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Lost my Husband to Suicide. Need hope, help.


darkshadowgirl

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Continue to post, we are all on this journey together and we will get through it somehow, someday, somewhere.

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I am so sorry for you loss but glad you have found some comfort on the site.  It too helped me tremendously when I first joined and still does.  I've been without my Charles going on 9 months and it's still hard to convince my heart what my mind knows or my mind what my heart knows - take your pick - they're both hard.  What keeps me going is knowing my Charles is near me even if I don't see him, he is with me, even when he feels far away,  he is in my heart, in my thoughts and in my life, always.  I hope you find comfort in knowing that your Jeff's spirit is always with you - in your heart.    You're doing right taking one minute at a time; it will be painful, but you are strong, after all, you're now carrying two hearts.  Stay strong and be blessed.

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Darkshadowgirl

Just wanted to say how similar our stories are, it's coming up for 4 weeks since my boyfriend of 15 years took his own life, we meet when I was 23 and been together ever since. He battled mental health issues all his life but the last few weeks were bad for him with similar sounding anxiety as your partner had. His last message to me (voicemail message) was one of love and hope for our future together, I was away overnight and found him the next day. He'd been speaking about suicide but at the time he did it, I truly do not think he intended to die (due to various factors).

Anyway, that's my story in a very short nutshell but I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you're going through. I swing from utterly terrible days to not so bad days.

I've found that having practical things to do each day really help, I've already put our house up for sale, I try and meet a friend every day, I speak (or text) on the phone most days to people, I don't refuse any calls. I've started going back to work for just a few hours and today I went back to training at the gym, I broke down in tears three times but at least I did it. I've also started a 30 day writing your grief course (I can send details if you want).

Honestly, some days are crippling but I try to do my best on the days which are a little easier to deal with.

Take care.

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18 minutes ago, EllieG said:

Honestly, some days are crippling but I try to do my best on the days which are a little easier to deal with.

Very simply and wonderfully stated.

I am sorry for your loss. Also, simple words,but what can a person say other than that? It is the thoughtful meaning behind the words that count. I wish none of us had the tragic reason to have found this forum, but, I am glad it exists and I am glad you found your way here. We have listening ears, know your pain and the full range of emotions and thoughts that are the territory of grieving. We encourage and uplift our separate paths on the same journey.

I am sorry you were the one to find your boyfriend. Those images are always hard to keep blocked out. He still loves you and I'm sure he didn't mean to find such a permanent way to end his life and illness in that manner. Prayers for peace and hugs to you.

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5 hours ago, EllieG said:

He battled mental health issues all his life but the last few weeks were bad for him with similar sounding anxiety as your partner had. His last message to me (voicemail message) was one of love and hope for our future together, I was away overnight and found him the next day. He'd been speaking about suicide but at the time he did it, I truly do not think he intended to die (due to various factors).

 I swing from utterly terrible days to not so bad days.  I've found that having practical things to do each day really help -  I went back to training at the gym, I broke down in tears three times but at least I did it.

Honestly, some days are crippling but I try to do my best on the days which are a little easier to deal with.

Take care.

I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you undoubtedly have suffered.  Mental illness is a silent destroyer; for those who understand it, no explanation is needed, for those who do not understand it, no explanation is possible. I'm terribly sorry that your loved one was not strong enough to overcome it.  I can only imagine people not understanding how stressful it is to explain what's going on inside one's head when they don't understand it themselves.

I'm glad you're finding ways to keep youself busy that is helping you.  If you need to break down 3 more times, then do it.  Let it out; scream, shout, cry and know you are cleansing your soul and one way to release the pain.

I agree with you, some days are crippling, but you know what, you are strong and strength isn't all about how much you can handle before you break; it is about how much you can handle after you break.

My prayers are with you and we are all here for you.   God bless and keep you safe, keep us all safe.
 
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Kay,

I hope you are doing better after your fall. Some doctor you saw, what a jerk!! I just wanted to reach out to you as you have been so kind to me since I found this site. 

Sheree72,

I am sorry for your loss as well. You have found  the right place here for support. Every one is so kind and always willing to give advice and comfort. Everyone here has helped me make it through one more day. I am grateful for all of you. 

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20 hours ago, EllieG said:

Darkshadowgirl

Just wanted to say how similar our stories are, it's coming up for 4 weeks since my boyfriend of 15 years took his own life, we meet when I was 23 and been together ever since. He battled mental health issues all his life but the last few weeks were bad for him with similar sounding anxiety as your partner had. His last message to me (voicemail message) was one of love and hope for our future together, I was away overnight and found him the next day. He'd been speaking about suicide but at the time he did it, I truly do not think he intended to die (due to various factors).

Anyway, that's my story in a very short nutshell but I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you're going through. I swing from utterly terrible days to not so bad days.

I've found that having practical things to do each day really help, I've already put our house up for sale, I try and meet a friend every day, I speak (or text) on the phone most days to people, I don't refuse any calls. I've started going back to work for just a few hours and today I went back to training at the gym, I broke down in tears three times but at least I did it. I've also started a 30 day writing your grief course (I can send details if you want).

Honestly, some days are crippling but I try to do my best on the days which are a little easier to deal with.

Take care.

Ellie,

I'm so sorry, I wish there were words...

How sweet of you to respond when you're so fresh in this yourself!  You are doing what you can, and that is good.  I hope you'll continue to come here.  It wouldn't hurt to post the information about the course so others that might be interested can check it out.  Thank you for your input!

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13 hours ago, Dian said:

Kay,

I hope you are doing better after your fall. Some doctor you saw, what a jerk!! I just wanted to reach out to you as you have been so kind to me since I found this site. 

It's improving little by little, this is going to be a long haul.  It was May 31st, so it's already been almost two months.  Still a lot of pain but I do see improvement.  I'm working hard at my recovery.  Thanks for your concern!

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EllieG, Thank you for sharing the link! All of us here need all the support, comfort, tools for coping, that we can get.

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darkshadowgirl
On 7/28/2017 at 11:54 AM, EllieG said:

Darkshadowgirl

Just wanted to say how similar our stories are, it's coming up for 4 weeks since my boyfriend of 15 years took his own life, we meet when I was 23 and been together ever since. He battled mental health issues all his life but the last few weeks were bad for him with similar sounding anxiety as your partner had. His last message to me (voicemail message) was one of love and hope for our future together, I was away overnight and found him the next day. He'd been speaking about suicide but at the time he did it, I truly do not think he intended to die (due to various factors).

Anyway, that's my story in a very short nutshell but I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you're going through. I swing from utterly terrible days to not so bad days.

I've found that having practical things to do each day really help, I've already put our house up for sale, I try and meet a friend every day, I speak (or text) on the phone most days to people, I don't refuse any calls. I've started going back to work for just a few hours and today I went back to training at the gym, I broke down in tears three times but at least I did it. I've also started a 30 day writing your grief course (I can send details if you want).

Honestly, some days are crippling but I try to do my best on the days which are a little easier to deal with.

Take care.

Ellie,

Wow our stories are very similar. Unfortunately. I'd like to keep in touch with you on this journey. When do you intend to live now? I don't know where I will go. I don't want to live in our old house and I don't want to live alone. I will try that 30 day grief journal too.

 

On 7/28/2017 at 6:21 PM, Francine said:

Mental illness is a silent destroyer; for those who understand it, no explanation is needed, for those who do not understand it, no explanation is possible.

Very well said. 

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12 hours ago, darkshadowgirl said:

Ellie,

Wow our stories are very similar. Unfortunately. I'd like to keep in touch with you on this journey. When do you intend to live now? I don't know where I will go. I don't want to live in our old house and I don't want to live alone. I will try that 30 day grief journal too.

Hey darkshadowgirl - yes, let's keep supporting each other.

I'm actually renting a flat (I'm in the UK, so that's an apartment in the US), while I sell our house. I've no idea where to buy next as I really have no idea what I'd want for myself. Our homes were so important to us that I really can't think about what to buy just for me. So in the meantime, I'll keep renting.

Are you still thinking of going to Japan? My sister lives in Australia and I'm thinking that after my house sale has gone through, I'll go and visit her for a few weeks. I don't know if that's a good plan or not but it's the best one I can think of for now.

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Ellie,

Thank you for that, Megan Devine is great.

I hope your visit to your sister's gives you something to look forward to and is enjoyable, you need it!

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darkshadowgirl
9 hours ago, EllieG said:

Hey darkshadowgirl - yes, let's keep supporting each other.

I'm actually renting a flat (I'm in the UK, so that's an apartment in the US), while I sell our house. I've no idea where to buy next as I really have no idea what I'd want for myself. Our homes were so important to us that I really can't think about what to buy just for me. So in the meantime, I'll keep renting.

Are you still thinking of going to Japan? My sister lives in Australia and I'm thinking that after my house sale has gone through, I'll go and visit her for a few weeks. I don't know if that's a good plan or not but it's the best one I can think of for now.

Yes! I have decided to take my SIL instead and it will be a healing journey for us. We are going to take some of his ashes there too. I think you should go to visit your sister. I visited my friend in California and it was very nice. 

Are you living by yourself in your apartment?

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On 7/28/2017 at 6:00 PM, Dian said:

Kay,

I hope you are doing better after your fall. Some doctor you saw, what a jerk!! I just wanted to reach out to you as you have been so kind to me since I found this site. 

Sheree72,

I am sorry for your loss as well. You have found  the right place here for support. Every one is so kind and always willing to give advice and comfort. Everyone here has helped me make it through one more day. I am grateful for all of you. 

Thank you, you're so sweet!  I'm improving, it's been over two months, it's just slow go.

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On 02/08/2017 at 6:30 AM, darkshadowgirl said:

Yes! I have decided to take my SIL instead and it will be a healing journey for us. We are going to take some of his ashes there too. I think you should go to visit your sister. I visited my friend in California and it was very nice. 

Are you living by yourself in your apartment?

Ah, that's great. A trip to Japan will be absolutely fantastic and that's lovely that you can take your SIL. My boyfriend had no family to speak of so I feel very alone in my grief for him.

Yes, I'm just living by myself, which is ok as because John was never in that flat at least it doesn't have his imprint. How are you doing with your housing situation?

 

On 01/08/2017 at 9:25 PM, KayC said:

Ellie,

Thank you for that, Megan Devine is great.

I hope your visit to your sister's gives you something to look forward to and is enjoyable, you need it!

No problem, Kay. The course is certainly helping me get words onto the page.

Just waiting for my house sale to go through before I book that trip, hopefully in the next couple of weeks.

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darkshadowgirl

Holy hell Batman. I woke up in such incredible pain today. Crazy how some days I feel nothing and then some days pain. I started feeling pain about 5 days ago and its been growing since. I wonder if the numbness the last few weeks was part of the shock phase wearing off and now I'm moving in the depression phase. Oh man this is tough and I have to start work tomorrow. Meh. :(

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2 hours ago, darkshadowgirl said:

Crazy how some days I feel nothing and then some days pain

So unfortunate that is the roller coaster of grieving. I've had times like that also. The building up of emotions. It is so internalized and we have no control. Oftentimes, the buildup just finally explodes and we are a sobbing mess. We pick ourselves up and do our best in going on. Until it hits us again.Over time, it doesn't hit quite as often and it gets easier to deal with. We get more knowledgeable in handling those low spots.  (HUGS) Sending prayers of peace and comfort to you. I know how hard this is.

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I'm sorry it's been so hard, it could be partly due to the numbness wearing off.  Triggers are hard too.  It's like a roller coaster.

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darkshadowgirl
1 hour ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry it's been so hard, it could be partly due to the numbness wearing off.  Triggers are hard too.  It's like a roller coaster.

I'm feeling better today. But good damn yesterday was insane. It was so incredibly intense, I've never experienced anything like that. I took some meds and the pain started to taper off in the evening. 

 

 

Today is my first day back at work. Eeek. Thank God I'm feeling better. It is nice to have somewhere to go/do during the day, instead of just waking up with nothing to do. So I think that will be good. But it is kind hard to go back to the job that I have been doing for 9 years when he was alive, like those routines your used to from a previous life that is gone now. I will find out how it feels I guess.  

 

 

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20 hours ago, darkshadowgirl said:

those routines your used to from a previous life that is gone now.

I never thought of it like that before, but that makes perfect sense!  While it was better, for me, going to work as it killed time, I had support from some wonderful people (I loved my coworkers and boss there), but it seemed like my brain disappeared and it made it hard for me to do a good job with the grief fog I had.  I don't think my focus has ever been 100% the same as it was "before".  

I wish you well on your job, I hope you had the supportiveness I did at mine...unfortunately my job went out of business a few months later (beginning of recession) and my next one was my worst one.  I'm glad the recession is over now, or so they say!

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