I'm 36 years old and I was with my husband for 14 years or so, since we meet at 23. It was instant. He moved in 3 weeks after we met. We've been together for the most part since. We did have some REALLY rough times in our relationship, but we always came back together. He was my everything, my life, I lived and breathed to see him everyday. I know other people here know exactly what I am talking about. The last few years of our relationship where they best they ever were. We had everything, money, house, jobs. We were traveling the world. We were supposed to goto Japan in September and this week we were supposed to be road tripping in Idaho. obviously Idaho is not happening now.  I may goto Japan still with my SIL, as I still need to keep living my dreams.  But he had a dark side he was hiding. Paralyzing anxiety. He never ever talked about suicide the whole time anyone knew him. In fact he never really seemed to many issues with depression that I KNEW of. But in the last 6 months, he started talking about his paralyzing anxiety, anxiety over almost anything and everything, strangers talking to him, work,  his unstable family, he did mention it seemed to be getting worse. A few months ago he came to my room and broke down and said he was doing really bad and even said he had suicidal thoughts, I asked him " Are you going to take action on these thoughts?" and he said no. I chalked it up to having rough period and everyone when feeling bad can have some passing thoughts of suicide. We called a counselor on the phone and she asked him "are you going to harm yourself?" he said no. She asked him questions about his anxiety, but ultimately he didn't know why he was feeling that way. He also said to her, almost proudly "I am very good at hiding it". The last 6-8 weeks had been wonderful, we were hiking, climbing, camping and he even said he was happy on our trips. He never once brought anything up again about not feel good, and acted completely normal even up to the last day, joking and laughing and playing video games with me.  He ended his life with his gun in his car before entering work. We suspect it was impulsive, but we will never know.  I wish I had taken it more seriously, I wish I had thought about his gun when he said suicide.  I am a week in to this and I am very scared. Reading these forums have been helpful, in that I know my feelings are not completely unique, but scary that some people stories are also seem hopeless. I need hope. I read this thread "How long does this last?" by Donna 7431 and AceBasin has some very helpful feedback, that most people posting on this forum are 0-1year acute phase of the grief and that is why that is the major reason all the posts seem a bit hopeless as most people are still in acute phase. After the 1 year mark most posters stop as things get better, which makes sense. That is a bit hopeful.   I don't know what to do with myself and I can't think about the future. I haven't been back to our house and I don't know if I can reenter it. I am staying with my SIL for now. I am basically homeless now since I can't go home. It's all so overwhelming. I am on FMLA at work so I have some time before I have to think about that yet.  Sometimes the pain is so unbearable I want to kill myself too. Like the pain just washes over me and it feels like a 1000 knives cutting into my chest, it's so painful I just want it to stop and I don't want to go through this. I squeeze my hands and move my legs. I don't know where to sit or be. I do have some medications that take the edge off and in the evening sometimes the pain will stop for just a few hours before bed and I will hide in my room and read books about grief and just be in a my 'safe space'. But first thing in the morning I wake up with a gasp as the pain immidiately washes over me when I open my eyes. I am so tired all the time sometimes I just want to lay down. I kind of wander aimlessly around, I have been doing thinks like walking to the park with friends and trying to keep somewhat active. But soon also my friends are going to have to go back to work and I will start to be alone. But sometimes being alone is not bad as their presence can't change the way I feel.  I have a good support group and my friends have been supportive in this first week and they have been near me, it helps a little, but not much they can do. I've been to counselors too but there is nothing anybody they can say to me to make this better. What do I do in these first few weeks? What did other people do in these first so painful days and weeks? How did you cope? Any coping suggestions, help, ideas? When did it start to get better? Do I just keep busy? When were you able to go back to work, function? How long does it last? Will I ever be functional again? Are there any hopeful stories on here that can be shared? I am also thinking of checking myself in to a ward or going to this grief retreat www.goldenwillowretreat.com as I feel this is going to get worse to where I can't bare it anymore and just need to get checked in.  Does anyone know anything or have any reviews about Golden Willow Retreat also?