Loss

[cp9042]

I read the following online and feel it is very appropriate to how I am feeling since losing my husband.

With the death of my spouse, I grieve the loss of so much more than someone I merely love or was close to.  I grieve instead the loss of: The one I loved most deepl, cherished and felt closest to.  The one who emobodied my true sense of home. The one who was my best friend and who was to be my companion for life.  The one I confided in, depended on, and trusted most.  The one who really knew, understood and accepted me as I am.  The one I felt safe and protected with.  The one I shared private moments with.

But it is not just this precious person that has been taken from my life.  I also suffer the loss of who I was with him.  The loss of a couple.The loss of the life we once lived, the plans we made, and the dreams we shared.  Also the future that we had envisioned.

I felt that this sums up exactly how I feel each and every day.  

[Francine]

Your post truly touched my heart because it is exactly how I feel.  Not a day goes by that I don't need him, want him, miss him.  He was truly my soulmate and the most amazing man I'd ever met.  He was and still is my life.  What is helping me through this is knowing what we had is everlasting.  To the living, my Charles might be gone and will never return, and yes, I feel as if I've been cheated.  But in my heart and soul, I know he is at peace and has never really left me.  He can't speak to me, but I know he listens, he can't be seen, but in my heart, I hear him.  When I gaze at God's nature and its beauty or look at a flower and admire its simplicity, I remember my Charles, the times we loved, the children we made together, the times we cried, the times we fought, the times we laughed.  And if I'm always thinking of him, he is never gone, but with me always in my heart. 

You see, I'm truly grateful to my God for designing a man specifically for me, putting him in my life or 45 years and allowing us to experience a little heaven right here on earth.   So I'm blessed to know what heaven has in stored for me when I finally get there - Charles is there awaiting my return and this time we won't ever have to worry about parting again because it will be for eternity - Won't that be Amazing and Awesome!

[Eagle-96]

It is the loss of "we" that is hard. Before it was always Sean and Lori. I find it difficult to just be Sean. Incomplete, half, 50% of what I once was. It's my identity that is forever altered not only in my heart but in our friends, family, coworkers, etc... I find myself trying to give her a continued voice in the decisions I now make alone. I try to give a perspective in conversations among friends and family that she may have used. She changed me for the better and I don't want that flame to die out. 

[KMB]

6 hours ago, cp9042 said:

I felt that this sums up exactly how I feel each and every day.  

It summarizes beautifully how we all feel.

 

4 hours ago, Francine said:

So I'm blessed to know what heaven has in stored for me when I finally get there - Charles is there awaiting my return and this time we won't ever have to worry about parting again because it will be for eternity - Won't that be Amazing and Awesome!

Amen, Francine!

 

1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

It is the loss of "we" that is hard. Before it was always Sean and Lori. I find it difficult to just be Sean. Incomplete, half, 50% of what I once was. It's my identity that is forever altered not only in my heart but in our friends, family, coworkers, etc... I find myself trying to give her a continued voice in the decisions I now make alone. I try to give a perspective in conversations among friends and family that she may have used. She changed me for the better and I don't want that flame to die out. 

Get it totally, Eagle. Years ago, I gave a friend who does woodworking, a length of slabwood. He routed the words, *Ed & Kathy's Place*, and I gave it to my husband as a Christmas gift. It still hangs on a living room wall. Just as with you and Lori, we were also referred to together, like a sentence,or one word.I still use the word, *we*. It is a habit, an endearing one. I know my husband is with me spiritually, so it is always going to be, *we*, no matter what others might think. This is my grieving, my life.

[JenC]

That is so how I feel.  Thanks for sharing that.  I feel so alone all the time but it helps to know I'm not the only one feeling this way, although I do wish none of us had to go through this.  

[Dian]

Those are beautiful words above as I read them with tears in my eyes as I feel that way exactly . I lost more than my husband , I've lost my existence as it once was. I have never experienced severe anxiety before until now , because he was my safety and loved me unconditionally. I am grateful to have been lucky enough to have someone love me the way he did, but why did it have to end. The last song we listened to right before he died was "let it be". I played it at his service. My heart hurts.

[KMB]

JenC and Dian--- It is going to be ok. We will survive somehow. When it is our turn, we will be reunited with our beloveds.

[KayC]

I have been making cards for 31 years.  My husband loved certain stamps that I had and made me promise to never get rid of them.  One of them summed it up when it said, "I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you."  

[KMB]

KayC,  That stamp is a good one. I don't know who I am without my husband but I have been finding out. It is not all to the good either. I've been a little depressed since crawling my way through another weekend. A friend pointed out to me this morning that I tend to get a little snippy when I hit the lows. I'm always apologizing to her because I'm not normally snippy, usually smiling and joking. Used to be anyway. She doesn't hold it against me though. She understands. Thank God for the people who do.

[Francine]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

"I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you."  

Love it. 

 

18 hours ago, KMB said:

A friend pointed out to me this morning that I tend to get a little snippy when I hit the lows. I'm always apologizing to her because I'm not normally snippy, usually smiling and joking. Used to be anyway. She doesn't hold it against me though. She understands. Thank God for the people who do.

Wow!  Same here; talk about weird.  I've talked about it with my counselor and have come to the conclusion that the other *me* is slowing coming out.  The snippy, don't care, screw you, arrogant person who says what she feel regardless of others feelings. I don't know when she going to come out or if her stay will be permanent. A close friend of mine called the other day (she was unable to make it to Charles' services) and I was very flipped with her.   We were always there for one another no matter what, and I felt she wasn't there for me in my darkest moment. Perhaps deep down inside I was holding that against her and I know I shouldn't.  Like your friend, she understood and even had me laughing after it was all said and done. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Francine said:

I felt she wasn't there for me in my darkest moment. Perhaps deep down inside I was holding that against her and I know I shouldn't. 

I'm not sure I agree that you shouldn't hold her accountable for that. My two best friends did not come to George's funeral, and didn't even have LAME excuses!  It DID affect our friendship!  I'd always been there for them, and don't agree with their not being there for me when I most needed them.  

I read an article years ago that talked about friendship.  It explained that we all have different expectations of what we need in a friend.  A friendship can go along fine and then something changes and our compatibility as friends is no more...different places in our lives, different needs/expectations, sometimes that dictates we need to let it go as it no longer suits our needs.  I had a friend that demanded too much of my time, wanting to be on the phone for an hour or two every single night when I got home from work.  I couldn't even go to the bathroom!  This was before portable phones and we were tied to the wall, remember?  It was a conflict between what she needed (someone to talk to whenever she wanted) and what I needed (space, balance).  I was on the phone all day at work, I didn't want to be on the phone the moment I walked in the door at home.  She, on the other hand, was home alone all day, and needed that connection.  Our expectations were no longer compatible.  We eventually drifted apart.  I know where she lives, all these years later, but still pull back because of her neediness.  It doesn't make either of us bad people, just incompatible needs/expectations.

But back to my two best friends that no longer are...I do have an expectation that friends, true friends, should be there for you in your darkest moments if they can be.  Apparently they didn't fit that bill.  I found a better friend.  I didn't have to reject them, they disappeared. 

Francine, I'm glad you and your friend were able to laugh about it.  Maybe she had a good reason she couldn't be there for you, I hope it was better than my friends' reasons.  (First friend: afraid someone else would be there she didn't like...she wasn't.  ??!!  Second friend: Decided to make plans to go to the coast instead.  ??!!)

[Francine]

Thanks KayC

Our relationship is not as it was.  I thought I knew the meaning of real friendship, but since my Charles left this world, I see things differently.  I don't think we ever lose friends, we only learn who the *true* ones are.  I'm learning that *good* friends care for each other; *close* friends understand one another but *true* friends stay forever, beyond words, beyond distance, beyond time.  I imagined I have several good and close friends - but my only *true* friend was my Charles.  If you find just one *True* friend in your lifetime, than you are truly blessed and my God, I have truly been blessed.  Thanks again KayC, I really appreciate you.

[KayC]

Francine, it's not that you didn't know the meaning of friendship, but now that your world has changed, so has your expectation broadened, as has mine.  I considered Cheryl to be my best friend back then, but it definitely changed as our lives did.  I don't mean to be judgmental, but I never would have responded as she did under the same circumstances.  I hope she never has to find out the hard way how lacking her response was to me when I was most in need.

You are so right:

22 hours ago, Francine said:

If you find just one *True* friend in your lifetime, than you are truly blessed

I made such a friend in Virgie, but she's moved back to TX and remarried, and somehow it's just not the same as being able to stop in and have coffee with her.  We're only a phone call away but we aren't in each other's lives like we were before.   I miss her.

I'm so glad we have this place to come to and share, I feel closer to you all than I do to those physically in my life, I guess because we all understand...

[Francine]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm so glad we have this place to come to and share, I feel closer to you all than I do to those physically in my life, I guess because we all understand.

Same here.  I don't know what I do if not for this forum.  Checked out another one before choosing this one, but couldn't relate to some of the responses and I just didn't feel the comradery as I feel here.  You guys have grown on me and I do feel like we have a *family* here. 

On a different note, I've had my last session with my grief counselor (GC) this past week. Didn't want to leave but  will be considered *senior* on my birthday, (July 5th) and my insurance will change and unfortunately, grief counseling is not covered.   Can't afford to pay out of pocket (not now anyway) but I'll still be able to go to the group session - only thing with that, it meets monthly.   I guess something is better than nothing.  Since my sessions with my GC, I can honestly say, (and we discussed it at our last meeting,) I am better than when I first started and that's progress.   What I've learned is In the chaos of everyday life, it’s easy to lose sight of what really matters, and I can use what I learned to make sure that my life reflects my values.  How I schedule my days is how I will spend my life and the most important step is the first step. All those old sayings are really true. Well begun is half done. Don’t get it perfect, get it going. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Nothing is more exhausting than the task that’s never started, and strangely, starting is often far harder than continuing. But I will continue - if not for me - than for Charles because I know he would want me to.  Oops, almost forgot, this forum will demand that I continue - or should I say, this family.   You guys are terrific!  Thanks Again!

[KMB]

On 6/28/2017 at 7:24 AM, Francine said:

snippy, don't care, screw you, arrogant person who says what she feel regardless of others feelings. I don't know when she going to come out or if her stay will be permanent.

I feel the *darker* side of us comes out when we feel overwhelmed,judged, misunderstood and in the lows of grief. Our normal, positive, sunshine self has been extremely hurt, left behind in a void of loneliness, and we will be hurting for a very long time. I just hope the *darker* side doesn't come out too often. There are days I wonder how I live with myself!

 

10 hours ago, Francine said:

Oops, almost forgot, this forum will demand that I continue - or should I say, this family.

I'm sorry you have to be done with your counselor. You have gotten to a point though where you have felt progress and that is a pat on the back for you! I do hope you continue with our family here. We have come to know you, respect you, love you and rely on your beautiful words of wisdom and encouragement.   (HUGS)

[Francine]

8 hours ago, KMB said:

I just hope the *darker* side doesn't come out too often. There are days I wonder how I live with myself!

Same here - I don't like that side of me and its not who my Charles met and fell in love with - but it's hard to control especially when someone says something stupid, dumb and out of line.  So keep me uplifted in prayer asking God to soften my sometimes sharpen tongue.

 

8 hours ago, KMB said:

I do hope you continue with our family here. We have come to know you, respect you, love you and rely on your beautiful words of wisdom and encouragement.

Know doubt I will.  You all have welcomed me and helped me tremendously through this horrible journey, but that's exactly what families do, right?.  Thanks for the kind words, I truly appreciate them, you, and all our family here on this forum.   God bless you, God bless us all!

 

[KayC]

There may come a point when one feels they can continue their grief journey on their own.  It can be helpful to others, however, if they still continue coming here, they can share what they've learned...and one thing I've learned is we continue to learn no matter how far out on our journey!  And of course, no matter how long it's been, we all still have our days that are hard and we can use some support.

[Francine]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

we continue to learn no matter how far out on our journey!  And of course, no matter how long it's been, we all still have our days that are hard and we can use some support.

I think that's what God wants us to do - learn.  Learn to love without condition; talk without bad intention; give without reason and most of all, care without any expectation.  And when we get those days that are difficult, and we will, lean on those that God has put in our path - this forum for one.  God bless you KayC and this entire forum.

[KMB]

On 6/30/2017 at 10:31 AM, Francine said:

I think that's what God wants us to do - learn.  Learn to love without condition; talk without bad intention; give without reason and most of all, care without any expectation.  And when we get those days that are difficult, and we will, lean on those that God has put in our path - this forum for one.  God bless you KayC and this entire forum.

Very well said, Francine! We are all works in progress until God calls us home.

[KayC]

That is a very big part of this, we really do learn and it does build character (my mom used to say that, I hated it, but it's true).

[Francine]

Moms do come up with some of the strangest cliches - but you just have to love them.