Members ph3mm3 Posted June 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2017 I went through initial shock , then through numbness, the anger, denial, sadness and then again denial .To be completely honest , I'm not sure that my mind have completely accepted the fact that he's gone. That this is a situation without the way out. That this is not a bad dream or just a black phase in my life. Anyway now I find myself stuck in , I think, the most disturbing and twisted part of grieving . That is the fear of letting go. To be exact letting the pain go. Since, well, that's the only 'real' thing he left behind .So I grabbed it and I hold it tight. I wrapped it around my exhausted body like it is some kind of safety blanket. And even though it hurts so much that I scream and punch the wholes sometimes, even if it destroys me, leaves visible traces on my body, shatters my soul, even if it feels like a stone one my chest that is always there and prevents me from breathing freely....I realized or at least it feels like the pain is just another version, different form of love. And my god .....I am so terrified of stop loving him.It's like until it hurts, until it tears me apart, he is still with me.I am not sure if I make any sense....I just want to say that I absolutely dread the day when the pain is gone, because...well... it's all I have now. I wonder if anyone of you feel or felt this way. and how do you deal with it? Many thanks, Jenny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 29, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted June 29, 2017 Welcome to our grief family, I hope you find some comfort here, you have plenty of understanding company. I am so sorry for your loss. It is not our grief that holds us to them, it is our love, and that continues. Believing with all of my heart we will be together again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted June 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted June 29, 2017 9 hours ago, ph3mm3 said: I went through initial shock , then through numbness, the anger, denial, sadness and then again denial .To be completely honest , I'm not sure that my mind have completely accepted the fact that he's gone. That this is a situation without the way out. That this is not a bad dream or just a black phase in my life. Anyway now I find myself stuck in , I think, the most disturbing and twisted part of grieving . That is the fear of letting go. To be exact letting the pain go. Since, well, that's the only 'real' thing he left behind .So I grabbed it and I hold it tight. I wrapped it around my exhausted body like it is some kind of safety blanket. And even though it hurts so much that I scream and punch the wholes sometimes, even if it destroys me, leaves visible traces on my body, shatters my soul, even if it feels like a stone one my chest that is always there and prevents me from breathing freely....I realized or at least it feels like the pain is just another version, different form of love. And my god .....I am so terrified of stop loving him.It's like until it hurts, until it tears me apart, he is still with me.I am not sure if I make any sense....I just want to say that I absolutely dread the day when the pain is gone, because...well... it's all I have now. I wonder if anyone of you feel or felt this way. and how do you deal with it? Many thanks, Jenny Jenny, I'm so sorry for your loss and know too well your pain. I've been there, not to say I'm a pro at this, but I know the pain you refer to. My Charles and I were truly blessed to have 45 years together and the reality of knowing it's gone is unimaginable, unthinkable, devastating. I haven't been able to let go; nor do I want to; it may sound crazy, but the pain keeps me focus on what I loved and lost the most - my Charles (if that makes any sense). Pain changes people; it makes them trust less; overthink more and shut people out. I keep the pain within me because I'd rather the pain destroy me than anyone else - I know that's not a good or healthy frame of mind to be in but that's where my head is now. I'm embarking on the part of this journey where my feelings are not necessarily sad, but very lonely and empty. Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I've sat in my room and cried my eyes out; how many times I've lost hope and have been let down. Nobody knows how many times I had to hold back the tears; how many times I felt as though I was about to snap, but don't for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that have gone through my head whenever I'm sad and how horrible they really are. People, will tell you "It gets better? - WHEN; they will tell you, "It will be OK", - NO IT WON'T; or "I'm here for you" - WHERE? As gloomy as it sounds, I don't think we are meant to stay wounded and in pain. I think God wants us to move through out tragedies and challenges and help others move through the many painful episodes of their lives. I feel if we were to remain stuck in the power of our wounds, we block our own transformation. We overlook the gifts inherent in our wounds -- the strength to overcome them and the lessons we are meant to receive through them. Wounds are the means through which we enter the hearts of other people. They are meant to teach us to become compassionate and mindful of others. There are very painful moments in our lives that will change our entire world in a second - this is one of them. These moments will change YOU. Let them make you stronger, smarter, and considerate. But don't become someone you're not. Cry, Scream if you have to. Then straighten up and keep moving. I am a stronger believer in God and prayer I have had a lot of sleepless nights; when that happens, I sometimes wonder if God is saying "We need to talk and now you have the time". Stay strong because you are strong. It is no accident that you are here on this forum at this day and time. It's where you are meant to be and know that you can come here whenever you need to. I'm praying that God gives you the strength, and peace you need to make it through this horrific ordeal; HE will, open your heart and invite HIM in, HE will do the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted July 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2017 Jenny, I am sorry for your loss. Sorry for another pain wracked soul to seek out this unwanted club of grievers.I lost my precious husband almost 11 months ago. I carry that dark cloud of sadness and pain with me. Maybe the pain will slowly fade over time, but I don't think the loneliness ever will. I'm missing the other half of my heart and soul. i will never be complete until I am reunited with him in Heaven. You will never stop loving your beloved. Your heart and mind will not allow that to happen. The pain will lessen, but the love bond is always there.That bond of love will keep you and your beloved always spiritually linked together. A virtual HUG going out to you. This forum is a safe place to land when you feel the need to reach out to others who *get it*. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BSL Posted July 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 2, 2017 On 6/29/2017 at 11:08 AM, ph3mm3 said: I went through initial shock , then through numbness, the anger, denial, sadness and then again denial .To be completely honest , I'm not sure that my mind have completely accepted the fact that he's gone. That this is a situation without the way out. That this is not a bad dream or just a black phase in my life. Anyway now I find myself stuck in , I think, the most disturbing and twisted part of grieving . That is the fear of letting go. To be exact letting the pain go. Since, well, that's the only 'real' thing he left behind .So I grabbed it and I hold it tight. I wrapped it around my exhausted body like it is some kind of safety blanket. And even though it hurts so much that I scream and punch the wholes sometimes, even if it destroys me, leaves visible traces on my body, shatters my soul, even if it feels like a stone one my chest that is always there and prevents me from breathing freely....I realized or at least it feels like the pain is just another version, different form of love. And my god .....I am so terrified of stop loving him.It's like until it hurts, until it tears me apart, he is still with me.I am not sure if I make any sense....I just want to say that I absolutely dread the day when the pain is gone, because...well... it's all I have now. I wonder if anyone of you feel or felt this way. and how do you deal with it? Many thanks, Jenny Jenny, I know precisely what you mean. My wife died over 1-1/2 years ago now and although intellectually I know that the love will not diminish or allow me to forget my wife, every day that passes when I don't think about her I fear that she is slipping away. So, I hang on to the pain. But, I think there is another aspect to this. That is the acceptance of our loss. I do not want to accept that my wife is gone, that our future has been obliterated, that she will never see our boys start their careers, get married, have children of their own and hold their babies. My wife just loved babies so much! So, when there is less pain, it feels like I'm letting her go and I hate it and feel anxious. I hate the fact that I'm getting used to saying "my kids" or "my house" not "our". Maybe, in time, the emotional side will catch up with the intellectual understanding. Others have said it on this forum and we have to believe their wisdom, that, the love we have for our spouses will see us through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 2, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 2, 2017 BSL, Acceptance doesn't mean you like or agree with what happened, only that you know this is your new reality. Acceptance is necessary as part of our healing process. I used to hate the word "acceptance" because I felt it meant I was okay with it, but that's not the meaning in this application. I'll never like that he died, I will always miss him, and he continues to be the most person that had the greatest significance in my life, along with my kids. ph3mm3, We don't stop loving them or missing them, but grief evolves, it does not stay the same, the intensity lessens, thank God! We couldn't handle it if it didn't. Remember, the pain is not what holds us to them, it is our love that binds us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BSL Posted July 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 9 hours ago, KayC said: BSL, Acceptance doesn't mean you like or agree with what happened, only that you know this is your new reality. Acceptance is necessary as part of our healing process. I used to hate the word "acceptance" because I felt it meant I was okay with it, but that's not the meaning in this application. I'll never like that he died, I will always miss him, and he continues to be the most person that had the greatest significance in my life, along with my kids. ph3mm3, We don't stop loving them or missing them, but grief evolves, it does not stay the same, the intensity lessens, thank God! We couldn't handle it if it didn't. Remember, the pain is not what holds us to them, it is our love that binds us. KayC, I understand what you are saying. Does acceptance also mean we are moving forward in our new reality? The things I need to do, like work and making sure my boys are ok, I do, but moving forward with personal goals has been difficult. My wife died when we were in the middle of a whole home renovation. It was a 20 year plan, where we would retire and enjoy our future grandchildren together. Still don't have pictures up on the walls yet. I guess I wallow a bit in self pity, I don't want a new reality. KayC, were you proactive in your new reality? Or do you let time heal? B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 3, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 We progress through our grief journey day by day, trust me, you do NOT want to be stuck at the beginning! The beginning is so intense, the pain so great, no one wants to stay there! It does NOT mean we are moving on or leaving them behind. It means we are learning how to cope so we can do what we need to in life. Time alone does nothing to heal, it's what we do with that time. If we leave it to time alone, we get stuck. It is essential we are involved. Reading books, seeing a grief counselor, art therapy grief support groups, reading articles, posting/reading on forums, are ways we can help ourselves process our grief. Reaching past our comfort zone, doing positive things for ourselves, self-care. Not withdrawing. I've learned so much on this grief journey, probably more than in the rest of my life put together, but that is the silver lining to the cloud. I still do one day at a time so I don't feel overwhelmed or get hit with anxiety. Yes, I'd say we have to be proactive, definitely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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