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darkshadowgirl

Lost my Husband to Suicide. Need hope, help.

39 posts in this topic

On 7/10/2017 at 7:30 AM, darkshadowgirl said:

So now for the past two days I have felt nothing.  On Thursday I went from being almost suicidal in pain to now feeling nothing. I can recall memories and I feel nothing, were before there was pain? This is all very strange. I wonder if my body is trying to protect itself by turning off emotions??? Though I do have to admit, it does feel a little relieving to not have to feel all that pain.   Anyone else experience going from heavily painful emotions to no pain suddenly?  While relieving, it feels a bit odd. It seems to change everyday. 

These mood swings will come and go.  Thought I had a grip on it, thought I had gotten through the brunt of it; thought the worst was behind me; thought I was on my way to dealing with this pain; boy, was I wrong.  I attend a group counseling meeting on the third Saturday of each month, and this past Saturday was the day.   I went there to just listen to the others but when asked to express how I was feeling, and not being one to sugar-coat the my feelings, I expressed how I felt.  I had gone back to rock-bottom and was feeling very, very low.  I was bitter again, angry, had a *hell with everybody and everything* attitude and I just didn't care.  I didn't feel loved and was somehow abandon from everybody.  One of the coordinators called me out on my feelings and we had somewhat of a heated discussion; another member reminded me that I wasn't alone in this journey and that they were all with me; another sat, talked, and prayed with me.  While I went there feeling lower than low, I walked away feeling truly uplifted.  I thank God for that.  I know God put those special people in my life who are there for me.  I call them God-sent angels; the kind that will make sure you are having a good day and will try to make you feel better, even when you are feeling down.  It is rare to find caring souls like that in our lives.

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On 7/16/2017 at 2:26 AM, darkshadowgirl said:

Today I am angry. I am f ing pissed off that you had everything. You had nothing to complain of, no financial problems, no marital problems, a beautiful house, good looks, youth, health, good jobs, vacations, loving wife, a beautiful Earth to explore and you cared nothing for it. F it all!! Right!? Everything we built meant nothing. You and your f-ing mommy issues. You randomly blurted out, 6 days before you died, "What's the point of this!?"  when we were hiking in a beautiful field. At the time I thought you were complaining of the hike. I now think you meant that existentially.  What's the point of this!? The point is to appreciate life!! You didn't. You lose it. So f you. I'm going to enjoy the f out of life just to spite you.

You have every right to be angry just like you have the right to be sad, lonely, regretful, etc... You have the right to have ANY emotion you want.

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Francine,

I'm sorry you went through such a down time, but I'm glad there were those in place to uplift you.  I know there are times I feel very, very alone, and it's not a good feeling.  This is indeed a very long hard journey.

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Francine, I hope you are doing better today. Those really low spots and the mood swings can certainly knock us on our butt. It is really comforting that at those times, someone will enter our life at those crucial moments to support and uplift us. There have been times during my low points where the phone has rung and it has been someone I can talk to for a bit and help lift me up again. God is certainly looking out for us!

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On 7/17/2017 at 10:38 AM, KayC said:

Francine,

I'm sorry you went through such a down time, but I'm glad there were those in place to uplift you.  I know there are times I feel very, very alone, and it's not a good feeling.  This is indeed a very long hard journey.

 

On 7/17/2017 at 0:37 PM, KMB said:

Francine, I hope you are doing better today. Those really low spots and the mood swings can certainly knock us on our butt. It is really comforting that at those times, someone will enter our life at those crucial moments to support and uplift us. There have been times during my low points where the phone has rung and it has been someone I can talk to for a bit and help lift me up again. God is certainly looking out for us!

Hey there ladies

Thanks for both of your comments.  Again, feeling low, and like KMB, the phone rang and not recognizing the number, I answered it with *attitude*; you know, the kind that tells you, *I really don't want to be bothered, so I'd appreciate it, if you don't waste my time*.   It was a good friend of mine I hadn't spoken to in a while and we talked, prayed, laughed, and cried together.  She said she didn't know why she called me, but did.  I know why she called, God saw I needed someone right at that time and space and made it happened.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, It is amazing how God brings the right people into our lives at the right time.  People who support, love and pray for us regardless of our circumstances - people like the both of you.  Thank you so much for all you do on this website; not only for me, but all the others.

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I have been thinking of a game plan for my future. I am thinking of wiping the slate clean and starting over in a new city, next year.  I may have one friend move over there, so I won't know anyone, other then that. But I have never moved to another city in my life, no better time then now, now that my life is ruined. It's scary cause I won't know anyone and will be alone, and I don't do 'alone' very well. But maybe I just need to jump in head first and do it. It's a skill I need to learn. And it will force me to go out and meet people. Plus a new city could be stimulating and make it interesting. What do you guys think of this plan?

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darkshadowgirl.....

I’ve been thinking along the very same lines.   I have to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life anyway.  Why not sell my home and move to a warmer climate in an area that has more to offer.  I currently live in an area where I was born and raised.  It’s familiar to me.  But, it is also somewhat depressed and after losing my husband, I don’t want to be here for the long cold dark winters.  I’ll be depressed enough.   I think it will help me move forward if I move to a new area and start fresh.  Make new friends.  The only thing to hold me back is I currently have a strong support system.  It’s still to soon to make any future decisions.  I won’t decide until next year.   Thing is, it's something once done you can't undo.  That makes it hard.  This house has so many memories.  I don’t know if it’s a help or extending my grief.   Andrew

 

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6 hours ago, Andrew 521 said:

darkshadowgirl.....

I’ve been thinking along the very same lines.   I have to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life anyway.  Why not sell my home and move to a warmer climate in an area that has more to offer.  I currently live in an area where I was born and raised.  It’s familiar to me.  But, it is also somewhat depressed and after losing my husband, I don’t want to be here for the long cold dark winters.  I’ll be depressed enough.   I think it will help me move forward if I move to a new area and start fresh.  Make new friends.  The only thing to hold me back is I currently have a strong support system.  It’s still to soon to make any future decisions.  I won’t decide until next year.   Thing is, it's something once done you can't undo.  That makes it hard.  This house has so many memories.  I don’t know if it’s a help or extending my grief.   Andrew

 

Exactly same boat. I too have a strong support system here, but like you I'm also not making any decisions till next year. And I also dread the long dark winter. How long ago was your loss?

 

I can't even enter our house. I haven't set foot in there since it happened. I don't know if I could live there without him. To many memories. But selling everything is like another death. It's going to be painful. 

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It's recommended we not make major changes the first year or two, but there are times for exceptions.  If you are having a really hard time where you are and strongly feel the need for change, as long as you've given it a good chance to adjust and still feel that urging, then perhaps a move might be of help to you.  This is something I'd bring up to your grief counselor for points to consider.

I don't think I'd decide finally until you've given yourself the chance to be inside the home and see how you do there...it might take a while to know.

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Andrew and darkshadowgirl-----  KayC relayed it spot on. Give it time, into next year, before making a major change such as moving. As long as you both have strong support systems, you will be needing that support in the upcoming months. There are no time frames for this sad business of grieving. Time does help with the evolution of our adapting and our minds do become clearer with thought to allow us to make better decisions.  (HUGS)

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

It's recommended we not make major changes the first year or two,

 

5 hours ago, KMB said:

KayC relayed it spot on. Give it time, into next year, before making a major change such as moving. As long as you both have strong support systems, you will be needing that support in the upcoming months.

 

21 hours ago, darkshadowgirl said:

I am thinking of wiping the slate clean and starting over in a new city, next year. Plus a new city could be stimulating and make it interesting. What do you guys think of this plan?

You may just be right, but like my counterparts, KayC and KMB, I'd put off on the move for now.  You're trying to get through this grief journey way too fast.  You think you may have all the answers, but sometimes life changes the questions.  Just when you think you have everything figured out, you realize we don't, not really.  It's almost like the more you know, the more you realize you don't know.  The next level of your life will demand a different version of you.   For me, it's about trying to reach my true potential (whatever that is).  Right now, I'm focused on getting though the most difficult time of my life and taking on challenges that will hopefully help me grow and get OK again.  The rest is still unknown and that's OK; I don't know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future - God. 

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17 hours ago, darkshadowgirl said:

Exactly same boat. I too have a strong support system here, but like you I'm also not making any decisions till next year. And I also dread the long dark winter. How long ago was your loss?

 

I can't even enter our house. I haven't set foot in there since it happened. I don't know if I could live there without him. To many memories. But selling everything is like another death. It's going to be painful. 

My loss was 8 weeks ago.  It's been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and still very raw.

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I wouldn't want to move away from a strong support system.  I DON'T have a strong support system and I wish I did!  It's one of the most important things you can have.  We do learn to adjust and cope with our loss eventually, but it's much easier done with support.  My kids are grown and moved away, living their own lives, my one sister who lives here isn't able to be of support to me as she's disabled, doesn't drive more than a block or two.  My mom has passed away.  It's hard on your own.

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

 It's hard on your own.

It definitely is. Even though my daughter is living with me right now, it won't be forever. I'm so afraid of getting too emotionally dependent on her being here and I don't want to find myself back to ground zero like I was when my husband passed either. Finding a balance with that issue is hard and I only have a few people as a support system. :(

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