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6 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I felt he was an angel, he was kind, and nice with everyone, he loved his brothers more than they loved he, he always was thinking and how he can do something to make his friends and his family happy, and in the relationship he asked me at least twice at day if he makes me happy, he was an angel.

Do you feel the same way?

Oh he was so imperfectly human! But none of that mattered. Tim was so full of love. He did so much for so many - so many people have told me how important he was to them.And I know he loved me and our boy... the only time he cried during his illness was when he spoke about having to leave us.

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1 minute ago, Autocharge said:

Artesia, Your not alone. Below is a cut and past from my thread.

Believing(Faith,spirit)

Response to a post---"moved past your comfort zone and did it!" Yes but I'm finding that there is a lot of time in one day and it's easy to fall back into the isolation.

Response to a pos——“I’m betting your wife's spirit was enjoying it all right by your side."  Let me start by saying I don't want to offend anyone or get into a debate.

I know many if not most ( I'm sure I'm in the minority opinion ) find comfort in Believing(Faith,spirit). I however by definition am an agnostic. I want to find the same comfort that so many have found(it truly sounds great). It's just with me being an engineer and working on computers and robots all my life I find it extremely difficult to Believe. It does scare me that only family and friends ( mostly me) carry her memories from here on out. I fear with the passing of time I may forget something and that's the last thing I want to happen. So moving forward with a new normal concerns me greatly. the question is How can this be done? What kind of balance is acceptable?

once again I invite all responses and questions. this is forum and the proper place for discussions.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

Tim was a database/web developer. We had the conversation about what comes after. it would be lovely to think we will be together again, but really .. neither of us had any faith that it would happen.

and I just don't find comfort in 'his spirit' being around me. I don't just love his spirit. I love his body, his smile, the way he smells, his laugh.. I love the physical being that was Tim and that physical being no longer exists.

 

 

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Artesia, I am sorry I upset you, that was not my intent.  You either, Autocharge.  

As someone else said, of course it's okay to feel what you feel.  You're one week out.  I'm not sure I could even THINK at one week out!  My brain was in grief fog.  I couldn't focus to read a book all the way through for ten years!  I couldn't watch t.v. for a year!  

As for perspective, I've always found it helps me to have things in perspective, if you're not that way, that's fine.  I'm telling you what helps me.  Everyone has to find what works for them.  No one has to do anything my way.  When someone asks a question, I try to answer to the best of my ability, not trying to persuade anyone anything or tell them what to do.

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10 minutes ago, KayC said:

Artesia, I am sorry I upset you, that was not my intent.  You either, Autocharge.  

As someone else said, of course it's okay to feel what you feel.  You're one week out.  I'm not sure I could even THINK at one week out!  My brain was in grief fog.  I couldn't focus to read a book all the way through for ten years!  I couldn't watch t.v. for a year!  

As for perspective, I've always found it helps me to have things in perspective, if you're not that way, that's fine.  I'm telling you what helps me.  Everyone has to find what works for them.  No one has to do anything my way.  When someone asks a question, I try to answer to the best of my ability, not trying to persuade anyone anything or tell them what to do.

It's ok Kay. I am just not in any place to have perspective right now. Maybe it's my version of grief fog. And lack of sleep. I want so much to sleep and it just eludes me.

I know Tim is gone. He's been cremated - he can't even come back as a zombie and eat my brain. Intellectually, I understand that and I know I can't change it.And I the it.

But my heart.... it's just a huge conflict between what I know and what I want. Tim was very ill with cancer.. and we never really had a chance against it.This was always going to be the outcome.Maybe that's why I can think. I was really conscious of trying to not be too sad and teary while he was here. we just didn't talk about this part. It was too hard. But I wish we had. i wish he had said something that would bring me some comfort - because he is the only one who can comfort me.I have a wonderful son who is with me and who is grieving as well. But no one can comfort me.

When you lose a parent, you mourn the past. When you lose a child, you mourn their future. But when you lose your love, you mourn your past, their future and your future. I can'tfind consolation in anything. I guess I am inconsolable. I don't think I ever really understood what that word means.

 

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Artesia,

This is the most horrible thing anyone can ever go through, in my opinion.  The pain feels unbearable.  It is a shock to the brain, as well as your heart.  I know that I was forever changed at his moment of death.  I have been through some really hard places in my life, and sometimes when I'd encounter another hard place I'd think back to what I'd been through and and know if I survived that, I'd survive this...but losing my husband was a whole new ballgame...it cast a whole new meaning to "hard place", nothing else came even close by comparison.  I was ill prepared to deal with it and didn't know where to begin.  I remember sleeping only an hour or two a night.  Looking back, I don't know how I survived, only that I somehow must have because I'm still here.  It seems unfathomable that one should survive such a hit as this that changes every aspect of your life!  I was sure I'd die of a broken heart, but for some reason I didn't.  It would have seemed easier if I could have, but that was not to be.  I'm glad, now, that I didn't, because I wouldn't have been able to be there for my kids or get to meet my grandbabies when they came along.  

I don't think there is any consolation other than living through it.  And even then, the ramifications are continual as we have to learn how to live without them even with the missing them so much in our hearts.

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Kay, like you I have been through some stuff and I have survived it all.

I don't know how to survive this. When people ask me how I am, the only response I have is still breathing.

If it wasn't for my son, I wouldn't be here. I have to stay for him... and that endless stretch of years on my own looms ominously.

I know I have people who love me.. Tim's love enhanced all of the other love in my life. his absence can only diminish it. 

I hate that we all have to do this. And perhaps a broken heart takes a longer time to kill you than we think?

 

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Autocharge,

I'm not sure why you brought up a quote from my response in your thread "moved past your comfort zone and did it!" because it had nothing to do with the subject of faith and was not written in response to it.  Your response to me was "Yes but I'm finding that there is a lot of time in one day and it's easy to fall back into the isolation." (I can't get the quote this to work).  Of course moving out of our comfort zone isn't a one-time-fix-all, this whole journey is ups and downs, waves crashing!  Moving past our comfort zone should be cause to pat ourselves on the back though, it's not easy!  I still don't see what that has to do with the subject at hand though or why you chose to quote me now, confusing to me.

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3 minutes ago, Artesia said:

that endless stretch of years on my own looms ominously.

I was 52 when my husband died, totally unexpectedly.  In my family they live well into their 90s, so one of my initial thoughts was, "I can't do another 40 years like this!"  Early on someone pointed out to me to do one day at a time, and that helped me tremendously.  Every time I thought about the whole rest of my life, I'd remind myself, you only have to do today.  Then I'd get up and do it all over again.  One day I can handle, the whole rest of my life is too much.  There isn't even enough Xanax for that!

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1 minute ago, KayC said:

 "I can't do another 40 years like this!"  

I think I have said this about a million times in the last week.

At the moment I am doing minute by minute.

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Good for you!  Keep reminding yourself, it does help to break it down into what we can do...minute by minute is common at first.

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1 hour ago, Artesia said:

At the moment I am doing minute by minute.

I feel that is how we all start out in the beginning weeks, months. Minute by minute, then hour by hour. Almost a year later, I still have to do it this way quite often. I have gotten to the point where I try to focus a good portion of my day on other people or a project. It does help to get out of my own head for awhile. The end of the day is another matter all together. I'm alone with myself, my heart and thoughts. The nights are the hardest to get through and so is the morning when the reality hits you that you are looking at another day to get yourself through. Taking it day by day is the best advice to follow.

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8 hours ago, Artesia said:

At the moment I am doing minute by minute.

I know what you're going through.  You're still quiet fresh in your grief and while we all grief differently, I hope you find some relief soon - I really do.  Its strange how tricky grief can be; one moment it's minute-by-minute; the next, its hour by hour and the next, day-by-day.  Sometimes I think I've passed the minute portion moving on to the day-by-day only to be dragged back.  But I'll keep moving forward because that's all I can do; the past was my lesson; the present is my gift; and the future is a blessing.

 

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So I thought I'd be proactive. I rang the psychologist from the cancer centre. Only to be told that she could see me to explain the grief process ( yeah lady, I appear to be doing the practical exam here) and that the local Palliative Care team will send me a letter to offer grief counselling... In SIX WEEKS,

I don't even know that they can do anything to help.. but I have to get through that 6 weeks before I can find out.

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On ‎7‎/‎7‎/‎2017 at 11:26 AM, Artesia said:

I feel like he wasn't real. That I just imagined him and our life. 

I feel the same thing.  As I look around our home I see all this stuff we worked so hard for and now that he is gone, I think for what.  We worked a life time for this and now I wish I could trade it all away just to have Frank back.

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1 hour ago, Artesia said:

Palliative Care team will send me a letter to offer grief counselling... In SIX WEEKS,

 

You've got to be kidding.  That's  a long time just to see if something will benefit you; often times it doesn't. In the earliest stages of my grief, on the request of my daughter, I agreed to see a  grief professional just to see if it would help me - it didn't.  A total waste of time and energy - the worst.  I swore to myself that was it, never again; until my daughter who originally suggested it, felt awful, and begged me to try again.  Reluctantly I did, and it was like night and day.  Talk about a complete *about face*.  I stayed with this grief counselor until my health insurance changed and the new insurance did not cover it.  I'm glad I tried it; I think anything that can help with this unrelenting pain is certainly worth a try.

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4 minutes ago, Francine said:

 

You've got to be kidding.  That's  a long time just to see if something will benefit you; often times it doesn't. In the earliest stages of my grief, on the request of my daughter, I agreed to see a  grief professional just to see if it would help me - it didn't.  A total waste of time and energy - the worst.  I swore to myself that was it, never again; until my daughter who originally suggested it, felt awful, and begged me to try again.  Reluctantly I did, and it was like night and day.  Talk about a complete *about face*.  I stayed with this grief counselor until my health insurance changed and the new insurance did not cover it.  I'm glad I tried it; I think anything that can help with this unrelenting pain is certainly worth a try.

Maybe they wait that long, because you are more receptive to it after some time. But it is in first few days and weeks that you really feel that you need something.

People always want you to get better. Perhaps it would be better to accept that this can never get better.

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