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JuliansMom

Loss of 9yr old son by drunk driver

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Hi there, I'm Jennifer and I'm having a very difficult time accepting my sons death. Ten months and six days ago, my 9 year old son, Julian, was riding in a car with my ex husbands girlfriend. She was drunk. Neither of them were wearing a seatbelt. She swerved off the road and hit a telephone pole. Julian had many skull fractures and, I later learned, lost some brain matter in the vehicle. He officially died 4 days later.  I was shopping for school clothes when it happened, as this was 9 days before the start of the new school year. Instead of a backpack and shoes, we had to choose a casket. It's impossible to describe the agony I felt and still feel. Julian was about to start 5th grade after completing 3rd grade, thus skipping 4th grade. He was so so so incredibly smart! He was my youngest child and I felt a deep connection with him. He was a very "difficult" and strong-minded boy. He was trying and exhausting and also very very funny! One minute I'd be pulling my hair out in frustration and the next minute he'd have me laughing until I cried! I cannot grieve. I can cry, but just because of how injured he looked, not because he's never coming back. I don't believe he'll never be here again! I know it sounds crazy, but I just can't believe that. I thought time would help me accept this, but I just wait. I'm just waiting for him to come back and thinking "when Julian comes back...". I don't know how to move forward and I don't know if I want to. I feel guilty if I allow him to be gone from our lives. I just can't accept it. Has anyone else felt this way? I always thought if I lost a child that I'd be completely devastated and unable to function. It's a very surreal and alien feeling and I'm not handling this as I feel I "should"...

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Lou ann   

Julians mom. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your precious son.  Your feelings of denial and not being able to accept it are things that I too, and many other parents on this web site have experienced.  This is still such a new tragedy for you and things are still very raw.  You might not feel it but you have shown such strength thus far, and know that where you are at is where you should be.  Your love for Julian shines thru in your writings. I know your agony, your pain, that only other grieving parents can understand. I lost my daughter six years ago and this site has been a life saver for me. If you post on loss of an adult child that is where all the other parents are. It is for parents who have lost children of any age. There are so many kind and supportive parents there.  We are all ready to welcome you and wrap our arms around you.  We will all stand by you. You do not have to go thru this alone.  My personal email is ltaylor50@rogers.com. if you would like for me to call you I will do that too.  I will do anything I can to help you.  You hang in there. You are doing as well as can be expected. Please join us on loss of an adult child.  Hugs to you my friend   

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juliansmom what a tragic story I am so sorry about your son. This is still the first year for you so it is very common to know your child has died but still feel like they will come back. I lost my 24yr old son in Aug 2015 and still struggle with the fact I won't see him again. It is a massive acceptance to have to absorb and so very devastating. To be able to function semi normally I try to push aside those thoughts and then spend time later on my own reabsorbing and letting my emotions out. It is really important to allow yourself to grieve else by denying those feelings because they are painful causes a breakdown later on. This is called delayed grief or abnormal grief reaction and can hit hard months or even year later. By joining this forum and speaking about your loss you have taken some positive steps. It is a safe place to post your worries, fears and anxieties and also tell us more about your son and family if you feel comfortable. We have some parents that are years down the line after loss and have only felt able to talk about their child recently and other newbies like yourself. You are not abnormal just a grieving mother going through all the spectrum of emotions like all of us. The thread loss of an adult child is the most active and gets the quickest responses if you would like to join us there and share more and we will help support you ok?

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Thank you both for your heartfelt replies! I will go to the other thread. I'm so sorry that you have lost children as well. It's a terrible place to be. 

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