I don't know if I can do this

[StruggleBus]

I just had yet another panic attack. My mom died 4 weeks ago, on the 29th and I lived with her and am not married or have any children. She was everything to me, the only person who truly knew me. I have a large extended family and they were great in the beginning but have gone on to their lives now. I don't want to bother them all the time, they just want to move on. But I'm still here, I'm still in it. Everything that was hers surrounds me all the time. Everything she left the day I took her to the hospital is mostly still the same in her room. I work for a school and am off for the summer plus it's too hot to go outside and I'm broke from taking 2 weeks off to stay in the hospital with her and after she died so I can't really leave the house. I get these panic attacks where I can't breathe and my chest hurts and I just start screaming for her. My doctor put me on Ativan for the stress but it doesn't really last. I have a small dog here and I hate to see him get so worried about me. I try to leave the room when I get upset but he just follows me around looking worried. I hate that. This is it for the rest of my life. She's never coming back and it's killing me. I've read so many things on here that have helped me so I feel like you guys understand. You can't get it until it happens to you. The pain is unbelievable. I honestly didn't know pain like this before ever. I don't know what to do. 

[ModKonnie]

StruggleBus,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your mom. When my father died, I, too, had horrible panic attacks. I'd never had one ever before. They scared the life out of me. I tried Xanax, but it didn't work for me. Instead, I started using deep breathing techniques, prayer and meditation. I began talking to others and writing out how I was feeling. I started getting better. It's just going to take some time for you. Just try to breathe and focus on something different when you begin to have anxiety attacks. Try journaling and meditation. It may help. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

[Phillip1985]

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't have much to offer other than I know what you are going through. I lost my mom two weeks ago. Writing that sentence even hurts. Nights are tough. I wake up in the middle of the night not knowing what to do, other than not go back to sleep. 

[StruggleBus]

I'm sorry for both of your losses. I've been sleeping with Advil PM most nights because I get headaches as well. I never mix anything just depends what I need more. The first two weeks were so weird. It was a sea of making arrangements, saying terrible words to people out loud like "death certificate" and "casket". I had to go through her clothes to find her something to wear. It all seemed insane. How could she be dead? It felt impossible, like any second she'd come back home or someone would say somehow there'd been a mistake. It's her! She couldn't possibly be gone. 4 weeks in I still have those thoughts. I hear from others that time will help. I have to believe it. 2 weeks is such a short time. Please try to rest, don't push things and get as much help as possible. Don't do too much alone. Be kind to yourself.

[MayFGL]

StruggleBus, Phillip and Modkonnie,  

Please accept my condolences for your loss. I know what you are going through. Losing our parents is very devastating and very hard for one to go through the experience. I, too, lived with my mother, have no significant other and no children either. My mother passed away 2 years ago from a massive stroke. There's not a day that passes that I don't think about her. 

I was mom's main caretaker. Having a stroke myself, left me handicapped with my right side weak. It was a real challenge for me to take care of mom. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat to have my mom here. I was the youngest of 6 kids. Mom would always worry about me because I had no husband or kids. She relied on me for everything even though there were other siblings there. I miss her terribly.

With time, things he will get better with you. You're not alone in this journey. We are her to support and listen to you. We are here for you. 

Love and Hugs, May

[The Girl]

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you're going through.  Would it help you to get out of the house, or would that be too much this early on?  Some ideas with the heat and your budget would be a library or window shopping, or family or friends where you could bring your dog along.  No, people who haven't gone through this don't really understand, but they do tend to understand it's difficult for you.  I'm more of the opinion that since not everyone will be grieving to the magnitude you are, they're in a better position to be there for you.  If you're close to someone who isn't as affected, then it's alright to lean on them.  And one day those tables will turn and they'll be the ones needing you.  But I also completely understand just not wanting to talk to anyone who hasn't dealt with this. 

Only yesterday I was thinking how in just over a week it will be 5 months since I lost my mom and how could that be.  It still hits me like it just happened, while the rest of the time it feels like she's in the hospital again.  It's too surreal and too heavy to accept.  It takes time.  Or it takes denial and distractions.  But I really think for a healthy transition it takes a lot of grieving over a very extended period of time.  At least for me, I've found some consolation in accepting I'm going to feel horrible.  Like somehow just knowing that every day life will be difficult and emotional makes it a little less horrible b/c I'm expecting it to.  If it's any consolation, I found the first month to be the hardest.  It was somewhere around the second month that I was able to be distracted, and distracted w/o feeling guilty.  Even though you have to go through the grief, distractions are good.  We all need the mental break when we can get it.  

[Phillip1985]

Thank you for the all encouraging words and prayers.

[sadandlost]

Dear struggle bus, I so feel for you and know those feelings.  One month after my mum died I had flashing lights in my eye.  I thought something had come away in my eye and I was going to go blind.  It happened twice and lasted an hour. I was panicked I went to the eye doctor for a full examination with major machines looking behind the eye.  Nothing had happened, it was stress related.  The eye doctor told me I needed to calm down.  He didn't know I lost my mother.  The following week I passed out in my apartment on the floor.  The room started spinning, a high pitched sound in my ears, I was drenched in sweat and suddenly I woke up on the floor.  I don't know if I lost consciousness for a minute or 10 or an hour?  I live alone too.  Fortunately I wasn't hurt.  Most people have no idea the trauma of loosing a mother.  It's been 5 months now.  I haven't had those incidents again but I'm very depressed and crippled with sadness.  So I understand how you feel when everyone moves on and you are still suffering and in pain.  I feel for you.  It's beyond your control.  If you feel medication helps then do what's right for you.  Do what helps you.