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Fiancé died in car accident, I survived (but wished I didn't)


AshleyDonahue

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AshleyDonahue

Last month, my fiancé and I were in a horrific car accident. He was driving and had some sort of stroke or seizure (still waiting on final results of the exam). His head went down at the steering wheel, but his foot was still hard on the gas pedal. We crossed the median of a freeway and hit a tractor trailer on the wrong side so hard that it rolled over. 

I only have fragmented memories of what happened after the impact. They say I remained conscious most of the time but was in severe shock. We were both med-flighted, separately, to a trauma center. They told me he died in the helicopter. The fact that I was not with him when he passed away adds to my agony. I feel like I'm in the worst imaginable nightmare, and I never get to wake up. I don't even know if we spoke to each other or if I got to lay beside him as they worked to save us.

My injuries were fairly severe, so I was in the hospital for a full week, and then a rehab facility for another ten days. Once I was okayed to be discharged, my parents flew out (they live in another state) and took me back to their house. I am able to walk again now but still can't use my arm, so I'm not able to live independently yet. And what does that even mean now? I don't want to live without him, anywhere. 

Now that I'm here at my parents', I feel like my grief is only getting worse and worse. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't find the motivation to get "better"... he was my best friend, we were never apart. Being with him was the first time I ever felt truly spiritual. Every morning, he would get up first and make out coffee, and then come back to bed and lay next to me. I would curl up beside him and say a silent prayer, every time, genuinely thanking God for bringing him into my life, for making me so incredibly happy, and begging Him to never let that change. Now I'm struggling with my faith and understanding where the love of my life is. There are days were I still refuse to believe he is gone... and then it comes crashing down on me and I feel like I can't even breathe. 

Today is his birthday. We were supposed to be married at the end of June; we were going to be on our honeymoon now. I'm 31 years old and I feel like I am facing an eternity of waiting to be with him again. How does this ever possibly get better? 

Im sorry for the long post; I just needed to get that out. I feel so alone and desperate. 

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1 hour ago, AshleyDonahue said:

Last month, my fiancé and I were in a horrific car accident. He was driving and had some sort of stroke or seizure (still waiting on final results of the exam). His head went down at the steering wheel, but his foot was still hard on the gas pedal. We crossed the median of a freeway and hit a tractor trailer on the wrong side so hard that it rolled over. 

I only have fragmented memories of what happened after the impact. They say I remained conscious most of the time but was in severe shock. We were both med-flighted, separately, to a trauma center. They told me he died in the helicopter. The fact that I was not with him when he passed away adds to my agony. I feel like I'm in the worst imaginable nightmare, and I never get to wake up. I don't even know if we spoke to each other or if I got to lay beside him as they worked to save us.

My injuries were fairly severe, so I was in the hospital for a full week, and then a rehab facility for another ten days. Once I was okayed to be discharged, my parents flew out (they live in another state) and took me back to their house. I am able to walk again now but still can't use my arm, so I'm not able to live independently yet. And what does that even mean now? I don't want to live without him, anywhere. 

Now that I'm here at my parents', I feel like my grief is only getting worse and worse. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't find the motivation to get "better"... he was my best friend, we were never apart. Being with him was the first time I ever felt truly spiritual. Every morning, he would get up first and make out coffee, and then come back to bed and lay next to me. I would curl up beside him and say a silent prayer, every time, genuinely thanking God for bringing him into my life, for making me so incredibly happy, and begging Him to never let that change. Now I'm struggling with my faith and understanding where the love of my life is. There are days were I still refuse to believe he is gone... and then it comes crashing down on me and I feel like I can't even breathe. 

Today is his birthday. We were supposed to be married at the end of June; we were going to be on our honeymoon now. I'm 31 years old and I feel like I am facing an eternity of waiting to be with him again. How does this ever possibly get better? 

Im sorry for the long post; I just needed to get that out. I feel so alone and desperate. 

AshleyDonahue, 

I'm so terribly sorry for this tragic loss you've suffered, I'm sorry for the trauma you yourself endured and for this new, horrible world you've found yourself in. I don't have any words to lessen the pain or to diminish the agony of your sorrow, I can only offer my sincere efforts to reassure you that you are not alone. Certainly only you know exactly how you feel, only you knew your beloved the way you did, but all of us here, we are in that valley you've found yourself in. We may be separate, but we aren't by ourselves. 

I can't tell you this gets better, I can't tell you that by this day you will feel "this", and by this month, you'll feel "that". It doesn't work the same for everyone. Other than taking care of yourself, there aren't any rules to your grief. Eat, stay hydrated, get plenty of good sleep. Seek professional grief counseling if you see or feel a need. Talk to trusted family, friends, clergy, whoever can genuinely listen to you. Know that those who've never experienced this will not and can not fully understand and appreciate how this has effected you. 

Ashley, I want you to know that what you feel, the hopelessness, the utter desolation that's come onto you, the anger or resentment towards God or the universe, it's all normal and expected. You don't know why you should carry on, the world you once lived in is gone, fundamentally and irreversibly changed forever, life may seem pointless. It's not though. I felt and still feel many of the things you do. 6 months later and I'm still searching for the missing pieces of my life, I'm still trying to find my future, my tomorrows. Please, for now, moment by moment, that's all you can do. It's good enough. Don't worry about being strong, that's too much to ask, just be alive. Be weak, cry, scream, curse creation, sob, write down your thoughts, punch something (no walls. Or people), just live. Figuring out why can wait if need be. Breathe, allow the emotions to run their course, know them and recognize them. You will make it through. Not easily, but you will. Post as often as you like, as you feel the need, the people here are truly amazing. Each one has insight born of heartache and tragedy, yet they relive and share just to help others.

I wish you'd never found a need for this forum, but I'm thankful you did find it. May you find a measure of peace, comfort and calm, 

Andy

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Sweet girl, I'm terrible sorry about your loss, losing someone in an unexpected way is terrifying and brings up all the most awful feelings in your heart, and I can tell you that because I loss my boyfriend a month ago from an accident with his car. I know and I might barely understand what you are going through as we all grief differently, the anger, the sadness are just the top of the iceberg, there are deep feelings and thougts going into your mind and heart.

Take one day at the time, dont think about tomorrow, neither next week or next year, it is important for you to understand that what you are feeling is real, the pain is real but so the love you have for each other. There is not an easy way to go through this, I have been in this for a month and I havent reach answers or reasons, but every day I love Mario even more -my boyfriend- and that is what gets me up from bed every day, the love I feel towards him.

We are here for you

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3 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I have been in this for a month and I havent reach answers or reasons, but every day I love Mario even more -my boyfriend- and that is what gets me up from bed every day, the love I feel towards him.

There are no answers to any of this, especially in the early weeks and months. I also think it's the love that gets us through each day. It is just one day at a time. I'm at 6 months and if I think beyond today, I still get those anxious feelings. I can only think about this day, not tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. I only have to take care of myself for today. 

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Wow, I am so sorry.  To lose your soulmate when you're so young, and now facing what you are facing instead of being on your honeymoon, I think you ARE living your worst nightmare.  About four months after my husband died, I went to a women's retreat/seminar and there was a lady there that told her story, of being on vacation with her husband (they didn't have children, they were young)  and he had an accident and died.  I remember how inspiring her story was, her strength and determination...I felt none of that.

This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've been through a lot in my life.  It's been 12 years for me.  In the beginning I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the whole rest of my life.  I've learned not to look at the whole rest of my life, but to do a day at a time.  The pain eventually diminished, I've adjusted as much as one can, I've honed my coping skills, and I've learned to carry my grief with me.  The missing him continues.

I want to share an article I wrote with you of the things I've learned over my grief journey:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

(I realize all of these things may not doable right now, especially in your circumstances, but someday perhaps.)

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