Gone

[Artesia]

I found this forum when my beloved husband was diagnosed with cancer in February. trying to prepare myself. And now I am here.

Tim is 46. He'll be 46 forever. We officially met on 18th November 2011. I knew of him for while. He'd known my brother for decades.

I was divorced with a 13 year old son. I'd been on my own for years, never managing to successfully develop a relationship. Studying to be a nurse. My brother had mentioned his mate Tim many times and how I should meet him, but I had brushed that off.. why would his mate be interested in me?

In November 2011, I agreed to go with my brother to see a band - celebrate uni holidays. Before we headed to the gig, we met up with this Tim at a local pub for a drink ( Tim liked a drink). I was introduced to this slight man in his early 40's, wearing a Placebo hoodie and a bandanna with red and yellow flames.A bit of a larrikin the Russell Crowe mould .A bit of a stubbly chin, bright blue eyes that crinkled when he smiled. Liked a drink and a smoke. He kinda looked me up and down, and we just started talking. It was just so easy. 

Later, we went to see the band. I won't deny that we were very drunk. But in the darkness, he leaned over to me and made a totally unrepeatable proposition and leaned in to kiss me. And bam! No awkward nose bumps. Just the most amazing kiss I had ever experienced. We spent that entire gig basically attached to each others face. I didn't want to leave him, but we dropped him home and took the cab on to my brother's house. About an hour later, he arrives on the doorstep. He had followed me home.

But... despite making me feel alive with possibility, there was a hitch. he had recently started talking with another woman. One who lived nearby ( I lived 3 hours away) and so, for the next five months, I watched as my Tim tried to build a relationship with someone else. It didn't work ( of course). And while my usual action would have been to cut him off and nurse my wounds, I had discovered that Tim was my benchmark. Every man I came in contact with.. I needed to be better than him. And as I discovered, that was impossible. By April 2012, we had finally got it together.

And that was it. Two hearts who had so much love to give, found their twin flame. Comfortable, passionate... it was just so easy. And not just us. Tim and my son Lox had so much in common. By December 2012 we had moved in together. He propose don 2 July 2013 and we declared ourselves a family ( ie got married) 23 October 2013.And Lox became our son. And it was so easy. No dramas, no arguments. We all seemed to fit together like the last piece of the puzzle. Life was ordinary. But we were extraordinary at it.ht, without

2017 dawned as a happy new year. We had plans for a family trip to the US. Tim was starting a course to enhance his skills and I still woke up every morning in awe that I was married to him and this was my life. But Tim had been losing a lot of weight without much effort for a couple of months. And he was tired. Well, he'd cut down on the beer, was eating better and walking more. And isn't everyone tired? He was also very sweaty, but January was a hot summer in Sydney and we don't have air conditioning. had a blood test, nothing unusual.Then he had a coughing fit and his right arm felt weak and tingly. A bit of a worry. But let's give it a week. Next Saturday, out at cricket and he can't bowl. Well we can't interfere with cricket! So off to the doctors. Scan.. I mean mid forties, smoker, maybe a little stroke? I wish.

Brain mets. More scans. Cancer on the kidney, liver and in the lungs.The world started to implode on 13 February 2017. Brain surgery, radiation, targeted drugs.... a bout of pneumonia. Different drugs. From that day in February, Tim lost more of his Tim-ness. No cricket. No work, no course, no trip, no more beer, no more appetite, no independence, no more Tim. At 6.15pm on Sunday 2nd July 2017, my adored husband took his last breath in a body that had literally been engulfed by cancer. 25 weeks. 5 months. From living to dying. 

We didn't get enough time. But no time would have been enough. I am broken. I don't know how to do this and I have no choice but to do it. I hated what the cancer did to him but I hate losing him too. I just hurt.

There was nothing left unsaid, except all the things I'll never be able to say to him. I have to say goodbye to him on Thursday. I know I will survive. I promised him I would be here to look after Lox. But I don't think I can ever heal. Some things can't be fixed. 

He was loved by so many, but they all have someone to hold them to make them feel better. I want is to be in his arms. I just love him.

I know this is a long post, but I needed to say it. And even though I knew this would not end well. And even though I had a chance to say goodbye. Watching him die was horrible. Quick, but cruel. I hope he is somewhere watching and waiting. If there is a god, I hate him. No afterlife is worth this.

 

Lisa 

 

 

 

[JenC]

Lisa I am so sorry you have to go through this.  It is so hard.  My husband Matthew passed away unexpectedly on April 22, just over 10 weeks ago.  We have an 11 year old son and a 15 year old daughter.  I can't say it has gotten any easier yet but it helps to come here and share my thoughts and feelings with others that get it.  As much as our family and friends want to help and try to understand this, it is a pain that no one can unless they have gone through it.  Just keep focusing on one day at a time and when even that seems too much go for one hour or one minute at a time.  

[Artesia]

Everyone tells me it will get easier, but I can't see how. I am trying not to think ahead. There is no point - it's just a black, endless pit of sadness.

I know everyone is sad about his passing. But they get to go home and hold their husband. I can never do that again.

I have my son and I adore him. Until Tim, Lox was the focus of my life. But we can't go back to that. he is 19 now. And he needs to have his life. And if I am honest, after experiencing life with both of them, it's not enough to just have the one.

Friday is the first big hurdle. When everyone has said their goodbye and life goes on as normal. For everyone but me.

Thank you for responding Jen. Your loss is fresh too. This just sucks.

[KayC]

Lisa,

I am so sorry...I lost my husband right after he turned 51.  We'd known each other 6 1/2 years, been married only 3 years 8 months.  All too short.  We were soulmates, best friends, we clicked from the very beginning, communication was great, we adored each other.  How do you go on from that?  One day at a time.  In the early days it may have to break down to one hour or one minute at a time.  Keep coming here, reading, writing, it helps to know you're understood.

The intensity will fade eventually and we adjust and hone our coping skills, but the missing them continues.  

At two days out it's got to be hard to assimilate anything, so I won't try to tell you much more right now, there'll be time enough for that.  Just know that we are here with you and you won't have to go this journey alone.  (((hugs)))

[Artesia]

Thank you Kay. I needed to write our story somewhere. Before it becomes unimportant.

[KMB]

Lisa,  Yours and Tim's love story will NEVER become unimportant or forgotten! I am deeply sorry for your tragic loss. The legacy of love and memories you will always carry with you. Tim's family and friends will carry the legacy as well. Tim chose you to spend the rest of his years with. Such a loving blessing to keep in your heart.

We are all here for you, we know your pain. We share our stories, share our pain, encourage each other and try to give advice, suggestions when needed or asked. The suffering we endure with losing our soulmate is the toughest trial of our lives. We will all be here to help you along. (HUGS)

[KayC]

KMB took the words right out of my mouth.  It will NEVER become unimportant!  Your story will be indelibly etched in you.  I appreciate your sharing with us.  I think it's important for us to express ourselves.  I felt my power was stripped from me the day George died, after all, no one asked ME if I wanted this!  It helped restore some of that power by my telling my story.