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OneDayAtATime

Feel like I'm drifting after dad's passing

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Hello all,

My dad passed away about 6 months ago from liver cancer. He was diagnosed in November and died 5 weeks later. It took everyone by surprise, even him. The doctor told us he would have at least 6-8 months with chemo, but he only made it to 1 chemo appointment. He was 65 years old, and I was 25 at the time.

Everything seems out of focus now. My dad was truly my stability, my "calm in the storm." He knew everything about EVERYTHING and would always be there to help me, no matter what. I feel like I've lost my anchor and I'm just drifting in the emptiness now. My mom was very dependent on my dad and I have kind of replaced him in terms of taking care of her and making sure finances and the house are squared away. She is so depressed but refuses to talk to a therapist. I'm doing whatever I can to help out but I'm still trying to process things in my own way.

I'm not sure what I hope to get out of writing this post. Maybe just talking to people who might understand more of what I'm going through will help. I do what I can to face the day and live my life how my dad would want me to, but it just gets really difficult to deal with at times. I have my dad's voice in the back of my head guiding me and telling me what I need to hear, but it can never replace the real thing.  He won't be there to walk me down the aisle, see his grandchildren grow up, or help me buy my first house. He is missing out on so much of my life. It hurts to know that anyone that I meet in my life after this point will never get to meet my dad at all. I miss him so much.

 

Thank you for listening, I really appreciate it.

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Sorry for you loss. I can relate, my mom passed away two weeks ago. I'm still in shock. Nights are difficult. I wake up in the middle of the night not knowing what to do. I don't think my brain has fully comprehend the fact that my mom is gone. I'm lost. I know I'll always miss my mom, I just hope that someday, I can look back and enjoy all the wonderful memories we shared. I Love You Mom!!!

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Hello OneDayAtATime,

Your post really resonated with my situation. It is truly awful. My dad was also my hero, best friend and confidant. He never judged, only loved. Losing him 8 months ago has caused indescribable pain. I have found that unfortunately those that are close, can't understand how you are feeling, or are grieving in a different way. It has been lonely. I wish I could pass on some infinite wisdom on grief and how to deal with it, but I've found that it is like going out to sea... one minute it's calm, and you're content looking at the beautiful horizon, the next you're wondering if you should jump ship so as not deal with the constant onslaught of lashing and hurtful waves.

I do know one thing though, my dad would of hated for me to have not lived my life. It will be painful not having him walk me down the aisle, or meeting any children I have. In situations like this and without the support of our other parent it is tough, but we owe it to our lost loved ones and to ourselves to get out of bed (when we can) and try our best. It will never be the same, but we have to find a way to live. I know this will be of little help. It helped me knowing that I was not alone in this particular type of grief. I wish you all the best.

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I feel your pain and now what you are going through.  My father passed away 8 weeks ago and I still cannot grasp that he is gone.  I miss him so much, his smile, his laugh.  I'm also not sure why I came to this site.  Maybe for comfort to know I am not alone.  I cry all the time, I'm sad all the time.  I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.  I wish I could join him in Heaven, if there is such a place.  I wish I had the faith my father had. 

Onedayatatime - My heart aches for you to lose your father so young.  I cannot even imagine how i could ever have dealt with his loss at such a young age.  My dad had a full life, he lived to 88 - and I am grateful for that, but the pain we all feel is the same.  Friends can't really help, everyone says the same thing - he was old, it will get better, your dad would want you to be happy...etc. etc.  None of it really helps.  I just grieve alone.  Oh my God, I miss so much.

 

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Dear OneDayataTime,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your beloved dad. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it hurts a lot. I'm with you, my friend. 9 months later and I still struggle to accept what happened with my dad.

Good of you to help your mom. Its a very difficult time and we all do the best we can. Try not to push your mom too hard. Its a terrible shock for all of you. I think it takes the mind and body a very long time to come to terms with our new normal. A normal that no one wants. Please know that everything you are feeling and thinking is normal part of grief.

I have found these websites helpful: What's Your Grief and The Grief Healing Blog.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here for you. Thinking of you and your mom. Sending all m thoughts and prayers.

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I too  just lost my dad who was my best friend and everyone keeps telling me it gets easier over time and I don't think it's true my dad passed away two months ago and every day it seems harder and harder I feel like I'm a lost soul just wandering around but I know if I write down my memories that I have of me and him together and helps me a lot good or bad memories just know he will always be with you he is going to always be the light at the end of your tunnel I mean I catch a poem I want you to bring it it it helps me everyday

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OneDayAtATime,

Our stories are eerily similar. I lost my dad to lung cancer 2 months ago this Friday. He was 66, I was 25, & just turned 26 almost a month ago. He was diagnosed in July of last year, so he made it about 10 months, but towards the end he was on hospice, & my sister in law & I had to do everything for him. 

My dad also knew everything about everything, & was my lighthouse when I was lost at sea. Now I too am drifting. My mom has Borderline Personality Disorder, & she & my Dad were separated shortly before his diagnosis. She & I were estranged, but I am trying to create some kind of boundaries that allow her to be in my life in some capacity, because my dad wanted me to.

I didn't know what I was looking for either, until I saw your post. I realized I just wanted to find someone who had a clue what I'm going through. I know exactly what you mean. I literally have to drag myself put of bed everyday because I know thats what my dad wants, but sometimes the grief is utterly crippling & paralyzing.

I too am left with all the lessons he taught me & the wisdom he instilled in me, but it will never measure up to having him here in person. I was engaged when he got his diagnosis, so my fiance, now husband, & I rushed to the courthouse so my Dad could at least be present for the ceremony, but he never got to walk me down the aisle either. My 2 older brothers are done having kids, but my dad will never meet mine either. He's going to miss me graduating with my Master's, & he won't be there to give me advice when my husband & I buy our first house either. 

Say I live until I'm 75, that's 2/3 of my life that I'll have to live without him. The thought of that is exhausting & crushing.

I don't know if you'll read or respond to this, I hope you do, but if you don't, know that you're not alone in what you are going through. We will both spend the rest of our lives getting through this.

Megan

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