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What to say when people ask if you are ok

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How am I supposed to respond?  Tell them the truth about how badly I am hurting and what I think about all the time or just lie and say we are ok?

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I am so deeply sorry for your traumatic and devastating loss.  People should not ask how you are?  Its a stupid question.  You are not ok.  You're not going to be ok.  People should just show up and sit with you and try not to say anything stupid thats the best you can hope for.  You're in shock and traumatised.  You need proper support from professionals to help you through this for a long time.  I can't even imagine what it feels like to loose a child let alone suicide.  Please seek professional help from a  source that has experience.  I am very very sorry for you.

 

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Jilty   

I am with you on this. My heartfelt sympathies go out to you.

Returning to work this week  after several weeks off after my 36 years old daughter's suicide people in the most well- intentioned way kept asking the same."Are you ok?"

At first i would weakly smile and say "yes thanks" then I got so fed up of screaming inside of myself no I am not I started to say it to them. It soon stopped. People feel uncomfotable with having to deal with the reality and prefer the easier white lie I  am afraid. Do it, tell them. It might help you in that you are not lying and feeling the guilt over that as well as your grief.

 The pain of my loss is still so raw and I cannot envisage a time when it won't be. Early days I am told although that is no consolation.

No one should have to bury their child whatever the circumstances.

 

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It has been a full seven years now since my son died. I have seen many ups and downs. The reaction of people under such circumstances has mostly been distaste or withdrawal. The best response is to say that you are coping as best as you can under the circumstances. Leave it at that and wait for their response. If they drop it then change the topic. If however they offer any support then gratefully accept it. People can be so judgemental and you do not ever have to explain yourself. You have lost your child and the end result is that you are left in a state of terrible pain. HUGS to you!

 

Kate

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Jilty and anybody else I am so sorry both of you lost children to suicide. it must be very hard  for you both and cause a lot of soul searching. Sometimes a letter is left with an explanation sometimes the words are too hard to write. Often there is a mental illness or severe depression that may not have been diagnosed that affect the decision to end life. I have been there and am a survivor of a very severe suicide attempt after losing my son and suffering a mental breakdown. Most of us parents post on the thread Loss of an adult child because it is the most active and keeps us all together so your posts are answered more quickly. we have parents who lost children of all ages from babies to adults in their 30's and all work together to support each other on this lonely and devastating grief journey. Please join us there and tell us about your children and what you struggle with and we will support you both . You are not alone ok?

My eldest son Tommy was killed in aug 2015 and i still struggle on a day to day basis. If people ask me how Im doing I shrug and say good days bad days it is very difficult. That is usually enough for people to feel they have acknowledged your loss and not ignored the issue as so many others do. They usually dont ask further questions but if I feel like sharing I do. Some days I am stronger than others it depends. both of you are still in those lost scary first few months, trying to make sense of it all and dealing with police and coroners etc it is an awful time. However shock cushions you a little that first year, and it is just a case of taking it one day at a time to get through. The grief over losing a child is forever, they are your child that you birthed and took care of and you miss them every day for the rest of your life. However in time you learn coping skills to be able to keep on going and very slowly the painful memories become overtaken by happier ones and so you go on. There will always be more painful times, birthdays Xmas graduations weddings and of course the angelversary date but with love and support and professional help we all get through.

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How is this possible to  say themselves that you are okey so far? Because you are already suffering from it. For me, I didn't do that. But try to let them understand about my situation and my pain.

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