Regret is a Terrible Thing

[Lora]

I've always dealt with death pretty well - but that's probably because I was never responsible for it and realized it was out of my control.  But Sunday night, I was directly responsible for the death of a truly special family cat.  MoMo and his brother Bibs were found as kittens by my mother dumped as strays in a park three years ago.  Our family was still getting over the loss of my mom's mom that year and I always felt like those two cats were little angels that had been left for us to find by my grandmother after she passed. They brought light back into the house - the coolest cats ever, attached at the hip - full of energy, antics, and love for us and eachother - they ate together, slept together, groomed each other and even at age 3, now about years later, played with eachother like kittens.  They were a pair and my parent's semi-retired lives revolved around them.  

Initially they were indoor cats only as we realize the dangers of letting cats outdoors - but Bibs had a marking issue that was not related to any health problems.  After $3000 spent cleaning carpets, even the vet suggested letting both cats outside - they have always been the highest energy cats I've ever known.  At first they went for walks on leashes - when my dad was getting over heart surgery this became a twice daily routinue of theirs for months.  Then we started walking with them off leash - keeping them within sight.  About a year ago, it graduated to letting them roam unattended - but they were always rounded up and brought inside before night fell.  

I have been my parent's pet sitter for the past three years - they travel about 10 weeks out of the year so I have spent a lot of time with Bibs and Momo - they are my babies too.  One of the cats, Momo, had been getting progressively worse at straying away from the house for long periods of time.  On several occasions over the past year I had found myself frantically calling and searching for him as darkness was falling - usually to no avail.  He'd always stroll in by 9:30/10 PM at night though, our usual bedtime.  I even ordered a pet tracking device for him for Christmas as a gift to my mom - but it was defective - we sent it back to the manufacturer and they never sent a replacement, I never followed up on it.  My parent's left for a dream vacation to Ireland on Friday.  I had the cats on their routinue of going out in the morning which is when my parents always let them out - usually they are home by noon.  I got them in Saturday morning and they were safe.  But then I made the first bad decision to go out drinking at a friend's house that night - and spend the night there as I couldn't drive home (cats had lots of food).  I actually didn't get home until late the next day (6 PM), 3 hours before nightfall but after the cats had been cooped up since noon the day before and off their routinue - and made a stupid decision to let them out because I felt bad for them.  Then I went to take a nap - AND FELL ASLEEP FOR 2 HOURS - waking up at 9:30 PM - after darkness had fallen.  Bibs was home but of course MoMo was nowhere to be seen.  You would think I would have run outside to start looking for him, but for the first time ever I didn't bother.  I remember feeling helpless like he had probably already been in and out to eat and we didn't even have any good flashlights, the neighbors were asleep and I didn't want to wake them calling for him, it was dark and creepy out...etc.  So I sat by the door and waited for him - had some work to catch up on.  Every hour on the hour I went out and called for him to come in but never made more than a half-ass attempt to go search for him until the sun came up at 5 AM - still telling myself not to worry for some reason.  I checked the neighbor's garages and investigated every speck of white I saw.  Until I had this horrible thought that maybe he had gone to the road - he was afraid of cars and it was pretty far away from the house so we had always assumed he'd stay away from it...I went for a drive just to calm my mind.  But I saw him instantly, right where I would think he would be if he was headed home - he made it off the road but was motionless on the sidewalk -it was not a pretty sight.  

Then I made the mistake of calling my parents on their trip to tell them the news - they were so devasted they canceled the rest of the trip two days into it and flew home and we're all miserable.  I saw these cats growing old together with my parents - I never ever had pictured Bibs without MoMo.  Bibs has never been alone.  I hate myself.  I let everyone down.  Can't stop crying, can't sleep, can't work, can't eat, keep obsessively watching Bibs to see if he's missing his brother.  MoMo was 3 years old.  It's unforgiveable.  I know it was always a danger to let them free roam, and it was naive of us to think he'd never cross the road (course the street is quieter at night, that's why it was so important to get him home before dark - and that with all the animals out at night to hunt).  But I've never dealt with guilt/regret like this before in my life and I have no idea how to cope with it.  Made an appointment with a therapist.  Pets are like children - we always have to be one step ahead of them, and I failed him and my family.  And I just can't believe how the first time I let my guard down and chose not to worry, the universe punished me with the worst possible consequence.  I literally had no regrets in my life before this happened.  My dad just dug a hole in the yard for him and we are burying him this afternoon.  I just don't know how I'll ever get over what I've done, or if I even deserve to.                

[KayC]

You are blaming yourself for your cat's death, but it could have happened at any time in any way, in your parent's care, not just yours.  I am so sorry for your cat's demise, and for the horror you now have indelibly etched into your brain.  Things like that are hard to shake.  You are not alone in your feelings, it is part of grief.  We wonder "what if" as if we're trying to rewrite the outcome.  We blame ourselves but the truth is we love our animals and would never knowingly do anything to hurt them, we'd protect them with all our might if only we could.  There are some cats that would never be content staying inside...I know Jackson (My Cat from Hell) never recommends it, but when you adopt a cat that has spent years outside, they persistently screech at the door wanting to be let out relentlessly.  We want them to be happy, so we comply, never thinking it'd end this way.  

I hope these articles will be of help to you.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[Lora]

Thank you so much for your heartfelt response.  "but the truth is we love our animals and would never knowingly do anything to hurt them, we'd protect them with all our might if only we could." - so true, I never left the house once in three years without double checking to make sure the cats were inside and safe before I went out the door or went to bed at night. And also, "we do the best we can with our understanding at the time, and when we know better, we do better. Given the stress you were under at the time and how exhausted you may have been, you were doing the best you could. You were basing whatever you did on what you knew, given the information available to you then," from one of your posts.  That hit home.    

[KayC]

It is very hard to make our way through grief, I've lost my husband and many pets, both parents...it doesn't get easier but we do get better at coping and adjusting.  The intensity/pain lessens in time but we never stop missing them.

[Lora]

So sorry...