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Another holiday


HHFaith

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy, 

Will be thinking about you...I hope you figure out what you want to do, I know it's hard.  I never have figured out how to handle our anniversaries.  It's tough.

It's 11:40 pm and I don't know if I'll go anywhere. I think I may go to her grave and tidy it up, add some good, rich soil as it's settled with all of this rain we're getting. Perhaps place some wild flower seeds into the potting soil, at least for some occasions flowers will grow before being cut. She loves flowers, all colors and varieties. It's been 6 months and I still haven't settled on a marker for her grave. Maybe there's something wrong with how I'm going about it, I just can't make it final. It's how I feel, I'm not ready. I'm just not ready. 

As for going anywhere, I'm completely lost. I have to return to work Wednesday, so anything distant is impractical. I hate work. It's a trivial necessity that drains me and keeps me from truly engaging in some much needed soul searching and "healing". Between that and my family issues, I still haven't gotten that isolation to think, to truly think and delve deep into finding answers for myself or at least discovering whether or not I'm on the right path. In light of losing her, my "job" is completely meaningless. I get nothing from it other than a way to pay bills and maintain that much needed health insurance. 

Sorry about my bitter tone, I get carried away I'm afraid. 

God bless,

Andy

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17 minutes ago, Andy said:

 It's been 6 months and I still haven't settled on a marker for her grave. Maybe there's something wrong with how I'm going about it, I just can't make it final. It's how I feel, I'm not ready. I'm just not ready. 

 

My mom's been gone 5 years and her and my dad share a headstone. When she passed away there was a screw up at the place I bought the casket from so they agreed to engrave her date of death for free. 

Well a month in they hadn't, after numerous attempts the one and ONLY request I made of my (EX) half sister was that she deal with it. I went to the grave about 3 more times nd still bare. 

At that point it got too hard to visit so I have no idea if it has been done or not. But like you, getting that last detail made it final.

When you're ready you'll know. 

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Andy,    My thoughts and prayers are with you today. I know today will be rough on you. Planting wild flower seeds for Tracie is a beautiful gesture. Maybe those seeds will continue to flourish every year. Tracie will love and enjoy seeing them from Heaven.

Since you only have today, this is just an idea for you. I get my most peace and calmness from nature. Toss a lawn chair into your vehicle, and go somewhere into the countryside for a mini retreat. Find a spot where you can just relax, close your eyes, open your mind and allow the thoughts to flow. Even if it is for just a couple hours, just spend some alone time for yourself. Forget about the daily grind, just try to relax and tune into *you*.     (HUGS)

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Andy,

Never apologize for how you're feeling, we've all been there too.


SweetBear,

I'm sorry for their callousness.  It can be very frustrating to not see the gravestone done right.

KMB,

I tried that and got bees...

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KayC, I've had to deal with bees, other flying bugs and wood ticks. Only the wood ticks to check for later. it still is rejuvenating in a way, to sit in nature somewhere, away from it all and zen out for awhile.Staying in touch with my inner center does seem to help. I have to be in this life for who knows how many years yet, and when you are doing things on your own, you need to sit back, reflect and regroup some. I still have issues with focus, concentration and remembering. I'm getting a little *saner*, as time goes on. My husband isn't going anywhere in Heaven. He will wait for me until I catch up and graduate to Heaven myself.

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6 hours ago, KMB said:

lit still is rejuvenating in a way, to sit in nature somewhere, away from it all and zen out for awhile.Staying in touch with my inner center does seem to help. I have to be in this life for who knows how many years yet, and when you are doing things on your own, you need to sit back, reflect and regroup some  

Such a good reminder KMB.  And as Andy said, work can be a distraction from the soul searching and healing that we all need so badly. I'm learning that it really is helpful to be still and reflect. I've never been good at that but I want to keep trying. It is good for the soul. 

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bradley1985
On 7/10/2017 at 9:14 AM, Andy said:

We share many attitudes and similar thought processes. The pain is still so present and absolute, your wife and mine passed relatively close to one another. Perhaps the difference in our accepting and/or processing this event is that my daughter has kept me from drowning in this misery. At times being alone 100% of the time sounds very nice, but being dad won't allow for it. 

You mentioned back pain, and I get that too. Not so much this last month or so, but initially my back, neck and head constantly hurt. I imagine tension and anxiety both were/are behind these conditions. 

Its sad irony that loneliness is, aside from the actual loss of my wife, probably the worst aspect of my life now, yet I don't want to be around anyone else. There are exceptions of course, but given a choice of being around friends or coworkers, I'd rather be alone. I find other people's idle chitchat irritating and meaningless. Of course that's my grief altered reaction to the world around me, I'm not that way. I enjoy my friends, I like being around good company and sharing interests, but thats changed now. I'm hoping it comes back. 

I am better at handling my wife's memories, I don't shy away from them or ignore them. I actually try to incorporate them into my daily thoughts as "companion pieces". When I'm thinking of her, I do so in the present tense, and I find that by talking to her I mitigate most of the pain associated with painful memories. The 8 hours leading to her passing is an entirely different story, I struggle greatly with those memories. I am haunted by them, my mind trying to fill in the blank spots and imagining what she was feeling or thinking drives me to tears and agony. I think I'll be dealing with those for probably the rest of my life.

Yesterday was our anniversary and I lived though it.  I thought it wasnt as bad as my birthday a few days prior to that.  I dont know why.  It hurt worse to turn 50 without her here than her not being here for our anniversary.  I talked to her all day and went to a nice restaurant to read recovery material.  I felt she was with me which made it a little bit better.  However, with that said, today is absolutely terrible.  I want to die again.  Its like our time together came and went and she is still not here.  Its like today I feel another piece of me dying. 

I dont have a daughter or son close to me and I am having a hard time talking to family.  It feels like its just me alone today more than I have ever felt in my life.  I looked at a bunch of my wife's things yesterday and put some of them up in the house to keep her here with me.  But today it feels like she is less a part of me than ever before and I am so so very sad.  It's unbearable.  The sun is shining and that is making it worse.  

When I think of her memories I try to incorporate all the things she liked into my life somehow, like her favorite colors.  The memories still hurt because I wish I had been more present with her when she was alive instead of worrying about other things.  It hurts I did not give her more of myself.  I have her all my time and shared everything with her but didnt tell her I loved her enough and didnt stay in the moment long enough.

I am haunted by her last few days of life.  I am resentful and have condemned myself for my behavior of thinking she would be fine.  I thought with all my heart she would be ok. Even the doctor thought it was nothing major at first and ruled out a stroke.  I hate myself for thinking that going to the hospital was going to ruin our upcoming vacation (one of the thoughts that went through my head).  I just had no idea she could have a stroke and I didnt really know what one was.  I have vision after vision of her lying on the bed dying but me not knowing she was dying and thinking everything was going to be ok.  I loved her so much and didnt really get a chance to feel and communicate that love because I was trying to "fix" the problem.  It hurts and I miss her so much.  

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9 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

I felt she was with me which made it a little bit better

Bradley,

Any little glimpse of anything being better, no matter how short lived it is, I've learned to grab onto that and appreciate it.  This is a walk of ups and downs, and it seems more downs in the beginning.  You're in your early 30s, no one would expect a stroke!  It's so unfair, even though George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years, were only married 3 2/3 years, I feel worse for you...I never saw it coming, never thought he'd die for another 20+ years, but you...you absolutely would not have expected this!

In time, I hope you're more able to talk to your family.  My family was there for me but I can't say they understood...how can you if you haven't been through it?  My mom had though, I could talk with her some, but she was a religious fanatic and it was hard to talk with her about anything without it turning to her fanaticism.  She just didn't seem to reside in reality, which was probably nice for her but kind of hard for us kids.

I only WISH there was a "fix" for any of this.

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15 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

When I think of her memories I try to incorporate all the things she liked into my life somehow,

That is one of the best things we can do to honor them. To try and keep the legacy of their love and well lived life going. My thoughts were on you yesterday, Bradley, wondering how you were coping.  I made it through my husband's birthday in March and our anniversary in May. I felt like I was wrapped in peace, comfort, on those days and I like to think he was helping me through. The biggie one year mark is next month. I don't know how I am going to cope through that day, probably just like all of these past days. Just do the best I can, knowing my husband's spirit is there for me. '

I do so hope that life gets a little easier for you, for all of us. There is that platitude that life is short. It certainly was for our beloveds but it sure crawls now without them.

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20 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

But today it feels like she is less a part of me than ever before and I am so so very sad. 

Thinking of you Bradley. I understand that feeling. I am struggling now with the sense that Pat is kind of drifting away from me as time goes on. I feel like I need to work at making a conscious effort to think of him and try to make the connection to him , to his spirit or soul. I know he is a part of me and will be forever. He is in my heart. I know that but I need to work on really feeling that. When I feel it, it does bring some peace. I think it's good that you brought things of hers out. I have lots of pictures and things around. And his gym bag is hanging on the coat closet door. That will stay there forever! 

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6 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Thinking of you Bradley. I understand that feeling. I am struggling now with the sense that Pat is kind of drifting away from me as time goes on. I feel like I need to work at making a conscious effort to think of him and try to make the connection to him , to his spirit or soul. I know he is a part of me and will be forever. He is in my heart. I know that but I need to work on really feeling that. When I feel it, it does bring some peace. I think it's good that you brought things of hers out. I have lots of pictures and things around. And his gym bag is hanging on the coat closet door. That will stay there forever! 

Lately I've felt the same way, like if time goes by, Mario is going far and far away from me, and some days (the worst ones) I go with the flow and try to avoid thinking about the accident and the time in the hospital but I found out that it is only worst because I end up attacking myself telling me that I should think and remember, and I must keep him in my mind, it is an inner struggle. I want to stop the time and avoid the fact that for most people Mario will be just a memory, and I want to hold on tight in the idea he still is real and he still needs to be in everyone's life, and it is so hard and heartbreaking because people is "moving on" his brothers, they miss him but they are just fine and they didn't stop, I cant judge them but since my world is destroy with Mario's dead, some part of me is selfish and I've like to see at least his family going into the same struggle I am going through... 

Sometimes I feel this is not happening and I feel is my fault because I didn't want to see him in the coffin and now in my mind it seems Mario is not here, he is just away, but I cant understand the fact that he is dead, how could I? I am afraid that if I accept he is dead my world will end up, suicidal thoughts are stronger everyday and I try hard to fight them back, but I am so afraid what will happen the day my mind accept Mario's death as a fact. One month and 13 days and it only got worst. Life is unfair and it hurts and I am tired.

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I want to add that even though I can't see George right now, I don't feel he is any less a part of me.  The one thing that I know continues is our love.  His body may have given out and I have continued aging, but our love is everlasting and exists still, and in my heart and soul I feel he will always be every bit a part of me.  He is my one true connection, and he has made all the difference in my world and to my life.

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KayC,

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I want to add that even though I can't see George right now, I don't feel he is any less a part of me.  The one thing that I know continues is our love.  His body may have given out and I have continued aging, but our love is everlasting and exists still, and in my heart and soul I feel he will always be every bit a part of me.  He is my one true connection, and he has made all the difference in my world and to my life.

:wub:

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KayC, KMB, HHFaith, ka9219, Bradley, M88, everyone, thank you all so much for your kind words, prayers and thoughts.

My anniversary was bittersweet, perhaps more bitter than sweet. I'll go into a little more detail, but for now I just wanted to tell everyone just how appreciative I am. You all know this can be, is, a lonely place. Days like my anniversary, or any special occasion, serve to amplify what's already hard enough to deal with. Coming here and expressing my fears and anxieties is wonderful, but getting the insight, support and reassurances is simply a blessing. Uplifting and so inclusive, allowing me into your thoughts and prayers, even into your "lives", you all work your own special kind of miracles. I love all of you guys and gals, thank you all so much and may each one of you find peace and comfort,

Andy 

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Inside this physical shell, where the majority of the world only sees the outside, we, here, are all the same. We have a heart that is broken. A mind that has been been shattered, separated from its known existence of happiness and true love. The pain and loneliness of loss is our inner badge of everlasting love that we carry secretly.  Cannot believe I managed to pull those words from my own shattered mind and put them into sentences!

47 minutes ago, Andy said:

I love all of you guys and gals, thank you all so much and may each one of you find peace and comfort,

Love you too, Andy!  " I shall pass through this world but once. If, therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do ,let me do it now---- for I shall not pass this way again".  By Stephen De Grellet

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We love you too, Andy, and appreciate your presence here.  So many times you've said just the right thing we've needed to hear!  One thing I've learned, when one of us is hurting, we all feel it.  And when one of us triumphs, no matter how small, we all celebrate!

Love that quote, KMB!

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