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Confused23

Loss of a Grandparent

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Hello,

I am writing today because every time when I think that my grandmother had been better and will try to move forward after the loss of my grandfather, I always seem to be wrong. I loss my grandpa on December 16. Days before Christmas and before his birthday which was the 28th. It was a sudden loss as he was scheduled a bypass surgery but the doctors have ensured that it will be an easy and successful operation. We were supposed to have the surgery done on January but my grandpa wanted to move it before Christmas so that he will be at home to celebrate with us. My last day with him was just a normal day. I remember dropping him off at the hospital and my last conversation with him was about helping him talk to the nurse while he's laying on the hospital bed about the medications he had been taking. That was it. I didn't even get a chance to hug him because I had to go out and fetch my grandpa's brother to see him. I hated hospitals so I don't like staying there for long. And because we thought that it was a minor operation since he had survived worst operations. We weren't as worried. I never had a chance to say a proper goodbye and hugged him. Or even say I love you. I went to work that day and got home late at around 10 pm. My co worker and I were even talking about that surgery and I was telling my co worker it's a minor surgery and that he will be alright. But for some reason, there's still that unknown feeling I was feeling at that time. When I got home, my grandma received a call saying he got out of surgery but he isn't recovering well. We drove and rushed to the hospital and that was the worst night of my life. He died in the morning of 12/16. And i remember driving my family back home, and I was throwing up while I was driving because everything felt unreal. How a person's life could change within seconds or minutes or hours. Now months have passed, and I have been better. I learned how to hide that memory within me and to distract myself. However, my grandma couldn't. Even with the help of pills, which she refused to take every day, couldnt help her. This morning she said my grandpa was with her last night as she smelled his scent and she was telling him "that she loves him and that she will never be happy anymore." And that he should just take her with him. She doesnt have the will to live. Even if she has two daughters and a grandchild still here. It hurts when she says that because I feel like we don't matter to her. We don't even know how to help her. We are here for her. But we are also battling our own demons. I recently graduated from my Masters and I'm stressed about finding my passion and finding a job but at the same time I am personally broken. I am good at hiding it but I feel broken. So I don't know how I could help her if I don't know how and if I have to help myself too. How can i help someone who doesn't want to be helped? My grandpa, grandma, mom, my aunt, and I all lived in the same house. My dad left us for another family and my grandpa had been my father. My mom and I moved here in the US 9 years ago and that was the only time I had with my grandpa. Those 9 years. But he acted as a father figure to me. Now there are only 4 of us in the house. I don't know how to help my grandma. I don't know how to save someone who doesn't want to be saved?

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Dear Confused23,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your beloved grandfather. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain and sorrow is deep. It is so devastating. I know you love your grandmother very much and want to help her with her grief. It is hard to know what will help. At this difficult time, don't put too much on your shoulders. Tell her you love her and will be there for her, but maybe that is all that can be done. She lost her life partner and the mind just goes in circles for a long time. Please know we all grieve differently.

I don't know if she is open to the idea of counselling or grief support. Or reading different books or articles on the web. I personally like the website the Grief Healing Blog and What's Your Grief.

Please know we are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Take care my friend. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

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It is hard to lose someone you love, especially a beloved grandparent.  My grandma died in January of this year.  It has been and up and down battle of emotions since then inside me.  Just being there for your grandmother is a blessing.  Hug her, love her.  Even sitting in silence with her may be comforting.  But do not forget yourself in this either.  Take time for you to work through your grief.

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theRTRP   

I lost my grandma on july 11th of this year. I am broken but i hide it. In my world there is no room for pain. I can't go on. I don't know how to continue. That is why i joined here, somehow i could break my facade a little, tell about my anguish. 

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