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HHFaith

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Well the fireworks just started. I can hear them loud and clear. I live on the harbor and my neighbors have a big party on the pier to watch the fireworks, practically right outside my door. I can hear the music and the kids laughing   I am in the house, reading the grief forum. I just don't feel like socializing at all. I don't have it in me to put on the happy face and make small talk. A year ago Pat and I were watching the fireworks together.  4th of July will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. 

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1 hour ago, HHFaith said:

Well the fireworks just started. I can hear them loud and clear. I live on the harbor and my neighbors have a big party on the pier to watch the fireworks, practically right outside my door. I can hear the music and the kids laughing   I am in the house, reading the grief forum. I just don't feel like socializing at all. I don't have it in me to put on the happy face and make small talk. A year ago Pat and I were watching the fireworks together.  4th of July will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. 

I'm there with you, in spirit anyway, yes? We can commiserate together, think of days gone by, the world before. Swap stories that make us smile and laugh, tales that bring tears and bittersweet memories. Those fireworks are a nuisance to me now. My Tracie passed on New Year's Eve, the fireworks played the score to my darkest moment. I try to think of them as celebratory, set off in her honor, but I can't quite convince myself. Ahh, HHFaith, what sad days we live, a party, just on the other side of your door, but I imagine it could be a million miles away. Parties and things festive are things that belonged to that other age. 

I'm going to think of you and pray for you and wish us both a better tomorrow. You deserve that. This pain and suffering shouldn't be your lot. I'd hug you and ask you to stand by the sea and watch the fireworks with me as they reflect off the water. I'd try real hard to not let you see me cry, because I'm a guy and you know, that can't be good for my reputation. :-)

You aren't alone. Be brave my dear friend. Love and peace,

Andy

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bradley1985
7 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Well the fireworks just started. I can hear them loud and clear. I live on the harbor and my neighbors have a big party on the pier to watch the fireworks, practically right outside my door. I can hear the music and the kids laughing   I am in the house, reading the grief forum. I just don't feel like socializing at all. I don't have it in me to put on the happy face and make small talk.

Today is the 4th and my birthday is in 2 days.  I dont have her to celebrate with.  And for that matter I dont have anyone to celebrate with but thats not so relevant as I dont want to celebrate either of them with anyone.  I want to die, not celebrate.  I dont know how we go on.  I dont see how I can just keep going and going.  There is no end to this it seems.  To remember what I had and didnt even fully realize that I had the best life in the world.  Looking back I see I had everything because I had someone who wanted to be with me on July 4 and my birthday and celebrate with me.  Someone who would make special days special.  Now nothing is special.  Now, I feel like a meaningless fly.  Just another faceless, useless blob of flesh that nobody knows.  

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8 hours ago, Andy said:

I'd hug you and ask you to stand by the sea and watch the fireworks with me as they reflect off the water.

As I laid in bed last night with my box of Kleenex and my "devil cat", I realized I could actually see those darn fireworks right out the window!  I couldn't escape them last night. 

I wish I could have had my own party and invited you all. We could talk, cry (yes Andy, cry your heart out!), or just be silent, whatever we needed to do. We could know we were not alone; we do have each other to help us through this.  And we are helping each other  and we are getting "through" this together  

 

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3 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Looking back I see I had everything because I had someone who wanted to be with me on July 4 and my birthday and celebrate with me.  

Yes, they made the special days extra special and the regular, routine days special. We're all so blessed to have had someone in our lives to make us feel that way. 

I wish I could invite you all to another party to celebrate Bradleys birthday. No fireworks this time but good company, lots of support, hugs, and of course cake and ice cream!!

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1 hour ago, HHFaith said:

Yes, they made the special days extra special and the regular, routine days special. We're all so blessed to have had someone in our lives to make us feel that way. 

I wish I could invite you all to another party to celebrate Bradleys birthday. No fireworks this time but good company, lots of support, hugs, and of course cake and ice cream!!

And tissue of course. In case anyone may cry or something. 

:-)

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4 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Today is the 4th and my birthday is in 2 days.  I dont have her to celebrate with.  And for that matter I dont have anyone to celebrate with but thats not so relevant as I dont want to celebrate either of them with anyone.  I want to die, not celebrate.  I dont know how we go on.  I dont see how I can just keep going and going.  There is no end to this it seems.  To remember what I had and didnt even fully realize that I had the best life in the world.  Looking back I see I had everything because I had someone who wanted to be with me on July 4 and my birthday and celebrate with me.  Someone who would make special days special.  Now nothing is special.  Now, I feel like a meaningless fly.  Just another faceless, useless blob of flesh that nobody knows.  

I'm truly moved by the anguish you're suffering, I wish you the best and pray for your peace. Life "feels" empty and pointless, and it's your (our) reality that's suffered this tragic loss, so it's how we view everything. Before you ever met your beloved, life wasn't like it is now, it had hope and promise, it was wonderous and full of possibilities. You also had friends and family perhaps that you felt at ease with, people with whom you spent time with and enjoyed those moments. That still exists, it's our relative perception that clouds everything. You are not a "fly" or a random gathering of atoms with no greater purpose than eating and sleeping. Not everyone is cold and heartless, I imagine that you still have people in your life who are worth the time and effort to engage and possibly even share this pain with. That's one of the most tragic aspects of this loss we've all been party to, it's how it changes our outlook and our nature. The very things that allowed us to fall in love, to accept love and share our lives with another, are the things that change most profoundly. We see the world as dark and cruel, meaningless and without purpose, but it really isn't any different then before we lost what we lost. My point is that remembering who we are, who we were, is hard to do when the love of our life has slipped away from us. I will never stop loving or feeling the loss of my wife, never, and I'll have bad days and weeks, but life is worth living, if only to validate the faith and trust our loved ones put into us. Proving that we were worth the time and effort, that we will take the love and joy they gave us and use it to bolster ourselves, to move forward knowing that there are things in life worth living for. As impossible as that sounds, and believe me, their are times where I scarcely believe a word of it, it is true. The difficult part is allowing ourselves to live again, to pass along those wonderful influences we were blessed with. It's not a betrayal to live, it's an affirmation of love to live. Nothing good or easy about this, I'm living proof that for every two steps forward I sometimes go back three, but I fight on because I choose my wife's love as the defining guide in my life, not the sorrow of her passing. 

Thinking of you, my friend, strength and comfort,

Andy

 

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3 hours ago, HHFaith said:

As I laid in bed last night with my box of Kleenex and my "devil cat"

This brought me a smile...the mention of your "devil cat", I have one too!  

I'm sorry this day is so hard for all of us, holidays are.  At least those in other countries aren't dealing with "Independence Day July 4", but they have their own days that are equally hard.  And to see our country in such a state isn't helping. 

I'm alone again today.  I don't drive at night so can't go see the fireworks, ever again.  I wanted to see my kids but can't.  I am having to wait three months to see my grandchildren, which seems unbearably torturous.  Days like today can feel depressing, so I will try to make my best of it, although it does seem a day like every other.  I'll try to focus on the meaning of today, even though we seem to have lost much of it.  

Thinking of all of you today and saying a prayer for each of you.

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Today is 3 months since my Lily's passing. I'm visiting family and they want to celebrate the holiday. How am I supposed to be or even pretend to be happy on this day. All I think about is her and how unfair all this is to me but mostly to her. How I wish this was all a terrible nightmare I could wake up from.

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1 hour ago, Lulu said:

Today is 3 months since my Lily's passing. I'm visiting family and they want to celebrate the holiday. How am I supposed to be or even pretend to be happy on this day. All I think about is her and how unfair all this is to me but mostly to her. How I wish this was all a terrible nightmare I could wake up from.

A nightmare we all wish we'd wake from, to find it was just a dream. Celebrations seem so obscene now, but it's just how we perceive things. We see no reason to celebrate anything, it's as if this singular loss has erased our appreciation for all things. It's a loss of all things, not just our loved one. Lulu, things will begin to ease. Not go away or become painless, but as acceptance and time begins to evolve, you will find yourself feeling a bit more "solid" in the days and months ahead. Just hang on to who you are, don't forget what made you the person that Lily found so wonderful. 

Strength and hugs,

Andy

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18 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Well the fireworks just started. I can hear them loud and clear. I live on the harbor and my neighbors have a big party on the pier to watch the fireworks, practically right outside my door. I can hear the music and the kids laughing   I am in the house, reading the grief forum. I just don't feel like socializing at all. I don't have it in me to put on the happy face and make small talk. A year ago Pat and I were watching the fireworks together.  4th of July will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. 

I feel you - this holiday is a double whammy for me - my Charles and I would always celebrate it together and take it into my birthday, which is the following day (July 5),  What a difference a year makes -  this time last year, not only were we celebrating the holiday but making plans for my birthday.  Now I don't look forward to anything anymore; holidays and birthday just don't have meaning for me without my Charles - they're just days on a calendar.  While I did go to a family cookout this pass weekend, I was there in body only.  It was something Charles and I did together - now I'm doing things solo and solonely.   I feel as if I'm falling deeper and deeper into a sad, dark place that never ends and I can't seem to pull myself up and out of it.  I've read that inside of a black hole, time stops altogether.  Whether or not this theory will ever be proved, I like to believe this would be the perfect place to love my Charles. 

Never thought I'd be going to a cemetery on my *senior* birthday but that's where I plan to be tomorrow morning.  The kids wants to do something and I don't want to spoil their plans - but we'll see how the day goes and take it from there. Whatever are plans are, I know my Charles will be with us in spirit - he just has to be.

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Francine, I do want to wish you a "happy" birthday for tomorrow. What a concept...a happy birthday. My birthday is September and Pats is October so I have not experienced those milestones alone yet. I don't look forward to either of those days at all. I truly hope we can all have a Happy Birthday again. Maybe not tomorrow but someday. I hope you can find some joy in the day, your day. And of course your Charles will be right there with you!!

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HHFaith,

Thanks,  I really appreciate your post - talk about wanting this day to be over is an understatement.  Like you stated - what a concept.  I don't have *happy* things anymore.  It's a word I can no longer relate to; a word that no longer applies to me; a no meaning word -  and that's OK, I'm living with it.  I was looking forward to my *senior* birthday, a milestone in my life and with anticipation of celebrating it together with my *senior* guy :lol: but now, all that is gone - it's just another mundane day,  If I could, I'd sleep straight through it, but my children have made plans and God knows I don't want to be their bubble buster.  What I think I'll do this morning is hit the gym. To clear my head, perhaps, but never my heart, because that's where my Charles is and will always stay.

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47 minutes ago, Francine said:

HHFaith,

Thanks,  I really appreciate your post - talk about wanting this day to be over is an understatement.  Like you stated - what a concept.  I don't have *happy* things anymore.  It's a word I can no longer relate to; a word that no longer applies to me; a no meaning word -  and that's OK, I'm living with it.  I was looking forward to my *senior* birthday, a milestone in my life and with anticipation of celebrating it together with my *senior* guy :lol: but now, all that is gone - it's just another mundane day,  If I could, I'd sleep straight through it, but my children have made plans and God knows I don't want to be their bubble buster.  What I think I'll do this morning is hit the gym. To clear my head, perhaps, but never my heart, because that's where my Charles is and will always stay.

I know it's gonna be tough but I hope that you can have a birthday that can be as happy as it can be in the state we are in. You're right, happy is a pretty foreign concept. My cousin who lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago says that she hopes for things that come close to joy in her life. I guess coming close to these positive concepts are what we really hope for these days. Nonetheless, I wish you something that approaches happiness. I'll be praying for you today.

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Happy Birthday, Francine!  What is a Senior birthday?  Just wondering, I'm sure I've already hit it.

 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Happy Birthday, Francine!  What is a Senior birthday?  Just wondering, I'm sure I've already hit it.

 

Thanks KayC.  A *senior* birthday is when the government labels you a senior citizen (65 years).  :D

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I wish you something that approaches happiness. I'll be praying for you today.

Thanks! I really appreciate it - prayer is what I really need now; thank you for yours.

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Francine, Wishing you an *alright* Senior Birthday! My prayers and thoughts are with you as always. We don't like the word, *happy,* since it doesn't apply to our current state of mind, so I was trying for another word to insert. Whatever your children have planned for you, I hope it goes well and maybe Charles will send you a special sign for today. (HUGS)

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6 hours ago, KMB said:

Francine, Wishing you an *alright* Senior Birthday! My prayers and thoughts are with you as always. We don't like the word, *happy,* since it doesn't apply to our current state of mind, so I was trying for another word to insert. Whatever your children have planned for you, I hope it goes well and maybe Charles will send you a special sign for today. (HUGS)

Thanks Kathy, 

Went to the cemetery and had somewhat of a meltdown, but lucky my son was with me and was my staff to support me.  Without my Charles beside me to celebrate my *senior* day held no meaning for me - nothing does anymore.  Dinner with the kids and grandkids went well and I was able to wear my mask (you know the one you wear when you want to hide the tears from the world while the real you is dying inside of a slow agonizing death).  And I was able to fool them for a while anyway.  I'm glad this day is coming to an end; not a good day at all :(.   Perhaps Charles will send me that *special* sign after all;  all I can do is hope - the day is not over yet.   Thanks for trying to lift my spirits, keep the prayers coming my way - they are all I've got left.

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bradley1985
On 7/4/2017 at 8:55 AM, Andy said:

Before you ever met your beloved, life wasn't like it is now, it had hope and promise, it was wonderous and full of possibilities. You also had friends and family perhaps that you felt at ease with, people with whom you spent time with and enjoyed those moments. That still exists, it's our relative perception that clouds everything. You are not a "fly" or a random gathering of atoms with no greater purpose than eating and sleeping. Not everyone is cold and heartless, I imagine that you still have people in your life who are worth the time and effort to engage and possibly even share this pain with. That's one of the most tragic aspects of this loss we've all been party to, it's how it changes our outlook and our nature. The very things that allowed us to fall in love, to accept love and share our lives with another, are the things that change most profoundly. We see the world as dark and cruel, meaningless and without purpose, but it really isn't any different then before we lost what we lost.

Andy,  thank you for the well thought out statement.  You are correct that life had hope and promise before I met Nicole.  But it really wasnt all that great.  I drank to much and didnt really have very many close friends.  But it did have promise.  That promise was fulfilled when I fell in love my wife.  I had never been in love and had never been with someone I wanted to be with contantly.  My wife was someone I never thought about leaving and that kept my attention and focus on her.  She was basically my goal in life and I didnt even know it until I was "in it". 

There are definitely people in my life "worth" spending time with and worth engaging.  But at the moment it is hard for me engage and spend time with people who have not gone through a similar loss.  I really cant engage my friends and have a conversation about what their family is planning and what they are doing with their life when my family was just wiped off of the face of the earth.  Its difficult.  My son asks how its going and tries to make conversation regarding what I am enjoying or not enjoying, etc.  So does the rest of the family.  But what they, and what really nobody gets, as Francine says above, there is no such thing as a "happy" or enjoyable anything.   Today is my birthday.  Tuesday is my wedding anniversary.  Nothing is going to be happy or enjoyable this week.  Yet when I talk to anyone other than people who have experienced a loss they only want to hear whats getting better or what kind of fun I am having doing this or that.  

On 7/4/2017 at 8:55 AM, Andy said:

The difficult part is allowing ourselves to live again, to pass along those wonderful influences we were blessed with. It's not a betrayal to live, it's an affirmation of love to live.

I believe your statment is technically 100% correct, however, "difficult" is an understatement for me right now.  I dont feel it and I dont know how to do it.  Its beyond my reach.   

 

22 hours ago, Francine said:

I don't have *happy* things anymore.  It's a word I can no longer relate to; a word that no longer applies to me; a no meaning word -  and that's OK, I'm living with it.  I was looking forward to my *senior* birthday, a milestone in my life and with anticipation of celebrating it together with my *senior* guy :lol: but now, all that is gone - it's just another mundane day,  If I could, I'd sleep straight through it, but my children have made plans and God knows I don't want to be their bubble buster.

Ditto.  Today is my birthday.  Tuesday is my wedding my anniversary.  If I could sleep through the next 5 days I would.  This birthday I qualify for a retirement visa in Thailand.  This was something Nicole and I would be getting together.  Now I am getting it alone.  Nothing to celebrate here.  Next Tuesday is our wedding anniversary so definitely nothing to celebrate over the weekend.  I have no one depending on me and no children or family here to "celebrate" with and frankly thats ok.  Because there is nothing to celebrate.  Nothing at all. 

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Sometimes acknowledging that possibilities exist is enough. Sometimes, it has to be enough. Saturday would've been my wife's 43rd birthday. Next Tuesday was to be our 25th wedding anniversary. My God how I miss her. The only thing that sustains me today is that once I get past this next week, I may breathe again. I'll go on. I can't tell you why or how, but, I will. 

You won't be far from my thoughts Bradley, hoping for clarity and peace.

Andy 

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2 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Ditto.  Today is my birthday.  Tuesday is my wedding my anniversary.  If I could sleep through the next 5 days I would.  This birthday I qualify for a retirement visa in Thailand.  This was something Nicole and I would be getting together.  Now I am getting it alone.  Nothing to celebrate here.  Next Tuesday is our wedding anniversary so definitely nothing to celebrate over the weekend.  I have no one depending on me and no children or family here to "celebrate" with and frankly thats ok.  Because there is nothing to celebrate.  Nothing at all. 

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with these milestones this week Bradley. It's the mile markers and so called holidays that feel so lonely. The things we looked forward to in our old lives seem so meaningless and trivial without our spouses there to share in the joy we once knew. It's like an added reminder of our sadness heaped upon an already overloaded pile. I'll be thinking about you today and I pray that you can find some comfort and something approaching happiness on a difficult day today and next Tuesday.

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Bradley, I am acknowledging your Birthday today. I didn't want to say the obvious word since none of us feel that emotion on any day much less our birthdays. Without our loved ones, time, special calendar days, in a manner of speaking, has ceased to exist for us. I hope your day goes well and maybe just try to do something nice for yourself today. Even if it is just stopping somewhere for an ice cream cone. You are a worthy person, treat yourself kindly on your special day.  (HUGS)

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2 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Today is my birthday.  Tuesday is my wedding my anniversary.  If I could sleep through the next 5 days I would.  This birthday I qualify for a retirement visa in Thailand.  This was something Nicole and I would be getting together.  Now I am getting it alone.  Nothing to celebrate here.  Next Tuesday is our wedding anniversary so definitely nothing to celebrate over the weekend.  I have no one depending on me and no children or family here to "celebrate" with and frankly thats ok.  Because there is nothing to celebrate.  Nothing at all. 

Here's to your birthday. I hope it goes well - but then you have to turn around and go through a wedding anniversary - double whammy. I feel for you and I feel you - nothing good about celebrating without your Nicole.  What would she have done for you?  She certainly wouldn't have wanted you to be so *down* especially on your B-day.  My prayer is that you remember the *good* birthdays and anniversaries with Nicole and hope you find peace; I have a sneaky suspension that while Nicole's body can't be with you to celebrate your day, her spirit certainly is.  You're in my prayers and thoughts today.

 

2 hours ago, Andy said:

Sometimes acknowledging that possibilities exist is enough. Sometimes, it has to be enough. Saturday would've been my wife's 43rd birthday. Next Tuesday was to be our 25th wedding anniversary. My God how I miss her. The only thing that sustains me today is that once I get past this next week, I may breathe again. I'll go on. I can't tell you why or how, but, I will. 

I know you will and I'm glad to hear you say that.  As hard as it is for us here, our loved one doesn't want us to live the rest of our lives in a state of pain, hurt, and loneliness.  I truly believe and feel they have never left us; they are still here, but in a different form; a form our earthly eyes can't see nor our earthly ears can hear.  You will get past this week, this month and this year - it will be difficult - but your Christine will be right by your side. You know you're in my prayers and thoughts. Stay strong Andy, we all need your comforting words and inspiration that only you can give.

 

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On 7/5/2017 at 8:37 AM, Francine said:

A *senior* birthday is when the government labels you a senior citizen (65 years).  :D

Ahh, my Medicare birthday!  Coming up, in October.  So you and I are very close in age.  

Bradley, I wish you Happy Birthday anyway.  I know, not happy like it was before, but I hope there's something good in your day anyway.

You all have some hard dates coming up, anniversaries...wife's birthday, it's hard to get through.  You're in my thoughts.

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I am also thinking of you all on your birthdays and anniversaries. They are so difficult. But I like KMBs suggestion of doing even one little thing like getting an ice cream cone. It might just bring one moment of....I can't think of an appropriate word!  Well I think you all know what I'm trying to say. Maybe just a moment of distraction from the grief. If we start with the little things, hopefully we can slowly work our way back to some "happiness". 

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9 hours ago, Francine said:

Here's to your birthday. I hope it goes well - but then you have to turn around and go through a wedding anniversary - double whammy. I feel for you and I feel you - nothing good about celebrating without your Nicole.  What would she have done for you?  She certainly wouldn't have wanted you to be so *down* especially on your B-day.  My prayer is that you remember the *good* birthdays and anniversaries with Nicole and hope you find peace; I have a sneaky suspension that while Nicole's body can't be with you to celebrate your day, her spirit certainly is.  You're in my prayers and thoughts today.

 

I know you will and I'm glad to hear you say that.  As hard as it is for us here, our loved one doesn't want us to live the rest of our lives in a state of pain, hurt, and loneliness.  I truly believe and feel they have never left us; they are still here, but in a different form; a form our earthly eyes can't see nor our earthly ears can hear.  You will get past this week, this month and this year - it will be difficult - but your Christine will be right by your side. You know you're in my prayers and thoughts. Stay strong Andy, we all need your comforting words and inspiration that only you can give.

 

Thank you Francine, these days that have intimate and personal significance are far more difficult to navigate than the more general, "I bet there'll be a good sale going on" kind of day. That's how it effects me, obviously any and all days can have a deeper meaning. I'll never experience or perceive New Year's the same again, but these next few days will be especially tough. My daughter is going to have a rough time, so I'm hoping the change in scenery will be enough of a counter balance to the grief that she'll undoubtedly be struggling with. 

Last night was a bad one, thinking about Tracie and what she'll miss and what I'm going to do without her, a lot of emotions came pouring out. My daughter needs me to be more than a zombie, I need me to be more than that, I must find a way to allow the vibrancy of life to once again be present. I honestly don't know how I'll do this. It doesn't matter, as long as I keep at it. I cry, I miss her, I sit and think about how empty everything feels now, I wonder at the cruel irony of my wife's passing, and I despair at all of my so called friends who've been less than supportive, but I get up. There isn't a reasonable choice for me. Quitting doesn't work, so, onward I go. My wife is with me, I beg of her for strength, guidance, a sign that I'm on the right path. I don't know if I've gotten any, but I know I haven't got any "stop" signs, so I figure I'm doing ok for now.

When I decided that I wanted to marry her, even in the 19 year old mind that I clumsily wielded so many years ago, I knew that I would love and hold her forever. It was that clear to me and 27 years later, that never changed. I can't take my wife out to dinner, I can't take her away on a second honeymoon, I can't bring her flowers and chocolate, so how do I show her that I, still and will always, love her? Wrong or right, I think by finding my smile again, my laughter, the things she loved, if I find those things, along with happiness and joy, then I will have proven that she inspired me. She gave me hope and confidence, she had faith in me, she believed in me, all because she loved this poor, directionless, boy who needed a haircut and a patient hand. I will show my daughter that while this loss is terrible, life altering, and without doubt, created a permanent sadness in my heart and soul, her moms influence, her examples of grace and perseverance will not have been in vain. I will live, I will be happy again. Not happy without her, but happy because of her. I owe her no less. 

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bradley1985
15 hours ago, Andy said:

Sometimes acknowledging that possibilities exist is enough. Sometimes, it has to be enough. Saturday would've been my wife's 43rd birthday. Next Tuesday was to be our 25th wedding anniversary. My God how I miss her. The only thing that sustains me today is that once I get past this next week, I may breathe again. I'll go on. I can't tell you why or how, but, I will.

Andy,  I see you have the same anniversay date as me.  You will be in my thoughts that day.  I willl know I am not alone on that day and I hope you realize you are not alone on that day either.  I dont exactly know your feelings of yearning and lonnging but I believe I have a general idea.  The morning of my birthday I woke from a dream (nightmare) of desperately trying to call her on the phone and trying to get ahold of her.  But when I woke up I didnt wake up, if that makes any sense.  I continued to believe she was alive and frantically searched for my phone for a few seconds while awake before realizing the awful truth again.  It just hurts so much.

Today, the day after my birthday, seems better by a mile. I am sure everyone here understands better does not mean "good".   Yesterday I could hardly breathe and wanted to die and today I think I can survive.  She would have been here if she could have.  I think what makes this experience worse is there is nothing I can do about it.  The finality of it all coming at me day after day and knowing there is no solution except acceptance which I am unable to do at this time.  

 

13 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

It's like an added reminder of our sadness heaped upon an already overloaded pile. I'll be thinking about you today and I pray that you can find some comfort and something approaching happiness on a difficult day today and next Tuesday.

Thanks Eagle,  I believe its not only mental but that our body holds in emotion as well and that even if I didnt know it was my birthday I would have had a break down.  Thanks for the words of comfort.  

 

13 hours ago, KMB said:

Without our loved ones, time, special calendar days, in a manner of speaking, has ceased to exist for us. I hope your day goes well and maybe just try to do something nice for yourself today. Even if it is just stopping somewhere for an ice cream cone. You are a worthy person, treat yourself kindly on your special day.

I did eat some chocolate brownies, and I dont eat sweets really.  I also took some brownies to my grief meeting and shared what I missed most about my birthday.  Which was going with my wife out to eat and getting a small surprise from her, even if it was jsut a birthday card that said she loved me.  All and all yesterday was one of the worst days of my life but I made it through, again.  

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Bradley, You DID make it through the day. At the time, we don't see how we possibly can, but, we do. Your thoughtfulness in sharing brownies at the grief meeting was something that Nicole would have done. By doing so, you were sharing her love and goodness. She was with you in spirit yesterday.  (HUGS)

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15 hours ago, Andy said:

how do I show her that I, still and will always, love her?

She is on your mind all the time.  You continue doing your best, you are their for your daughter...she knows you still and will always love her.  She knows YOU.  I'm sorry these special days are so hard, I don't know of a way for them to be easier.  They are such sharp reminders of what we are missing.

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16 hours ago, Andy said:

I will show my daughter that while this loss is terrible, life altering, and without doubt, created a permanent sadness in my heart and soul, her moms influence, her examples of grace and perseverance will not have been in vain.

You are showing her that when we have those really hard places in life, we don't give up.  We persevere through it.  You are setting an example for your daughter, teaching her how to handle those hard places which come to us in our lives.

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11 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

I also took some brownies to my grief meeting and shared what I missed most about my birthday.  Which was going with my wife out to eat and getting a small surprise from her, even if it was jsut a birthday card that said she loved me.  All and all yesterday was one of the worst days of my life but I made it through, again.  

Sorry, I'm not good at the multi-quote thing.

You thought of others on your day, reached out in the middle of your own pain, and that is one of the secrets of surviving this.  It's getting out of ourselves, making others a focus, it helps.  My heart swelled as I read this.

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Bradley, we are indeed in the same boat. I don't know either how I'll live the rest of my days, but for me, at this moment, it's not important. What matters is that I keep my eyes and my heart open. I long for my wife, I'm broken just thinking of what SHE will miss out on. There are things that are going on in mine and my daughters life that more than magnify my wife's absence, and her patient and compassionate hand is needed now more than ever. 

I'd like to mention something to you and everyone. When I propose reasons to go on, reason that I use to motivate me or inspire me to keep going, I never mean to imply that this is significant for anyone else nor have I ever suggested that this is in any way easy. I'm relating my personal epiphanies and "truths" as merely efforts to encourage. My greatest hope would be for anyone to find something of value in my experiences, anything to inspire one to go on another day, not turning away from life. This is the most painful experience of my life, the most difficult and certainly the most frightening. IF I can do anything at all to lessen that for anyone else, then I will attempt to do so. All my efforts are in good faith, aimed at helping or at least suggesting that hope does exist. I would never presume anyone should take anything I say as "gospel". I'm just as broken and tormented as anyone else, but it doesn't mean I can't help along the way. Perhaps the only thing worse than our collective experiences is going it alone. I don't want anyone to feel like they are alone, if, in any way I can help it. 

Andy

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

You are showing her that when we have those really hard places in life, we don't give up.  We persevere through it.  You are setting an example for your daughter, teaching her how to handle those hard places which come to us in our lives.

Not giving up is the best I can do most days. That's both an emotional decision and an action. That doesn't mean waking up with a smile and a "go get them" attitude, far from it. It simply means deciding, that today, I will get up, I will do what needs doing, and I'll be open to anything positive that might cross my path. Some days are much, much harder than others, but that really is a part of our world now. 

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47 minutes ago, Andy said:

My greatest hope would be for anyone to find something of value in my experiences, anything to inspire one to going another day, not turning away from life. This is the most painful experience of my life, the most difficult and certainly the most frightening. IF I can do anything at all to lessen that for anyone else, then I will attempt to do so. All my efforts are in good faith, aimed at helping or at least suggesting that hope does exist. I would never presume anyone should take anything I say as "gospel". I'm just as broken and tormented as anyone else, but it doesn't mean I can't help along the way. Perhaps the only thing worse than our collective experiences is going it alone. I don't want anyone to feel alone if I can help it.

Andy,

That is the true essence of empathy(as opposed to sympathy). Unfortunately, we have the knowledge of this horrible existence because we are enduring the loss of a spouse. We know the depths of pain and despair and, in so knowing, we want to do whatever we can to assuage the pain that others experiencing this pain feel. Before the tragedies in our lives we could feel for those that lost. Now we can feel with those that have lost. This affords us a great tool to be able to help those in this pain. This life sucks and is, all in all, a terrible existence. But, like you, I intend to use this tool to help as much and as many as I can.

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

This is the most painful experience of my life, the most difficult and certainly the most frightening. IF I can do anything at all to lessen that for anyone else, then I will attempt to do so

 

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Andy,

That is the true essence of empathy(as opposed to sympathy). Unfortunately, we have the knowledge of this horrible existence because we are enduring the loss of a spouse. We know the depths of pain and despair and, in so knowing, we want to do whatever we can to assuage the pain that others experiencing this pain feel. Before the tragedies in our lives we could feel for those that lost. Now we can feel with those that have lost. This affords us a great tool to be able to help those in this pain. This life sucks and is, all in all, a terrible existence. But, like you, I intend to use this tool to help as much and as many as I can.

What I tried to quote from you both didn't come out right, sorry guys! You both are so right. By helping others in lessening their pain of loss, we are also helping ourselves with our own pain. I feel it is in by being there for others, getting out of our own minds for a bit, evolution through this grieving is how we learn to appreciate our existence and grow to our full potential. I feel that is God's plan for us as individuals. Tough lessons to learn through loss but I guess God has faith in our inner strength and courage.

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On 7/6/2017 at 10:56 AM, KayC said:

Ahh, my Medicare birthday! 

I like that too!  :D

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Ok all you "devil cat" lovers (Autocharge, KayC). Mine did it again. Bit my arm again tonight. Drew blood, even through a thick robe. I'm hoping I don't have to go to the doctors again for another cat bite!  At least I got the tetanus shot last time. Like I just said in another post, we are in hell. When he bit me I just burst out crying and haven't stopped!!

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

 

What I tried to quote from you both didn't come out right, sorry guys! You both are so right. By helping others in lessening their pain of loss, we are also helping ourselves with our own pain. I feel it is in by being there for others, getting out of our own minds for a bit, evolution through this grieving is how we learn to appreciate our existence and grow to our full potential. I feel that is God's plan for us as individuals. Tough lessons to learn through loss but I guess God has faith in our inner strength and courage.

It's ok, this all might as well be ancient Sumerian as far as I'm concerned, my computer skills are nonexistent. 

You're absolutely correct though, as we reach out to others, we are simultaneously reaching out to ourselves. Consciously or otherwise, we want help as much as we wish to give it. Being alone throughout this ordeal is horrible, the feeling of isolation, the loneliness, that waits for us after everyone has returned to their life, swallows us. I know it isn't the same as having a person physically there with you, someone to hold your hand, to wipe away the tears, to look them in the eyes as you bare your soul, but this forum, and others like it, provides a nice surrogate. I will tell you that on many occasions, I've been comforted by my fellow travelers, each making me feel as if my sorrow has been heard. I hope that in some small way, I have or can return the favor. I don't want anyone to feel like they are alone with their loss. 

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On 7/4/2017 at 2:09 AM, bradley1985 said:

Today is the 4th and my birthday is in 2 days.  I dont have her to celebrate with.  And for that matter I dont have anyone to celebrate with but thats not so relevant as I dont want to celebrate either of them with anyone.  I want to die, not celebrate.  I dont know how we go on.  I dont see how I can just keep going and going.  There is no end to this it seems.  To remember what I had and didnt even fully realize that I had the best life in the world.  Looking back I see I had everything because I had someone who wanted to be with me on July 4 and my birthday and celebrate with me.  Someone who would make special days special.  Now nothing is special.  Now, I feel like a meaningless fly.  Just another faceless, useless blob of flesh that nobody knows.  

Mines the 16th and already know this month has been forever tarnish. Sorry you're living this.

 

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12 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Ok all you "devil cat" lovers (Autocharge, KayC). Mine did it again. Bit my arm again tonight. Drew blood, even through a thick robe. I'm hoping I don't have to go to the doctors again for another cat bite!  At least I got the tetanus shot last time. Like I just said in another post, we are in hell. When he bit me I just burst out crying and haven't stopped!!

Do they make cat muzzles?  Sorry, that has to be hard.  I love to watch "My Cat from Hell", I've learned a lot from it, if nothing else I learn that there's a lot worse than Kitty out there!  I'm wondering if your cat is reacting to your grief emotions or something else...did your cat bite you before your loss?

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Forgive me, I inadvertently calling her Christine instead of Tracie. 

1 hour ago, Andy said:

I honestly don't know how I'll do this. It doesn't matter, as long as I keep at it. I cry, I miss her, I sit and think about how empty everything feels now, I wonder at the cruel irony of my wife's passing, and I despair at all of my so called friends who've been less than supportive, but I get up. There isn't a reasonable choice for me.

 

Same here, missing my Charles is an understatement and the love I have for him -  undescribable.   I miss him more and more each day and I know about those *so-called* friends you mentioned -  I call them *shadow* friends; they follow you in the sun, but leave you in the dark.   I guess in situations like these you get to know who your real true friends are.  The ones who doesn't tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.    I don't have many, not sure if I had any, really.  No, I take that back, I had one who I'd stake my life on  - my Charles. 

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Francine,

2 hours ago, Francine said:

Same here, missing my Charles is an understatement and the love I have for him -  undescribable.   I miss him more and more each day

I so get those words. As each week and month go by, I miss my Ed more and more. What happens if we reach a point of extremeness with missing them?  Is that possible? How do we get past that point without losing our minds?

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On 7/6/2017 at 6:18 PM, Andy said:

Thank you Francine, these days that have intimate and personal significance are far more difficult to navigate than the more general, "I bet there'll be a good sale going on" kind of day. That's how it effects me, obviously any and all days can have a deeper meaning. I'll never experience or perceive New Year's the same again, but these next few days will be especially tough. My daughter is going to have a rough time, so I'm hoping the change in scenery will be enough of a counter balance to the grief that she'll undoubtedly be struggling with. 

Last night was a bad one, thinking about Tracie and what she'll miss and what I'm going to do without her, a lot of emotions came pouring out. My daughter needs me to be more than a zombie, I need me to be more than that, I must find a way to allow the vibrancy of life to once again be present. I honestly don't know how I'll do this. It doesn't matter, as long as I keep at it. I cry, I miss her, I sit and think about how empty everything feels now, I wonder at the cruel irony of my wife's passing, and I despair at all of my so called friends who've been less than supportive, but I get up. There isn't a reasonable choice for me. Quitting doesn't work, so, onward I go. My wife is with me, I beg of her for strength, guidance, a sign that I'm on the right path. I don't know if I've gotten any, but I know I haven't got any "stop" signs, so I figure I'm doing ok for now.

When I decided that I wanted to marry her, even in the 19 year old mind that I clumsily wielded so many years ago, I knew that I would love and hold her forever. It was that clear to me and 27 years later, that never changed. I can't take my wife out to dinner, I can't take her away on a second honeymoon, I can't bring her flowers and chocolate, so how do I show her that I, still and will always, love her? Wrong or right, I think by finding my smile again, my laughter, the things she loved, if I find those things, along with happiness and joy, then I will have proven that she inspired me. She gave me hope and confidence, she had faith in me, she believed in me, all because she loved this poor, directionless, boy who needed a haircut and a patient hand. I will show my daughter that while this loss is terrible, life altering, and without doubt, created a permanent sadness in my heart and soul, her moms influence, her examples of grace and perseverance will not have been in vain. I will live, I will be happy again. Not happy without her, but happy because of her. I owe her no less. 

Wow, I love what you wrote, beautiful words. I hope to feel that way some day. 

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bradley1985
On 7/7/2017 at 0:47 PM, Andy said:

Not giving up is the best I can do most days. That's both an emotional decision and an action. That doesn't mean waking up with a smile and a "go get them" attitude, far from it. It simply means deciding, that today, I will get up, I will do what needs doing, and I'll be open to anything positive that might cross my path. Some days are much, much harder than others, but that really is a part of our world now.

This is my sentiment.  I am on the verge of giving up so much of the time but I try to hold on for just one more day.  Tomorrow is the anniversary.  I will get fresh flowers for her, etc and try to make it to tomorrow night and go to sleep.  I am exhausted from grief.  My body hurts, especially my back now.  I get up every day and try to move forward with my language class and my business.  I dont enjoy either that much but the language class is the best thing I have to get my mind off of Nicole and working on our business makes me feel like I am still a human being.  I cant watch TV, play games, or read books but I can work, study, and meet with people for a few hours per day.  Thats all I got, nothing more.  

Every day that goes by I realize more and more its jsut me now.  The only person I have to take care of is me now.  Nobody comes to my house socially (im in thailand).  I am all alone but I do go out to dinner with some friends a couple of times per week.  This is terribly lonely but thats the way I want it.  I want to be alone a good portion of the time.  Its hard to be around people when they are not suffering and you are.  Last night I had dinner with some friends and they wanted to get a group picture.  I couldn't do it.  I am so sad it feels like someone taking my picture is doing nothing more than documenting my misery.  Little things like that make it difficult to socialize for very long.  Thats in addition to the fact my wife is on my mind every minute, even when conversing with other people.  I am trying everyday to move forward but its like trying to walk with 200LB ankle weights on each leg.  

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8 minutes ago, bradley1985 said:

Its hard to be around people when they are not suffering and you are.  Last night I had dinner with some friends and they wanted to get a group picture.  I couldn't do it.  I am so sad it feels like someone taking my picture is doing nothing more than documenting my misery.  Little things like that make it difficult to socialize for very long.  Thats in addition to the fact my wife is on my mind every minute, even when conversing with other people.  I am trying everyday to move forward but its like trying to walk with 200LB ankle weights on each leg.  

It's really tough taking those pictures for me as I am always the odd man out. What used to be table for 4 or 6 is now table for 3 or 5. It is a stark reminder of the loss we have endured.

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1 minute ago, bradley1985 said:

This is my sentiment.  I am on the verge of giving up so much of the time but I try to hold on for just one more day.  Tomorrow is the anniversary.  I will get fresh flowers for her, etc and try to make it to tomorrow night and go to sleep.  I am exhausted from grief.  My body hurts, especially my back now.  I get up every day and try to move forward with my language class and my business.  I dont enjoy either that much but the language class is the best thing I have to get my mind off of Nicole and working on our business makes me feel like I am still a human being.  I cant watch TV, play games, or read books but I can work, study, and meet with people for a few hours per day.  Thats all I got, nothing more.  

Every day that goes by I realize more and more its jsut me now.  The only person I have to take care of is me now.  Nobody comes to my house socially (im in thailand).  I am all alone but I do go out to dinner with some friends a couple of times per week.  This is terribly lonely but thats the way I want it.  I want to be alone a good portion of the time.  Its hard to be around people when they are not suffering and you are.  Last night I had dinner with some friends and they wanted to get a group picture.  I couldn't do it.  I am so sad it feels like someone taking my picture is doing nothing more than documenting my misery.  Little things like that make it difficult to socialize for very long.  Thats in addition to the fact my wife is on my mind every minute, even when conversing with other people.  I am trying everyday to move forward but its like trying to walk with 200LB ankle weights on each leg.  

We share many attitudes and similar thought processes. The pain is still so present and absolute, your wife and mine passed relatively close to one another. Perhaps the difference in our accepting and/or processing this event is that my daughter has kept me from drowning in this misery. At times being alone 100% of the time sounds very nice, but being dad won't allow for it. 

You mentioned back pain, and I get that too. Not so much this last month or so, but initially my back, neck and head constantly hurt. I imagine tension and anxiety both were/are behind these conditions. 

Its sad irony that loneliness is, aside from the actual loss of my wife, probably the worst aspect of my life now, yet I don't want to be around anyone else. There are exceptions of course, but given a choice of being around friends or coworkers, I'd rather be alone. I find other people's idle chitchat irritating and meaningless. Of course that's my grief altered reaction to the world around me, I'm not that way. I enjoy my friends, I like being around good company and sharing interests, but thats changed now. I'm hoping it comes back. 

I am better at handling my wife's memories, I don't shy away from them or ignore them. I actually try to incorporate them into my daily thoughts as "companion pieces". When I'm thinking of her, I do so in the present tense, and I find that by talking to her I mitigate most of the pain associated with painful memories. The 8 hours leading to her passing is an entirely different story, I struggle greatly with those memories. I am haunted by them, my mind trying to fill in the blank spots and imagining what she was feeling or thinking drives me to tears and agony. I think I'll be dealing with those for probably the rest of my life.

I'm undecided as to what I'll do for our anniversary. I wish I could leave for 4-5 days, just to think and reflect, but that isn't possible for me. I've taken today and tomorrow off from work, yet I still haven't a clue as to what I'm going to do. I hate this indecision on my part, I actually get angry at this insane paralysis that on the surface is just idiotic. 

I want to go away but don't want to be too far from home, I want to be alone yet I'm lonely, I hope for the future but my future doesn't exist for me anymore, it's a wonder that all of us don't end up committed. 

Bradley, I wish you the best tomorrow, I'll be thinking about you as you navigate that special day. Peace and strength, here's to our ladies, we miss them and will love them until the end of time...

Andy

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11 hours ago, Dian said:

Wow, I love what you wrote, beautiful words. I hope to feel that way some day. 

Thank you. You will, you probably do, it's just a matter of getting to a place where you can acknowledge and express your specific feelings.

No easy days, just some not as difficult.

Andy

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15 hours ago, Francine said:

Forgive me, I inadvertently calling her Christine instead of Tracie. 

 

Same here, missing my Charles is an understatement and the love I have for him -  undescribable.   I miss him more and more each day and I know about those *so-called* friends you mentioned -  I call them *shadow* friends; they follow you in the sun, but leave you in the dark.   I guess in situations like these you get to know who your real true friends are.  The ones who doesn't tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.    I don't have many, not sure if I had any, really.  No, I take that back, I had one who I'd stake my life on  - my Charles. 

Absolutely, shadow friends, how appropriate. Yeah, I have one who's always been more a brother anyway, he was with me the day I first laid eyes on my future wife, best man at my wedding, and he helped carry her to her final resting place. Other than him, I've not been blessed with an abundance of true blue compatriots. And yes, my wife was the one person on this planet that cared and loved for me like no other, she was both a true love and a best friend, what more could a person ask for?

Love and hugs,

Andy

No worries about her name, I constantly get names mixed up in my head, there are so many people here and with new voices popping up almost daily, I can't sort them all out. :-)

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Andy, 

Will be thinking about you...I hope you figure out what you want to do, I know it's hard.  I never have figured out how to handle our anniversaries.  It's tough.

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