Lost my will to live together with my signicant other

[Filip]

Hey, I am a 21 soon to be 22 year old male from sweden, I will try to tell you all what has happened, I want to tell people and I think I need help. 

When I was 17, I was having a lot of emotional issues, felt like I didn't belong, did not have any friends in school, barely went there, was going through an identity crisis of sorts. At this time i registered on another forum for LGBT people. After about a week, I wrote to this person, a 19 year old from a town situated pretty close to mine. We talked for a while, we decided to meet in december of 2012, at his foster parents home. Discovered that we were very much alike, same height, interests, personality. We were both pretty introverted I guess, a little lonely. He was a classical musician, and aspired to be a teacher. He had his own Grand piano in his room, and he played some of his favorite compositions to me, and he tried to teach me some basic melodies. We spent the entire nights watching movies, talking, one of the movies I remember that we watched was a low budget version of "80 days around the world". I joked about that being our anniversary movie. 

But some things were still complicated, I was not ready to come out, things broke off between us and we didnt meet eachother. But after two years, I had matured and sorted myself out a bit. This was in december 2014 now, i was 19 and he just turned 22. But he had movies far away, he was now studying classical music at a school in the northern parts of sweden. But when we started talking again. We never stopped talking, every day from then on. I made the long train journey there, the school was beautifully situated near a big lake by the mountains. 

We decided to officially become partners there, one day almost three years ago. He surprised me soon after that, he sent me a picture of an acception letter from another school, that luckily was located where I lived, he wanted to move all the way down here to me. I even got to study at the school to, since I had some missing grades from earlier, we moved together, and for a year we went to the same school, taking the bus together. This was the best time of my life, being with him, I had no friends besides him, but that didnt bother me, i only needed him. 

People thought we were so alike they mistook us for siblings often, we lost count on how many times it happened. 

We spent so much time planning for the future, moving away, work, life in general. My boyfriend didnt live with his original parents, they were not suited for it, as they were addicts. But him and his brother were adopted by a very kind and supportive couple who became their parents. We wanted to have our own children too. We were engaged, we didnt surprise each other often, not so many romantic surprised and such. We were happy anyways. I showed him the engagement ring on the bus home from work last year. We got to work at the same place too. Never wanted to leave each other sides. I think i told him every day that i loved him and couldnt be without him by my side, he said the same to me. 

I finished school entirely on the 2th of june, he was working that day. We were finally free to move away, do what we felt like, start a new chapter in our lives. We had looked forward to this for two years. 

He told me not to worry about the two years we didnt meet, we were both young, that those two years were going to pale in comparison to our lifes together. 

We got to live together for just over 2 and a half Years. 

On sunday, june the 4th we were going to spend the entire day just resting. But at 7am he gets a call that his Co worker was sick, he was tired, i were too. He was going to have employment interviews tomorrow. I stepped in and took his shift, i regret this, now that i know this was our last day together. I came home in the after noon. He came down the stairs when i opened the door and hugged each other. He said that he had cleaned and taken care of a few arrends while i was away. I told him that that wasnt necessary, but he was energetic and happy.

i was tired that evening, but it was calm and ordinary, we listened to music and played games, i showed him a song i heard on the radio by the Singer Anastacia, called "sick and tired" and "left outside alone" they were a bit nostalgic. But very ironic titles now when i think back, that it was among the last we listened to. At 12, we turned off the lights, i was more tired than him, having gone up early, usually he was asleep before me, but now now. I remember our last conversation was over me looking at the phone in the dark in bed, and he asked me what i was looking at. It was nothing unusual, i cant even recall the last thing i spoke to him. I had no idea that would be the last time i heard and felt him alive. The next thing i remember was my sister who lived with us then running up the stairs sounding very alarmed, she had heard something. I had not, but became worried quickly, we walked about a bit, but then i saw the bathroom door was locked. I asked him how he was feeling, there was no response, i felt this feeling sink into my gut. I unlocked the door and he laid on his back, pale and unresponsive, i screamed for help and my sister ran to me, i dragged him out and we started CPR. I put my mouth against his to blow air into him, while my sister compressed his chest. When i blew blood poured out, i can still taste it, that iron like sensation, i was covered in blood, i was in panic, the ambulance was on its way but didnt know what house it was, i ran outside in the rain screaming for them to come quicker. This all happened about an hour after i last spoke to him. 

They ran inside and took us into another room away from him, there were so many of them there, my dad worked at the fire departement and they were there assisting, but he was home sick that day. I was not mentalt present, i sat with a plastic bag asking what had happened, how it was going, but they didnt answer, we spent the entire night in the emergency, his family and mine. After about an hour of trying to bring him back, a doctor came and told him he had passed away. I was in complete disbelief and shock. They had tried everything, stimulating his heart and giving him 16 shots of adrenaline. Nothing had worked. 

My wonderful boyfriend, my reason to live, my only and best friend was gone in a night without warning. He was healthy, slim, we were both healthy. When I found him he had a wound on his nose and there was some blood in the toilet. I wished he would have said something, given me some sort of sign. Apparently his lungs had been filled with blood, the sounds my sister heard was him gasping for air. I am crying writing this, i couldnt be there for him during that horrible experience, he didnt deserve this, i wish i would have disappeared along with him. I want to meet him again. I dream almost every night about waking up and telling him about this nightmare ive had, but i cant. I am stuck in it, i miss him so much. I have lost my will to live, my boyfriend who i had known for 5 years and intent on being with eachother forever. I am only 21, he was only 24 and my life is over. I dont understand anything, he brought meaning to my life, before i had none. Now i am all alone. I live at my mothers house, constantly feeling absolutely horrible and in disbelief. I try to bargain and think of situations Where i could see him again or rescue him. My mind cant process the fact that he is not here. I remember the person i was with him, a month ago, just thinking about the future, our issues were so uninportant. I sleep all the time, thanks to medicine, but i cant go on without him. I think of ending my life all the time, i miss him so much. I cant go on. I love you Niklas, why did this happen? 

My smart, ambitious, cute, loving, kind, talented boyfriend. He wrote so much music and text, poems, he loved being creative. He was so innocent, he deserved a full life, not this. I miss him

I look at the things he wrote and poems he saved up until his death.. one of the last he saved under a folder "not sorted but great poems" was one by Edgar Allan Poe, I relate to it a bit, I wish i could get him back, he had so much more to do, he was the last person you thought would die before his life even began, no bad habits at all. I cant go on like this, his funeral is this friday. We will play some of his favorite music on it. It feels so wrong, we were supposed to be enjoying summer. Now i sit here all alone, with no friends, no life worth living without him. 

Excuse my english, it is not my primary language.

The poem he had saved was "a dream within a dream"

"Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow —

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?  

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

 

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand —

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp 

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?"

 

 

 

[Artesia]

I wish I had something to say that would comfort you. There is no answer to the why. There is no way to get back the life you had or the future you expected. 

It's ok to pause. At some point you have to press play again, but the movie isn't the one you want. I guess we just have to live the life we have now.

If it is of any comfort, you are not alone in being heart broken.

Lisa x

 

[Ka9219]

Filip I am so sorry for your loss, I might understand what you are going through, I am 25 and my boyfriend was only 26, he was strong and healthy and he passed away one month ago, I know the frustation and anger after lossing someone so young in a unexpected way.

I feel like I have been "punished", it is so hard to think that a person with so much will of living is now gone. Grief is a long path, but not an endless one.

Im here for you, we all are here for you.

[KMB]

Filip, I wish I had words to ease your pain, but there are none. I am so deeply sorry for your tragic loss of Niklas. Both of you so young and blessed to have found each other, a bright future of togetherness planned and it is all shattered in the blink of an eye. I know the shock and pain so well myself. My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest. I truly don't know or remember how I got through the first weeks, the months. It will be a year for me next month and I am still lost, have brain fog issues and constant sadness and loneliness. This forum has become my family, my life line.

Please, keep coming here, read posts and share when you feel the need. We are all here for each other.  (HUGS)

[KayC]

Filip,

You are very young, and that is hard because you don't have life's lesson to give you a bigger perspective.  I've been through many hard places in my life and I think that aided me when my husband died.  Like you, it was a shock, it blindsided me, and I think that's so very hard to get through when you don't expect it.  I can tell you this, it will not stay in this intensity forever, our bodies are amazing in their ability to adjust and cope...even when we can't see it as yet, even when it doesn't feel like it.  I remember feeling as you, I didn't want to live without my George, I didn't see how I could.  I strongly encourage you to make an appointment with a grief counselor, and call a suicide hotline when you feel suicidal.  Grief does not end, but neither does it stay the same, it evolves.  In the early days I wanted to drive my car 120 mph into a tree, I'm glad I didn't.  I needed to give myself time to process his death, and it took much time, probably three years just for that.  It takes time to sink in, time for us to assimilate it.  It takes even longer to build a life for ourselves that we can live, but I am testimony that it can be done.  Keep coming here.  It helps to read and post and know that you are not alone.  All of us here have lost that special person to us.  In the beginning our brain is in grief fog, it's hard to think straight, it takes time to get clarity.  I couldn't read, couldn't focus, couldn't even watch t.v. that first year.  It's like I am not the person I was, I am a different person for this experience.

I am very sorry for your loss.  I believe wholeheartedly that we will be together again, I live with hope for that day.

[Dian]

Fillip,

I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband only five weeks ago and know the devastation you are feeling. This forum has been a light in the darkness for me as there are so many caring people always willing to give you words of encouragement /advice and letting  you know you are not alone on this horrible journey. I wish you peace and comfort. Hugs to you.