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Advice needed in helping a friend who is now a widow


Sakina

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My friend recently became a widow when her husband passed away from cancer. I'll call her Connie here. It happened so quickly that those of us who feel her pain are still in shock too. She has very young children. I'll never get the image of our toddlers holding hands in front of the grave as the digger flattened the grave's earth out of my mind. Sometimes when I watch Connie I feel sad because I think she's in survival mode and not getting the time she needs to grieve. It seems as time passes, friends and family return to their own lives and priorities. As a friend, I still try to do the best I can. I'm posting in this forum because I think she may need a support network who truly understand the pain and how dark her days are. I want to introduce her to this thread and to encourage her to use this as a safe place. To be able to log on when her little ones are sleeping and when she's feeling low. To just read, absorb the words of comfort and advice...  and maybe eventually write too.

So, please leave a note to say hello/a message of support/links to anything that has helped you - especially if you're a parent of young children. I plan to send this thread to her. In hope that it will make her feel less alone in those dark hours.

Thank you,

Saki x

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I am so very sorry for your loss. Even though we have all lost spouses on this forum, everyone's journey is unique and different. I AM glad you found this forum. It is a safe space for you to come. You will find understanding without judgement. I lost my wife to a sudden heart attack on 04/01/17 at the age of 46. This road you now walk can be frightening but we are here to provide whatever advice, wisdom, and help we can to help guide you. What you feel now(sadness, fear, despair, anger, regret, loneliness) is natural and normal in grief. You are not alone in this. You may feel these feelings one at a time or sometimes all at once. And, to be sure, they can sneak out of nowhere when you least expect it. Please come here anytime you need to talk as we are here to listen. I found it comforting to read the posts and know that what I was experiencing was not strange or out of the ordinary. I found peace in knowing that there were others that understood what I felt. Because, sadly, only those that have lost a spouse can truly understand that grief. I am praying for you that you will have peace and comfort on this journey

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2 hours ago, Sakina said:

My friend recently became a widow when her husband passed away from cancer. I'll call her Connie here. It happened so quickly that those of us who feel her pain are still in shock too. She has very young children. I'll never get the image of our toddlers holding hands in front of the grave as the digger flattened the grave's earth out of my mind. Sometimes when I watch Connie I feel sad because I think she's in survival mode and not getting the time she needs to grieve. It seems as time passes, friends and family return to their own lives and priorities. As a friend, I still try to do the best I can. I'm posting in this forum because I think she may need a support network who truly understand the pain and how dark her days are. I want to introduce her to this thread and to encourage her to use this as a safe place. To be able to log on when her little ones are sleeping and when she's feeling low. To just read, absorb the words of comfort and advice...  and maybe eventually write too.

So, please leave a note to say hello/a message of support/links to anything that has helped you - especially if you're a parent of young children. I plan to send this thread to her. In hope that it will make her feel less alone in those dark hours.

Thank you,

Saki x

I'm so sorry for your friend and know her pain.  Life can be so unfair and full of disappointments, failures and setbacks.  None of those things will permanently stop her.  She has the power in her to overcome anything life throws at her and there's nothing as powerful as a *made up* mind.  It's awesome she has a friend like you and I hope you and others  support her in ways that matter most to her.  No person, situation or circumstance can define who she is.  It's not going to be easy for her; I imagine it's going to be really, really hard and she'll have some very difficult days ahead, but someday the pain won't be so intense and the suffering so unbearable.  Be there for her and encourage her not to give up, cave in, or stop believing that she will make it through this horrific order.  It's not over until she wins, and with a friend like you, she's on the right track.  When I came to this forum, I was at rock bottom and very lonely and distraught; for all practical purposes, my world had ended.  This forum welcomed me with encouraging uplifting words that showed me I was not alone and there were many who had walked in my shoes; that in itself was very comforting. 

Whenever Connie is ready, I hope she visits this forum; we are like family here and every family has a story to tell; welcome to ours.

 
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@Francine @Eagle-96 I just want to thank you both for writing. I'm heartbroken for your losses too - there are never the right words for this. 

I wanted to let you know that I sent this thread to Connie and she sounds open to joining (once I've taught her how to use forums). She said she's scared to join because of the pain it'll open up. 

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2 hours ago, Sakina said:

I wanted to let you know that I sent this thread to Connie and she sounds open to joining (once I've taught her how to use forums). She said she's scared to join because of the pain it'll open up.

Oh I'm so happy she's open to joining us; I know she's scared, so was I, but taking that first step is so important and I commend her for that.  I'm not going to sugar-coat or tip-toe around it, but she will need to prepare herself for all types of emotions; I think it goes along with the territory.  The reality is she will probably grieve the loss of her husband forever and that, for me, is something I'm willing to do.  She will learn how to live without him and build herself around her loss. With any luck, she will be made whole again but she will never be the same.  I think one of the hardest part of healing after losing someone you love is recovering the *you* that died with them.    It amazes me how God brings people into our lives at the right time.  People who not only have walked your shoes, but who are there to cry with you, scream with you, get angry with you, love, support and pray with you regardless of your circumstances and what you're going through.   We're family here; family is not always blood.  It's the people who accept you for who you are; the people who would do anything to see you happy and who are there for you no matter what.

Again, I am so sorry for her loss and know that we all will get though this someday, and somehow. 

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Sakina, I'm so sorry for your friends loss and your loss as well. You are truly acting as a loving, supportive friend in her time of need. We so often lose family and friends as time goes on and they go back to their own lives. We need support for many months, even years, down this lonely road of grieving. i sincerely hope your friend does join this forum. We all know pain. I lost my husband of 25 years to sudden cardiac arrest. I was in shock for a long time. The denial kicked in and I was fighting a losing battle with all the emotions associated with grieving. Your friend will be in pain whether she joins us here or not. The only way through is to face the pain, the other emotions, head on. Their is no way of circumventing the grieving process. To try to block it, will bring disastrous results when it finally surfaces. I hope, in time when ready, your friend will consider grief counseling for herself and the children.  Keep being the loving, supportive friend you have been. We all need at least one person who will stick with us through this devastating, lonely journey.

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