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First trip since my husband passed...


HAB's wife

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It's been 3 months and 3 days since my husband passed away. Last week, my children, my best friend and myself went to Texas, for a wedding. I also took along my husband's cremains. We stayed in Galveston- which is an upbeat beach town and the trip seemed to make me feel a lot better, that is until the rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding. Although, the wedding was set in an entirely different location and state, with an entirely different cast of characters, I found myself comparing it to my own. I had to excuse myself and sit out in the car, for a bit. I wanted NO rain to fall on this young couple's special day and I certainly wasn't going to be the storm that brought it. I was exhausted once we reached our hotel and slept soundly with my husband, next to me in his ( yes, STILL) temporary urn. We stayed a couple more days and I stayed busy, taking my children to various tourist attractions for some summer fun. The trip home was long and with every passing mile, I began to feel dread. Although, I acknowledge what happened and even had my husband's ashes, with me....my mind still plays mean tricks and I had almost convinced myself that my husband would be at home, to welcome us, with open arms. The pit, in my stomach, said otherwise......Coming home was bittersweet. We were home, safe and sound, with our comfy beds and everything familiar but it was still SO unfamiliar. There was no unpacking, for my husband. No washing of a week's laundry, for him. No travel stories or pictures to share with or about him. Just all of our crap and a whole lot of his nothing. The only small comfort, and I mean SMALL, was that his cremains had made the journey safely there and back, with us.  Now, I'm in this five day funk. I sleep  almost constantly and can't seem to get my butt motivated. I was hoping the trip would refresh us, but it just seems to have recreated the original funeral pall that happened, at the very beginning. Should I have not gone on the trip? Was it too soon? I feel like I took two steps forward, only to be four steps back from where I was before the trip.....

 

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9 hours ago, HAB's wife said:

Coming home was bittersweet.

HAB's , I know what you mean.

Cut/Past  "When I returned home it felt good to be home(returning home has always felt good staying home is hard). I wasn’t home long (almost instantly) and I could feel that she(my wife) wasn’t their but yet she was. How can this be, and will it be this way forever?"

This is from my posting on "The cruise" in my thread their were thee postings on this subject If you care to read them just go to my thread and word search "cruise".

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I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband of 27years a month ago to a sudden heart attack. I think you are brave to even have gone. You gave your children a memory and I am sure they enjoyed their vacation. I know the  dread of driving home knowing he won't be there, there is nothing good about this journey we are all on together. I can only hope that time will lessen the pain/hopelessness that we all feel. Be proud that you took two steps forward, even if you  slipped back a bit. You are doing the best you can. 

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HAB's wife,

I think you did right in going.  Yes it brings up tears, but this is part of the grieving process, we can't avoid it, and although you can't see it now, it is progression even when it feels like you've gone backwards.  It is all part of the processing our grief.

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Good for you. I know it must have been difficult, but I'm glad you did it.  I think you made the best decision by excusing yourself when you felt the *meltdown* coming.  Why spoil everyone's joy - right? You're still relatively new to the grief journey (not that I'm a pro), but I think you are moving in the right direction for healing.  You probably thought you couldn't make it through that day, but you did; probably thought you couldn't make it through the trip home, but you did; This 5-day funk you're in, you'll make it through this as well.  You don't know your own strength.  You probably didn't think you'd get through the first day, the first week, the first month after your husband's death, but you did.  I agree; the mind will play tricks on us; deceive us; tell us what we want to here.  Listen to your heart; it knows things your mind can't explain.  I think the best decision for you was going on the trip when you did.  Since the death of your husband, would anytime have been the right time?  I think not; well for me it wouldn't have.

On 6/28/2017 at 11:53 AM, HAB's wife said:

I feel like I took two steps forward, only to be four steps back from where I was before the trip.....

Grief will do that to us.   My Charles loved to play chess and he taught our grandson who would always move his chess pieces forward. My Charles taught him that in order to win the game, you sometimes had to move backwards to take better steps forward.  I'm saying that sometimes God will take us backward in order to launch us forward.  You've had a small setback, we all have; the key is to keep moving.  You don't have to have it all figured out, just take the next step.  Often times we feel like giving up or it's just not working because we tend to look at how far we have to go instead of how far we've gotten.  I try avoiding looking forward or backward but try to look upward for God's blessing.   Stay strong because you are strong.   God bless and keep you safe; keep us all safe.

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HAB's wife, I ditto everyone's posts to you. This is a hard journey and the road is rough with pot holes, ready to trip us up and mire us down for a bit. Just try to keep doing the best you can. It is all we can do, day by day.   (HUGS)

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HAB, Sorry you had to go through this pain. Doing things without your spouse that you once did like trips is difficult. This weekend I am taking my first trip without Lori. I had a hard time with the little mundane things like packing and going to the store to pick up travel necessities. Things that seemed so insignificant but were things Lori and I always did together that I now mourn. To top it off, Sunday is the anniversary of Lori and my first date fourteen years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. Remember the butterflies in my stomach. Being nervous about the first kiss. Holding her hand. Being in a crowded restaurant but being all alone. Just the two of us. I'll be on the trip with friends that knew Lori and loved her so there will be understanding and comfort. The Hill Country is a place Lori and I always treasured and went to on vacations many times. So maybe I'll feel her there. Maybe I'll steal a glimpse of her or hear her whisper. I know there will be tears but hopefully a smile or two.

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Eagle, My thoughts of peace and comfort will be with you during this weekend of a first trip for you. I know it will not be easy, but being in the company of you and Lori's friends will hopefully bring solace and you know that Lori will be there in spirit.

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I love hearing about your first date...it brings back memories of our meeting each other.  :wub:

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Still here on the trip. It turns out we are staying at the same hotel Lori and I stayed at when we came here for her 40th birthday in 2010. I remember it like it was yesterday. Nobody knew and obviously didn't pick the hotel with any ulterior motive at hand. We also went to some places that Lori and I would go to while here. I kept looking for her as hard as I could. But you all know how that story turns out. I steal away and find moments alone to cry but put that mask back on as quick as I can. I certainly don't want to put a damper on anyone's fun. Tomorrow it's back to the daily grief grind. I'll get back on the roller coaster and strap in but today I'm gonna choose to think about the good times. I might even smile.

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Eagle,

That's hard.  I'd prefer those trigger moments hit when I'm alone to deal with them privately, but it doesn't always work that way.  You might mention that Lori and you stayed there, just so they know why you suddenly got quiet, I'm sure it wouldn't ruin things for them, they aren't hit like you are.  I hope you get through the day okay.

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Eagle, Lori is proud of you for getting out with friends for this trip. It has to be hard making the effort to engage in living, without her. A bittersweet trip and it shows how brave and courageous your heart is. I haven't gone on any trips yet and I don't know if I ever will. When my husband was still here and he fully retired, I had the inner hope his health would stabilize and we could go revisit a couple of places we went to in the early years. For me, I just cannot think of doing that now without him. The triggers would be constant and a trip would most likely leave me in agony and wondering why I attempted such a thing. Maybe in the future my state of mind may change, who knows?

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10 hours ago, KMB said:

I just cannot think of doing that now without him. The triggers would be constant  

I get that. I have been on a trip alone since he died but it was to see my daughter so I had something to look forward to. But yes, lots of triggers. I kept finding myself saying "the last time I did this I was with Pat."  Like the last time I went on a plane. The last time I rented a car. Etc etc.   we had just been on a vacation together 2 months before he died. And we were already planning our next one. But looking back I'm glad I got through it and went on the trip to see my daughter.  Next time I go on a trip, and I hope to again some day, the triggers won't be as strong (at least I hope not!). KMB take that trip when you're ready. 

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Got home last night and it was hard. Times like that would be ones where Lori and I would reflect on the trip and what we had done. I talked to Lori and cried all the way home from my friends house where I had stowed my car. All in all the trip was fun and I did tell my friends that we had stayed at the same hotel and visited some of the same places. They all also knew that Sunday was the anniversary of our first date in 2003. Lots of emotions, but also lots of support from my friends. It's times like these where I am able to reflect on the fact that this new existence is real. Those moments of clarity regarding this reality are stark and cold. She's not coming back. She won't be there when I get home from work. I won't hold her again(Not in this life anyway). But those moments are also accompanied with the reality that I will see her again some day. But it's that wait that is so hard. 

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41 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

But those moments are also accompanied with the reality that I will see her again some day. But it's that wait that is so hard. 

That's a for sure!  Glad you made it through it...

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Eagle, Glad to hear you made it home safely. The emotions flooding through might keep you in flux for a bit while you process it all. You made it through and took that step into moving forward and it is an accomplishment. We know, or think we do, that our loved ones want us to keep living life the best we can, until we meet again. Another blessing for you is the support and understanding of the friends you were with. That is a huge plus to keep going on, that support we get from others.

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58 minutes ago, KMB said:

Eagle, Glad to hear you made it home safely. The emotions flooding through might keep you in flux for a bit while you process it all. You made it through and took that step into moving forward and it is an accomplishment. We know, or think we do, that our loved ones want us to keep living life the best we can, until we meet again. Another blessing for you is the support and understanding of the friends you were with. That is a huge plus to keep going on, that support we get from others.

The support of my friends and family has been amazing and I am blessed beyond measure in that regard. I also make sure I take the time to thank them often for the love and support because I don't want them to think I take them for granted. I also have to remember that they are hurting too. I have a circle of about 8 friends that loved and cared for Lori deeply and I don't want to lose sight of the fact that they are grieving her loss. In our grief we sometimes forget that we're not the only ones in pain. I make it a point to try to understand their unique grief of loss of a friend because I don't know what that's like. 

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On 7/5/2017 at 0:59 PM, Eagle-96 said:

I make it a point to try to understand their unique grief of loss of a friend because I don't know what that's like.

Eagle-96, This reminded me of my sister in law. She was my sister in law for 22 years and I never had more than a casual conversation with her for that entire time. My wife and her sister were close,  texting multiple times every day this I know. After my wife passed I slowly started texting my sister in law. We now text at least every other day. When I was in the hospital this past week she got on to me for not taking care of myself. She said I was now the only stable thing she has in her life now. We have grown closer together than we ever could have if my wife had not passed. So I can see where your friends can and may need your support, IT WORKS BOTH WAYS. believe me.

 

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44 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

Eagle-96, This reminded me of my sister in law. She was my sister in law for 22 years and I never had more than a casual conversation with her for that entire time. My wife and her sister were close,  texting multiple times every day this I know. After my wife passed I slowly started texting my sister in law. We now text at least every other day. When I was in the hospital this past week she got on to me for not taking care of myself. She said I was now the only stable thing she has in her life now. We have grown closer together than we ever could have if my wife had not passed. So I can see where your friends can and may need your support, IT WORKS BOTH WAYS. believe me.

 

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Two things:

1. It's something I have to remind myself of from time to time because I get caught up in my own grief and I don't want to neglect those that have been there for me. You're right. It IS a two way street.

2. Hospital? Everything ok with you?

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15 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

2. Hospital? Everything ok with you?

Yes, I was referring to the cat bit that I have posted about in my main thread. I still can't make a fist with my left hand. Doc says it could be up to another month before hand is back to normal. It's going to be a long time before I like cats again if ever. LoL

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Autocharge,

I'm sorry to hear about the cat bite, that's horrible!  Are you up on your tetanus shot?

I'm glad you and your SIL are able to be there for each other.  There is that good side of grief that shows up once in a while.

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So sorry you are still having issues with your hand. That must have been one heck of a cat bite! Causes me to count my blessings since I have had cats throughout my adult life. The only medical issue I ever had was when I was a teenager and petted a friendly stray cat a neighbor was feeding. I got a case of ring worm on my arm. It was treated with a fungal antibiotic and I can tell you my mother was not happy about it. She gave me orders to leave the strays alone. Didn't stop my love for animals and having many cats and dogs over the years.

It touches my heart in that you and your SIL have grown closer. It speaks of the silver lining behind the dark cloud analogy.  (HUGS)

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