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Fear after death of my mother


Ljilja4ever

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Ljilja4ever

Hi, I am new to this forums. I hope I will find answers to my questions here. I am afraid for my health and well being after death of my mother.

I am now a child without parents. Both of my parents died. After sudden death of my father from cardiac arrest, 6 years ago, it felt like my mother have died too. She fell into depression and I constantly tried to pull her out of it. I tried to hep her find new joy in life. She was always telling me how she wants to die and be with my father again.

She was of very fragile health back then because she just overcame another battle with cancer. She was battling cancer for 13years. Each time when cancer would strike she would fight it with all her strength and chemotherapy and hospitals were a new normal for us.Whenever cancer would go away we knew after 2 years it would come back, each time stronger then before.

Deep down in the darkest place of my mind I always knew my mother will die from cancer. 

What other people saw as tragic we ( my mother and I ) saw it as a normal life. Hospital beds became my mothers other home, doctors and nurses became our family. There would be no visiting hours for us, I could come to the hospital whenever I wanted and leave whenever I want to. Somehow they tolerated us like we are a part of their family. 

Last year my mother sold my childhood home and she moved into tiny, grey, old apartment. This apartment is synonym for suffering, cancer pain, tears, depression, grief. Steps that lead to that apartment are synonym of all bad. I feel dizzy when I need to go into that apartment. Since my mother had a lot of debts after her death I had to leave this apartment to the bank. I was not sad I was happy to give it away because it brought a lot of negative feelings into my life.

Last week my mother died in the hospital bed from respiratory arrest pneumonia caused by chemotherapy. She was undergoing chemo since last year in October. I realized just few days ago, before her death, that she is already amost one year constantly on chemo. She was constantly without her hair, for a woman that was investing a lot into her looks it was a big tragedy. Last week I had to clean her apartment from all of her personal stuff so bank can take the apartment over. 

I found tissues on her bed, next to a picture of me and my father, she cried a lot, from pain and from sadness. I found lock of her hair in her bathroom which she cut when she found out she will loose once again all of her hair. This apartment was full of pain. Everywhere you looked there was a trace of pain, pain from cancer, there were bottles of morphine pills all around. 

Horrible.

Three months before her death one doctor told me this time my mother will loose her battle and she has three more months to live. I did not want to believe him so I went to ask a doctor that was treating my mother for 13 years, she could not find the strength to tell me the truth so she just told me they are still fighting for my mothers life. After that talk she was avoiding me and my phone calls. I still tried to be positive while having fear of the worst. I developed insomnia and anxiety. I ended up on pills to treat my anxiety.

My mother suffered from terrible pain but she have learned to live with it. She started to get wounds on her body from cancer. This also become part of her life. She did not talk much about it. We spoke normally about things in life while I kept having fear of loosing her in the back of my head.I used to have nightmares of my mothers death. I dreamed that she is calling me and she can not breathe.

Day before she died, in the evening we texted each other and I told her to be strong and brave tomorrow morning in the hospital on her monthly check up. She told me I will, I have to. She told me do not be sad - which was out of context and strange but I just ignored it because I did not want to admit to her that I am sad and afraid. 

Next day I kept blowing up her phone and sending tons of text msgs but there was no reply. In the evening I called the hospital and they told me she came alone to the hospital but with a bad cough ( she never told me something is wrong) and they placed her into treatment and now she is stable and sleeping from the medicine they gave her to stop the bad cough and respiratory problems.

I was crying that evening but still tried to be positive. Around 10:30 pm- something in me broke out of a sudden, I felt terrible terror and cold inside of my chest, like something broke and was released and I bursted into tears. Phone started to ring and I saw hospital number I knew my mother is dead. I answered while holding my husbands hand, even before they managed to tell me that she has passed away, I started to cry.

In the following days I felt sudden relief and peace around me. I felt like finally my mother can sleep and rest together with my father. I felt everything is okay.

But the worst thing that could happen to me- happened. For some reason without asking me anything, when I came to hospital to sign some papers, one of the hospital staff took me somewhere, they told me to go with them, I did not ask because I was sad and feeling very down. Out of a sudden I found myself in cold, grey hallway standing in front of the doors where it said pathology - I looked to my left and in horror saw my mother laying on the table. I did not see her face only her legs and I quickly turned in terror, covered my face and started to cry. I do not know how I managed to rush out of there...I felt like I will die.Since then I felt such fear inside of me, surrounding me. 

Since then I am afraid in the evening to fall asleep. I am afraid of mirrors because I feel like I will see something, someone, cancer patient without hair staring at me not being able to  breathe. I am afraid of dark, I have this eerie feeling. I am terrified.

I feel like I am going crazy. Once or twice I felt like I can hear someone talking ( my husband  or my in laws) but then I would realize it is just my head. I am afraid ...terrified...but only at night. When I lay in my bed I can see hospital hallways, hospital lights, cancer patients in front of my eyes, wounds, pain...suffering...like hell on earth.

I am terrified of the day that I will have to be alone all day and a part of the evening until my husband doesn't come home.

Why is this happening to me? How can I help myself?

Perhaps it is important to let you guys know that I had very rocky and strange relationship to my mother. She always resented me because I got married and moved away from her to another country. She always blamed me for everything and I spent last of her days trying to make her happy. I did a lot to make her happy. I fought her battles for her and tried to help her find joy in life. I never managed to make her happy. 

 

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Dear Ljilja

Please accept my deepest condolences for you loss. Your mother was so blessed to have you as her daughter. I'm so sorry for what you have been going though. May I suggest you seek professional help to help you overcome your fears. Please know that you are not alone in this journey. We at here to support you. We are here to listen. We are here for you.

Take care. Sending you lots of HUGS. 

May

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