Loss of my love

[Sb123]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend passed away on 12th of April this year. We were in relationship for about 7 years. He was just 24 and I am 23. We knew each other from childhood. We used to live in the same vicinity. 

On 18th march he had a major car accident on his way to work and he had broken leg and ankle. For the first few days he was in trauma icu and i went to meet him and started crying because i couldnt see him like this. Then he was shifted to the normal ward as he was getting better. We were all so happy that he was going to be okay. I remember last time i met him in the hospital he was joking around and happy but still couldnt move his leg because he had an ankle operation. But suddenly on the night of 31st march he went into cardiac arrest and the doctors found out that he had clot in his lungs. After that they again shifted him to trauma icu as he had stopped responding. I went to meet him again with my friend and i held his hands and talked to him and begged him to open his eyes but he didnt respond to anything. After few days on 12th April the doctors declared that he was brain dead as he was not responding. That day when his brother messaged me he had passed away i fell on the ground weeping and shouting like crazy. All these months i wish to be just dead. I feel like i have lost my life too. I am in extreme depression. Although my family is with me but i feel weak. I feel mentally paralyzed for life.

thanks if you are reading this. I dont know what to even write anymore.

[Eagle-96]

41 minutes ago, Sb123 said:

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend passed away on 12th of April this year. We were in relationship for about 7 years. He was just 24 and I am 23. We knew each other from childhood. We used to live in the same vicinity. 

On 18th march he had a major car accident on his way to work and he had broken leg and ankle. For the first few days he was in trauma icu and i went to meet him and started crying because i couldnt see him like this. Then he was shifted to the normal ward as he was getting better. We were all so happy that he was going to be okay. I remember last time i met him in the hospital he was joking around and happy but still couldnt move his leg because he had an ankle operation. But suddenly on the night of 31st march he went into cardiac arrest and the doctors found out that he had clot in his lungs. After that they again shifted him to trauma icu as he had stopped responding. I went to meet him again with my friend and i held his hands and talked to him and begged him to open his eyes but he didnt respond to anything. After few days on 12th April the doctors declared that he was brain dead as he was not responding. That day when his brother messaged me he had passed away i fell on the ground weeping and shouting like crazy. All these months i wish to be just dead. I feel like i have lost my life too. I am in extreme depression. Although my family is with me but i feel weak. I feel mentally paralyzed for life.

thanks if you are reading this. I dont know what to even write anymore.

I am so sorry you are going through this but I am glad you were able to find this forum. We are here anytime you need to talk, vent, or cry. You have probably been through quite a roller coaster of emotions like fear, anger, loneliness, regret, and despair but they are normal and to be expected. This mental paralysis is also normal. To me it felt like a fog or a numbness where I didn't really feel like doing anything productive and I didn't care about the consequences anyway. You should slowly come out of this fog but the timeframe is different for everyone. And if you don't know what to write, just say what's in your heart. You will find no judgement here. I wish you nothing but peace and comfort on this journey.

[KMB]

Sb123, So young to be going through this suffering of loss and your boyfriend losing his life at such a young age is extremely devastating. I am so deeply sorry. Thank goodness you have your family's support. Have you considered seeing your doctor for your depression? Please, don't let the depression go on too long because it can be destructive to your mind and body. Have you considered a grief counselor or grief support group? Advice and tools can be given in helping you to cope with the grieving.

Just try to breathe. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. We know your pain and you can come onto this forum whenever you feel the need to express your feelings. Everything you are feeling and enduring is normal to grieving. All of us here will be here for you. (HUGS)

[Ka9219]

Sbb123, I am so sorry for your loss, I might understand what you are going through because my boyfriend died one month ago from neurological dead -brain dead- after he had a car accident. I was in the hospital the day the doctors found out about his condition. The first thing I remenber after that was me talking with my sister by phone, the next thing I recall I was in the hospital room with Mario, I was hugging him and I hear myself screaming -and crying- over and over again "I love you". 

There is not easy way to loss someone, but brain dead is one of the most shocking and tragical kind of deaths, my boyfriend was strong and young (26 years old) and I understand the pain, frustration, anger, and all the feelings.

I wish I can tell you something to bring you relieve, but there are no words. Im here for you, my heart is broken knowing that someone is going through the same thing I had to live only one month ago. Since english is not my mother tongue sometimes is hard for me explain myself, but emotions and feelings have no language, and I know and I understand how maddening this path is.

[Francine]

14 hours ago, Sb123 said:

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend passed away on 12th of April this year. We were in relationship for about 7 years. He was just 24 and I am 23. We knew each other from childhood. We used to live in the same vicinity. 

On 18th march he had a major car accident on his way to work and he had broken leg and ankle. For the first few days he was in trauma icu and i went to meet him and started crying because i couldnt see him like this. Then he was shifted to the normal ward as he was getting better. We were all so happy that he was going to be okay. I remember last time i met him in the hospital he was joking around and happy but still couldnt move his leg because he had an ankle operation. But suddenly on the night of 31st march he went into cardiac arrest and the doctors found out that he had clot in his lungs. After that they again shifted him to trauma icu as he had stopped responding. I went to meet him again with my friend and i held his hands and talked to him and begged him to open his eyes but he didnt respond to anything. After few days on 12th April the doctors declared that he was brain dead as he was not responding. That day when his brother messaged me he had passed away i fell on the ground weeping and shouting like crazy. All these months i wish to be just dead. I feel like i have lost my life too. I am in extreme depression. Although my family is with me but i feel weak. I feel mentally paralyzed for life.

thanks if you are reading this. I dont know what to even write anymore.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and the pain and anguish you must be experiencing.  Young love is so beautiful (I remember mine) but having it cut short is unimaginable.  The two of you had only just begun to live; and I know you feel cheated, robbed, and betrayed of life without him.  I know the pain you're going through; the kind that feels like your entire insides are being ripped from you; your heart stripped from your chest and cut down the middle, and the tears that somehow wont stop falling. And those moods of depression and wanting to be with your loved one.  All that is normal and while you might not be able to see where you're headed right now, I assure you, God can. 

In the short time you spent together, you appeared to have loved a life time; remember that when you're depressed and low; remember because he lived, your life was better; happier and fuller. I'm happy you have family and friends around you; they are there for a reason - for you to lean on.  Don't be afraid to express exactly how you fill; if you must, cry, then cry your eyes out; if you must scream, scream to the top of your lungs.  Just get it out and breathe.  If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.  

I am a strong believer in God and prayer.  All the emotions you are going through are no surprise to God who has purpose for your life.  While you might be struggling now, you are not your struggles.  You still are who God says you are and HE's holding your hand, breathing life into every aspect of your present and future.  HIS light is shining in the darkest corners of your mind.  HE will never leave or forsake you. HE is always with you; trust HIM, believe and let HIM lead you where you need to be.

 I do hope you continue to post. We are all on this journey in the same boat (sort to speak) with different paddles, but our captain is the person who walked on water (God Almighty). My prayer is that God gives you peace and hope; peace to heal your inner soul and hope in being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.

[KayC]

SB123,

I am so sorry.  Words are inadequate.  I do hope you'll continue to come here, it helps to read and post with those that get it.  I do remember how it felt when my husband died, he was my world, my everything, we're soulmates.  I suspect that's the way you felt too.  Not every relationship out there is like this, we've had the best, and that's very hard to lose.  Praying for you...

(((hugs)))

[Sb123]

On 7/6/2017 at 2:25 AM, Eagle-96 said:

I am so sorry you are going through this but I am glad you were able to find this forum. We are here anytime you need to talk, vent, or cry. You have probably been through quite a roller coaster of emotions like fear, anger, loneliness, regret, and despair but they are normal and to be expected. This mental paralysis is also normal. To me it felt like a fog or a numbness where I didn't really feel like doing anything productive and I didn't care about the consequences anyway. You should slowly come out of this fog but the timeframe is different for everyone. And if you don't know what to write, just say what's in your heart. You will find no judgement here. I wish you nothing but peace and comfort on this journey.

Thankyou for all your kind words. I hope it gets better but for now i am in the worst kind of mindly situation.

[Sb123]

On 7/6/2017 at 7:01 PM, KayC said:

SB123,

I am so sorry.  Words are inadequate.  I do hope you'll continue to come here, it helps to read and post with those that get it.  I do remember how it felt when my husband died, he was my world, my everything, we're soulmates.  I suspect that's the way you felt too.  Not every relationship out there is like this, we've had the best, and that's very hard to lose.  Praying for you...

(((hugs)))

Thankyou for all the hope but its hard actually very hard.

[Sb123]

On 7/6/2017 at 5:47 AM, Ka9219 said:

Sbb123, I am so sorry for your loss, I might understand what you are going through because my boyfriend died one month ago from neurological dead -brain dead- after he had a car accident. I was in the hospital the day the doctors found out about his condition. The first thing I remenber after that was me talking with my sister by phone, the next thing I recall I was in the hospital room with Mario, I was hugging him and I hear myself screaming -and crying- over and over again "I love you". 

There is not easy way to loss someone, but brain dead is one of the most shocking and tragical kind of deaths, my boyfriend was strong and young (26 years old) and I understand the pain, frustration, anger, and all the feelings.

I wish I can tell you something to bring you relieve, but there are no words. Im here for you, my heart is broken knowing that someone is going through the same thing I had to live only one month ago. Since english is not my mother tongue sometimes is hard for me explain myself, but emotions and feelings have no language, and I know and I understand how maddening this path is.

Yes i know how hard it is losing someone to brain death and whats more hard is we all saw him getting better and then suddenly saw him gone forever. I dont know how will i get through life.

[Sb123]

On 7/6/2017 at 5:21 PM, Francine said:

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and the pain and anguish you must be experiencing.  Young love is so beautiful (I remember mine) but having it cut short is unimaginable.  The two of you had only just begun to live; and I know you feel cheated, robbed, and betrayed of life without him.  I know the pain you're going through; the kind that feels like your entire insides are being ripped from you; your heart stripped from your chest and cut down the middle, and the tears that somehow wont stop falling. And those moods of depression and wanting to be with your loved one.  All that is normal and while you might not be able to see where you're headed right now, I assure you, God can. 

In the short time you spent together, you appeared to have loved a life time; remember that when you're depressed and low; remember because he lived, your life was better; happier and fuller. I'm happy you have family and friends around you; they are there for a reason - for you to lean on.  Don't be afraid to express exactly how you fill; if you must, cry, then cry your eyes out; if you must scream, scream to the top of your lungs.  Just get it out and breathe.  If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.  

I am a strong believer in God and prayer.  All the emotions you are going through are no surprise to God who has purpose for your life.  While you might be struggling now, you are not your struggles.  You still are who God says you are and HE's holding your hand, breathing life into every aspect of your present and future.  HIS light is shining in the darkest corners of your mind.  HE will never leave or forsake you. HE is always with you; trust HIM, believe and let HIM lead you where you need to be.

 I do hope you continue to post. We are all on this journey in the same boat (sort to speak) with different paddles, but our captain is the person who walked on water (God Almighty). My prayer is that God gives you peace and hope; peace to heal your inner soul and hope in being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.

Thankyou for understanding. I hope we all get through our griefs patiently.

[Sb123]

On 7/6/2017 at 4:16 AM, KMB said:

Sb123, So young to be going through this suffering of loss and your boyfriend losing his life at such a young age is extremely devastating. I am so deeply sorry. Thank goodness you have your family's support. Have you considered seeing your doctor for your depression? Please, don't let the depression go on too long because it can be destructive to your mind and body. Have you considered a grief counselor or grief support group? Advice and tools can be given in helping you to cope with the grieving.

Just try to breathe. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. We know your pain and you can come onto this forum whenever you feel the need to express your feelings. Everything you are feeling and enduring is normal to grieving. All of us here will be here for you. (HUGS)

I know its so heartbreaking to go through all this being so young. We dont know what life has for us in store. No i am not going through any grief counselling currently as i have my family and friends with me so i share and talk to them.

[Ka9219]

2 hours ago, Sb123 said:

Yes i know how hard it is losing someone to brain death and whats more hard is we all saw him getting better and then suddenly saw him gone forever. I dont know how will i get through life.

For those who have loss someone life is totally different, because we start to live one day at the time, and sometimes, is going minute by minute, thinking about my life get me anxious, I know what I am doing today, because I dont want to think I have to get to tomorrow without him.

I feel loss most of the time, I dont know what to do or what to think, his death broke me dowm into million pieces.

I can imagine the pain of saw him good and talking, Mario didnt wake up since the accident, I dont know what is worst

[Sb123]

17 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

For those who have loss someone life is totally different, because we start to live one day at the time, and sometimes, is going minute by minute, thinking about my life get me anxious, I know what I am doing today, because I dont want to think I have to get to tomorrow without him.

I feel loss most of the time, I dont know what to do or what to think, his death broke me dowm into million pieces.

I can imagine the pain of saw him good and talking, Mario didnt wake up since the accident, I dont know what is worst

I can feel you. Whenever i see his pics i go back into deep depression and keep crying. I feel like i would never be able to move on. He was all i wanted.

[KayC]

I hate the term "move on", it's not like we want to leave them behind, and as one person put it, "move on to WHAT???"  More appropriately phrased..."learn to live with the changes it's meant to my life".  And that's neither quick nor easy.  It took me years to process his death, let alone adjust to it, it comes little by little.  I remember a bible verse that says "precept by precept", it reminds me of this process, it's bit by bit.

[Ka9219]

9 hours ago, Sb123 said:

I can feel you. Whenever i see his pics i go back into deep depression and keep crying. I feel like i would never be able to move on. He was all i wanted.

I have to pictures of him in my room, sometimes I see it and feels so much peace, sometimes it breaks me down into tears and I feel I can look at it, it is hard because in the picture we were on vacations, we both had a great time and the other picture he sent it to me when he was on Mexico with his friends, a told him he was super handsome in that picture so he use it as his profile picture on Facebook. Im feeling every day more tired, more sad, depression is hitting hard, I  just want to go with him or at least end up somehow the pain and the struggle, Im lost I feel my place in the world was with him and that he is gone, I dont belong in here anymore 

[Sb123]

On 7/9/2017 at 1:10 AM, Ka9219 said:

I have to pictures of him in my room, sometimes I see it and feels so much peace, sometimes it breaks me down into tears and I feel I can look at it, it is hard because in the picture we were on vacations, we both had a great time and the other picture he sent it to me when he was on Mexico with his friends, a told him he was super handsome in that picture so he use it as his profile picture on Facebook. Im feeling every day more tired, more sad, depression is hitting hard, I  just want to go with him or at least end up somehow the pain and the struggle, Im lost I feel my place in the world was with him and that he is gone, I dont belong in here anymore 

Same here with me. Iam travelling today for a month but still feel so depressed like something major is missing. Just lost all the real happiness i used to have. I just hope we all get through our losses patiently. Hugs.

[Ka9219]

4 hours ago, Sb123 said:

Same here with me. Iam travelling today for a month but still feel so depressed like something major is missing. Just lost all the real happiness i used to have. I just hope we all get through our losses patiently. Hugs.

I was talking with a friend last night, he told me: "at least try to be happy", The only time in my life when a was truly happy was when I was with him, it is not about being happy anymore is just about survive day by day. Maybe travelling will be good for you, hope so

[KayC]

Sb123,

Your traveling for a month, is it for business or sightseeing?  I can only hope it is helpful to you.  I guess the key as you say is patience, something I was never noted for.

[Sb123]

On 7/11/2017 at 3:50 PM, Ka9219 said:

I was talking with a friend last night, he told me: "at least try to be happy", The only time in my life when a was truly happy was when I was with him, it is not about being happy anymore is just about survive day by day. Maybe travelling will be good for you, hope so

Personal travel. I dont know but the thing is iam depressed and life would never be the same as before so iam just surviving. I have no hopes no future planning and no true happiness.

[Ka9219]

3 hours ago, Sb123 said:

Personal travel. I dont know but the thing is iam depressed and life would never be the same as before so iam just surviving. I have no hopes no future planning and no true happiness.

Depression hits hard after the death of a love one. Some days I feel like empty, no pain but neither happiness, is just like growing rage. I dont want to work or study I am not motivated anymore, my dreams went away with him.

[KayC]

I think this is truly a part of grief.  I fight mild depression and loss of will...but I do fight it, I try not to let it have its way.  This is the hardest thing I've ever tackled and I'm at 12 years...don't let that scare you though, I've done these years one day at a time and one day turns into the next.  I try to make positive decisions for myself and keep going, what else can we do.  Like Darrel (olemisfit) says, "One foot in front of the other."

[KMB]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

 I fight mild depression and loss of will...but I do fight it,

I fight the same feelings on a daily basis. My new normal. I'm fighting those feelings even while posting here. I feel grateful for this forum and everyone here, in that we can express these feelings without being judged. We have very little or no control over our feelings. I mean, we can block them, distract ourselves from them, but they are always just under the surface, waiting to break free. it is a constant, exhausting battle that we take on each day and hope we can make it through the next day and the next-----

[bradley1985]

On 7/14/2017 at 11:30 AM, KMB said:

I fight the same feelings on a daily basis. My new normal. I'm fighting those feelings even while posting here. I feel grateful for this forum and everyone here, in that we can express these feelings without being judged. We have very little or no control over our feelings. I mean, we can block them, distract ourselves from them, but they are always just under the surface, waiting to break free. it is a constant, exhausting battle that we take on each day and hope we can make it through the next day and the next

Yes.  Getting through the days is getting easier for me, but towards what I dont know. I think my feelings are blocked by a lot of anger also.  But I can get up and do more things and meet more people than I have been able to in the past.  I block my feelings more now.  And I distract myself more as well.  I have a lot of school and meetings.  Not much work,  but hopefully will have some of that too.  I am almost a robot.

[bradley1985]

On 7/5/2017 at 5:33 PM, Sb123 said:

I went to meet him again with my friend and i held his hands and talked to him and begged him to open his eyes but he didnt respond to anything. After few days on 12th April the doctors declared that he was brain dead as he was not responding.

I did the same thing.  Heartbreaking.  I am very sorry this happened to you.  I just wanted her to open her eyes.  I kept thinking her brain had activity and would tell the doctors to come check,  but it did not.  

[KayC]

On 7/14/2017 at 9:30 AM, KMB said:

I mean, we can block them, distract ourselves from them, but they are always just under the surface

Yep, exactly!  That's why I call it "coexisting with my grief".  I can do other things, I can enjoy my grandbabies, my dog, time with my kids, I can appreciate a beautiful view (I love nature, we both did), but the grief is always there too, right alongside whatever I'm doing or feeling.  It's an added presence in my life.

[Eagle-96]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Yep, exactly!  That's why I call it "coexisting with my grief".  I can do other things, I can enjoy my grandbabies, my dog, time with my kids, I can appreciate a beautiful view (I love nature, we both did), but the grief is always there too, right alongside whatever I'm doing or feeling.  It's an added presence in my life.

To me it's kind of like having Mike Tyson following you around everywhere you go. He just walks around with you or sits in a chair in the corner but he's always there. You can't get him to leave no matter what you do. Every now and again he'll come rushing out of the shadows and start punching you. Sometimes its one jab and then he falls back out of view. Other times he's punching you in the head and stomach mercilessly. Blow after blow after blow. Nothing you can do to stop it. You just gotta sit there and take it. Some days you're getting hit all day long.