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Back to being alone...


SweetBear

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Not even sure where to begin with all this. I met my Bev back in Jr Hi when we both belonged to the same church. We weren't close friends but hung out once in a while. Our lives went separate ways until about 5 years ago when she popped up on my facebook page. We friended each other and would chat once in awhile. I had shut my heart off after I lost my mom 6 years ago and was fine being the hermit on the hill. Then I ran into her at the store a couple of times and before I knew it I was head over heels in love with her. The only problem being she was straight. So it just became a little fantasy thing with me. Eventually she got me off this hill and coming to her house and she started replacing that huge void I had been left with after losing my mom. It was like I had a safety net again. If something went wrong she'd be there. 

So this went on for about a year until one night she confessed to me that she had feelings for me. My head jumped straight into a happy dance, but I held off confessing that I'd been in love with her for probably most of that last year. But then I finally admitted it and she was over the moon ecstatic. Except this woman was wayyyyyyyy out of my league. Kind of a lady and the tramp scenario. She kept reassuring me that's not how it was. We were both scared to death to let our hearts feel again. She had been through a bitter divorce and kind of locked her heart up too, but we went ahead and made a commitment to each other. And man o man it didn't matter what we were doing we were on cloud nine!! I called it our E-ticket ride. On Valentines day she took me out to lunch and when we got back she said she wanted to give me something and she put her hand out and it was a key to her house. 

For about four months we were a constant thing until some medical issues started coming up. So at point I became more of a care taker person to make sure she knew anything she needed I would do my best to make sure she had it. And I would always remind her how much I loved her and would do what I could. And then another medical issue came up where she needed foot surgery. So again we got off track and had to focus on that. And honestly it was a very stressful time but I kept my patience and told her we'd get through all of it and get back to the fun times. 

By that point an old friend of hers had her car and he was driving her to various appts. Her roommate (who she looked at as a son) would take care of things at night. The three of us had her covered and just wanted her to get better. And at the beginning of the year she was determined that she was going to get back into the swing of things and we'd be going out to do things. It was a <big sigh of relief> moment for me> to hear her say that. 

But then she would have good days where she wanted to help with things around the house, and then three days where she just wanted to stay in bed. She suffered from migraines so we all just went along that that is what it was. Next thing she'd be back to her perky beautiful self. She was prescribed various meds for anxiety, the pain from the medical issues, but she was mail ordering one drug that came from India. And I started noticing she would take it several times a day. So one day when she asked me to help her order it I checked on the name and it was Soma. I came home that night and read up on it. Highly addictive, and can lead to many issues like strokes, heart attack, seizures, and even death. 

I went over the next day and talked to her about it and she agreed she needed to start getting it under control. Then she kind of rearranged who would be around and when and never at the same time. We've now decided that was so we wouldn't compare notes. Eventually we did though, we just did it to late.  

Almost two weeks ago it became obvious again that she was abusing it even more than before, so I talked to her about it and said get a grip or we're taking you to the hospital for intervention. I talked to her on Sunday the 19th and said I was 100% behind, I would take over her finances, we would take care for the dogs, I was already doing the grocery shopping, so ALL she had to do was get better. I said I'd be over the next day after her friend left. He was coming over to confront her too. 

And this is where it gets really hard for me to come to grips with. I had a landslide in my backyard this past winter and the city is responsible for the repairs. They needed to come up on that Monday so I let her know right away. We agreed I'd just come on Tues and we could talk and maybe watch a movie. EVERYTHING seemed fine. Then at around 6 I noticed I had a text message. It was her telling me to just bring her bank card to the house, she would do all this on her own and she needed a break from me. I thought wth? So I called her. She started in that she felt the whole conversation the night before was completely insincere, that I wasn't really interested in helping her get better. Then she said she felt like I was mad that her and her friend had patched things up. I asked why would I be upset HE HELPS with all of this. I was just completely confused. 

But one thing I learned when she spoke of previous people, when she says she needs a break you DO IT, or she's is just flat out done. So reluctantly I said ok. Well she texted a few messages the next morning that made zero sense but I wrote her friend and told him he was on his own until she got over whatever she was upset about. I said the card would be under the mat. I took it over and I KNEW one of them saw me. But after I left she messaged and asked if she could count on her card being there when they got back home. I wrote about 6 different replies and kept erasing them until I finally just wrote---did it. About 4 hours later she wrote--Thank you. 

So I waited that week and nothing. Over the weekend nothing. On Monday her other friend messaged me saying she had cut him off too. Wasn't answering her phone or messages. I didn't hear anything Tues so assumed he had finally got her an gone over. Wed morning he texted and said he completely understood if I didn't, but maybe I should go check on her. I told him I'd be there in a heartbeat if she called or even the roommate. Just before 11 my phone rang and it was her roommate to tell me something was wrong. I got there within 10 minutes and she was breathing but then stopped. We called 911, we were doing cpr. I kept yelling at her to not leave me!!! They took her away with a pulse but not breathing on her own and 5 hours later told me and her roommate that she had a stroke and possible heart attack, she might not make it through the night. 

I just kept telling myself NO WAY! She IS going to pull out of this she is too strong to go out like this!!! And she PROMISED she'd never leave me alone!! She pinky promised and told me you NEVER dare break a pinky promise!! And then that whole conversation of her telling me she needed a break and I was insincere. It just kept playing over and over. She had even gone out that Tues and changed her debit cards and changed her passwords. That was another slap in the face. But again I'd just go with it was the drugs! But was it? 

I went to see to her both Thurs and Friday, no change, and not a single person gave an ounce of hope. Her cousin finally arrived, started going against her wishes, and Sat morning they pulled the plug. I was there with "those people" and the roommate was there with me. I held her hand until they pronounced her dead. It was like she might have been their family by blood and living no where near here, but she was OUR family face to face, day after day. Holidays, birthdays, just fun times. They've come here and are tearing down the house and putting things in storage. Everything is just going "poof". 

Added now I've become a third wheel to things, not invited to the private family spreading of the ashes. Because well, you were just her best friend after all. I have friends that we both knew since jr hi telling me they're here if I need to talk. But that's as far as they reach. I find myself pacing the house, trying to escape this empty devastating feeling but as I'm sure you know, it goes everywhere you do. I went out to our favorite spot yesterday and just kept begging her to she me a sign that she's not angry with me. I see nothing. And even though I know her last words to me were Thank You I also know the context in why they were said. But I try to convince myself that it was left at that, and now means thank you for everything. 

I've always had very vivid dreams and after my om passed I stopped having any memory of dreams. One morning I woke up and realized I had started dreaming again. It felt like a step forward. With what little sleep I've had my dreams are gone again. And my heart isn't just locked up again, it's triple vaulted and surround by a moat. Back to hermit life. And that will take a good two years to settle into again. 

I'm in disbelief that I fought so hard to keep her out of my life and my heart and it feels like I'm not only losing her but I'm losing my mom all over again.   

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Sweetbear,

I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your beloved. I'm sorry also for the loss of your mother and the sorrow all of this has created. 

You sound aware that her addiction and the insidious hold it had on her was, at the root, behind her behavior. You also probably realize you aren't to blame and that you, in fact, did what you could to help her. And you probably know that despite our best efforts, and the sincerity behind those efforts, sometimes fall short, because ultimately it's their choices to make. However, it's your broken heart that needs convincing, your wounded soul that's been dealt a cruel hand. Guilt, regret, second guessing ourselves, these are the things we fight in the wake of such events. You aren't to assume any blame, but I know guilt will claw at you. I know, I've dealt with it and I continue to deal with it. She loved you, she cherished the Iove and friendship you gave her, and I promise you she battled constantly against demons, that in the end, that just overwhelmed her. Sometimes we beat the demons, other times, they bring us down, but I assure you, they did NOT win. Love is eternal, death has no power over it, she's free of the war. Like my wife, she has a clarity now that we can't even begin to imagine. She has peace and truth, she is free of suffering, pain, misery and fear. 

I don't have the words to make you feel better or to make this easier. Your sorrow is not only losing her, but the loss of your mom, the behavior of her family coupled with the nature of your last days together, you are no doubt dealing with very complex emotions. If you feel like things are getting to be too much to handle on your own, seek out a professional grief counselor, allow them to help you navigate through these difficult times. 

I like your "E-ticket" reference, that's a very nice analogy, fitting and appropriate. 

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you've found yourself here in the valley with the rest of us. Please know, that here, you're never alone. Post here as often as you see fit, beautiful people, with moving stories and endless compassion, come here and will help or advise anyway they can. 

Peace and comfort, 

Andy

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Ty for your comforting words. It does feel like it's just one huge ball of tangled yarn. What if I hadn't cancelled that morning? What if the three of us had taken the initiative and taken her to check into rehab? 

A very nice social worker (Nancy) came in while I was visiting with Bev on Thursday. 

For starters this is the same hospital I lost my mom at and Wed felt like trigger after trigger. So I was sharing that with Nancy and sharing my guilt of us not forcing the issue. Nancy said well you might have and she might have ended the friendship. I pointed over to Bev who was on life support and I said---wouldnt that be far more acceptable???? 

And I wish I could drill into my head what all she had said on Sunday night because THAT was a wonderful conversation. At one point she said---I find myself loving you more and more every day. But instead I hear-- I think you're insincere and I need a break, bring me my debit card.

Every single other person in all this has someone. Roommate has his brother (who actually had Bev as a teacher) so he talks to him. Obviously cousin has his wife and his son came in on Sunday I think it was. I walked in and the kitchen had stuff they had bought sitting all over. Fridge stocked with ribeye steaks, beer, Jack Daniels on the counter. Bev hated clutter and she'd be pitching a fit at one 1/10th of what I walked into.

Long story short her cousin just inherited over 2 million plus. He had to have me give him her debit card number just to get a ticket out here. 

And I'm not saying they don't love her and feel loss but respect her (our) home. 

Ok sorry, got off on a rant. Again ty for your thoughtful words. They are much appreciated. 

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Sweetbear, your story is heartbreaking and I cant imagine what you are going through, lossing someone is hard and it gets harder when the situation gets out of our hands. 

I believe when our time is close we feel it, she migth felt it and try to push you away so you dont get hurt. Sadness, depression and anxiety brings up the worst in us, dont blame yourself or her.

Buddhism says that anger, suffering and resentment are human-bond, souls only feel peace, joy and happiness, I know for sure she is not angry, she is loving you and filled with peace.

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Ka9219 the one thing I've not done is be angry towards her. I think it was the last day I saw her and told I was there no matter what, she sat for a little bit and then she said---I hope you know I'm not trying to be this pathetic... I stood up and went and put my arms around her and told I knew that, we would get through this. 

She was a very proud woman. Had a fantastic career and changed countless live through her teaching career. 

But even though I know grief can reach an angry stage I don't ever want her to feel I'm angry at her

 I AM angry at the situation and that foreign countries sell that crap and much more. She was simply a $$$$ to them. And unfortunately she could afford it

Thank you for your thoughts. They are appreciated.

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Yes, grief is different for all of us, but we all at some point reach that "anger stage" for me it came to soon, one week Mario died I started to feel so much anger, sometimes it is not a "focus anger" I just feel it, sometimes I'm angry with Mario, or god, or life, or the situation.... but I let myself feel it, because over all that anger is the love I have towards him.

It helps to get one day at time, we are here for you

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It breaks my heart every time I read the story of a new poster because I know someone else is beginning this sad journey. I am also sad that you had to perform CPR. I know that helpless feeling all to well as I was alone with Lori when she had her heart attack. I know the terror of seeing your soulmate slipping away. I've never felt a fear so intense and real in my life. It's a vision I have a hard time removing from my mind. I try not to avoid grief when the wave comes but that is one vision I push away as fast and hard as I can because it is not beneficial for my healing. These visions serve no purpose other than to bring back the overwhelming fear of those few moments. I wish nothing but peace for you as you walk this path. Know that we will walk it with you and carry you when you need it.

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SweetBear,

I'm trying to absorb everything you said, it's a lot to process, I am just so sorry for your loss, none of this is fair, there is no fairness in death/loss/grief.  You mentioned it's bringing up the loss of your mom again, that seems to be how grief works.  It's important to grieve them independently, even though one triggers another.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html 

It may feel like she rejected you at the end, but in looking at it as an observer, I think she was trying to keep you from knowing how affected and hooked she was on that medication.  It took away her ability to see/think/feel things as she normally would.  You fought to save her, as did her other friend, and I hope you realize that in its entirety.  She knows that.  When people are passing from this world to the next, they can observe things from outside of themselves, and I believe completely that she saw the two of you doing your best to save her.  She knew who her real friends were, you were her family.  There is the family we are born to, but then there is the family of our choosing, and she chose you.

I know the pain of losing the person you loved most in life, for I lost my soulmate, my best friend, my husband, George.  There is no coming back from this, not to how things once were, but there is a long journey through grief, the processing their death, the building a life you can live, and discovering purpose for your life.  It's not quick, it's not easy, it's taken me 12 years to make my way through this.  Try not to let the journey scare you, we all have different paths, different timelines, and our journeys are unique.

This is a good place to come to, you can express yourself and know you are in a safe place, you will be heard and understood.  No one will judge you here.  Our hearts go out to you and we'll be here to go through this with you if you want us to.

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Sweetbear, I was reading your posts last night. I'm not very good with words, but I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved and the struggles of your story of togetherness.  I feel the others who have posted are correct, in that your girlfriend was trying in her own way of sparing you from her inner mental demons and the med addiction. She loves you and forever always will. She was protecting you from herself and the angst of her situation.  She has great love for you and it is a blessing you can carry in your heart as you traverse this new path you find yourself on. Prayers of comfort and peace to you. This journey of grieving is very tough and painful. We will be here to help you in any way we can.

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First I'd like to apologize for not replying to individual posts right now. I had a rough night and when I finally got to sleep it seemed like everything under the sun was waking me back up. Cell phone, cat, call phone again, message alerts. So my head is just a jumbled mess right now. Well even more so than has been. 

I appreciate all your kind words and I'm honestly trying to convince myself her wanting the break was to avoid me seeing her fall even further down the hill. And then the whole conversation plays back in my head. Her tone of voice, her words. Changing the bank cards. 

I also feel like I'm going through withdrawals from not being at the house and with our dogs. The longest time I ever spent away from there was about a week when I had the flu. Still she checked on me every day and week at least talked. But now it's not even "our house", it's the cousins and I'm just a stranger. 

I can't believe that at 11:15 tomorrow morning she will be gone a week. 

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Sweetbear, No need to apologize for not responding to individual posts. I think it is safe to say, that none of us here have any expectations for an individual response. We are here to listen, empathize, share, support and understand our loss and pain .In a sense, we are your family. A place where you can come to when you are feeling alone and no where else to go with all that you are going through. Just day to day basic functioning can feel so overwhelming at this time. Our minds are a chaotic mess due to the traumatic impact of our loss. So much to process, sort out, come to grips with. Decisions, choices, everything is so hard to deal with. Just remembering to breathe is enough to cope with. Be patient and gentle with yourself.  (HUGS)

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22 hours ago, SweetBear said:

For about four months we were a constant thing

I'm so sorry for your loss and sometimes words are so inadequate and seem so feeble in moments like this.   Few things are as painful as losing someone you love as well as frightening, overwheIming not to mention very, very lonely.   I am very happy that you shared a love that transcends time and you will always have that.  I hope you remember the  love and not the loss.  Half of you is gone so know that its going to take time for you to heal.   Wounds don't heal the way you want them to; they heal the way they need to. It takes time for wounds to fade into scars; it also takes time for healing to take place - give yourself that time, that grace.  Be gentle to your wounds and to your heart.   YOU DESERVE IT. - We all do.  There is no magic cure, no making it all go away.  There are only small steps forward, an easier day, an unexpected laugh, one day at a time.  At the end of the day,  I pray God gives you Hope and Srength;  Hope that it will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.

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Did you keep separate residences?  Just wondering, because if you lived together, I'm not sure the cousin could throw you out so quickly, there are laws and processes that apply.  You mentioned your collective dogs, do you have them still?  Because it seems what would be the best for the dogs is to be with someone they knew and were close to.  I know the law considers them property, but it'd take someone pretty inhumane to ignore what's in the dogs' best interests.  I hope you don't lose them entirely.  Gosh this is hard, on every level!

Don't worry about not replying to each person individually, there's no "grief etiquette" here, it's hard enough to survive this without having to worry about stuff like that...Marty Townsend (grief counselor that runs another forum) says to remove "should" from our vocabulary with regards to grief! :)

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Yes there were a couple of reasons we lived separately. I inherited my parents house and live in it and she bought a house that is about 5 minutes away when she moved back to our home town. 

With us both having been through failed relationships neither of us were on the fast track to giving up our homes. 

However I was at her house a majority of the time from morning to night. We did holidays there as well. 

There are three dogs. One is the roommates, the other two were Bev's, but I considered them my fur kids as well. When she was discussing her will 3 months ago she said I should take them but my yard is not an adequate size and until the city repairs the back hill it's not even enclosed. So I just can't do it. Plus they are a huge handful at times that even the three of us had a hard time controlling.

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Another dreaded day. At 11:15 it will be one week since I lost my beautiful Bev. I hate being awake in this ongoing nightmare...

I have a horrible time sleeping just in general but with all this, it's gotten 100x worse. I take generic sleeping pills to at least fall asleep at night but by 4am my brain kicks back in and I either take two more, or I lay here surfing the net until Bev would call or text.

This morning I woke up at 3:30. Took two more sleeping pills and laid here tossing and turning. I was in a semi conscious state when all of a sudden it was like a snapshot image popped in my head.

This past Christmas Bev had told me about a little white ceramic Christmas tree her dad had given her. Every year just the two of them would put the little color plastic bulbs in the holes and then they would light it up together. She was so childlike and adorable as she shared the special time.

But then she went on to say somewhere during the divorce that tree had vanished and she had felt it's absence every Christmas since.

With Bev I always tried to make every single gift I gave her meaningful in the fact it represented a happy time in her life. So I went online determined to find one of those trees. I figured they were a "thing" in the 60's and after a couple of days I found one on a website. 

By that time it was about 5 days until Christmas. So I went over the next day and showed it to her and OMG she was so excited and said it was identical. So I ordered it. 

Obviously it didn't arrive before Christmas, but she just kept telling me she was so happy she would have that little tree back and we would decorate it together next Christmas.

So I walked in a couple of days after Christmas and there was the little tree sitting on the butcher block in the kitchen. She walked into the kitchen at the same time and she grabbed my hand and said "looook!! It came!!!! I absolutely love it!!!" And she gave me a big hug. 

Tbh in this past week I've been thinking of misc. things I'd given her and that little tree had completely skipped my mind.

Until that snapshot image popped in my head. It was the little tree all decorated and lit up. It was sitting on her dresser. It was like a close up with nothing else around it.

I instantly woke up with that huge knot in my stomach and the emptiness in my heart. I wanted to call the cousin right that minute to ask if I could have the tree back. It's just another thing that won't mean squat to them, but means so much to me. 

But then I slowed down my thinking. I looked at the picture of Bev and I that's on my dresser and I asked her to please find a way to let the little tree come home with me. 

I expect I'll be hearing from the cousin soon about her ashes so we'll see. Her roommate knows I gave it to her so possibly he'll mention it.

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I hope you do get it back.  When my mom passed, she left everything to my brother, nothing to us five girls.  He cleaned out her house, I was allowed nothing.  One thing in particular I'd wanted was a purse my dad had given her, it had hand tooled leather with deer on it.  I was born on a deer hunting trip they took so it meant a lot to me, it was a symbol of their love.  The lacing was broken and needed redone so I doubt it was given to Goodwill, more than likely it was thrown out, no one even realizing how important it was to me.  It seems so unfair!  I don't know why my mom had her will done like she did, but she wasn't in her right mind so who knows.  

I've had to learn to live with things in my memory, without tangible items to cherish.  I only have a couple of pictures of her.

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I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through with the cousin. It just makes a horrible situation even worse, if that's even possible.

The title of this thread really hits home with me. I'm back to living a lonely life, one I thought was in the past and I would never have to live through again. I've always been extremely shy and so I really don't have any close friends. There are people I talk to at work and church and some of my family but no friends I can just call up or stop by to visit. Years ago in my teens and early 20s, I asked God to send me someone, I was so lonely. I met a guy who became my first and only boyfriend. We were together for almost 4 years but he just wasn't what I wanted in a life partner. No ambition and seemed to hide things from me that he knew or thought I would disapprove of, nothing terrible, just stupid stuff. I met Lily and we just clicked. The next 20 years were wonderful and I knew she was the one God sent me. She never judged and was so full of life and joy, we always laughed and had a good time together no matter what we did. I didn't need anyone else in my life. She was my life. Now I'm back to being alone and sad. I don't know how to go on like this again now that I'm in my 40s. It seems so much harder now. It's not just that I'm back to living a lonely life but now I am missing my Lily and everything she brought into my life. She really made my life so much better just by being here. Now I go to work, come home, heat up a can of soup, stay in my room, watch TV until I fall asleep. And repeat the cycle each day until the weekend. Those are tough. If I can get through them without an emotional breakdown, I call it a success. My mom says that maybe people from church will become close friends but I doubt it. They are older and we have nothing in common. They talk about their kids and grandkids and I have nothing. I spend a lot of time reading and it comforts me but how I long to look up and see Lily sitting in her favorite chair reading on her phone. She'd look up and smile and that was enough. I talk to her every day and I hope for one day to receive a response or a visitation from her. That would make this lonely life somewhat more bearable.

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Even though I knew it was only a matter of time, I was not prepared to open my fb page and see Bev's obituary. All the pictures they chose don't reflect anything but who she was in another life. Five years ago that entire life was set behind her and she was making a new life with new memories and happy times. She had put the people behind that had hurt her. And now the cousin has welcomed them back with open arms. I won't be the least bit surprised if her ex husband shows up to the service. :angry2:

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SweetBear, I dont know neither understand what goes into others people mind, mostly their family... When Mario was alive, he told me about his ex girlfriend, she abuses him psychologically, she forbidden him to play video games (was the one thing he love to do most in the world), she makes him pay her bills, and cheat on him for almost 2 years,when they broke up she stole his keys and stole his fridge and some things he bought when he started living alone, she is a monster... She was in the hospital and in his funeral CRYING, and it wasnt bad, the worst is see how close and good friends she and Mario's brother are now.

I just wonder, how? how can they disrespect Mario's memory? how can she be so hypocrite and cynical?

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On 7/10/2017 at 6:53 PM, SweetBear said:

. Five years ago that entire life was set behind her and she was making a new life with new memories and happy times. She had put the people behind that had hurt her. And now the cousin has welcomed them back with open arms. I won't be the least bit surprised if her ex husband shows up to the service

Wow SweetBear, more similarities. Pat had a new life too, a happy life. His ex girlfriend was at the wake and the funeral home was full of pictures of the 2 of them!  It had been 6 years since they split up. And she drove to the funeral in the family limo with his siblings. How did I survive that first week?  It was all so horrible in so many ways. If her ex does show up, just be strong, be graceful, be above those people. Make Bev proud. I hope Pat was proud of me the way I handled those awful situations. 

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1 hour ago, HHFaith said:

Wow SweetBear, more similarities. Pat had a new life too, a happy life. His ex girlfriend was at the wake and the funeral home was full of pictures of the 2 of them!  It had been 6 years since they split up. And she drove to the funeral in the family limo with his siblings. How did I survive that first week?  It was all so horrible in so many ways. If her ex does show up, just be strong, be graceful, be above those people. Make Bev proud. I hope Pat was proud of me the way I handled those awful situations. 

When Bev use to tell me about how her ex husband treated her (the trophy wife) I use to get so angry and then I'd tell her---his loss my gain. He'd throw all these parties expecting her to play hostess while he got drunk with his friends and she catered to them. Then about 6 months ago her spousal support check didn't come, so she messaged him and got nothing. The next day she left voicemail and he called back saying he had sent it, but he cancelled that check and he'd drop it off at the house later in the afternoon. So you can bet I was the one that opened the front door and had daggers in my eyes, but I shook his hand, thanked him for the check and closed the door. Male or female I was actually shocked she ever found this guy appealing. 

It was so important for me to show her a happy life that we shared. Not a life where she had to "perform" in front people. That's why we built such a life at the house when she wasn't able to go out. I think I've said in the past her bedroom was like the living room. Backdoor never locked, come in give the dogs attention, grab a soda or water from the fridge and head into her room. A Seinfeld life I guess. 

And right now? I'm not even sure I can do the service. It's going to be people who only knew who she "was". The funeral home is like 5 minutes from her house. Across the street from where I always went to get her smokes and on the other corner grab us Mexican take out. The service isn't until August 20th so I have plenty of time to decide. 

 

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2 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Wow SweetBear, more similarities. Pat had a new life too, a happy life. His ex girlfriend was at the wake and the funeral home was full of pictures of the 2 of them!  It had been 6 years since they split up. And she drove to the funeral in the family limo with his siblings. How did I survive that first week?  It was all so horrible in so many ways. If her ex does show up, just be strong, be graceful, be above those people. Make Bev proud. I hope Pat was proud of me the way I handled those awful situations. 

I couldn't stand what you went through... It seems unreal how people can reach that point of cynicism, how did she to do that? You are strong, and brave, and for sure Pat is proud of you...

I am so sorry you have to go through that, but hold tight to the love you have for her, and so you SweetBear, whatever comes, be sure you knew the real Bev, she loves you and she chose you to knew her better than anyone, she will be watching over you, giving you strength 

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So before Bev passed I've been in this state of mourning for my parents, mostly my mom. And when Bev died it triggered something inside of me that the things I've been holding on to or not changing (in this house) no longer mean what they did. So this week I started making changes in a few areas. It kept my mind busy but as the sun went down (I'm huge on sunsets) I'd go out front and there was that one lone dove either on the streetlight wire or even sometimes on the roof directly behind me. I'm pretty much convinced it's her being here with me, so I talk to her a lot. Cry a lot. And last night I kept asking her to send me a song. 

I guess I should throw in here I use to HATE country music but due to my ex gf always sharing practically every song under the sun, when we were on the outs I forced myself to start listening to CW to avoid the hurt of hearing songs her and I had shared. Next thing I knew, I knew the lyrics, the songs, it wasn't a proud moment on my part. lol 

OK so jump forward, Bev despised CW. We were from the same era. Probably my favorite band is Chicago, and that is the first concert she ever saw. So my trying to share CW songs with her was a definite miss. So tonight I was outside talking to her. She was over on the wire, and all of a sudden this song came on the stereo. Apparently it's been out for months and I've never once heard it, or if I did I didn't pay attention. But it is so her way of thinking. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwP9ud8B_MQ

I'm thinking about all of you. I appreciate you're listening and responses. Tomorrow is my bday and really not sure how I'm going to deal with it. 

 

 

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George and I loved country music, I used to listen to it on my long commute, but I don't listen to music since I retired.  I like Brad Paisley, hadn't heard this one.

I want to wish you a Happy Birthday, I know it's a mixed bag at best without them here, but I do hope your day goes well.

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Sweetbear,  Happy Birthday!  I know the day is going to be difficult, but try to do one, small, special thing for yourself.

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Ty you for the birthday wishes. It certainly wasn't a happy one but at the same time it started in an odd way.

Bev and her dad had a thing between them with sunflowers. After she told me I use to buy her sunflowers once in awhile as well as regular flowers, but sunflowers kind of became a thing for me to remind me of her where ever I was. 

So a friend I spent some time with after Bev passed away had messaged yesterday and said she was coming by to drop something off. I was not in the mood to pretend happy or for that matter even get up and dressed so I ignored the message. 15 minutes later doorbell rang, then again. After about 10 minutes I crawled out if bed and first thing I saw was the dove sitting on the tree stump. I paused for a second, and wished like crazy it really is Bev trying to comfort me. I told her ty for being close on my birthday but I'd give anything to have her here taking me out again like two years ago.

I walked out to the living room and looked on the front porch and next to a gift bag was a sunflower!! I immediately broke down crying and just saying over and over I can't believe she brought sunflowers up here!!! It felt like a bad reminder I'm alone again on my birthday!!! But after 5 minutes or so I stopped and thought was Bev reaching out to me through this person (we both knew her but Bev hadn't seen her since back in Jr high).

So I felt a calm come over me in hoping it was her. But then instantly I thought--no I likely mentioned the sunflowers the day we talked so it was just a nice gesture to remind me of special things with Bev.

I messaged her and asked her if I had shared the sunflower story. About 10 minutes later she wrote back and said---no, never heard the story, I just love them and thought you could use some sunshine. 

So even though it wasn't a happy day, it felt a little less painful Bev was trying to show me she's here in the only way she can be. 

IMG_20170717_192202932.jpg

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You realize how marvelous is all of this? If I had a male I'll never think of give him a flower as a present, and between all the flowers she could choose, she choose the sunflower, I am jealous and not it a bad way, but have you realize how many events and thoughts happen before that sunflower came to you? Look I was hesitating about "signals" and thinks alike, but this, this is out of words... Omg...

Sweetbear she is with you, she did all of this for you, and I am amazed. She is making you happy even after she passed away. And I am happy for you because this is wonderful. 

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It absolutely seems Bev was giving her the idea to bring you a sunflower!  I would take that as a sign of her presence, her wanting to be there for you on your special day.

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So very happy for you. A little sunshine in your life is a great thing no matter how fleeting. 

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Just needing to share some things and people in my life are tired of hearing "it's not suppose to be like this" whining. Or maybe it's more of a rant...

It's coming up on two months Sept 1st. Can't believe Bev and I looked so forward to summer and now she's gone and summer is almost gone as well. After losing my mom holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas had been nothing but painful lonely reminders that I'm truly alone. But then two years ago Bev had invited me for Christmas and that was the new start for a mini family and holidays. Last year we had a great Thanksgiving and then Christmas.

I also loathe the colder shorter days. Which most people say is stupid because I live in San Diego. But regardless....

When Bev passed away and the cousin said the memorial wouldn't be until the 20th of August I almost had a sense of relief because the meorial put the definite end of things. So I've spent this time, alone. I chat online with a few people but mostly I'm just here surfing the net and trying to keep my mind busy. Trying to escape this empty lost feeling. And trying to stop thinking about August 20th closing in. And next thing I knew here it was.

I've not been able to go to her house since July 2 or 3. And then I found myself not even able to contact her roommate who is also suffering her loss. I found out last week that her long time friend who was a part of our mini family wasn't going to attend the service so that left me even more apprehensive. It took every ounce of me to get up, get dressed and head to the funeral home. When I walked in I saw her roommate and immediately made a beeline toward him. He reached out to hug me and I realized my entire body was trembling. I broke down in his arms. I apologized for not being in touch and he said not to worry he understood. 

The entire service was something Bev would have been appalled by. And embarrassed. She was ALL about doing things up big and fancy. The pamphlet for the memorial was crappy B&W with her pic on the front and back. A 10 year old could have been more creative. Then under her pic on the front it had ALL of her ex husbands names included in her name. After her last divorce she had legally changed her name and resented things that came in the mail that still had her with the husbands last name. She wouldn't even open it. She'd just tell me--trash. And here was his friggen last name on her memorial thing.

But then it got even better. THAT EX husband and his wife walked in the door. The WOMAN he had cheated on Bev with!!! I thought omg who does that? I mean if he needed to come then whatever but leave the wife at home!! 

Bev was still connected to so many people from growing up, our high school days, her teaching days and I actually expected 50 or more to show up. Maybe even 100. There were maybe 25 people and most of those were the cousins family. The cousin led the service. Mostly talked about her visit with them two years ago.

But then he started talking about her. And had I just walked in not knowing who the service was for? I NEVER would have guessed he was talking about her. Favorite color red and her closet was FULL of red clothes. Um no, her closet was full of BLACK clothes all the way down to her socks. She had music CD's all over the house. No, she had a CD folder in the car. She didn't even play music the entire two years I was there, except in the car. Her favorite drink of choice was Jack Daniels. That would be another NO. The only alcohol she ever drank was Capt Morgans. 

One thing Bev absolutely hated was food platters (and buffets lol). She would spend hours in the kitchen catering parties when she was still married. Anything in the store bought food platter was a HUGE NO NO. After the service they had----a meat and cheese platter and a veggie platter. 

Her house is less than 2 minutes from the funeral place. She would have expected a first class catered meal and the guests invited to the house she LOVED. 

I also found out that the private service I had been told I'd be a part of at her parents grave site had already gone on. She had an entire list of songs she wanted played at her service. Not a single song was played. 

About the only thing that made me smile was finding out form her roommate was, her son had gone back to her house before he left back in July and told her cousin he was going to contest the will. I guess he was told get off the property and don't come back. That sealed it in my mind that that was the ONLY reason he had come to the hospital before she passed. He was thinking he was about to hit it rich. I guess the cousin had promised him some things and at that point he said nope, get lost. He was a no show yesterday. 

The whole thing yesterday was just so under her standards and it's sad because I know for a fact the money was there to do things up grand and how she would have liked it. 

But then, I came home. It was like the entire grieving process was back at square one. I hoped to wake up today and just be back to the "ok I'm awake so what?" mood, but this stupid eclipse thing was going on and all I kept thinking about is Bev and I would have been watching it together. A huge moment for the country and here I was doing it alone. 

Every person there yesterday has family. Spouses, kids, brothers, sisters. Somebody they can share their grief with. I only have the roommate (who is moving away on the 30th) and her long time friend. 

Oh, and all the mutual friends of her and I from growing up? The ones who were so adamant about knowing the date of the memorial because she was such a special friend? Not a single one showed up. I posted the stupid pamphlet thing on my fb. Only people that commented never even knew her. 

With that said, I hope everyone is doing the best they can and can find support from friends or family. 

 

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So sorry that the memorial went so poorly. It's an event that can bring up so much of the pain you thought was beginning to heal. We always have in our minds what the perfect tribute to our loved ones should be and when it doesn't live up to that it is very hard to reconcile. The important part is the love that was shared between you while she was here. Nobody can take that away.

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Wow!  I am so sorry!  It shows that whoever made the decisions didn't know her very well, I wish you could have had input.  I'm especially appalled that they used her exes' last names.  I've told my kids that I only want my maiden name, my kids' dad's name (showing the link with my kids), my late husband's name...hopefully by that time I'll have gotten rid of the last name of the con I married...I've procrastinated because of the work involved, but I need to do that, I hate to go out with it.  And for the cheater ex to show up with his cohort really takes the balls!  Let alone stand up and say something!  He could have just slipped into the back row after everyone was seated and slipped out as soon as it was over, but to try and grandstand shows extremely poor taste!  

It's no wonder you feel you stepped backwards.  I'm sorry it was such a disappointment and an affront to her memory.  Funerals they say are for the living not the dead and this kind of shows it.  It's too bad it didn't go as you know she would have wanted it.  You can know that you knew her better than most and that's a legacy to your relationship.  As Sean said, 

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The important part is the love that was shared between you while she was here. Nobody can take that away.

 

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10 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

So sorry that the memorial went so poorly. It's an event that can bring up so much of the pain you thought was beginning to heal. We always have in our minds what the perfect tribute to our loved ones should be and when it doesn't live up to that it is very hard to reconcile. The important part is the love that was shared between you while she was here. Nobody can take that away.

Ty, it's very sad that her faith in her cousin to do things like she wished were not honored. I remember a very pointed conversation her and I had one day on whether he would actually ignore the will and give her son something. She was adamant that he would honor her wishes to a T, that's why she had picked him. Had the son not showed his backside he actually would have gotten things and a small amount of money.

Bev was the kind of person who would NEVER just buy a box of generic Christmas cards to send out. If she met people to have lunch she would pick up the entire tab. She would walk in the grocery store and just grab things without even looking at the price because THAT'S what she liked. I'm totally generic brands, coupons, and expiring meat and breads but eventually I got use to just going in and getting her groceries without cringing. 

I know the saying a person would be rolling over in their grave. Not sure what people do that are cremated but she definitely would have been doing it. 

Btw the way this was the sunset that evening from my front patio. Just as beautiful as her.  

august 20 2017 a.jpg

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

Wow!  I am so sorry!  It shows that whoever made the decisions didn't know her very well, I wish you could have had input.  I'm especially appalled that they used her exes' last names.  I've told my kids that I only want my maiden name, my kids' dad's name (showing the link with my kids), my late husband's name...hopefully by that time I'll have gotten rid of the last name of the con I married...I've procrastinated because of the work involved, but I need to do that, I hate to go out with it.  And for the cheater ex to show up with his cohort really takes the balls!  Let alone stand up and say something!  He could have just slipped into the back row after everyone was seated and slipped out as soon as it was over, but to try and grandstand shows extremely poor taste!  

It's no wonder you feel you stepped backwards.  I'm sorry it was such a disappointment and an affront to her memory.  Funerals they say are for the living not the dead and this kind of shows it.  It's too bad it didn't go as you know she would have wanted it.  You can know that you knew her better than most and that's a legacy to your relationship.  As Sean said, 

 

Ty, it reminded me of why I never wanted to get close to someone again. And why I'm not god at funerals. 

I was literally shocked to see all those names on there. She was actually embarrassed by the fact she had managed to pick 3 losers to marry. And yes the ex husband parading in with his wife was as tacky as it gets. Bev DESPISED that woman. In fact her life completely changed because of events that took place in her trying to move someplace and get her head together. Also the new wife is kind of a well known face in this town so as she was standing out in the entry way the few people from this area were almost "star struck" to go chat with her. 

The ex husband made eye contact with me once and apparently the daggers from my eyes were obvious because he quickly looked away. The cousin did tell me he has the ashes I requested so I'll be doing my own type memorial possible with other people or just alone. And I will play what songs I remember seeing on the list. 

Get the name change because as we all know, you never know....

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SweetBear, The sunset pic is gorgeous! Maybe Bev's way of letting you know that even though her memorial was nothing as it should have been, a beautiful sunset sent from Heaven makes up for it. She is in that paradise of beauty and someday, you will be there with her. Please, have your own memorial for Bev. She will be there with you.

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SweetBear, the picture is beautiful!  I agree with KMB.  Some things we can't prove but must take on faith or face value, that sunset being when it was is one of those things, I hope it comforts you.

I can relate...I also am; embarrassed by some of the marriages I've had, I realize how they evolved, but still, it's embarrassing and an affront to my intelligence.  I would never call my kids' dad a loser, but sadly he didn't put forth the effort to be the one for me.  George is the only one that clicked with me and while we both put forth great effort, it didn't feel like work.  It felt effortless, we just fit.  I'm so glad I had that one relationship in my life, some never get to know what it is to be loved and being reciprocal, it was so special.

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2 minutes ago, KayC said:

George is the only one that clicked with me and while we both put forth great effort, it didn't feel like work.  It felt effortless, we just fit.  I'm so glad I had that one relationship in my life, some never get to know what it is to be loved and being reciprocal, it was so special.

In all of my sadness and despair, this is one of the things that brings me solace and maybe even a smile to my face. That Lori and I, in her own words, "just got each other". Our relationship too felt effortless and we truly fit like puzzle pieces. I am grateful that I got to experience a piece of Heaven on Earth for fourteen years. I may have gone from Eden to the desert but I consider myself blessed that I got to experience what few get.

Like  Alfred Lord Tennyson says:

 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield. If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever.

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On 8/23/2017 at 7:31 AM, Eagle-96 said:

Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 

I feel that way too.  I think most of us do.  I've run across a couple of people along the way that say they'd wish they'd never met their spouse so they wouldn't feel this pain.  I could never ever wish that.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

 I could never ever wish that.

I could never wish that also. I had 25 wonderful years. The best chunk of my life right there. I started out with a rough, abusive life.Then,blessed with 25 years of love and goodness. Now, I am alone and lonely for my husband. Crap shoot of life, but I will always cherish those 25 years and my husband for giving them to me.

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